DH and I have no common interests

[Fiddlesticks9]

I'm just looking for advice. DH and I have been married 5 years. I think we chose each other because we admired the other person's qualities - e.g. I appreciate his humility and consideration for others. However, we really have nothing to talk about. When we do try and talk, it's just one of us telling the other about something, and the other person has nothing to contribute. So it's not a conversation, just one person waiting patiently and tolerating the topic until the other person finishes. So generally we don't even bother anymore.
I like politics and the arts. He likes tech, AI and space exploration. His interests bore me to tears and vice versa. It wasn't a problem in the beginning because we were learning about the other person so had personal things to talk about, but now we've exhausted that. I realise that our lack of conversation is causing me to feel deeply unsatisfied and bored, even though I actually hate that phrase because I do believe that marriage is about giving rather than getting, and I think that marriage is about faithfulness and service to each other, not just happiness. But, I want our marriage to thrive and not just survive.

Is conversation important? If so, how can I revive that aspect of the relationship when we just don't enjoy talking about the same things? Or should I just accept that I'll have to satisfy my need for conversation with friends?

Please don't suggest I leave him. I really really meant my wedding vows when I said them. I'm looking for some good quality relationship advice.

Thank you!

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts, everyone. I'm slowly reading my way through all the replies xx

Couples are usually strong due to shared values, not interests, however dry or no conversation is obviously not great, otherwise how do you spend your time together?

DH and I have very little in common. I’m into arts, literature and music. He’s politics, economics and outdoors and sports. We don’t really like the same films or TV shows, but can find some overlap with effort. However we don’t run out of things to talk about – we talk about all sorts. I do make an effort of talk about and understand his passions and he mine, so maybe that helps.

Sorry but I think it's totally unrealistic to expect a marriage to survive, thrive and be enjoyable based only on mutual moral admiration and an idea of service. Quite aside from physical attraction (which, interestingly, you don't mention at all), I can't fathom the idea of marrying (or staying married to) someone with whom you have nothing in common and whose company you don't seem to enjoy. It's not necessarily about 'deep' conversations. It's about shared interests and experiences and enjoying life together.

What nonsense. You were a couple before children and you'll be a couple when children leave. Children in your house is intense but it is temporary. They grow up, they become independent. Your children shouldn't be the main, "best" thing that connects you.

In my experience this is the thing that you have to work at in a marriage. Every time I think my marriage is in trouble it's because we've stopped talking about common interests or stopped doing things together. So we have to make the effort. For example, my DH and I both like a particular sport, so that's something that we have in common. We watch it together and as we favour different teams, our conversations can get quite competitive. I love the fact that we share this.
We talk about what improvements we are going to make to the house, where we will go on holiday next, what we want to eat next week and what our kids are doing. Then there's gossip about people we know, etc etc etc, and before we know it, we are a couple again.

You see I just don't understand this sort of relationship it's so far from mine and my DH!

I'm the decision maker in our relationship and my husband doesn't "do" noodling conversation about things. So if I said "I think we should go to Mallorca on holiday next year, what do you think?" He would just say "sounds good" and that would be the end of it. Likewise home improvements. And he doesn't do idle gossip either so we wouldn't talk about people we know particularly other than the odd comment.

I agree with pp.

Realtionships are based on values not interest.

This gives you similar things to talk about.

We grew up and got married when we had a common set of values and interests. 30 years later, our interests have grown apart, along with some of our values. We recognized this and consciously choose something new we can spend time doing together that we'll both enjoy. It's been good for us.

How long were you together before you got married? Do you have it do you want kids?

I think there's three things.
DS share interests but still spend a lot of time discussing each others day because we care about each other. I'm interested in the stuff that happened in his day because it's about him. Do you do this? Are you interested in the things that are about him? How much do you do the how was your day darling, and really listen?

Find a common interest. Music? Books? DH used to go to gigs together. Movies. Wed tell reach other about our books. Now we have kids it's much less interesting chat but it is a common subject at least. Holidays. Weekend away. Day trips.

Does he feel the same? Can you have a conversation about your lack of conversation? Can you come up with a plan together? Some thing interesting to tell the other person and you have to actively listen and show interest. Not mentally working through your chores. Actual listening.

How's your sex life? Do you feel connected physically?

Do you both have friend groups that you see? When dh and I visit friends we end up with tons to talk about.
Could read a newspaper or magazine regularly and talk about some of the content?
Is there time when the TV is off?
Is there a Christmas party or dinner coming up that you're both attending?
Could go on a guided walk together where there's other people. There'd be plenty to chat about from meeting new people.
Good luck!

@wherethewildtbingsgo interesting difference between you and I. DH and I would never say 'I think we should go to Mallorca...' . We would say 'where do you fancy going on holiday, Mallorca sounds nice, what do you think?'. Then we'd talk about the pros and cons of Mallorca, and other places and decide between us where we'd go.
I used to be married to someone else, and he had no opinion on anything, and now we're not married anymore!

Could you enjoy going together to the theatre, national trust or walking, plenty to share talking about and something to plan together. I found the same as you when the children were younger, force of circumstance when your time is eaten into with running a family. But it is possible to find joint activities when you have more time. It is also important to have your own interests. We have a cat and she is a shared interest

Firstly, my God I feel for you - I know what it's like to listen to a man constantly bang on about tech, AI and space exploration, and it can be like listening to a five-year-old boy bang on about dinosaurs, can't it?

Although in my case it's not a husband or partner who does this, I'll share what little coping tips I have...

1. Ask him what caught his eye about [whatever new thing he's banging on about]. Like, what makes him tick here? Warning: this will either work well, or it will make him worse and get him evangelising with greater zeal.

