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Original poster

Partner on fab swingers

91 replies

Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 09:01

We have been together for nearly 9 years and I found out last night he’s been on fab swingers. I have safe search on my internet and it won’t let me access fab swingers. I’m assuming it’s for hook ups? Or could he be using it as porn? I probably sound stupidly naive but he has never been away anywhere where I don’t know where he is. He works from home and he’s literally never anywhere. Am I stupid? I threw him out when I found out. I feel like black is white. Totally never saw this coming. He’s really vanilla sex wise. I just don’t know what to think. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone IRL. Please help me

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 10:43

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:34

Depends on what OP and her DP have discussed about porn, TBH. Use of porn is a dealbreaker for some people, use of 'interactive' porn is a dealbreaker for more people etc.

Show quote history

It's interesting that he hasn't said anything about it though (other than being angry). Why not clarify anything?

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:43

Because he has run away to clean up his profile and then come back and deny the extent would be my guess

Dontbeme · 12/12/2023 10:51

I had this experience too OP, found he was signed up to various hook up and swinging sites. When I googled the username he had on the sites it brought up an escort site and I got to read the reviews he left on the escort pages of various women he went to. He described one woman as "value for money", so what I am saying is brace yourself for what you might find. I am so sorry he has done this to you.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:54

I still genuinely believe he’s not met up with anyone. Yet. But why join a swingers site for porn? Does that mean he wants a threesome online? I honestly feel so blindsided by this. He is so missionary position, sex once/twice a week kind of guy. And has been for the past 7 years. (First couple of years were way more! Sorry if TMI) He’s nearly 60. (10 years older than me)

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:57

Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:54

I still genuinely believe he’s not met up with anyone. Yet. But why join a swingers site for porn? Does that mean he wants a threesome online? I honestly feel so blindsided by this. He is so missionary position, sex once/twice a week kind of guy. And has been for the past 7 years. (First couple of years were way more! Sorry if TMI) He’s nearly 60. (10 years older than me)

As per the above, it can be more exciting/genuine for some people to see “real” couples having sex at home than watching two skinny 20 somethings acting in a perfect white sheeted bed, or whatever.

CombatBarbie · 12/12/2023 11:00

Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 09:23

Just looked it up for you and it's a forum, set up in the format similar to mumsnet, but for swinging couples.

How did you find out he was on it?

Edited

Thats only part of it, the rest is profiles, you can message etc organise hook ups, club events, socials.....

Duckingella · 12/12/2023 11:07

My friend is a member (for their own reasons);we discussed it candidly;it's essentially first and foremost supposed to be for meeting those into the swinging lifestyle to meet up.

People do post erm photos and videos of themselves on there;some are set to private others are public so he could be viewing those.

Apparently there's a sub section where people (usually blokes) submit badly written porn stories and for a premium you can view the webcam sections.

As a woman on there she does get random blokes sending her unsolicited dick pics and expecting her to meet them just because they sent her a message and they get offended when she says no.

Anyway he won't be on there accidentally that's for sure.

Sdpbody · 12/12/2023 11:08

I am really randomly on fab swingers as my friend and I were talking about it, and you had to log in to view the comments. I am 100% not cheating or swinging.

Rooroobear · 12/12/2023 11:15

As much as it is a swinging site, there’s lots of men and women in there looking for causal hookups and not swinging. You have to pay £5 to really see anything….you can message and see certain things without paying but that’s it. My payment goes on my phone bill so unless you have access to it you may not see it….or he may not pay for it

Hitshow · 12/12/2023 11:16

He could be using it for various reasons.

There are hundreds of men for every woman so it’s not easy for a man to hook up, unless of course he is very good looking and can hold a conversation. It also helps if verified and already has some reviews! (Some men on there have hundreds so must be top shaggers!)

He may be using it to view naked women (or men- who knows?) - it is a free site to join and there are thousands of pictures - ie fairly vanilla porn.

He may pay a monthly fee (£5) which gives you more access and also access to videos of couples fucking and other stuff.

Opentooffers · 12/12/2023 12:54

Geez you are not missing out, your sex life sounds dull as with him. Move onto better without a backwards glance. Maybe too much of this was born out of convenience of proximity.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 12/12/2023 13:44

Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:54

I still genuinely believe he’s not met up with anyone. Yet. But why join a swingers site for porn? Does that mean he wants a threesome online? I honestly feel so blindsided by this. He is so missionary position, sex once/twice a week kind of guy. And has been for the past 7 years. (First couple of years were way more! Sorry if TMI) He’s nearly 60. (10 years older than me)

He's almost certainly not met anyone as single men have a VERY hard time finding anyone willing to meet them especially if he can't accommodate but that doesn't mean he wasn't trying. Lots of men (and women but less so) use fab to look at photos and videos of real couples and to engage with them on cam (not sex work, you pay monthly to the site and exhibitionists sometimes go on cam). As a vanilla man in his 60s he's almost certainly using it for the porn aspect. TBH for me it's far more ethical than using commercially produced porn but al of this should be discussed and parameters agreed between you. He's gone behind your back and that's a fact.

