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Original poster

Partner on fab swingers

91 replies

Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 09:01

We have been together for nearly 9 years and I found out last night he’s been on fab swingers. I have safe search on my internet and it won’t let me access fab swingers. I’m assuming it’s for hook ups? Or could he be using it as porn? I probably sound stupidly naive but he has never been away anywhere where I don’t know where he is. He works from home and he’s literally never anywhere. Am I stupid? I threw him out when I found out. I feel like black is white. Totally never saw this coming. He’s really vanilla sex wise. I just don’t know what to think. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone IRL. Please help me

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 12/12/2023 09:21

Friend of mine had the same. Found evidence of fab swingers in DH search history. He claimed he was just chatting because he felt lonely blah, blah, blah. Friend asked to log into his account to check his story. He refused so she started digging into bank statements, his phone etc. Turns out he was fucking a married woman in budget hotels. Grim. Gave him another chance, counselling, for the sake of the family, he carried on doing it.

LTB. I know it's hard but not LTB could well be worse. He's a dick and you deserve better. x

Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 09:23

Just looked it up for you and it's a forum, set up in the format similar to mumsnet, but for swinging couples.

How did you find out he was on it?

Floppyelf · 12/12/2023 09:27

He is unfaithful. Any man on there pretty much is having sex or looking to have sex. I would cut my losses at this point and get the ducks in a row. There’s your answer, whether you like it or really want to end the marriage is your choice illuminated by your realities that we on an online forum cannot easily imagine.

Life really is precious, we only get a limited time here on this planet and to me wasting even one day with someone who doesn’t value you seems a ridiculous price to pay.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 09:47

Things have been off for a couple of months and I checked his phone ( not proud of that but I just had a ‘feeling’). His most recent search history was the fabswingers log in page

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 09:55

It's really something how your intuition guided you there. Try to stay tapped into that.

I don't think it's a porn site, it looks more like people seeking each other out for sex. Interesting to think how he'd manage that, because you think he couldn't have been anywhere. But I agree that was most likely his intention. How did the conversation go before you threw him out, what did he say?

So sorry this has happened. But you did the right thing. This would be a dealbreaker for me too.

Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 09:58

Best case scenario, he was getting off on reading stories there. But I'm not sure. You have to join (which is free) to read stuff, and I don't want to venture there for research purposes. I think the trust would be broken for me anyway. I mean you can read dirty stories in plenty of other places, so it must have been for the purpose of communicating with people, at the very least about sex.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:00

He didn’t say anything when I confronted him other than being outraged I’d looked at his phone. To make things even worse, he’s my neighbour, that’s how we got together. He moved in with me about 8 years ago but now he’s back in his flat

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 10:08

If his flat has been there all along, could he have been using that? I'm assuming you're not with him all the time.

He owes you an explanation, but if he's being like that, you might not get one. How far away is his flat?

I would try to pretend he doesn't exist for the time being whilst you take good care of yourself.

Onelifeonly · 12/12/2023 10:13

Just because you trust someone and technically 'know where they are at all times', doesn't mean they can't fit in opportunities to meet up with someone.... They will rely on your trust in them to do so.

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:14

Fabswingers is a place where meet ups can be arranged.

It’s also a place where you can watch women, men or couples performing sexually and comment or make requests (which they may or may not do). Essentially, it’s for exhibitionists and voyeurs.

It’s a visual site, not an erotica site.

It is quite likely he is using it as a version of porn to watch “real” people.

Whether that is a dealbreaker for you is up to you, but it is very possibly true that he hasn’t tried to meet up with someone via the site.

Cheeesus · 12/12/2023 10:15

Oh OP. He may never go out, but do you? I would be wanting to work out whether he actually could have done anything. I’m not sure how much it matters if the intention is there though.

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:16

Cheeesus · 12/12/2023 10:15

Oh OP. He may never go out, but do you? I would be wanting to work out whether he actually could have done anything. I’m not sure how much it matters if the intention is there though.

Again, it is perfectly possible to use Fab without intending to arrange a meet up.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:18

Thanks for the replies. His flat is underneath mine. I can even hear when he is on the phone so I’d know if anyone was in there. It’s uninhabitable at the moment, he’s stripped it right back to the bricks and is doing it up so definitely not a location for hook ups. He’s down there on a camp bed. No working bathroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomorebagels · 12/12/2023 10:20

I work from home 4 days out of 5 so I guess the day I’m away he could meet up with someone

OP posts:
Greezynogreasy · 12/12/2023 10:21

My hunch is he’s been using the flat
It still available for him to move back with no notice?
Not rented out or anything?

Yes, he’s been relying on your trust to get away with this.

Greezynogreasy · 12/12/2023 10:22

Sorry crossposted

Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 10:24

No working bathroom is good. He's not going to smell good. Do not let him use your bathroom. I hope his toilet doesn't flush either.

Cheeesus · 12/12/2023 10:33

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:16

Again, it is perfectly possible to use Fab without intending to arrange a meet up.

Show quote history

If that’s all it was being used for wouldn’t you expect some sort of denial?

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:34

There are plenty of other porn sites available ...if people are on Fab sites it's for arranging to meet for sex

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:34

Cheeesus · 12/12/2023 10:33

If that’s all it was being used for wouldn’t you expect some sort of denial?

Show quote history

Depends on what OP and her DP have discussed about porn, TBH. Use of porn is a dealbreaker for some people, use of 'interactive' porn is a dealbreaker for more people etc.

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:36

@Floppyelfwhy don't you go on in an anonymised browser and if you know his username, you can see if anyone has left him a review of his 'performance' if he is a verified user, then he has probably met up with someone
Sorry @Floppyelf I tried to edit to remove your name and tag @Nomorebagels but it won't let me ☹️

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:37

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:34

There are plenty of other porn sites available ...if people are on Fab sites it's for arranging to meet for sex

Well, I'm on Fab - barely use it, signed up for £5 to see what it was about - and never had any intent of meet-ups.

For some, it's amateur. home made porn without the pop up ads and with - hopefully - a bit more visibility that the woman is consenting than the porn hub model.

NoNoNanette · 12/12/2023 10:39

Firefly2009 · 12/12/2023 09:58

Best case scenario, he was getting off on reading stories there. But I'm not sure. You have to join (which is free) to read stuff, and I don't want to venture there for research purposes. I think the trust would be broken for me anyway. I mean you can read dirty stories in plenty of other places, so it must have been for the purpose of communicating with people, at the very least about sex.

Getting off, i.e. jacking off? Didn't Shakespeare say that the thought is father to the deed? Stand by, OP, for a little 'suggestion', as I think swingers have to present as couples, don't they? If not, hie thee down the VD clinic and the solicitors. At least that would be my thinking.

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:39

@PansyPolly I have been in same situation as @Nomorebagels and I wouldn't minimise it. I also found ex on other fab sites

PansyPolly · 12/12/2023 10:41

Userer · 12/12/2023 10:39

@PansyPolly I have been in same situation as @Nomorebagels and I wouldn't minimise it. I also found ex on other fab sites

I am not trying to minimise and apologies if it came across that way.