Desperate

[Mixedup1234]

It's 3.30am, I'm yet again sat downstairs on my own, DP snoring away upstairs.

been together nearly 2 years. Very complex but basically I don't trust him. When we got together he was still in touch with a 'close friend' ...... I stupidly snooped, she was declaring her love for him, he wasn't exactly discouraging but as far as I could see there was no active flirting from him. I found a playlist he'd sent her - before we were together - he ended up unfriending her and as far as I can see there's no contact now?

then he became very close to a colleague. Lots of messages to and fro, again I snooped, stupidly, she was very keen to message, tho I never saw anything flirty other than that she'd missed him
when he was off work!

he's now on a course with a new job, three weeks away from home Monday to Friday. Mention a woman quite a lot who he's met on the course. Same age as him, the others are all younger. They've set up a WhatsApp group and he's never off it. They are staying in a hotel whilst on the course. He takes his phone to the toilet and he's active on WhatsApp, he goes to put his kids to bed and he's active on WhatsApp. I know his passcode and he does occasionally leave his phone if he nips upstairs. He's also just made friends with her on Facebook. My senses are telling me something isn't right?

The mindfulness stuff will calm your brain so you can think more clearly.

You said:
when he wants to be he's very loving, tells me he loves me all the time, very affectionate.
(underlining added by me)

I am afraid his words count for very little, compared with his behaviour, which does strike me as off. As for his marriage, lots of people think my Ex is wonderful - believe me, he isn't, and wasn't while we were married (cocklodger, which I hid for the sake of DC, and for the avoidance of my own shame)

I think some people love being around chaos, unfinished business with exes, needing multiple sources of validation etc

Other people don't need this

Personally I've been where you are, I was all over the place & he was cheating on me

It turns you inside out

I know it's hard but consider walking away with your head held high

No man is worth loosing yourself over & that's what is starting to happen

Were you anxious about being cheated on before you were cheated on in the past? I think this plays a massive part in how you are feeling now.

You've mentioned his old colleague texting him flirty messages and him not replying in kind. I have been in the same situation in the past. I am a bit socially awkward and didn't have the balls to tell her to cut it out as it would've made things awkward for me at work. My girlfriend at the time thought it was funny and sweet as she knew how awkward I was about it.

You really have to make peace with the fact that if your partner wants to cheat, he will do so. If you are overly jealous, this could drive him away from you.

You keep snooping. You clearly don't trust him or respect his privacy. Whether you're right or not to do so isn't the point. In 2 years this is too much.

Just end things. Otherwise every couple months you'll find yet another excuse to look in his phone until that one time you DO find something worth snooping and youll convince yourself you were always right to go through his shit this entire time.

Take a step back and look at the kind of person you're becoming because of this relationship. Whether he is cheating or not, you're paranoid and constantly checking his phone and his WhatsApp status. This isn't healthy

Do you have any other interests OP?

I'm struck by "nothing else to do if he's on his phone"

When I'm sat home at night it's hard not to pick up MY phone when he's on his

My ex snooped through my texts and messages all the time. It's controlling and a complete breach of trust.