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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Desperate

82 replies

Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 03:59

It's 3.30am, I'm yet again sat downstairs on my own, DP snoring away upstairs.

been together nearly 2 years. Very complex but basically I don't trust him. When we got together he was still in touch with a 'close friend' ...... I stupidly snooped, she was declaring her love for him, he wasn't exactly discouraging but as far as I could see there was no active flirting from him. I found a playlist he'd sent her - before we were together - he ended up unfriending her and as far as I can see there's no contact now?

then he became very close to a colleague. Lots of messages to and fro, again I snooped, stupidly, she was very keen to message, tho I never saw anything flirty other than that she'd missed him
when he was off work!

he's now on a course with a new job, three weeks away from home Monday to Friday. Mention a woman quite a lot who he's met on the course. Same age as him, the others are all younger. They've set up a WhatsApp group and he's never off it. They are staying in a hotel whilst on the course. He takes his phone to the toilet and he's active on WhatsApp, he goes to put his kids to bed and he's active on WhatsApp. I know his passcode and he does occasionally leave his phone if he nips upstairs. He's also just made friends with her on Facebook. My senses are telling me something isn't right?

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 13/12/2023 08:51

Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 04:35

@yhk it IS driving me round the bend. Yes im constantly checking his activity. I was convinced something was going on with his ex colleague, obviously there wasn't? This one has my senses going into overdrive too. I've not seen much of him whilst he's been on this course, obviously I accept that, but when he's home he's constantly on this new WhatsApp group. And I just seen thru ate now friends on Facebook. I have visions of them together in the hotel.

This isn't healthy at all. Do you honestly want to live like this? No trust, that constant sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, the endless snooping. It's no way to live

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 08:55

appreciate all your answers. You are all right. Yes how dare I snoop? I'm not proud of it. It's like I'm determined to catch him out! Yes I've been cheated on before. I also met my first serious partner on a course exactly like my current partner is on. He was married. I'm not proud of that I was 20, would I do it ever again? Absolutely not!!! So maybe my actions nearly 35 years ago makes me realise how easy it is to happen! I know I'm driving him away last weekend he said I always look miserable!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 08:57

@Whattodo112222 i absolutely do not want to live like this!!!

OP posts:
gannett · 13/12/2023 09:04

All the red flags are coming from you OP. If I was one of your partner's friends and knew half of what you've told us I'd be telling him to run for the hills.

You haven't described anything suspicious at all. He gently fended off some unrequited attention from a woman who lives an ocean away. And then he had two female colleagues, whom he messaged. Those things are completely normal. And yet you are the one obsessing with no evidence and constantly invading his privacy. You don't sound ready to be in a relationship at all, and I feel very sorry for him.

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 09:29

@gannett thank you. I need to hear this. My mind is constantly buzzing between MY behaviour and HIS..... as I've said when I get my sensible head on I feel he has done nothing that wrong. Yes he could've been more open about the friend and I don't know why he archived the chats with his ex work colleague. He had been thru a tough few years, we both have. Our relationship hasn't been 'normal' since it started. He lived in a different city, different job. His divorce is still ongoing. It's constant stress. I do love him. When the stresses reduce slightly we are great together . But I also realise my actions and behaviour is wrong that's why I've started counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 09:33

But equally he drives me mad with this constant phone use. Yes he very occasionally leaves it on the side, but like adt night it was firmly in his pocket in his pjs!! Every time he went to the toilet or in the kitchen he was online. I saw a few messages on the Home Screen as I was moving about the room, all from this new colleague in the new WhatsApp group. I came downstairs early this morning as he was snoring so loudly and I didn't want to keep waking him up as knew he had a busy day. He was literally online at 5am just before his alarm went off.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 13/12/2023 09:37

Hmm, no. You don’t add collegues on FB. Just LinkedIn. It’s odd adding them on FB

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 09:56

I've been facebook friends with a lot of colleagues in my time.
Are you sure that he's actually constantly on his phone? What I mean is, I know whatsapp is showing him as online, but do you literally see him on his phone? And is he doing it in front of you? What happens when you come into the room?

His phone being in his pyjamas at night is weird. But that is something to call out at the time. Or just saying, how come you're always on your phone (if you see him on it all the time). This is a case of questioning it, then stating you'd prefer differently; then if nothing changes you have to reconsider the relationship. Not because he might be up to no good, but because he isn't listening to you.

And you say the relationship is great and really loving. But then, wouldn't you be spending quality time together, instead of him being on his phone when he isn't working? That's something to bring up, surely?

Let go of needing to know if he is being unfaithful or if he is straying. There is nothing you can do about that, and as you've recognised, it results in unhealthy behaviour that will only drive him away anyway. Put it aside and approach things from wanting to have a great relationship. You can only try to chat with him, the rest is outside of your control. If he won't do that, you don't have a good relationship.

