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Original poster

How to move in and split things fairly?

101 replies

Ljmh2022 · 13/12/2023 08:57

Looking for advice for the fairest way to handle this please.

Been with boyfriend nearly 18 months, we are both 30 and we are moving in together in the new year. We both have our own houses already (both mortgaged) but we have decided he will be moving in to my house due to better location and being slightly bigger.
He doesn't want to sell his house (incase he is left with nothing i can understand this as i wouldn't want to sell mine either. I wouldn't be able to rebuy my house now with the cost of house prices etc) but he doesnt want to rent it out either (he has seen this go wrong/terrible tennants through friends who have rented before) which is fair enough. He thinks long term we can eventually buy a joint house together and rent our houses out but in like 5 years or something. Which then he wouldn't be as sentimental about the house he has worked so hard for/decorated etc.

So my question is how do we split things so it is fair?
He would still have his running costs for his house, still house Insurance, base rate gas and electric costs, still have Internet and tv package to pay at his plus his monthly mortgage payments.
Whether he moves in or not I am paying for Internet/ tv etc at my house anyway and the price of these will not change if he moves in or not.
So should he just be paying for the extra bit of gas/electric we will be using and then the share of food bills?
I don't want him paying twice for everything because he's obviously still got his bills at home and I don't want him chipping in for house repairs/mortgage anyway as I don't want him to have a claim on my house in any way. He has to pay council tax for his house still but agreed to pay half the council tax extra i will be charged as I will have to give up my single person discount.

Its just much more complicated in my head in this situation rather than clear cut split.

OP posts:
Curlywurlycaz2 · 13/12/2023 17:30

Just stay together but living separately. I really don't see what the benefit of living together would actually be if not to share the financial burden.

Prelapsarianhag · 13/12/2023 17:33

Why do men always seem to benefit more from these arrangements?

category12 · 13/12/2023 17:37

As others have said, why would he still be paying for tv & internet at his place if he's living with you and it's standing empty?

He does always see the negative side though and says things like 'when couples get divorced, the man always loses the house/the man is always worse off' I've told him I don't like these comments as they are stereotypical and not true! I've told him I'm not going to screw him over if we ever did split up. If I was after his money/assets I would have chosen someone much richer! Ha

This is inaccurate sexist bullshit designed to make you bend over backwards to prove you're not like that. Manipulates you into being overly generous and to fail to protect your own interests. Probably why you're being suckered into paying half of council tax increase.

Vuurhoutjies · 13/12/2023 17:37

FloweryWowery · 13/12/2023 16:45

'when couples get divorced, the man always loses the house/the man is always worse off'. I'd be very very wary of being with someone with this view which is both untrue and sexist.

this too. When someone tells you who you are, believe them.

W0tnow · 13/12/2023 17:39

Can you both put a set amount into a joint account each week and use that to pay for all food, holidays, shared household expenses?

FrancineBox · 13/12/2023 17:45

when a man loves you he will WANT to pay all your bills. It's like wanting to cook for him or tidy up after him. This man is one foot in one foot out he isn't committing to you, if you want DC you better find a more serious reliable man.

FrancineBox · 13/12/2023 17:46

He is using feminism against you and to your disadvantage. He loathes women.

Thenewmags · 13/12/2023 17:48

Vuurhoutjies · 13/12/2023 17:37

this too. When someone tells you who you are, believe them.

Show quote history

Yep, I agree with pp. If you’re not going to split everything and be better off financially perhaps best just to live separately for now.

When I’m ready to move in with my partner I’d probably allow him to stay for a maximum of a few months and see how things were going. And if all was good I’d expect him to make a commitment by moving in properly and renting his house out so we can split mortgage and bills etc. And if not, he should go back to his!

Your bf is being very cautious and that’s his choice but it indicates a large degree of uncertainty and a lack of trust. He doesn’t sound fully committed. Again, also OK but you might want to bear this in mind.

I’m not sure about his claim that men end up worse off! That’s subjective. Many times they may have earned the most, so they feel like they lose out in a 50/50 split. However this ignores that their ability to work and progress in their career was partly because they had a wife working part-time or in a less demanding job so she could take care of their kids and home more.

The problem is with some men they only look at the finances they contributed and ignore the physical and emotional toll on their wives who took care of other things.

I’d be very wary of getting into a relationship with a man who expressed those kind of views.

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2023 17:52

He needs to rent out his house, then you can split all the bills and have an agreement he pays you rent.