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 13:56

Agree with @Bobtheamazinggingerdog

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/12/2023 00:10

So we had a conversation. It was ‘just curiosity’ apparently. I had almost bought into the he was just looking at porn but this has me thinking otherwise.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 13/12/2023 00:15

Did you ask to look at his account "out of curiosity"?

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/12/2023 00:16

I mean who just ‘out of curiosity’ looks at a swinging website?! I’d never even heard of them but I’m obviously the stupid one here

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 13/12/2023 00:25

Trust me unless he has a 6 pack and a big dick he won't be meeting women/ couples off that site.

You would be surprised how many "straight" men on there aren't.

Ask to see his profile, its highly unlikely he has even got a verification and then you can see who he's been messaging etc and make your decision on whether he has been unfaithful or it it's just want fodder.

PermanentTemporary · 13/12/2023 00:27

Well, yes, he really might just have been curious. It's certainly possible. As to who does this... have you ever shared fantasies? Has he ever mentioned an interest in a third joining you, or meeting a stranger in a bar and going straight to bed, anything?

I was on those sites including Fab for a while. I was on there to meet up. I was surprised to find how many people are just on there for wank fodder tbh.

You don't have to believe him but I don't think it's 100% certain for sure.

josuk · 13/12/2023 00:32

@Nomorebagels

As a 60yo single man - there is really not much he can do on Fab. Look at pictures, maybe say hi to people. Not many would
engage.
These websites are full of younger single men and they struggle to meet anyone.
So - if actual cheating is the main concern - its not likely.
I get the curiosity point he made - or maybe better said - fantasy aspect of it. Seeing pictures, imagining things. Maybe imagining himself younger.

I don’t know what has been happening in your relationship, or with him.

I can imagine a person being bored and using fab as some version of porn - bit more interactive and less fake.

What you do with it - probably depends on how your relationship is otherwise?
If you are generally happy - i’d say its worth having more conversations and see what is happening in his head.
If you are generally not that happy - this is as
good a reason to move on.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/12/2023 00:38

No he has never mentioned any interest in a third person. I don’t really understand after nearly nine years how we got here. Has he just hidden it all this time? I’m really confused

OP posts:
josuk · 13/12/2023 01:43

@Nomorebagels

I think your mind is racing and you are making this into a more complicated story than it is.
He doesn’t have an interest in a threesome that he has been hiding from you.

Not in any practical sense that is.

As a fantasy - many men probably have at some point imagined it. But in reality very few would act on it.

The most likely explanation is that he used the website for wanking and fantasising.

What are you mostly reacting to? Is that the porn aspect of it? Or interactivity - where he may have chatted to people? Ot his fantasising he is younger and more virile?

How has your relationship been prior to this?

RosaCaramella · 13/12/2023 02:57

Has he been watching the newish TV series “The Couple Next Door” on C4? Maybe that’s where he got his curiosity from.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 05:03

I agree with the recent comments about how your relationship is otherwise. I'm so glad other people who know about this site have commented. I think the bigger question really is whether you are happy and fulfilled in this relationship. If you are both amazingly happy and in love, you can get past this with a fuller, deeper discussion and reestablishing boundaries.

I suspect that this is not the case?
How are you proceeding for the time being? Is he sleeping on your couch, or is he still slumming it in his flat below? Please don't just let him stay with you for convenience or out of pity. He's a grown man!

I think I would really dislike it and be uncomfortable with a partner being on a site like that. The reason being, if he had been exchanging messages or if there was any interactive stuff/porn. Porn in itself, I can accept so long as it's not frequent, it just seems like everyone looks at it. If I really trusted a partner and he says he was just curious, and that's the end of it, that would be fine.

The key element here is trust generally. You also said you had a feeling that something was off, which is why you looked. What gave you that feeling?

Btw, you have nothing to beat yourself up about!

Ladyofthelake53 · 13/12/2023 05:46

Rufus Sewell
Monica Belluci
Sophia Loren
Colin Salmon

To name but a few

Ladyofthelake53 · 13/12/2023 05:47

Oh blimey sorry wrong thread....

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