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Original poster

He's acting like it means nothing to him

81 replies

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 15:09

Partner of 8 year and I have agreed to split in the new year. We have a toddler so this is not an easier decision but we are both on board with it as a plan. I'm clearly emotionally affected by it all and he's just cracking on as normal - why is this? An attempt to hurt me? Or he genuinely doesn't care? We have agreed to remain civil but the lack of emotion is just so hurtful. And a few weeks before Christmas as well, it's all just so awful. We are going have to get through Christmas as a "fake" family and then separate. 😞

OP posts:
Curlywurlycaz2 · 13/12/2023 16:41

I get why you are upset. Separating may well be something that you are happy with, but it still feels like shit when it happens. And it does hurt to think that someone you cared about didn't feel the same way about you.

My ex was like this. Showed no emotion about the split. We were together over 20 years. And he moved on very quickly with someone new. It hurt and it made me feel like I was shit and out relationship had been worthless.

I kind of stumbled on attachment theories and have come to realise my ex was avoidant. One of my complaints in our marriage was that he didn't give me the attention and affection I needed. It helped me to look back over our relationship with that knowledge in mind and realise that he was just not someone capable to demonstrating or giving me the emotional connection I needed. It didn't mean he didn't care. But his way of demonstrating how he cared was not what I needed in a relationship.

I agree with the others. Nevermind playing happy families over Christmas. The quicker it ends and you're apart, the better IMO.

Darkandstormynite · 13/12/2023 16:44

Sorry to say, but when I decided to split with my exH I felt a massive weight lifted and wanted to move on as quickly as possible. It wasn't that I wasn't sad things hadn't worked out, it was more that I didn't need to be unhappy anymore or pretend.

It sounds like he's got to that place first and you're not quite there.

I agree with PPs, there's no need for him to go to the family party, that would just be awkward for everyone. Maybe he'll maintain a relationship with them, maybe he won't but that's up to him now.

rorret · 13/12/2023 16:57

If you've made the decision, there's no point in weeping and wailing about it really, and why would he be telling you how he feels anyway? That's inappropriate.

I think he's right not to go to the party - he's your ex and you're not together.

Sorry.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/12/2023 16:57

Sorry OP but practically I think he has the right idea. I can absolutely see the point to continue playing happy families for the benefit of children over Christmas, but for adults it is best to just rip the bandage off. If the relationship is over then it makes sense that he wouldn’t want to attend a party with you and your family x

Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 16:57

I haven't read through all the replies yet but I'll answer a question that keeps coming up - why the new year and not now? That was his idea - in his words - "I don't want this to ruin our DC's Christmas". That's why it's not physically happening until the new year - because he wants to do the false happy family Christmas one last time it seems.

OP posts:
rorret · 13/12/2023 16:58

Also if I was you I'd just end it now, this is just dragging it out for no reason.

Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 16:58

Whattodowithit88 · 13/12/2023 15:51

He doesn’t care and his totally ok with it because he has a side piece waiting in the wings. It will be a few months yet before you find out he has a new girlfriend and he will swear black and blue he met her after. Men lie, and very very very rarely move on without someone else to keep them company.

😞 this is what I've suspected too.

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 16:59

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 16:57

I haven't read through all the replies yet but I'll answer a question that keeps coming up - why the new year and not now? That was his idea - in his words - "I don't want this to ruin our DC's Christmas". That's why it's not physically happening until the new year - because he wants to do the false happy family Christmas one last time it seems.

But you agreed to it as well.

If it’s making it more painful, just end split now.

rorret · 13/12/2023 16:59

You didn't say you had children - I can see why, so close to christmas, he wants to keep it normal for the children, although I'd just move the process on if it were me because there will always be a birthday, or an anniversary, or easter or such and such.

Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 17:02

@NosamLDN

A tad unfair.

Who is benefiting if he shows up? Me and only me? Erm no. His young child who is also going to be there (it involves an overnight stay in a different part of the country), and also my family member who's birthday it is because she thinks a lot of my partner and is looking forward to seeing us all.

