Desperate

[Mixedup1234]

It's 3.30am, I'm yet again sat downstairs on my own, DP snoring away upstairs.

been together nearly 2 years. Very complex but basically I don't trust him. When we got together he was still in touch with a 'close friend' ...... I stupidly snooped, she was declaring her love for him, he wasn't exactly discouraging but as far as I could see there was no active flirting from him. I found a playlist he'd sent her - before we were together - he ended up unfriending her and as far as I can see there's no contact now?

then he became very close to a colleague. Lots of messages to and fro, again I snooped, stupidly, she was very keen to message, tho I never saw anything flirty other than that she'd missed him
when he was off work!

he's now on a course with a new job, three weeks away from home Monday to Friday. Mention a woman quite a lot who he's met on the course. Same age as him, the others are all younger. They've set up a WhatsApp group and he's never off it. They are staying in a hotel whilst on the course. He takes his phone to the toilet and he's active on WhatsApp, he goes to put his kids to bed and he's active on WhatsApp. I know his passcode and he does occasionally leave his phone if he nips upstairs. He's also just made friends with her on Facebook. My senses are telling me something isn't right?

That's a lot of drama in less than two years. Has it ever been calm and happy with him? I can't tell if he's just a perennial flirt or you're unnecessarily paranoid but either way it doesn't sound worth the hassle

@Mummymummy89 thanks for replying. He's been going thru a divorce since I met him, it's been constant stress. Don't get me wrong there are positives....... when he wants to be he's very loving, tells me he loves me all the time, very affectionate. He's moved town to be with me, changing his job. I just don't know whether it's me like you say being paranoid?

I thought I had things to worry about with the friend, then the ex work colleague, now all that I can think of is the two of them in this hotel! We seem to be constantly at each other, yes it's stressful he changed his job and this course is full on. He came home last night, cuddled up with me, tells me he loves me. Tells me he's going nowhere and we are together forever?

At this point you don't have anything to challenge him with.

His colleague texting to say she misses him could suggest an emotional affair at the very least.

You said that you've twigged that he goes onto WhatsApp when in the toilet / putting his kids to bed. Does this mean as soon as he leaves the room with his phone, you go onto WhatsApp to check if he goes online?

This will end up driving you round the bend. You have to either find concrete evidence or voice your concerns to him.

@yhk it IS driving me round the bend. Yes im constantly checking his activity. I was convinced something was going on with his ex colleague, obviously there wasn't? This one has my senses going into overdrive too. I've not seen much of him whilst he's been on this course, obviously I accept that, but when he's home he's constantly on this new WhatsApp group. And I just seen thru ate now friends on Facebook. I have visions of them together in the hotel.

Has he cheated before? Ex wife? This includes non sexual cheating. So texting and emotional affairs.

How did you get together?

Did you accuse exes of cheating?

Tbh it’s hard to say if you are overly jealous or he is inappropriate and lacks boundaries (walls and windows).

@Mixedup1234 I get what you are feeling.

When I was training for my job, I was also added into a WhatsApp group and spent a lot of time talking with them (I'm not normally a big texter). It could be completely innocent as it was in my case. It was the excitement of the new job, as well as going over things we had learnt in the training as we had tests that we had to pass throughout.

@FairyMaclary no he's never cheated as far as I know. He was married for 20+ years and his ex cheated on him. We got together as we knew each others families for years, always got on, even when he was married but never anything untoward. He never flirted with me whilst he was married.

@yhk thst is what I'm hoping. He mentions others on the course but they are very young, married or gay. This woman and my DP are the only ones the same age on the course.

All of his links with other potential love interests, as well as still going through divorce, just makes the relationship seem like it's not worth it tbh. I understand he must have some redeeming qualities but his links with other women are consistent.

He seems to allow opportunity for you to snoop his phone, and you don't find anything incriminating from him there, but his level of activity with the phone and various things from other women is a red flag. It could be that he is sending them flirtatious messages but deleting them afterwards on his screen only so you don't see, you only see some of what the women say.

He has moved towns to be with you etc but this behaviour with other women continues. It could be that he doesn't see the issue with leading women on or something so he feels he can have both you and women at work.

Have you heard of 'love bombing'? It's an emotional abuse technique that he may be using on you.

You're better off on your own or with someone whose actions don't have you worrying at 3:30am. Wishing you the best ❤️

He's been really stressed with the job change I understand that. He's moved home and changed jobs in a short period of time.

@MayMi thank you. I don't think he is deleting messages? Im
not 100% tho. As far as I'm aware this new woman on the scene he only chats to on the group chat? I've not seen messages between them personally? But now they've made friends on Facebook I don't know?

It's definitely a possibility and if he has given you no reason to suspect that he's doing the dirty on you, it's what I'd encourage you to try to settle with.

Just remember, you don't have any clear evidence that anything untoward is going on, he's not at this training by choice, and just because this woman is the same age as him doesn't mean that anything is going on. It's also fairly common for colleagues to add each other on social media. Especially in his situation where he is away in a new place with all of them for a period of time.

Your feelings are of course valid, and it really would be best for you to talk to your partner once he's back from the course. Until then, try to relax!

@yhk thank you. I've just looked on WhatsApp and he's yet again online!!! Tho he is just getting up.

