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Original poster

He does not work. What hard questions should I ask?

296 replies

lovelivesherenow · 14/12/2023 04:49

I met a lovely man who does not work anymore.
He saved up and got out of the 9-5 life decades before one would.
I'm dating for marriage ultimately. Any ideas of the kind of questions to ask or things to look out for to help me work out whether he'd be right for the long haul?

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 14/12/2023 06:53

Why is he going to want kids at 50?

Tigertigertigertiger · 14/12/2023 06:53

He's already told you.

Hard work, saving , and good luck.

Over time you can ask him to expand on those three things

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/12/2023 06:59

Are you young enough to be hoping for a family?

LynetteScavo · 14/12/2023 07:00

Well if you want children, you need to ask him very early on. I suspect at 50 he probably doesn't.

I've never known anybody who was good at making money and then retired early. People who are good at making money seem to enjoy it so much they keep doing it long after they need to. Maybe he won the lottery?

Having said he may not want children, I've known several men who have happily had children in their 50's with a second partner- but none of them gave up work by choice, even if they could more than afford to.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 07:01

What are his plans for the future?
What are his goals?
Does he want marriage and kids?

disappearingfish · 14/12/2023 07:01

A retired husband could be great for childcare.

But realistically, he's 50, you're 40. And you're just two dates in. How many children are you hoping to have?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 14/12/2023 07:02

LynetteScavo · 14/12/2023 07:00

Well if you want children, you need to ask him very early on. I suspect at 50 he probably doesn't.

I've never known anybody who was good at making money and then retired early. People who are good at making money seem to enjoy it so much they keep doing it long after they need to. Maybe he won the lottery?

Having said he may not want children, I've known several men who have happily had children in their 50's with a second partner- but none of them gave up work by choice, even if they could more than afford to.

I thought the same as this.

Rocknrollstar · 14/12/2023 07:07

I had a friend whose husband gave up work at 40. I never found out how he had made his money or what he did all day, apart from playing tennis. If this guy is genuine and really wants a relationship he will, at some point, talk you through his finances. TBH you have no idea at this stage of how much he is saying is the truth.

Ladyof2022 · 14/12/2023 07:09

If you are on a dating app with the intention of finding a man with whom to have children then I think you should never waste your time having even one coffee with any man until you have established via messaging that he too wants to get married and have children.

KvotheTheBloodless · 14/12/2023 07:13

I'd not go for a 50-year-old - he's unlikely to want kids. Have you asked him if he has any, or wants any?

Also - if you're serious about wanting kids, freeze your eggs. At 40 you don't have the luxury of waiting a year or two from a biological perspective, so if it's important to you that your DC come from your eggs, freeze them. If you'd be happy with egg donation, and can afford it, you have more time.

XelaM · 14/12/2023 07:14

Is he the guy from Goldman Sachs who made £80 million in 3 years and then retired? If so, go for it 😅

XelaM · 14/12/2023 07:17

LynetteScavo · 14/12/2023 07:00

Well if you want children, you need to ask him very early on. I suspect at 50 he probably doesn't.

I've never known anybody who was good at making money and then retired early. People who are good at making money seem to enjoy it so much they keep doing it long after they need to. Maybe he won the lottery?

Having said he may not want children, I've known several men who have happily had children in their 50's with a second partner- but none of them gave up work by choice, even if they could more than afford to.

He did: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12859981/amp/British-Goldman-Sachs-banker-Ed-Emerson-retires.html

If that's OP's fiancé - well done 😄

British Goldman Sachs banker retires after earning £80m in three years

Ed Emerson, 47, who was born in Argentina but has a British passport, joined Goldman Sachs in 1999 and climbed the ranks to become managing director in 2008 then partner four years later.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12859981/amp/British-Goldman-Sachs-banker-Ed-Emerson-retires.html

Immasucker · 14/12/2023 07:22

The real question is does he want kids, will he be a hands on 50/50 father, or has he been independent for too long to adapt. And then if he does, how will he support a family long term.

Rewis · 14/12/2023 07:24

I'm not entirely sure you can ask super personal financial questions few coffee dates in. At least I wouldn't share more than what he has. Since he is 50 I'd ask about marriage and kids. And maybe if he could afford to support the family with his money.

There is no way I'd be sharing about my investments and inheritances this early on

PostmansKnock · 14/12/2023 07:27

Being able to afford to not work and support yourself is one thing but paying for a couple of children is quite another matter. That's quite a lifestyle change.

He will be almost seventy when they. The driving lesson, massive shoes and university age.

ThePoetsWife · 14/12/2023 07:31

Who does he live with? Rent or bought property?

Bonmot57 · 14/12/2023 07:31

It’d be a big red flag for me if a date starting quizzing me about finances and assets at such an early stage. No one wants to be a meal ticket.

As a financially independent middle aged man, I doubt he’d be happy to risk all that for marriage/divorce and I’ve yet to meet any 50 year old new fathers who aren’t feckless wasters either living off the state or their naive partners.

MattDamon · 14/12/2023 07:39

I think if he'd wanted kids and family life, he'd have done something about it already. Not like he doesn't have the time!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2023 07:42

Maybe I should make it clearer.

50 year old bloke = chucked out by ex for cocklodging/drugs/drink/affair, now unemployed and living in crappy bedsit looking for woman with own house, car and rapidly decreasing fertility so he can run down her clock as she works fulltime to keep him for the next 20 years.

Vinrouge4 · 14/12/2023 07:49

Sounds like he has happily settled into pipe, slippers and retirement mode. Do you really want that as a husband and potential father?

Runninghappy · 14/12/2023 07:49

Wow so much judgement on here! I stopped working at 32 following some very good business decisions between my now ex husband and I, meaning we both could stop working for life if we chose to. He chose to behave like Simon Cowell, we got divorced and have built houses and invested my share. I have never been so busy and I certainly am not a freeloader, on Benefits and I have plenty to talk about! The biggest issue I would see is his age if you want children. He may also not be in any hurry to get married as it wouldn’t benefit him if it went wrong and would scupper his future plans. I would not be impressed if a date quizzed me on my financial situation. It would come up over time.

Bingandbang · 14/12/2023 07:55

I have a relative that you could be describing. Made all his money in IT. Worked all the hours then sold his business.

Divorced with one child. No leaches or dodgy benefits. He made a plan and succeeded. Parents are alive. He lent them money for a car actually.

Personally I think his world is pretty small and it’s not for me BUT I know he’s dating and would consider another child.

Guavafish1 · 14/12/2023 07:56

I would ask you want you want first.

How many children do you want?
What kind of lifestyle are you looking at achieving?
How do you want to share childcare?
How do you want to share time?
Where do you want live?

MintJulia · 14/12/2023 07:57

@Bonmot57 'I’ve yet to meet any 50 year old new fathers who aren’t feckless wasters either living off the state or their naive partners.'

That's a little unfair. I know several new dads in their 50s. All in full time careers.

Macaroni46 · 14/12/2023 08:03

Finances aside, he's too old at 50 to start having kids. I'd say move him on and find someone younger and more suitable.