Desperate

[Mixedup1234]

It's 3.30am, I'm yet again sat downstairs on my own, DP snoring away upstairs.

been together nearly 2 years. Very complex but basically I don't trust him. When we got together he was still in touch with a 'close friend' ...... I stupidly snooped, she was declaring her love for him, he wasn't exactly discouraging but as far as I could see there was no active flirting from him. I found a playlist he'd sent her - before we were together - he ended up unfriending her and as far as I can see there's no contact now?

then he became very close to a colleague. Lots of messages to and fro, again I snooped, stupidly, she was very keen to message, tho I never saw anything flirty other than that she'd missed him
when he was off work!

he's now on a course with a new job, three weeks away from home Monday to Friday. Mention a woman quite a lot who he's met on the course. Same age as him, the others are all younger. They've set up a WhatsApp group and he's never off it. They are staying in a hotel whilst on the course. He takes his phone to the toilet and he's active on WhatsApp, he goes to put his kids to bed and he's active on WhatsApp. I know his passcode and he does occasionally leave his phone if he nips upstairs. He's also just made friends with her on Facebook. My senses are telling me something isn't right?

@Firefly2009 i don't know if it's JUST her he's texting? I see his WhatsApp group name followed by her name pop up a lot. So he's texting her within the group? I don't know if he's messaging her and her alone. I have snooped in the past but now I'm scared of what I'll find!

He might have archived their chat so I doesn’t show up on his list but yes could be messaging her. To add her on fb he certainly either went out of his way to find her or she added him.

@Chelsea543 i don't know how to address it? He'll know I've snooped if im
completely honest. I can imagine he'll become defensive he has in the past, he snapped at me yesterday as he'd said he'd phone me and I was waiting and he was late and I missed his call as I had stuff to do. When I questioned it he said to stop questioning him he's doing his best blah blah blah and told me about the restraints of not being able to phone whilst in a classroom etc!

Exactly one of them searched for the other but then people say it can be innocent too on a new job etc

He's known her 8 days!!! Why would he risk everything???

He's constantly online now on his course and she's say next to him!!!

SAT

You say you can’t just sit back and let it happen - how on earth could you stop it if it were going to happen? You cannot control what another person does.
Your current behaviour is destructive and unhelpful:

If he is cheating already, how is this behaviour helping?
if he is not cheating, how is this behaviour helping?

Either believe him and trust him (it can be a choice, yes) or don’t believe him and end the relationship.

It’s up to you. But continuing on like this will serve nobody.

I wish you well, but I’m not going to read any more of this thread.

I felt physically sick when I saw he'd added her on social media. Why on earth would I feel that?

It sounds like you have never trusted him
so for 2 years it’s just got worse and worse and worse !

And as he’s now made a new female friend it’s exacerbating
Facebook and WhatsApp are the same firm now (meta) so they add WhatsApp contact to ‘people you might know’

id shift the thinking from ‘what’s wrong with me me ‘ to ‘why don’t I trust him ?’
you have a reason not to ?

Also consider that a life free of stressing might be an easier one

@Barbarella73 thsnk you you have given me good advice.

@Indifferentchickenwings i don't trust him. How on earth do you just stop stressing? I wish I could.

Mixedup1234

it’s simple
you end the relationship 🤷‍♀️

mine ended (actually he ended it in the end )
but I look back and I’m like WTAF
😱
how did I let that continue ?
he made me so unhappy and so anxious

You cannot control if someone cheats. That’s like believing people cheat due to unmet needs. Of course they don’t. If you get 80% of your needs met in a relationship you are lucky, it’s your job as an adult to meet the rest and have self control. Watching someone’s favourite films, cooking them cakes and oral sex every night doesn’t give someone the values of loyalty, integrity and honesty. Our actions cannit control others people.

What values does he show by his actions. Is he honest? Would he lie about things. Not cheating but other things. Is he a man of his word? Or is he sneaky and likes to get one over on people? Think about his action only.

Do they align with what you want in a partner?

Counselling once a month will be a long process. Have you read ‘women who love too much’?. You need enough in your life so if he cheats or leaves you are okay.

I've never suspected him physically cheating. But the messages from the 'close friend' and the work colleague made me distrust him. The friend one is difficult. Because I'd snooped I'd seen hers to him she was telling him how much she loved him. He'd replied he loved her as a friend. She lives in Canada so no chance of them being together! Since he met me there was no flirting texts just catch up but he's not told me he was still in touch with her. The work colleague was also stressful. Lots of mentions of her, added on all social media, she was messaging him on instagram and Facebook. Again nothing flirty, apart from she said she missed him whilst she was off for a prolonged period (leave and further training). He archived her messages!!!

@Mixedup1234 How did you know/find out that she's sat next to him?

