DH and I have no common interests

[Fiddlesticks9]

I'm just looking for advice. DH and I have been married 5 years. I think we chose each other because we admired the other person's qualities - e.g. I appreciate his humility and consideration for others. However, we really have nothing to talk about. When we do try and talk, it's just one of us telling the other about something, and the other person has nothing to contribute. So it's not a conversation, just one person waiting patiently and tolerating the topic until the other person finishes. So generally we don't even bother anymore.
I like politics and the arts. He likes tech, AI and space exploration. His interests bore me to tears and vice versa. It wasn't a problem in the beginning because we were learning about the other person so had personal things to talk about, but now we've exhausted that. I realise that our lack of conversation is causing me to feel deeply unsatisfied and bored, even though I actually hate that phrase because I do believe that marriage is about giving rather than getting, and I think that marriage is about faithfulness and service to each other, not just happiness. But, I want our marriage to thrive and not just survive.

Is conversation important? If so, how can I revive that aspect of the relationship when we just don't enjoy talking about the same things? Or should I just accept that I'll have to satisfy my need for conversation with friends?

Please don't suggest I leave him. I really really meant my wedding vows when I said them. I'm looking for some good quality relationship advice.

Thank you!

First, develop some strong friendships with people who share your interests. Make sure your need for stimulating conversation about things you love is met in your life. It doesn't have to be by your DH.

Next, find some overlaps. He likes space, you like the arts. There must be some interesting SF novels or non-fic layman's books on the possibility of time travel, for example, that would interest you both.

Third, create some projects together that you are both happily and strongly committed to. Plan to travel or redecorate your home, or get a dog and train them. Create mutual projects. If you discuss your day, a bit of current affairs, your forthcoming project development - that's plenty to keep you connected intellectually if you are otherwise well suited.

I have to agree.

I could advise you to find common interests and external projects - travel, house renovation, charity or voluntary work, cinema, eating out, sports, pets, children etc, spend more time with friends whose interests you share. But the bottom line is I think you’ve made a mistake marrying someone you have nothing in common with. Shared interests are what sustains relationships. Without that, unless you have amazing sexual chemistry to keep you hooked, you’re a bit stuffed.

We take it in turns to listen to each others music one track at a time. We play chess ( as an antidote to too much screens). We cook together whilst we listen to podcasts. My DH likes very different ones to me but it's a good way to have a shared subject to chat about after.

This is bollocks IMO. DH and I have very few shared interests besides stuff like eating out, and we're very happy together and have been for 15 years.

I feel the same way OP and not sure what to do. I like DP for his qualities but we have so little in common. I thought we had more in the early days tbh but it becomes glaringly obvious as time goes by that we dont. I know he does not view this as a problem, but i do feel lonely.

I’ll cut to the chase it sounds like you don’t love him.
doesn’t matter how many things you do together it won’t help.
do not have kids with him!

The things is OP, you can't force yourself to be interested in something that you're not, and he can't either. You will spend the rest of your lives in frustration and boredom.

I appreciate that you don't want people to tell you to leave him, but at the same time, I think that even thinking that you might have actually chosen the wrong person to marry or be with long term, and accept that might be a possibility, is just not an option for you.

The only thing you can do is try your best to find a different interest which you both do share, or that crosses genres, such as an art exhibition inspired by the night sky.

So what do you talk about? Do you just not talk? What do you do together? Or do you have the same kind of non conversations as the OP where one partner waits for the other to finish so they can talk about what interests them?

OP has married a man who bores her - how do you propose they remain happy for 15 years?

I agree OP, mn isn’t always a great place to get relationship advice as “LTB” is such a common response. it lacks the nuance needed for actual, real life relationships.

hilariously, I often turn to chatGPT (don’t judge me 🙈) for relationship advice. I find it’s quite a useful resource.

although, for me, therapy is the gold standard when it come to relationship issues. I regularly explore these kind of issues with my therapist and it never fails to help.

So I typed your original question in chatGPT and this is the lengthy response:

Conversation is an important aspect of any relationship, including marriage, as it helps to maintain a connection and understanding between partners. While it's normal for couples to have different interests, finding a way to engage in meaningful conversation is crucial for the health of your relationship.

Here are some suggestions to help revive the conversational aspect of your marriage:

Find Common Ground: Explore activities or topics that you both enjoy, even if they are different from your individual interests. This could be a new hobby, a TV show, or even a sport that you both find interesting. Shared experiences can provide fresh topics for conversation.

Show Genuine Interest: Try to take an active interest in each other's passions. While you might not enjoy the topics as much as your partner does, asking questions and showing curiosity can lead to more engaging discussions. This effort demonstrates respect and love for each other.

Schedule Regular Check-ins: Set aside dedicated time to talk about your day, feelings, or any significant events. These check-ins can help you stay connected and ensure that both of you feel heard and valued.

