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Original poster

He's acting like it means nothing to him

81 replies

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:09

Partner of 8 year and I have agreed to split in the new year. We have a toddler so this is not an easier decision but we are both on board with it as a plan. I'm clearly emotionally affected by it all and he's just cracking on as normal - why is this? An attempt to hurt me? Or he genuinely doesn't care? We have agreed to remain civil but the lack of emotion is just so hurtful. And a few weeks before Christmas as well, it's all just so awful. We are going have to get through Christmas as a "fake" family and then separate. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:10

Sorry for the typos

OP posts:
Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:11

Also, a family member of mine has a "big birthday" coming up between Christmas and new year, and he was obviously originally coming to that and is still invited as far as I'm concerned. But he's hurtfully taken the decision now to back out of that, which has upset me. If we are being civil, why can't he come along as planned? He had a close relationship with my family as well after 8 years, after all.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/12/2023 15:25

Why aren't you splitting now? One of you needs to move out and realise he's your ex so no more family outings with him

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2023 15:30

There’s a reason you’re splitting up, you both agree you’re better off apart. Maybe he’s been detaching for some time and feels relieved it’s out in the open, at least between the two of you. I’d make it public and stop pretending. Much better to be honest.

Do you really want him to be devastated and heartbroken? Are you?

Blubbled · 13/12/2023 15:32

I am sorry you're going through this OP and, having had to take the painful decision to make my husband leave ealier this year, I empathise. I can fully understand how hurtful his seeming lack of emotion is, but it's hard to know if he just doesn't care or is just good at hiding his feelings? It depends on who initiated the split, because one of you must have been the first to bring it up, and what led you both to decide to split?
Another way to think about it is, if he's so unfeeling, aren't you better off without him? Once you've split from him and healed, you have the chance to meet someone who genuinely loves and cares for you. Think of the reasons why YOU think you need to split up from him. There must be things about him that have been going on for a while that you think are beyond resolving, so focus on those reasons.
As far as the birthday is concerned, wouldn't you feel less on edge and more relaxed if he wasn't there? Would you really want him there reluctantly, perhaps in a bad mood? Or putting on an act? Honestly, I think it's best you respect his decision to not go. Don't chase, don't beg, and don't show how hurt and sad you are to him at all and I know that'll be extremely difficult but it's for your self-protection.
I wish you all the best OP, it's a horrible thing to have to go through but you will get through it and you will be OK and so will your child! Just post on here and if you have close friends, confide in them! Look after yourself!

gamerchick · 13/12/2023 15:34

Why the new year? That's cruel.

MinervatheGreat · 13/12/2023 15:35

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s very hard to “let go” because you have been bound together for so long. Whether you are resigned to separation or not, and everything is thrashed out and you’re both “cool” about it, it’s still hard.

In my experience I think men have a capacity to shut down their emotions and hope it’ll all go away or they start going crazy, socially or with other women. They seem to harden and go very cold.
You know them differently and intimately which is why their reactions hurt us so bad.

Sadly, it’s probably for the best you go to the celebration alone. It’s the start of your new life away from whatever’s driven you apart. Don’t dwell on his absence. Have a good time. 2024 is going to be your year!

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 15:41

I am sorry you are finding this hard.

But he will deal with it how he wants to deal with it. If you aren’t splitting now and putting on a pretence of everything being normal, then he is doing what’s required. Acting like normal in the house. Some people don’t like showing any emotion to exs. I am one of them. I would deal with my emotion privately. But also one of you must have wanted to split or you wouldn’t be splitting. If it’s him that wants to split, he is likely to less emotional about it.

I don’t understand why you feel he needs to come to the party if you are going to then tell people you have split up a week or so later.

I may be reading this wrong, but it seems you don’t really want to split up and expected the weeks between now and actually splitting up to give you both time to reconcile?

Did you think that come new year you would probably stay together?

Macaroni46 · 13/12/2023 15:42

Kindly OP, it sounds like you haven't let go. He's absolutely right not to go with you to the big birthday celebration. You're not together anymore so why would he?
Also, why wait until new year. Just split now. By waiting you're just drawing out the pain.
Lastly, ask yourself why you want him to be emotional? People deal with things in different ways. You're emotional and he's not. Neither is wrong.

MilkChocolateCookie · 13/12/2023 15:42

I can understand this is hurtful OP. But I think he's right not to come to the birthday do.

AgentJohnson · 13/12/2023 15:43

Are you really onboard with the decision? He might be a heartless dick or he might have come to the conclusion that getting emotional about a decision you both agree is for the best, is pointless. Him backing out of your relatives big birthday is completely understandable.

I think you both being emotional would make Christmas a lot harder.

Be honest with yourself, you still want him to care enough to change his mind. The more hones you are with yourself the easier it will be to manage your expectations.