OP posts:
NiftyBiiknhui · 13/12/2023 17:03

I’d ask him to leave now OP and him see DC Christmas Day afternoon, take back control and do what you want to do

sorry it’s so close to Christmas

Vinrouge4 · 13/12/2023 17:04

NiftyBiiknhui · 13/12/2023 17:03

I’d ask him to leave now OP and him see DC Christmas Day afternoon, take back control and do what you want to do

sorry it’s so close to Christmas

I agree. A toddler is not really going to know what is going on.

Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 17:04

rorret · 13/12/2023 16:59

You didn't say you had children - I can see why, so close to christmas, he wants to keep it normal for the children, although I'd just move the process on if it were me because there will always be a birthday, or an anniversary, or easter or such and such.

It's literally my second sentence of the OP that we have a child:

We have a toddler so this is not an easier decision

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 13/12/2023 17:04

rorret · 13/12/2023 16:59

You didn't say you had children - I can see why, so close to christmas, he wants to keep it normal for the children, although I'd just move the process on if it were me because there will always be a birthday, or an anniversary, or easter or such and such.

The OP literally says they have a toddler in first post?

Dartmoorcheffy · 13/12/2023 17:05

rorret · 13/12/2023 16:59

You didn't say you had children - I can see why, so close to christmas, he wants to keep it normal for the children, although I'd just move the process on if it were me because there will always be a birthday, or an anniversary, or easter or such and such.

It clearly says they have a toddler in the first sentence.

JoanMacIntosh · 13/12/2023 17:07

Split now, Christmas will come and go, don’t get sentimental over it. The relationship is over, you’re hurting yourself for no reason at all.

Sugarsun · 13/12/2023 17:07

OP you have ended the relationship with this man because you know it’s the right thing to do.

It doesn’t matter how he’s behaving because there’s no right way to behave.

Its extra difficult because you’re still living together and I actually think things will be better if you weren’t living together and people knew about what you were going through.

Why are you still living together?
Who is moving out and does he/you have somewhere they can go sooner rather than later?

Original poster
cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 17:10

We are still living together because neither of us has another place to go right now.

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 13/12/2023 17:11

You both agreed but surely someone initiated it?

If it was him... probably he's either long moved on (mentally and emotionally already processed it) ahead of proposing the spilt, and/or he has someone else lined up.

If it was you...he could well be in denial and the reality is yet to hit.

YNK · 13/12/2023 17:12

cannotdoitanymore · 13/12/2023 16:57

I haven't read through all the replies yet but I'll answer a question that keeps coming up - why the new year and not now? That was his idea - in his words - "I don't want this to ruin our DC's Christmas". That's why it's not physically happening until the new year - because he wants to do the false happy family Christmas one last time it seems.

Yet he's not the one pretending for the sake of your family.

He's chosen this roadmap that you have to take and making it as painful as possible. No doubt the NY will bring more cruelty so take the initiative and end it before that.

He's toying with you like a cat with a mouse, knowing you don't want to hurt family.
LTB now!

rorret · 13/12/2023 17:15

I completly missed you said you had a toddler - apologies (and thanks to PP for pointing it out)

rorret · 13/12/2023 17:16

A toddler won't understand what's going on, and your family member isn't going to have a relationship with him worth a damn going forward, so honestly I'd split properly now.

Aria999 · 13/12/2023 17:18

It sounds like you don't really want to split, and it's more coming from him.

RamsaysBitchinNightmares · 13/12/2023 17:19

Hey @cannotdoitanymore
I have just split with my husband and we are staying together until after Christmas for our child's sake. We own a house together so it's a little complicated and we will need to support each other until it's sold.

It's hard but it sounds like maybe he is doing what my husband is doing, avoidance. We have agreed to split, it is mutual but I think we both are trying not to show too much emotion as that could turn a decision that is actually for the best all round.

I hope you get to move on soon

Bobbotgegrinch · 13/12/2023 17:28

How do you want him to be acting @cannotdoitanymore ?

If I'm splitting up with my partner and I'm stuck in the house with them for however long then I'd probably act much like your husband.

You've already made the decision to split, what's the point of arguing about it or getting emotional? Best just to keep things civil, make things as easy as possible while the transition is happening.

And as far as your family party goes, he's probably trying to do the right thing by you. If it were me I'd probably prefer to go by myself so that I can talk to my family and get support without him hanging around.