Deepen the Conversation: Move beyond surface-level topics by discussing deeper subjects such as personal values, goals, dreams, or even philosophical questions. These conversations can be more fulfilling and help you understand each other on a deeper level.

Quality Over Quantity: Focus on the quality of your conversations rather than the quantity. Even short, meaningful exchanges can be more fulfilling than long conversations that don't feel engaging.

Engage in Joint Learning: Pick a new topic or area of interest that neither of you is familiar with and learn about it together. This could be a language, cooking, or a particular area of knowledge. Learning together can be a fun and bonding experience.

Be Present: When having conversations, ensure you are fully present and engaged. Avoid distractions like phones or TV to show that you value the time and communication with your partner.

Accept Differences: It's also important to accept that some of your conversational needs might be met through friends or other social interactions. Having interests and friends outside the marriage can enrich your life and bring new perspectives into your relationship.

Communicate Openly: Have an open discussion with your partner about your feelings and the importance of conversation to you. Expressing your needs and concerns can lead to mutual understanding and a willingness to make changes.Reviving the conversational aspect of your relationship requires effort from both partners, but it's a worthwhile investment for a thriving marriage. By finding ways to engage with each other meaningfully and showing genuine interest in each other's lives, you can strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling relationship.

My DH and I have quite different interests with a small amount of overlap. I think what helps for us is that the majority of the time we joke around and laugh or share stupid memes/videos with one another. A lot of our everyday chatter is about inane stuff that makes us laugh/connects us.

We will try and engage with one another if we bring up our special (non shared) interests but he's well aware I don't actually care about chess or bitcoin and I know he doesn't care about nature facts or politics, but listening to one another is a type of social grooming - neither of us talks at length about these things, I think we both know our tolerance is about 5 mins!

Whilst trying to find a shared hobby could be helpful, there's no guarantee that it will necessarily spark much conversation in itself.

I think shared values are much more important in a relationship than shared interests. It's fine to have topics that you only really talk to other people about, and focus your time with your DH on sharing positive experiences instead (even if it's only laughing at a stupid video online)

I don't think the issue is the content of the conversations, its the fact you are communicating in monologues by the sound of it. Why do you think you do that?

I would say try and find common interests together, maybe something new for the both of you.
Marriage is a life time, so lots of time to find new ways of being, and learning, together.
Who knows, maybe you'll both turn out to be lovers of gardening, or biographies, or historical societies, books or music....

Seems like you both lack imagination rather than common interests.

You’re interested in politics and arts, he’s interested in space and AI. Why can’t you talk about how AI is going to shape future politics and economics? How are AI deep fakes going to change the arts? What will political systems look like if we colonise mars? Should we be spending money on space exploration when we have starving kids on earth etc?

Common interests? Whatever....
Want to do things together, as well as apart? Happy to share anything together, whatever it is? Do you make each other smile, laugh? Decent social life together? Same life goals, values? Good sex life?
If you got those, doesn't matter if you have separate interests too.
Think about what you've got, not what you haven't.

Take up a shared activity or hobby.

Take turns picking an activity each week even.

Get a common interest that has interaction and you can share ideas. Maybe short walking breaks where you can plan, discuss beforehand and chat during.

Sometimes I feel the same way, 18 years later. I look at him & wonder how we ever got together.

But we have some small things in common. Conversation is never stifled, even though i sometimes think he's a grade A ignorant fool. We have on occasion lively debates/discussions. Could you start a hobby together? Or be work out buddies? Or learn a new skill or something together?

There are these fun card games you can buy, you can play with friends or partner... they prompt questions/Conversation. Can't recall exactly, I think it might be cards against humanity but there are other brands/options.

DH and I have some common interests and some that are very different. Three of my friends are divorcing having had kids and they are all no in their mid fifties. Whilst no one can see a future for you with someone who is a good match if you aren’t compatible now you need to make a huge effort to find that connection. If you can’t you face the kind of relationship where you see couples out to dinner together who have nothing to talk about. Do you ever have a laugh together I mean that is nothing do with arts or space stuff especially, that’s very important.

Get some hobbies, find something you’re both interested in

If your DH is into the sci-fi side of space, you may find common ground in TV and films. A lot of Sci-fi is actually very political and deals with the big issues of survival, colonialism, political-economy, slavery, war, international relations, climate disaster, corrupt government - it’s just happening on another planet.

There are lots of immersive art exhibitions around at the moment where you walk through digital rooms and the pictures come alive. I think there’s a Hockney one at the moment. This would mix art and technology.

I’m very much in the same boat. My wife and I have no shared interests at all. It can literally take an hour to try find something to watch and then one of us just gives up and goes to bed. I’m into sports, exercise, fitness and various other things and she’s into none of them (and I’m not into her interests, it’s a 2 way street). Due to circumstances our ability to go out together is next to nil, lucky if it’s once a year. We managed it a couple of months ago and it was awkward, like we didn’t know what to talk about. We don’t chit chat at home. It’s really draining in many ways and it fills me with dread that this is the direction of our lives.