He's acting like it means nothing to him

[cannotdoitanymore]

Partner of 8 year and I have agreed to split in the new year. We have a toddler so this is not an easier decision but we are both on board with it as a plan. I'm clearly emotionally affected by it all and he's just cracking on as normal - why is this? An attempt to hurt me? Or he genuinely doesn't care? We have agreed to remain civil but the lack of emotion is just so hurtful. And a few weeks before Christmas as well, it's all just so awful. We are going have to get through Christmas as a "fake" family and then separate. 😞

Forget what he wants. What do you want? You want him gone now, he goes now.

I get the impression he is the one driving the split. Don't play the victim. Take control of your own life.

How do I want him to be acting? That's a difficult one. I obviously don't want arguing or animosity or over the top displays of emotion. But you know what would be nice? Just if he said something like, "I'm really sad it's turned out this way, I genuinely am". Or anything like that really. He's just cracking on like all is normal without acknowledging the pain I'm feeling and/or communicating what (if anything) he is feeling, if that makes sense.

So to answer that: I don't want dramatic displays of emotion or crying or heated arguments. I just want some simple spoken words that tell me the past 8 years meant anything to him.

I was in your shoes op when I split with exh. To be honest the bit before the split (be that months or years) is the hard bit. Accepting your relationship is over and the decision is made to split is the bit where you start making peace and moving on. That’s certainly how I felt, like a weight had been lifted. We too decided to tell the kids after Xmas (we’d made the decision to split end of Nov). To be honest I was more emotional once it was out in the open and the kids / wider family knew, but even then I kept my emotions hidden from exh as that’s what your family and friends are for. Just because he’s not showing emotion doesn’t mean he’s not feeling it. Often when one of you moves out it hits harder too. It’s probably too early doors for him to be processing it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I don't understand why you want to pretend things are OK. If your child is a toddler then they won't understand Christmas anyway. As for your family members, if they spend a day with him without realising they're not going to see him again, then they'll be annoyed or angry about that, won't they?

What's the plan for after new year? Is he moving out? I would bet my house on him having another woman. His attitude now shows you that. If he doesn't want to leave right now then I would think there's something going on at her end, too, where she's going to tell her family she's leaving after Christmas.

If I were the child of someone who did that I'd struggle to get past it - the memories of that last Christmas would be really awful.

I don't mean your toddler there; I mean if the children are older.

Sadly I agree this is likely.

@cannotdoitanymore - it’s okay to change your mind about keeping a brave face for Xmas/NY. You can say it’s just too difficult for you. Your toddler really won’t understand the ins and outs of it. And adults can look after themselves. And if you’re both agreed on splitting, it should be possible to make sensible co-parenting plans.

I'm sure it was his idea for 'after Christmas'. I imagine he didn't want or couldn't be bothered to deal with the hassle of finding a rental while his lovely warm house was right there, either that or he has a rental and it's not available until January. I am sorry OP. But I would be glad he's not going to the family members occasion, they'll not be thankful to have been lied to on a major occasion. Much better to be honest about why he's not with you.

I think the worry if he does say something like that OP is that you may then go back with “lets try again” or “we don’t have to do this”, and then he has to be the bad guy who says “actually, no”. I think the time for the “I’m really sad it came to this” is when you are able to physically walk away from each other afterwards, because conversations like that when you are both still living in the same home etc can just make things a bit awkward. It’s a parting comment I would say, not something I’d want to say and then sit with. Totally appreciate it is difficult and I can see why he wants to get through Christmas for your childs sake, but I think you would benefit from starting to compartmentalise the situation in the same way he has. The only people you are pretending for are children, so I can understand why he doesn’t want to attend a party for family when presumably the following week they will all find out about the separation anyway

I think you are being unreasonable - you are still wanting him to act as a partner and emotional support. You have no idea what he's feeling because you're no longer his partner so it's not really appropriate for him to be sharing things with you any more.

Sure, a comment at some point that acknowledges the history you've had, but maybe he's not there yet.

I also think him agreeing not to come to this familyy party is perfectly reasonable. You're not together anymore. I think you should be telling family now though so that they can support you and also so that they understand. they can all act appropriately for the sake of your toddler.

We had the opposite problem with exBIL - he kept on coming to family events, or kicking off if he wasn't invited, for YEARS. It was torture for all of us.

OP you have had a very difficult time and your MH problems stem from this relationship.

It doesn’t matter how he’s acting or why, the main thing is that you finally ended it and now you need to focus on yourself and looking forward to being single and living your own life.

This will be much easier if you/he moves out and I would make this the priority.