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 10:18

@Firefly2009 thabk you

Yes he's on his phone. He will put it on the side then if he nips to the bathroom he'll put it in his pocket. It made me suspicious so I looked and ping he immediately goes online! Like I say I know his passcode surely if he was hiding something I wouldn't? He'll often give me his phone to Google something if mine is on charge for example. I have brought it up before about how his phone is constantly going off. I don't get a good response. He snaps back that I'm always on mine! Generally I pick my phone up as there's nothing else to fo if he's on his.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:26

And what does he say he is doing on his phone all the time?
I'd focus more on the relationship rather than on being suspicious. Being snapped at if you try to bring up an issue isn't a good sign. Perhaps sit him down and tell him you miss quality time with him so you're not feeling too happy with things. But be proactive and positive. How would you like things to be? Both in terms of how you are and how he is. Aim for that; communicate that.

And then if nothing improves, and you've done what you can, it's time to move on. The basics though is the communication. Be positive, honest and loving about it. That's all you can do.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:34

I should add that this is also the best way to find out if anything untoward is going on (unless you decide to actually go through his phone). And this is healthier all round. If you start playing detective and questioning him, it will just push him away regardless, and you'll never know. But this way, it's a win-win. If nothing is going on but he's just being neglectful, things will change for the better. If something untoward is going on, he's not going to be very responsive...Or, if the relationship is going downhill, he won't be very responsive.

The relationship will either improve or it won't. He is either up to no good, or he isn't. Focus instead on you, and what you can do in a positive direction, both for yourself and your relationship. Focus on what you want, not on what he's doing.

Rania78 · 13/12/2023 10:59

I recently confirmed that my husband is cheating. I was suspecting for months but for many different reasons I only decided to look for evidence now. I was never the type to look into phones etc, I m simply not possessive or jealousive.
I now regret this and wish had done it ealrier because I would have possibly left him 2 years ago. There were possible signs back then. Plus you need to protect yourself from possible STIs.
So, I would say that If you find the courage - not easy - check his phone. Don’t confront him, he will suspect and start deleting messages.
Usually a woman’s intuition is correct, unless of course we talk about pathological jealousy etc.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 11:09

@Rania78 I guess the question is, why did you suspect? I think OP is struggling to know if she's unreasonably insecure and it's just her DP being rubbish right now, or if all this phone use is legitimate reason to be suspicious. As you can see from the thread there are views in every extreme.

Babla · 13/12/2023 11:15

OP you are just making things more difficult for yourself by snooping

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 11:27

Yes I know I have made things more difficult by snooping.@Rania78 you have hit the nail on the head, am I being ridiculous or is he being a t**t?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 11:28

@Firefly2009 ive sent you a private message some things I don't want to disclose publicly

OP posts:
Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 13/12/2023 11:32

A lot of people do take their phone to the bathroom. I imagine he's being possessive of it because he knows or suspects you've been trawling his messages.

I have absolutely no idea where my husband's phone is 99% of the time, and i have no idea how often he gets messages. I don't care if it's in his pocket, or on the side, or if he's active on WhatsApp. I don't care if he takes his phone to the toilet with him.

Because i trust him.

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 11:36

@Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights youre right, the issue is I don't trust him. There's been little things that make me think but it's not like he's been caught red handed. As I've said he was faithful throughout his marriage as I knew him then and I know his family really well. Do I not trust him
becayse he's made me feel it is it literally just me and because I've been treated horrendously in the past I feel and almost wait for him to do it?

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Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 11:39

Because we both drive long distances for work we have the 'find my' enabled on our phones. Surely a cheater wouldn't? I'm trying the mindfulness the therapist taught me yesterday. She told me to fully concentrate on what I'm doing, if I'm driving JUST DRIVE, run a commentary, if I'm ironing JUST IRON. That sort of thing. Apart from being on here and initially checking his status earlier my phone has been off. I'm really trying im not a bad person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 11:41

His WhatsApp pic is off me and him, he changed it last week it was of all of us including his children. His Facebook is me and him, he hardly posts his last one was our anniversary and he publicly stated how it had been a great year etc. all
these things should surely make me feel more secure?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/12/2023 11:48

F

pikkumyy77 · 13/12/2023 11:53

Just want to add that monthly therapy is not going to do you any good. You won’t get enough understanding of yourself, fast enough. This is a deep seated insecurity stemming from your experience as a cheater yourself. You see every woman as a stalker and everyman as a cheater in waiting. You were comfortable with your dp because he was like a used car you got from a family member. Your whole family “knows” him and you have known his history. But even that is not enough for your reptile brain. Deep down you don’t trust him. So end it and work on yourself.

Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 12:00

@pikkumyy77 the therapist yesterday described the reptilian part of the brain, the mammalian part and the human 'thinking common sense' part. Interesting

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixedup1234 · 13/12/2023 12:01

But I have to try the counselling. I was happy single for many a year im
struggling being in a relationship.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 13/12/2023 13:35

He's a serial cheater.. you know this already.

If you aren't planning to leave, (which you should) stop snooping, and come to some acceptance and tolerance that this is the way things will remain.

If you're going to stay, find some other things to do and focus on.

You'll never trust him, you feel the need to snoop, he is pretty much vocal about meeting up with other women and fancying them, he knows that you're snooping, etc...)

He's disrespectful and doesn't care.

More importantly, you don't respect and love yourself.

Leave and perhaps therapy would be beneficial.

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