He does not work. What hard questions should I ask?

[lovelivesherenow]

I met a lovely man who does not work anymore.
He saved up and got out of the 9-5 life decades before one would.
I'm dating for marriage ultimately. Any ideas of the kind of questions to ask or things to look out for to help me work out whether he'd be right for the long haul?

What the heck is FIRE??

Financial independence retire early

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/f/financial-independence-retire-early-fire.asp

I know a few people that had well paid jobs, paid their mortgage off early & have savings & have retired in their early 50s. Some of them still work & some do not work.
Some have second properties that they rent out for extra income or to use as holiday homes.
I also some people that are due to be paying their mortgages until their late 60s

I also know a couple of men who have had children in their 50s with younger women

I would continue the dates & see how it goes.

What do you have in common ?
Is he kind ?
Does he make you laugh ?

If you are looking for marriage & children, as a woman I would make that clear & explain the timescales. Men do not have such urgent time constraints.

@VampireStatus What do you have in common ?
Is he kind ?
Does he make you laugh ?

The OP sounds more concerned on money and his bank statements. If I were the guy that would be a red flag, it would give me the impression she’s mainly looking for a pseudo sugar daddy that can support her having kids.

Are you obtuse or just didn't read my comments and have jumped to this conclusion?
Your language and judgement is more indicative of the kind of person you are and how you think.

The fact you have opened a thread asking a bunch of strangers if this man can afford having a family (versus being honest and asking him) makes you look like you have a hidden agenda… I would certainly be turned off by a man that after Two dates opens a thread on a forum wondering if I can pay for the children he intends to have.

I think it's a fair conclusion to jump to, you've had a couple of coffees with the guy and are thinking "marriage", "children", "bank balance".

At this stage common ground, kindness, laughing, they are all the important things.

He has said he's financially independent and retired, if you can't (at least for now) take that for granted and trust what hes saying then you need to move on.

His financial affairs are his own business, and certainly not yours after a couple of coffees, if you were moving in together or getting engaged etc., thats different.

Why would you want kids with a 50 year old? That's grim.

His sperm will be pretty low quality.
And at 40 you're already taking mad risks.

I'd ve looking into fostering as a single person if you want kids to be a part of your life. Adopting perhaps.

You'd be 43 before it would be safe to start even trying with this guy as 3 years is the minimum you should know someone for before deciding to have kids with them. He'll be 53. 73 at least when the kid is 19. That's just a terrible idea.

He's too old.

At 40 there is absolutely no point wasting time laughing with someone who doesn’t have the financial wherewithal to have kids.

OP’s concern is, not that he can’t bankroll her to have kids, but that she may have to bankroll him.

He has no salary, his pension at age won’t be all that, unless he’s been very lucky and successful previously and made a good pile, how long will his money last, and how frugally does he have to live to maintain his investments.

Is he looking for a cocklodging opportunity to supplement his lifestyle.

The ageist comments here are terrible, to be honest.
50 is not that old for a man, if he's looked after himself.

Until contraception was as good as it is now, many couples had children in their late 40s and often the man was 50 and his wife 45-50.

I'd far rather see a woman of 40 with a man of 50 who wanted a child, than a woman of 20 with a 20 year old 'boy' who is more likely to bugger off when the going gets tough and who are probably struggling financially.

We have friends who married when he was early 50s and have two children now. They are very happy. (He has adult children from a first marriage.)

There really is no one size fits all here.

And it's ridiculous to try to 2nd guess if this man wants a child or not.
He might. Or not.

Oh for goodness sake.

Who says?

You don't need 3 years to get to know someone when you are 40.
I have friends who married after 6 -12 months and are very happy indeed.

And 50 is grim?

What a horrible and silly comment.

There are some gorgeous men out there at 50.
Stop being so ageist!

I get where you are coming from, but she's not even been out to dinner with him, or for a day out - its a couple of coffee's

If she goes in with, I want kinds, do you want kids?, can you afford me and the kids? he'll be running for the hills if he has any sense.

You need to know someone well before being in a committed relationship, that doesn't mean years, but months and certainly not a couple of coffee's

I quit working (ie on a payroll) at 40, inherited a 60K property in '96 and started buying and flipping, then built a portfolio, currently 18 properties, all mortage free, all let out. That represents a good income, the assets deliver the income so I'm not reducing the assets to live, he could well be doing something similar, of if he is market savvy investing across a wide portfolio.

One thing I know, if he's financially savvy he won't be getting his bank statements out to show and tell after 2 coffee's😁

@BlazingJune my DH is in his 50's and is gorgeous. Could I see him with a young child? Definitely not. Apart from his Grandchildren.

Personally I think it’s OP who should be running for the hills.

She should at least be asking straight questions and if he legs it that solves that.