Splitting sucks and even when it’s mutual, it stil stings.

liveforsummer · 13/12/2023 15:47

Why are you waiting. Christmas would likely be far happier without all the pretence especially as your toddler is far too young to understand. Completely understandable that he wouldn't want to go to the family party too. That's a lot of fake smiling and chat to have to go through. Honestly, carrying on is just more painful for you as it seems you aren't as on board as you say

Whattodowithit88 · 13/12/2023 15:51

He doesn’t care and his totally ok with it because he has a side piece waiting in the wings. It will be a few months yet before you find out he has a new girlfriend and he will swear black and blue he met her after. Men lie, and very very very rarely move on without someone else to keep them company.

Olika · 13/12/2023 15:51

I think he just gets on with things without being visibly emotional. Doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't hurting. If I was separating I wouldn't attend the party either.

theresastormcoming · 13/12/2023 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Opentooffers · 13/12/2023 15:55

I think tell all your family now what's going on and let them emotionally support you. They will then understand why he is not at the party. I hope he will in that case be home looking after his DC as he should( in which case party hard and spend the night out).
Sure logistically, arranging moves and sorting childcare access might as well on balance wait till 2024 when all businesses are fully operational, but you should tell people close to you now.
He can't make you keep it a secret, you are entitled to seek support from those who love you.

FPCculture · 13/12/2023 15:59

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:09

Partner of 8 year and I have agreed to split in the new year. We have a toddler so this is not an easier decision but we are both on board with it as a plan. I'm clearly emotionally affected by it all and he's just cracking on as normal - why is this? An attempt to hurt me? Or he genuinely doesn't care? We have agreed to remain civil but the lack of emotion is just so hurtful. And a few weeks before Christmas as well, it's all just so awful. We are going have to get through Christmas as a "fake" family and then separate. 😞

Everyone does not react the same way as you do!

Why do you want him to be emotional just because you are? maybe he checked out emotionally before you did, maybe he will feel it months or years after you split.

NosamLDN · 13/12/2023 16:03

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:11

Also, a family member of mine has a "big birthday" coming up between Christmas and new year, and he was obviously originally coming to that and is still invited as far as I'm concerned. But he's hurtfully taken the decision now to back out of that, which has upset me. If we are being civil, why can't he come along as planned? He had a close relationship with my family as well after 8 years, after all.

"hurtfully taken the decision"??

as you said before , you are faking the happy family over xmas holidays so why are you shocked or taking it as hurtful that he wants to be real and not fake happiness around your around family just for the sake of pleasing outsiders? YES IT'S CIVIL but who is it benefiting if he shows up? You and you only which in itself is selfish to a degree.

You are better off realising reality and start taking steps to be single.

HopeFloatsAbove · 13/12/2023 16:09

This is so hard. Do you think that perhaps he is hiding how he truly feels about it so that he is not showing his actual emotions to you? Men are so hardwired into being tough.

C1N1C · 13/12/2023 16:10

This reminds me of the Joey quote from Friends.

"Half hour"

Most men are actually very happy alone, and move on very quickly.

In this instance, it sounds like he thinks a weight has been lifted... no pretending, no extra effort needed... (sorry).

FreeRider · 13/12/2023 16:21

My ex husband and I agreed to separate...and in that same week his mother found out she was terminally ill with cancer. I agreed not to tell his family until after she had died...her life expectancy was around 6 months, which took her up to just after Christmas that year.

However she ended up living another 18 months. I refused to put my life on hold and moved out between Christmas and the New Year (I spent Christmas with ex and his family). I supported ex as much as I felt able to, but only visited his mother a few times after that - we had never been that close. By the time she died I had been with my new partner 6 months. I attended her funeral with ex husband, that was the last time I saw any of his family.

I hated having to fake being a happy couple all that time, and have often said since that I would have made a different decision if I'd known how long we would have to fake it for. Your soon to be ex partner is doing the right thing not attending a family event with you - to all intents and purposes you are no longer a couple.

RoachFish · 13/12/2023 16:25

Why are you waiting to officially separate if you have already decided that's what you are going to do? A toddler won't know and you could still spend Christmas day together if you wanted to but as a separated couple.

Sugarsun · 13/12/2023 16:27

What would you like him to do?
Cry? Shout? Scream? Stamp his feet? Beg you to reconsider?

He knows the relationship is over and he’s trying to be as amicable as possible.
Either of you being emotional is just going to make things 100x more difficult.

Who’s idea was it to separate?
I assume it was you
Are you regretting it?

ginasevern · 13/12/2023 16:30

Well there's not much point in him begging and crying is there, or is that what you're secretly hoping for? In my experience men show their emotions quite differently to women anyway. He is absolutely right not to attend a big family event and presumably look as though he's enjoying himself. That's a hideous idea and I'd tell you to get stuffed.

PaminaMozart · 13/12/2023 16:31

Rip the plaster off, and do it now.
No point playing charades.