@FairyMaclary in answer, he's a very honest person generally. Like I say I've been a family friend for decades. As far as I'm aware he was faithful throughout his marriage snd it was his wife who cheated, leaving him with his children. The whole family are good honest people. His family would be completely horrified if they knew he'd cheated?

@Firefly2009 I don't know he's literally sat next to her but there's a handful of them in a classroom environment so why would he be texting her if she's with him? So maybe he's online to other people he's in a few groups for his hobby also his children.

You can't live like this. If you love someone you have to trust them, and live your life.

My ex was jealous as you are about my having friends of the opposite sex. I found it really insulting and ridiculous to be honest. Destroyed the relationship. Nothing sexual was going on, he was just too possessive. I got sick of it and ended the relationship.

You need to ask yourself why you are freaking out so much.
Either he's cheating or he's going to. Or, he's not and won't and you need to have a conversation about boundaries with friends of the opposite sex.

You thinking about this is not going to make any difference as to whether he cheats or doesn't. I don't think that's the issue here. The issue is that you're not okay with him being potentially close with other women; I wouldn't be either so you need to discuss that with him.

And so what if he does cheat, or is cheating? You leave him. If you can be okay with that, you will stop freaking out.

So he's never given you any concrete reason not to trust him, but you're snooping on him, monitoring who he is talking and reading his messages?

It's him who shouldn't trust you. It must be such a headfuck for him knowing you're going to go play Sherlock and invade his privacy if he even so much as talks about a woman.

Why are you with someone you don't trust to this extent?

Dear lord. Look this relationship is doomed. You need to walk away. You aren't doing yourself any favours trying to make this work.

Maybe it's this relationship, maybe you aren't in the right place for any relationship - whatever, this is just daft. It's not the right relationship for you.

In the good, sensible relationships that I've had, I've never once behaved like this but in the crazy, dependant ones which I should have run away from as fast as my fat little legs would take me, I've behaved like this. Been there, done that and thankfully healed from the experiences.

@AbsolutelyFemale thats why I'm scared to bring the subject up! Is it that I just need to work on my own securities? Has he done anything wrong? Is it just that my mind is blowing an innocent situation out of control? My sister knows him (obviously) she thinks it's MY issue, she thinks he's just made a new friend on his course and he's excited about it? Would he tell me about her if he was cheating? Plus how could someone cheat with someone thehvery known a week?? I feel wholeheartedly and sadly that's it's MY issue. He said this morning before he left that I looked sad I said I am! He doesn't know what I've got to be stressed about! I asked him if we were ok he kind of snapped back of course we see what a stupid thing to say!!!!

I just read this and i think - how bloody dare you go through his messages like that?! Who do you think you are!?

He's known her 8 days!!! Why would he risk everything???

Risk what? What is everything? A girlfriend who doesn't trust him to breathe near a woman without accusing him of wanting to cheat, snooping, questioning him? He's had a hell of a few years, going through a divorce and now accused of cheating if he talks to a woman, even in a group setting.

You should break up with him and get some counselling because your actions are actually abusive, checking up on him, asking him to account for what he's doing online, reading his messages. If you were a man posting about a girlfriend you'd have your arse handed to you for being so controlling and jealous.

Yes. This is all you. This is your problem to solve. He hasn't done anything wrong. You've seen his messages 😠 he's even rebuffed a woman who told him she loved him. That's the opposite of cheating. He's probably snapped at you because he's sick of having to justify himself to you.

Theres a book by Shirley Glass that talks about walls and windows as a concept in a relationship (Google walls and windows Shirley glass as websites do summarise it). It’s worth a read (The book is how to help your spouse heal from your affair). I have male friends and work in a male industry but I shut down any flirtation or nonsense as I don’t need ‘smoke up my butt’ to feel good. If the chap knows I’m married I actually find it cringeworthy. But some people love the ego boost of people feeding their ego.

If he is in contact with an ex who has feelings I can see why that bothers you. Personally I wouldn’t reply to an ex who declared such feelings apart from to say I wish you well but I’m on a happy relationship. I would then block them and tell my partner as I cannot see what good would come from that friendship continuing. But I am also very aware that it’s a slippery slope when you engage in such ego kibbles. I want to protect my marriage.

Did you feel like this in previous relationships or did you get burnt in your last relationship?

Also do you think if a man cheats the woman should feel shame? As if she is someway at fault? I think the fault lies squarely at the cheaters door - their poor characteristics allowed them to make thousands of poor choices. I would never see it as the victims fault. The victim needs to know she is the prize and cheatymccheater is low value. I wonder if thinking about why you need to control something you cannot control will help you.

It may be that you are not ready for a relationship. Or it may be that your spidey senses are right.

But regardless you need to explore it and resolve it or call it a day. You will ruin the relationship otherwise and he will leave (and you cannot control that either).