Advice on cheating husband

[padmorn]

I have posted before for advice but just a quick overview. Husband of 17 years cheated on me at the start of the summer. At the time I was taking care of our 3 month old, 1 year old and older child. I was really struggling with them and he appeared to have checked out for months. Taking care of himself looks wise and going out a lot. Turned out he was cheating I can across evidence.

He has been quite cruel about it all and said some horrible things to me. Until this day we is still denying it and won't admit it but that's the sort of person he is.

At the moment I have asked him to leave after Christmas and I mean this the relationship is done. However until then he is still here, he appears so happy to me that this is the way things are going.

However the main issue I have is that he trying to turn things around and says that we are ending because of many faults of mine, that I'm unloving and a shit wife basically. He never ever said this before the cheating scenario but according to him he is saying we've been like flatmates for years. He has never brought this up and I thought we were happy up until the cheating.

Please help me understand his behaviour in struggling enough with two young children here on my own until I go back to work and he leaves.

How do I not let this get to me, he obviously wants to look like the perfect family man and everything's my fault.

He sounds a prat. What makes you think he will go after Christmas

@padmorn

He told me NY Day last year that he's been having an affair, I was completely shocked. After a few days if him crying, seeming suicidal and not knowing what he wanted to do he said he wanted to be with me. I think due to the shock and absolute dread of telling our daughters I said I wanted to try to work things out.

It was awful as I just didn't trust him. Within 2 months I was convinced he was still seeing the OW, he massively gaslit me until I got proof in April last year and kicked him out. His mum went from being supportive and encouraging me to stay with him (he'd told her about the affair) to blaming me for ending the relationship. She now goes along with his version that I was awful to him etc.

18 months on I've put the divorce in but he won't communicate with me at all re our children or the finances. As far as I know he's still seeing the ow and lives between hers and his parents. He lied to our daughters and messed them around so much that they refuse to see him (they're secondary school age). He is still paying the mortgage and towards the bills.

@padmorn

I have told people exactly why we split up, but in my case it was pretty obvious as it turned out he had not been being very discreet. The ow lives a 5 minute walk away and worked at the sports club he spent a lot of time at. Other people knew before I did.

Him and her actually think they've done nothing wrong. He's lied to her about all sorts, when I told her some facts and she temporarily ended things with him he lost it with me saying I'd "ruined his life". His levels of arrogance and entitlement are astounding.

My ex didn't cheat but was abusive. He twisted it all too. They are selfish men who's ego can't stand to be wrong. They can't stand the idea of others judgements- which is ironic because most women I know don't go shouting their dirty laundry about why a marriage ended that's a male trait.

My ex was also ridiculous about the reason for the divorce. His ego couldn't take him being at fault. Even with solicitor advice that it makes no difference to financial or child arrangements who is at fault it just meant you can divorce faster. And I think it's changed no you can get no fault divorce straight away?

He's a selfish man his ego can't take it. As others are all saying it's classic script for men caught out.

Id actually consider moving out yourself if he's being difficult about leaving. It's nice to have a new place and a new start without his shadow and memories hanging about

This.

Anyone who sees a man with very young children who has split up with his wife will come to their own conclusions

He might try and blame it on you but I think everyone knows that when times are tough with young kids you don't throw in the towel unless you are a total shit

He's absolutely desperate for a reaction from you. He positively craves it. That's why he's antagonising you with the texts and nastiness. The best weapon in your arsenal right now is the grey rock technique. You say this is what you've been doing, so just stick with it. Keep strong and don't react, and comfort yourself with the thought that it will be driving him crazy and damaging his ego beyond belief.

Just count down the days until he leaves and focus every scrap of attention on your beautiful children. It's probably also advisable to privately come up with a plan B, in case he decides to refuse to move out in order to make life harder. You need something in place that you can swiftly cut him off and get free of him, whether he likes it or not.

Unfortunately it’s not really so hard to understand as it is to accept.

He cheated, he lied about cheating, now he’s lying about the reasons for the relationship ending. Pretty easy to understand.

But it’s hard to accept that this selfish, dishonest, even cruel person is the same man you have loved, trusted and cared about for many years. It’s hard to accept that he really doesn’t care about you at all even though you are a decent person who deserves to be cared for. It’s hard to accept that he apparently feels quite justified in blaming you for what are clearly the consequences of his own choices.

