Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to move in and split things fairly?

101 replies

Ljmh2022 · 13/12/2023 08:57

Looking for advice for the fairest way to handle this please.

Been with boyfriend nearly 18 months, we are both 30 and we are moving in together in the new year. We both have our own houses already (both mortgaged) but we have decided he will be moving in to my house due to better location and being slightly bigger.
He doesn't want to sell his house (incase he is left with nothing i can understand this as i wouldn't want to sell mine either. I wouldn't be able to rebuy my house now with the cost of house prices etc) but he doesnt want to rent it out either (he has seen this go wrong/terrible tennants through friends who have rented before) which is fair enough. He thinks long term we can eventually buy a joint house together and rent our houses out but in like 5 years or something. Which then he wouldn't be as sentimental about the house he has worked so hard for/decorated etc.

So my question is how do we split things so it is fair?
He would still have his running costs for his house, still house Insurance, base rate gas and electric costs, still have Internet and tv package to pay at his plus his monthly mortgage payments.
Whether he moves in or not I am paying for Internet/ tv etc at my house anyway and the price of these will not change if he moves in or not.
So should he just be paying for the extra bit of gas/electric we will be using and then the share of food bills?
I don't want him paying twice for everything because he's obviously still got his bills at home and I don't want him chipping in for house repairs/mortgage anyway as I don't want him to have a claim on my house in any way. He has to pay council tax for his house still but agreed to pay half the council tax extra i will be charged as I will have to give up my single person discount.

Its just much more complicated in my head in this situation rather than clear cut split.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 21:06

So if he's not going to sell it or rent it, then will it just stand empty? What's the point in that?

He should definitely pay half of your bills - the fact you were paying for them beforehand is beside the point.

Or you could put all bills together from both houses (not repairs, though) and split those down the middle? How would that work?

His house is going to get damp and your house will have twice as much wear and tear - it sounds like a really bad decision unless you just do it for three months or so.

OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 21:08

The thing is that although you might well be happy most of the time, there might be times where you wish you had your place to yourself and if you feel you're subsidising him, this will make you feel very resentful.

I think he's being really silly not renting his place out.

Mumtime2 · 13/12/2023 21:13

I understand keeping his house.
I dont for the interest etc or why not rent it out.
No need to be pushing commitment until you live together and see how it goes.
What does that change except a legal process not the day to day relationship.
Ask him and see what he would do to pay his way.
Don't rush anything
I would keep my house as well.
Especially in today's current markets.
Think with your head not your heart.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 14/12/2023 08:01

randomstress · 13/12/2023 18:59

He will still have to pay council tax on an empty property long term although most councils have a set period of time that you will get an exemption.

There are no advantages to doing this OP. It is going to cost you money which is madness.

I would wait until you are ready to at least live in one property and rent out the other.

Some councils allow a 10% or perhaps even 50% discount for 6 months , but only if the property is unfurnished and he can provide evidence of this eg furniture in storage.

Otherwise he will have to pay full CT or in some areas, double.

If you could avoid paying CT by saying “ BTW I stay over with my GF some of the time “ then everyone would be doing it .

heartofglass23 · 14/12/2023 08:10

This isn't living together.

This is him having more access to your vagina.

snottymcsnotface · 14/12/2023 08:15

Has he thought about getting a lodger in his house?

He would still have full access to his house and could stay there occasionally, and I think it's up to £7k a year he can get before it gets taxed. That would help with his bills at his house. Obviously he would want to be picky about his lodger so he doesn't end up with one who doesn't look after the place.

disappearingfish · 14/12/2023 08:27

Remagirl · 13/12/2023 15:09

Most home insurance policies won't allow you to leave a property empty for more than 6 weeks.

This. Ditto the mortgage company. Does he have any friends or acquaintances who could move in as a lodger? There are risks to leaving a house empty.

Original poster
Ljmh2022 · 14/12/2023 10:29

tescocreditcard · 13/12/2023 21:01

What is your actual reason for living together OP?

The reason I ask is that years ago, living together used to be like a kind of "trial marriage" that people did to see if they were compatible before they got married. More recently, people started living together for financial benefit rather than a trial marriage because it was cheaper.

If either of those don't apply to you then what are your reasons for living together? It's a genuine question? Have you given it much thought?

We both want to live together as we want to spend more time together and see this as the next step in our relationship. It is in a way a trial marriage as someone quoted.
There's a lot of people saying moving in should be for financial reasons but this is not why we're wanting to do it. We don't need to move in to save money or gain an extra couple of hundred pounds a month my moving in together, we just want to because we're happy together (and in love)

Thanks for the advice, we're going to trail for a couple of months then review so then final decisions can be made on cancelling any extra subscriptions we still have at the other house and renting options.

OP posts:
EggNoggin · 14/12/2023 10:38

we just want to because we're happy together (and in love)

Be careful that your in love doesn't mean letting him get away with contributing less financially.

e.g. Him only paying half the CT increase.

AlbatrosStrike · 14/12/2023 10:59

Remagirl · 13/12/2023 15:09

Most home insurance policies won't allow you to leave a property empty for more than 6 weeks.

This is correct about insurance.

I understand he’s emotionally invested in his property and doesn’t want to sell it or rent it out right now. Would he considere short term let/airbnb? That way he’s getting some income out of it without losing ‘control’ over the property.