1. Ask him to scale it right back in layman's terms, as PPs have wisely suggested, ask a "silly question" about how it applies to the everyday. This might jolt him out of his tech-worshipping trance and remind him there's a human being in front of him. It might also make the topic tolerably interesting for the moment.

1. Distraction - I don't mean ostentatiously changing the subject, but moving it cunningly in a sideways direction.

Basically, anything you'd do with a 5-year-old dinosaur bore. And if you don't have one of those yet, wait till you do and you'll find you have far less time to converse with your husband anyway!

And I also agree with the suggestions to do new things either together or apart. And not to feel you need to meet all of each other's conversational needs... As long as you have the consideration not to bore on at each other. Is the attraction still there; do you still fancy each other? And feel you have each other's backs, each other's best interests at heart? Those are more important things.

I also agree with you that it's a shame that the Relationships board is so skewed towards LTB, but I think it's so rare that someone posts about a solveable problem with a decent man, that MN just cannot compute! Usually people only post about awful men who they should have left long ago, not decent marriages that just need a bit of fine-tuning. It reminds me of the idea of positive psychology, i.e. that instead of just trying to fix problems, we should also be using insights from psychology to make the OK great. It would be nice if the Relationships board had a sprinkling of this kind of thread among the endless gloom and (usually well-deserved) cynicism.

Put an evening aside to talk about things you've never tried. Make a list of things neither of you has tried and start doing them.

There's so many different activities, interests, etc I'm sure there must be something out there you will both enjoy.

Do you do activities together? For e.g. cooking a meal, going to fitness classes, holidays, watching films? A lot of conversation revolves around activities you are currently doing so maybe vary your activities with your partner and see if that generates new conversation topics.

If you are stuck in a routine there might just be nothing new to talk about.

Feiends of mine joined a hiking club. Now they talk about which hike to take and gossip about the other hikers.

I understand a bit of how you feel. I have been with my dh over 30 years and have recently begun to think we have few interests in common. We started off very connected but he has drifted one way and me the other as we have aged. He definitely has interests I know nothing about, and plays a sport I am not interested in playing. My interests are still reasonably accessible to him but only to talk about, he has no interest in participating in them. It does stifle conversation sometimes, but we do also still have things in common which drew us to each other in the first place, and we also have our children (now grown up). Children bind you together for life, whether you want it or not! Also, I've come to the conclusion it is healthy to have separate interests and spend time apart as long as it does not become your entire existence.

I definitely think you must be overlooking things you do have in common, even if they don't feel like your main interests. What did you do when you were dating? Cinema? Pub? Nightclub? Fine dining? Walk in the park? Zip wiring? There must have been something you did together that you enjoyed. You need to foster that sort of thing to gain some more common experiences, or do as others have suggested and start something entirely new together.

It's a shame more don't have that growth mindset particularly men. I don't often see many men trying to improve their relationship or themselves for their partner. Unless it's already past the point of no return and the partner wants a divorce.So definitely MN is skewed with numerous posts of relationships that should end. It shouldn't always fall on womens shoulders to fix everything. Most men could do with valuing their relationships/partner far more.

Sounds like you don't want his opinions, on an echo chamber to support yours. Or he has none. And there's nothing more boring than a person without opinions.

I completely agree, @MightyGoldBear .

I think that is very beautiful and perceptive. Ones partner should be the prrsom you are happiest to just be around, even if quiet and doing nothing specific. Being single, what I miss is someone to do nothing with.

Maybe I have a mucky mind but do you fancy him OP? Do you have a goid connection in bed? And I don't just mean the act itself but in thr chats afterwards. That's pretty fundamental to me - and good sparky conversation and banter is part of it. I would worry less about the having loads of interests in common than I would about having almost a sense of distance between ye in terms of emotional connection.

Hmmm, my husband and I don't have many shared interests, but we do take an interest in each other's stuff. I have zero interest in the game building stuff he does, but I love him and I love hearing him be passionate and excited about something, so I listen when he tells me about it and ask questions, and am learning about it. Despite my lack of initial interest, I've learned a lot and actually found it quite engaging - but mostly I just enjoy his happiness.

Likewise he has zero interest in horses, but every year he watches Badminton with me and lets me bang on about it. He asks questions and does his best to learn about things, for the same reasons I do for him. He pored over all my old 80's horse annuals when we got together to try and learn the ropes. If we split up tomorrow I doubt he'd ever think about a horse again, but he throws himself into it because it's something I love, and he likes to share that with me.

If you can't find that love of just sharing in a passion with him, even if it's something you don't have any passion for yourself, I'd echo pp that you need to find something to do together that you can be passionate about! For my husband and I we discovered a shared joy in tabletop games and board games. Playing a game together, getting tipsy and putting the world to rights is great fun. You just need to find your thing.

l really don't think it matters as long as your core values align. Enjoy your own hobbies and pursuits but share intimacy, cooking, meals out, shopping, TV, decorating, walks, family etc. If you really want something to focus on together a pet can give you both a common love and interest to share.

I suppose it comes down to personality. I have a general thirst for knowledge, so like in depth conversations. But you seem closed off to each others interests. Science and space travel can be every bit as interesting as the arts if you give it a chance, but then he should give your interests a chance too. That neither of you do, makes it look like you are perhaps both being a tad inflexible.
Space flight, the mechanics of it - possibly dull, I can see that. Middle ground would be cosmology, stargazing, space and time, our place in the universe - overlapps with philosophy and the arts in an existentialist way ( he might well dig that too).
Or, find something in common but different- health, food, exercise, whatever (all life essentials that we all do so should have some interest in).