Why is it though when you've proof and even by his actions after that you still doubt it happened even though I know it did, is it my brain trying to protect itself or something.

I've just told him that I'm changing my hours on returning to work as it would be different being single and I've just spoke to my manage this morning and submit the form. He says he want to be civil just can't help but be rude to me.

I think it's shock op
Even when I caught my alcoholic exh redhanded drinking in the morning my brain was like 'no this can't be real ' and he was the same , lied and gaslit me to the point I thought I was making it all up

I have told him he has 1 month to find somewhere else to live but he's getting angry and saying I should move out and children can stay with him. He's trying to hurt me

When my husband had an affair and actually left for OW, the worst thing for me was his character assassination of me. It was the most bizarre thing. He knew that everything he was saying wasn't true but he has to say it to justify his actions. Then OW started sending me emails that were so cruel and sadistic, I ended up having a breakdown. She called me every name under the sun. She was clearly furious when it became obvious I was utterly blindsided because he'd been telling her for months how awful I was.

He also told people we were friends with that I hated them and slagged them off all the time so they turned their backs. One particular couple actually covered for them. I was deeply hurt. However, it soon became clear it was all projection. Every nasty thing they said and did they were describing themselves. The people who mattered picked me up and got me through. I spent too long trying to defend myself and reason with him. You can't do it. Grey rock all the way. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I know how agonisingly painful it is. You will come out the other side though. I promise

He has said that I won't be taking the children to my parents house for Christmas dinner where we were all supposed to go!!

Just wanted to chip in and say my dad did this to my mum. He's really selfish.
He gaslit her to point she thought she was going mad.
Now I'm older I have zero time for him but all the time in the world for my mum. She met someone much nicer.
I don't think my dad ever stopped being a cheater, over many many years. He was a shit father.

Anyway, as long as you are as ok as can be. Hold your head high and know life will get better, without a dick like him in it. Hug your kids and let yourself have a cry when you need to. I think you are very strong!

I really don't think he can stop you

Update for anyone who cares

He is moving out today. Unfortunately it's just a spare room rental which will be a stepping stone. Which means he will still be here most evenings to see the children and I will be doing overnights and early mornings all by myself whilst he gets a lovely sleep. I told him there's a time limit on this setup of perhaps a month or two until he rents a proper home where he can then do overnights.

He's been horrible on and off up to this point. Too much to go into.

However he's leaving today whohoo.

Ooh great update!
Once he's actually gone he'll probably try to make things as difficult as possible for you.
Concentrate on your new routine with the DC and don't rely on him to co-parent amicably.
If you can put in place a new work schedule & childcare as a lone parent then when he comes along to let you down at the last minute it's going to have no effect on you.
Basically don't rely on him.
Well for getting him out, you've got this 💪❤️

I agree with itsgoingtobeabumpyride you need not to rely on him and try not to show him the irritation when he messes the plan around. He also doesn't need to be in your house every evening. You need to agree a contact schedule asap and stick to it. One or two evenings a week and every other weekend is pretty standard.

You can do this, head down and keep on keeping on. It will eventually settle into a routine but the next few months will still be hard on you and the kids.

Hurray! So glad he is going. It will be even better when he can take the kids. Try and go out when he is with them in the evening.

Universal credit will help with childcare for my return to work so I will be in control of everything more at this point aswell.

I can't wait to be free in the evenings on my own when the children are sleeping. His moods won't be dictating this house anymore.

Well done strong lady. I was in your situation before my divorce 6 years ago; luckily my child was almost grown up which made it less complicated. You will rejoice in the lack of moods trust me. All the best for the future

I don't understand why you have to keep quiet what he has done?
If anyone asks, why not tell them? He'll only make out you are the bad guy.

You've done so well so far and should be proud of yourself. One day you will be able to look back and be happy that you have removed this peice of crap from your life.

Good bloody riddance! Time to rebuild yourself. You will get there

Well done. The trash finally took itself out.

@padmorn I care. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. It's going to be hard but it will undoubtedly lead to a better life. He sounds like an awful man. You've done nothing wrong. In time he will realise what a mistake he made. You and your dc will be better off.