If he has a reasonable sized property portfolio all well and good, but if he’s simply got a pension plus an investment portfolio which will not grow if he attempts to take a higher yield (or he has to increase the risk to do so) - that’s potentially problematic.

He’s a non-working adult and OP should be making the same enquiries as someone who was actively unemployed.

OP has said that she has the impression he has less in assets and savings than he does.

If women thought a bit more with their heads and asked a few more questions, we might not see the number of financial disasters we do on these forums.

I’m 53 and I’m gorgeous but I’m not starting from scratch with kids. 😂

Some posts lack tact - yes I agree.

The point isn't that it's disgusting though. It's that there's significantly increased risk.

And what about the potential child? My dad has been a great dad, genuinely, but he was never as energetic as my friends dads when I was young. He couldn't do as much with me. I am neurodivergent, which has been linked to advanced paternal age.

I have had to face the idea that I will likely lose him before I am 40. I am nowhere close to marriage, so he may never get to walk me down the aisle.
He may never meet any children I have (if I'm lucky enough to have them). The idea crushes me. He may require a lot of care from me whilst I'm still relatively young.

I wouldn't swap him for anyone, but in the same breath I would never put a child in the same position. Of course younger fathers than be absent, financially inept and useless but so can older ones. Of course anyone can die while their kids are young, but its far more likely when the parents are older. Of course anyone can inherit a genetic abnormality, but it's far more likely when parents are older.

It's about minimizing risk and IMO the OP should pursue other avenues if she can, to give her potential child the best possible chance. A child born through sperm donation, who only has a (brilliant, strong, courageous to go through it on her own -OP) mother, is not likely to miss a father they never had

If you marry someone youve known 6 months, you're a fuvking idiot but it's your prerogative. But if you have deliberately a baby with someone youve known not even a year, you're not only being a fucking idiot you're potentially ruining a child's life.

You don't know anyone after a year. A year is everbody on honeymoon behaviour.

Just becayse your friends too risks, that luckily seem to have paid off (for now) doesn't mean we should advocate that for anyone else.

And I'm not being agest to say a 50 year old man is overthe hill to be having kids. Because we're not talking about 50. We're talking about 50-70. Even if he's one of the men at 50 who takes good care if himself, the child will still be a child for the next 20 years. Will he still be fit at 65 when the kids is pree teen?

Also, as mentioned prior, the sperm at 50 will not be good quality.

I'm not icking about 50 year old men being 50. Yes,there are good looking, healthy 50 year old hunks out there. But having kids with a 50 year old is still fucking grim irregardless.

Absolutely spot on @Pinkbonbon

We need to move on from thinking 'do I want a (cute ickle) baby at x age' to thinking 'do I want to work my arse off to spend all my disposable income on an ungrateful teenager in x+15 age' . Although that would result in no one having any dc, and thus the end of humans, so maybe not.

50 is more the problem here. I'm not saying he wouldn't make a great dad but parenthood is a huge change for someone who has been doing anything he wants for such a long time.

@BlazingJune "Until contraception was as good as it is now, many couples had children in their late 40s and often the man was 50 and his wife 45-50."

my family history is full of these. Including a 52 year old who carried to term with no issues.

they all lived well into their 90s, in a poor country without advanced medicine.

I can't see an older parent as a disaster. Though if I ever date again, I might get my tubes tied!

If she goes in with, I want kinds, do you want kids?, can you afford me and the kids? he'll be running for the hills if he has any sense.

Oh, I don't know. I was pretty open with DH when we met that I wanted marriage and a family (NOT 'can you afford me & kids' 🙄), and I was nowhere near 40. And I said that that if he didn't want those things then neither of us should waste our time with the other. We had an 10 month total courtship + engagement to see if each was 'the one' and we've been married over 35 years now. And it's not a 'run for the hills', if one is honest it's the man saying "No, I don't want those things now (or ever)" and a parting of the ways. Much better for both of them so they don't waste their time on someone who isn't on the same life path.

Im 55 and there’s quite a few men around my age and even older I see on OLD with young primary aged kid's. Rightly or wrongly, my automatic assumption is they’ve had a short term thing with a much younger woman.

Tnh it’s a deal breaker for me. Older teens (16+) is fine as I have an almost 19 year old but I’m past stage of life revolving around kids.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 Why should I mince my words about what I desire when a man is not demonised for outrightly pointing out he doesn't engage in work even before the two coffee dates? He brought that information to me willingly without being asked.
Goodness, the double standards.
What a culture we have these days. A man is allowed to meet a woman and initiate casual sex even on a first date, but a woman who wants commitment should pretend she doesn't at least for a while.

Totally. It pays to be direct, particularly at 40: this is who I am this is what I’m looking for. The guy can either opt in or out depending whether he’s looking for the same things.