As for your living arrangements, he should be paying half of all bills/groceries and half the council tax imo. You shouldn’t be worse off financially because he’s moving in. Otherwise you’re just subsidising his lifestyle and second property. Also bear in mind there will be normal wear and tear from two people living in your house, while his will remain pristine. I’m not saying you should charge him (that’s what rent is for though), but that’s a cost you will end up covering yourself when you redecorate/ replace appliances etc.

As for pp suggesting marriage, don’t do it before you’ve lived together at least 6 months. This situation could be the result of him being level headed and careful with finances, but it could equally be the result of him being stingy and inconsiderate. Don’t tie yourself to him before you find out which one it is.

BentLikeBeckham · 14/12/2023 11:05

His rent money will be a nice nestegg for him while he dangles the marriage carrot for a woman in her 30s.
When a man sees a future with and loves a woman he will be all in and would invest all his resources on her. This man hates women and resents marriage, he is showing you who he is but sadly some people ignore all the red flags. This will benefit him more than you, you will be a chef maid and sex on tap for no serious commitment from him.

Floopani · 14/12/2023 11:11

Don't do it OP! Live separately until you buy together and marry.

If he has all these concerns about 'losing out' if he doesn't have his house, there is no way he is going to like getting married. I think you feel the same. Tread incredibly carefully and don't let him move into yours with the set up he suggests.

ActDottie · 14/12/2023 11:16

An empty house would likely invalidate his insurance. Why does he have such issue with renting it out? You can get insurance to cover rent arrears etc. if that’s what he’s worried about. It just seems madness!!

Appleblum · 14/12/2023 13:28

Why don't you move in with him and rent out your house instead?

tescocreditcard · 14/12/2023 13:31

It's a really good idea to trial it OP but make sure you evaluate everything after the trial period and don't be afraid to say - "it was good to have a trial, but I'm not convinced this is what I want long term so lets go back to how we were before". You've got to be quite a strong personality to say that though.

Also, you said YOU look upon it as a kind of trial marriage, but he has told you he doesn't want to get married so there is an issue there.

Vuurhoutjies · 14/12/2023 13:36

Appleblum · 14/12/2023 13:28

Why don't you move in with him and rent out your house instead?

Actually, this could be an interesting exercise. Suggest this with the exact same boundaries he is putting in place. ie you'll move in and only pay the difference in bills between what he is paying now and what you will be paying together....

See what he says.

hahaha.

Vuurhoutjies · 14/12/2023 13:37

We don't need to move in to save money or gain an extra couple of hundred pounds a month my moving in together, we just want to because we're happy together (and in love)

Sure, but any financial benefit should be felt by BOTH parties, not just one.

Jop1984 · 14/12/2023 13:55

As someone with recent experience of a very similar situation… I would 100% advise against moving in together unless the household bills, food and expenditure at the very least are going to be split equally. It will only lead to resentment and potentially a breakdown of the relationship in the future otherwise. Trust me on this!

Palewildflower · 14/12/2023 14:53

I know you’re not keen on renting, but could you if not find an estate agent that does quarterly inspections ? When we were renting before we bought our house the estate agent did that to us. We obviously had nothing to hide and the house was always gleaming! Would that not put your mind to ease about renting ?

stealthninjamum · 14/12/2023 15:09

Op I can’t stress this firmly enough but you need to not lose out from him moving in and also set deadlines (in your head, you don’t need to tell him) for the next stage whatever you want that to be. I would say most people on the thread don’t think he’s that committed to you so don’t get trapped for years without moving forward.

Honestmama · 14/12/2023 18:39

You both need to be prepared to sacrifice otherwise the relationship won’t work! If you’re not prepared to then live separately in till you can buy together!

SuperGreens · 14/12/2023 18:56

So all the wear and tear is on your property, your bills go up instead of down, and I bet he's planning on getting his cooking and cleaning done by you too. How wonderful for him. But you'd have to be mad to go along with this. Frankly I'd chuck him back in the sea just for suggesting it.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 15/12/2023 01:06

@Ljmh2022
I hope you have agreed ( and written down) how you will divide all housework. Or you will end up doing everything apart from the “ extra” work that he believes he will be creating.

As you would have to shop, clean, cook and do laundry anyway, that wont count.

Peoplecoveredinfish · 15/12/2023 05:29

I don’t have views on finances, but I would absolutely live with someone in this way. I’m 45 and divorced, so it’s different, but no way am I throwing my finances or housing in with someone again. I’d go so far as you say I’d live with someone ONLY if they had a house. (Or at the very least secured joint savings to rent one for a year). I never want to be in a situation where I wanted to ask someone to leave and had to make them homeless. And I’d never, ever want to be with someone who might want to leave and couldn’t with nowhere to go, any more than I’d want to be in those situations. So whatever happens, I’ll always keep a ‘bolt hole’ and expect a partner to do the same.

Don’t fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Is that similar for cohabiting couples? So objectively, the spare house is more likely to be needed than not and it’s a good decision to keep it. (I’d rent it myself, mind. Income to be split 50:50, equity remains all his. Then bills 50:50 in your house, equity to remain all yours.

EtiennePalmiere · 15/12/2023 05:43

Sounds like you're only asking him to contribute a tiny bit, which isn't fair to you. Half a single person discount of course depends on band, but probably less than 50 quid ? He should at least pay half of all the bills. It's also odd that's he's leaving his house empty, at least cancel the TV and Internet ! I think there's a few red flags here.