FloweryName · 13/12/2023 17:56

Why does he need to pay for internet and tv package at a house no one will be living in?

I understand if he still has time left on a contract, but after that I think he should pay for half of all the bills in the house he’ll be living in, with any repairs or maintenance costs being your responsibility.

FPCculture · 13/12/2023 17:57

FrancineBox · 13/12/2023 16:41

I hope he's not just stringing you along. It all seems to benefit him. What do you actually get out of him moving in? 2 years to get married is too far away at 30.

2 years is far away to get married? This is why people divorce quicker, rushing things. Marriage is a big commitment

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 13/12/2023 17:57

Whatever you decide, please get a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor and ask him to sign it BEFORE he moves in.

FPCculture · 13/12/2023 17:58

FrancineBox · 13/12/2023 17:45

when a man loves you he will WANT to pay all your bills. It's like wanting to cook for him or tidy up after him. This man is one foot in one foot out he isn't committing to you, if you want DC you better find a more serious reliable man.

"when a man loves you he will WANT to pay all your bills". Being a sugarbaby or kept woman is what defines love these days? I would feel for those who fancy you.

Please explain how you came down to "feminism" in this post by OP?

muchalover · 13/12/2023 18:01

If he doesn't contribute fairly then realistically you are subsiding the cost of his house/ paying parts of his mortgage.

You need to have open conversation now with a review date set for Easter time ish so that changes can be made.

Any suggestion (he has already done this) that he is not contributing fairly (council tax suggestion) then call it out. His reaction is key. Don't go into this with love giggles on.

AuContraire · 13/12/2023 18:07

Why does he still need to pay for council tax, and TV and Internet packges if he won't be living in his house?

I take it he's not really thinking he's "moving in", as in moving all his stuff/furniture etc into yours, and changing his address; rather he's just planning on staying over every night, but with his own house ready to bail to when he fancies it?

randomstress · 13/12/2023 18:59

He will still have to pay council tax on an empty property long term although most councils have a set period of time that you will get an exemption.

There are no advantages to doing this OP. It is going to cost you money which is madness.

I would wait until you are ready to at least live in one property and rent out the other.

HouseChainDrama · 13/12/2023 19:11

The main issue is, he's not very bright.

He's going to pass up hundreds of pounds in rent, take on the risks of an empty house and screw you over financially, for no logical reason.

I wouldn't want children with someone this daft. Get a smarter one!

BoxOfCats · 13/12/2023 19:15

The starting point should be that he contributes 50% of the costs of living at yours. If he chooses not to rent out his house, that is on him. He is choosing to give up the extra income.

CalistoNoSolo · 13/12/2023 19:28

I hope you're questioning his motives OP, because it's all a bit off isn't it? And fgs, make sure he can't under any circumstances get his mitts on your house.

GreekDogRescue · 13/12/2023 19:57

I’d suggest moving in with him and renting out your house and see how he reacts

Bamboozledbylife · 13/12/2023 20:06

Why on earth would you want a house to stand empty for 5 years? Can't he go through a proper rental company, take a good deposit and be a part of the tenant interview process? I'm sure he could take out insurance independently to be covered. Seems like such a waste and risk.

FluffyKitty007 · 13/12/2023 20:23

@Snowconecanfly this! It all sounds very bizarre and throwing a source of income away. Unreasonable

caringcarer · 13/12/2023 20:27

I think half of water, electricity, gas as you will no longer get a council tax discount of 25 percent he should pay the 25 percent so you are not worse off and half of food and laundry products and half of contents insurance so his things are covered. You will likely need to increase contents insurance.You pay TV licence, house insurance, internet and anything like Netflix you already have but if he wants sports channels you don't already have he should pay for those. He can cancel his broadband, TV licence, and Netflix. He will still have to pay council tax at his property and once his property is empty for more than a year this doubles in most councils to try to deter empty houses. You both pay your own mortgages. You could suggest living together for 6 months and if both of you are happy after the 6 months sell both houses and buy one house together.

webster1987 · 13/12/2023 20:35

Not what you're asking but his home insurance will be invalid if sat empty

tescocreditcard · 13/12/2023 21:01

What is your actual reason for living together OP?

The reason I ask is that years ago, living together used to be like a kind of "trial marriage" that people did to see if they were compatible before they got married. More recently, people started living together for financial benefit rather than a trial marriage because it was cheaper.

If either of those don't apply to you then what are your reasons for living together? It's a genuine question? Have you given it much thought?

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