I can't relax, I don't even know how to bring the subject up without him either denying it if something is going on or thinking I'm a complete jealous lunatic.

Aren’t you exhausted OP? Something is clearly off in your relationship if you’ve spent all night ruminating about this. It sounds like you’re constantly trying to monitor his online activities - what do you hope to get out of this? From your messages, I don’t think anything will reassure you. The bottom line is there’s no evidence that anything is going on - are you going to keep monitoring until you find some evidence that he’s stepping out on you? And if you do find that, what then?

All this worrying and monitoring isn’t helping you. And you’re not enjoying your life in the meantime - you’re missing it.
There are always going to be new colleagues, new acquaintances - it’ll be a long life of worrying if you keep this up.

Set your standards for yourself - what’s the bottom line if he cheats? Decide this, and then just let it go. Stop waiting and searching for evidence, because you’ll never have peace if you keep going the way you are.

@Barbarella73 im completely exhausted.

I guess the bottom line if he cheats is obvious I think im just trying to pre empt it so im not made a fool of? I wish I could find peace. My gut is not often wrong, although it obviously was with his last work colleague. the messages to her were not flirty, like I've said she said she was missing him when he was off on leave which was weird?

this new colleague ? I don't know is it all me? I appreciate he will have new acquaintances and colleagues but with this one, I don't know I'm just ultra suspicious?

he's just left now he's staying away the next two nights.

It’s interesting that you mention being ‘made a fool of’. I don’t see how anyone (including yourself) should perceive trusting a partner as foolish. If someone betrays that trust, isn’t that on them?
Who do you imagine would consider you foolish in those circumstances?

i want to say this next bit with kindness, so please bear that in mind:
Do you not think the way you are behaving now is foolish? All your headspace taken up with fear?

It may be worth consulting a therapist - if only to try and identify the person whose voice is in your head telling you not to make a fool of yourself. You internalised that long ago.

Focus on yourself for now, not your partner/husband. You can’t know what’s in his head, and you don’t believe when he tells you anyway.

Just break up with him. This is a waste of your energy.

@Barbarella73 i started my first counselling session yesterday. I really thought I'd come out with some clarity tho it was all about my breathing and mindfulness. I have another session next month.

you are right about the term foolish maybe that's the wrong term? I feel if he is going to cheat I can't just sit back and let it happen does that make sense? I feel I have to know every little detail?

Yes I do think my behaviour is foolish. I felt physically sick when I saw he'd added her on social media. Why on earth would I feel that?

The thing is once you lose trust you never ever get it back again, not 100%. You are only two years in and you haven't trusted him since the beginning. I'd throw this one in the bin.

It's your body trying to tell you something.

Relationships shouldn't be like this, full of anxiety and drama and checking up & policing of behaviour.

Especially in the first couple of years, it should be the honeymoon period still.

Why are you trying to make it work with someone who you can't trust ? You're making yourself unwell, physically and mentally.

But is it all just me or has he actually done anything to deserve my not trusting him?

When I feel clarity my sensible brain tells me he's a loving loyal parter but then I feel he's going to cheat on me with the first female he friends on social media!!

like I say I AM starting counselling I'm hoping that will help me. He came home last night he tells me he loves me more than anything and how he's not going anywhere we make plans for the future. We are about to book a holiday for heavens sake why would he do that if he's planning to cheat?

I don't think he's cheating. Are you sure it's just her he's texting on whatsapp? It might not be and could be work related.
I know I'll get blasted for this, but if it were me, I would go through his phone when he is back. The reason I say that is the possibility of emotional cheating and his phone behaviour (taking it everywhere, always online) is a red flag. It would drive me mad too. Bare in mind that once you do that, even if you find nothing, the relationship is probably not worth saving. Unless, of course, this is just your insecurity and you can work through it.

I went through a lot of jealousy and insecurity in my last relationship. Again, he was only just divorced and was very loving. But something was off. I absolutely don't think he was physically cheating; he just wouldn't do it. Whatever it was though, in retrospect I put it down to the relationship just not being right for me. I was super paranoid about his facebook, the fact he kept his phone close, the fact that he just wasn't very transparent as a person, emotionally unavailable. I'm so glad we broke up now because I was unhappy.

Hugs to you. I’ve been very similar in a relationship before, and like you, usually my gut was right. I was checking his online activity constantly I felt like I was going mad.

Have you ever talked about boundaries in a relationship and friendships/emotional affairs? Might be worth bringing it up and saying you don’t feel comfortable with him getting close to female colleagues. Say it makes you uncomfortable- I mean it does!!

He may be unaware and just lonely since moving jobs (even though he’s done this before so it’s not a new thing) but also it isn’t really nice to see women messaging him that they miss him etc even though I have definitely done this in past when working with people - although I was young and none were married!
The fact they are also staying in a hotel together and he’s added her on fb and messaging constantly I can see why you feel concerned, I’m sure he would too!

I recently heard about the “let them” theory - where when you try to control a situation you have to realise you just have to let the person do what they’re doing to do. You don’t actually have any control over them (although as above I’d say you really should discuss boundaries first) and if they still don’t behave in a way you like then maybe you just aren’t compatible!

I’ve wasted years worrying about a boyfriends activity, if something’s off speak up and if behaviour doesn’t change then consider your options.