As PPs have said, your child won’t know whether it’s done now or in a few weeks and your family/friends are going to know soon and so you shouldn’t be pretending to be a couple.
You don’t want your family to buy him gifts and then find out you were separated.

Dragging it out is going to make you feel worse.
Live separately from now and then you’ve got some time to adjust before Christmas Day.

OP youve got other threads describing him as emotionally abusive and someone who stonewalls and ignores you, and makes cruel comments to you when you’re in MH crisis. He’s not going to suddenly be emotionally reactive in the way you want him to be, particularly now you’re agreeing to split.

Whatever he truly feels, judging by your other posts it’s on brand for him to ignore emotional issues at best. Remember why you’re splitting - because he’s making you miserable. You need to stop wanting any sort of emotional support or validation from him, he’s proved to you time and time again for years that he has no interest in your well-being. That will not change with a split, in fact him cracking on as normal is probably the best thing right now.

Keep reaching out for support elsewhere, don’t look to him for it, he doesn’t want to give it if your other threads are anything to go by.

Well as the person who had this accusation thrown at them, I can tell you the reasons I was so ‘cold’ about it.

I was glad at least relieved the relationship was over.
I had been worn down by years of every action and emotion being viewed through the lens of how it was being done ‘to ‘ my ex to make out how awful I was.

There was no-one else and the accusations that there was, just made staying away and not engaging quite a bit easier.

You're right. It's just so heartbreaking that he can be so cold about it.

It's hard to seek support elsewhere as I haven't told anyone in real life about the split yet. So I'm either dealing with it alone, turning to him (pointless and futile), or posting on here. That's it, that's all the support I've got really.

I actually think my dh would behave like this in the same situation. He has the ability to shut down his feelings and become very cold very quickly whereas I'm quite emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve. It's one of the things I struggle with in him. Does he genuinely not care or is it a front or a way of coping?

In your case op you're getting away from it so although it must be painful try to remember that it'll be over soon and won't matter to you. I'm not sure why you'd be playing happy families and dragging him along to a family party however. Surely it's better to start to detach if this is the way it's going to go. Are you sure it's what you want?

Then make the choice to tell people in your life. Them knowing won’t impact your toddler

You do not h e to go along with this. Maybe neither of you have anywhere to go but you can certainly discuss with family. You'll feel a lot better when you stop pretending

I'd be willing to bet that once you have a very miserable xmas, family party and NY he will hang around like a bad smell spoiling every occasion and relationship you have.

He will keep you isolated from any support and in this misery, enjoying every moment of your agony.

This happened to me in 1995 and I can tell you that it took another year to get him to leave me - then he ramped up the torture.

@alphadawg

I'm not 100% sure, no. But that's because it's part of the pattern where he's lovely to me one moment - a glimpse of the "old" him who I originally fell for - and the next moment he's emotionally distant and does the classic stonewalling stuff.

My friend once said to me "you must get whiplash trying to keep up with him" 😂 - whilst this made me smile it is also very true and very unfunny. Because this is the emotional rollercoaster he's had me on for years now.

Those words won't change anything though.

The relationship is over, the only thing that words like that will do is open up wounds. Personally, I wouldn't be wanting to get into conversations like that unless I was hoping in some way to rescue the relationship. Without that goal, what's the point.

Other comments have mentioned that he seems to be a right dick, maybe you're better off not raking up the past, and just trying to be as amicable as possible for the kids.

Oh OP how difficult for you! Totally get that it can be hard to find a new place to move into so sometimes broken up couples have no choice but to cohabitate. It just sucks so bad.

I think I would probably act the same way he is. I wouldn’t do it because the relationship meant nothing to me but I think it would be a coping mechanism for me- denial sort of thing.

Perhaps watching some of Dr Ramanis (or Prof Sam Vaknin) youtube videos will help you see the picture more clearly.

What you describe sounds like Covert Narcissism and narcissistic hoovering.

Ex partner I thought ? To be fair ,I doubt your child will remember and I doubt they will hold it against him for all the other times in their life they will not come to "you family" events.

I don't think he owes it to you or your child to involve himself with the family he will no longer be a part of, that's just reality but you are entitled to want the attachment as much as you want .

He doesn't owe your family to show up also even when he was with you, whatever happened to free will? It's not by force and I hope you accept reality sooner than later , what happens to the next 10+ birthdays of this person that your next ex won't be ther for ?

I've just read a bit about this and it does resonate in places. The part about acting as though nothing has happened especially. The number of times he's told me "it's over" or stonewalled etc, and then a few days later is back to normal as though it didn't happen, I can't even count all those times there's been so many.

What's the housing situation op?