DH and I have no common interests

[Fiddlesticks9]

I'm just looking for advice. DH and I have been married 5 years. I think we chose each other because we admired the other person's qualities - e.g. I appreciate his humility and consideration for others. However, we really have nothing to talk about. When we do try and talk, it's just one of us telling the other about something, and the other person has nothing to contribute. So it's not a conversation, just one person waiting patiently and tolerating the topic until the other person finishes. So generally we don't even bother anymore.
I like politics and the arts. He likes tech, AI and space exploration. His interests bore me to tears and vice versa. It wasn't a problem in the beginning because we were learning about the other person so had personal things to talk about, but now we've exhausted that. I realise that our lack of conversation is causing me to feel deeply unsatisfied and bored, even though I actually hate that phrase because I do believe that marriage is about giving rather than getting, and I think that marriage is about faithfulness and service to each other, not just happiness. But, I want our marriage to thrive and not just survive.

Is conversation important? If so, how can I revive that aspect of the relationship when we just don't enjoy talking about the same things? Or should I just accept that I'll have to satisfy my need for conversation with friends?

Please don't suggest I leave him. I really really meant my wedding vows when I said them. I'm looking for some good quality relationship advice.

Thank you!

I’m coming here with no advice - it’s just that I feel exactly the same. Although after 20 years I’m afraid I AM having thoughts of leaving, it becomes really lonely when you can’t talk to the person you spend most time with and I think my MH has really suffered as a result.

I think it’s heart breaking that you’re going to spend the rest of your life (unless he leaves you, which he could do) with a man you have no common interest with, all because you signed a piece of paper. We grow and change.

My sh and l have similar interests. Except we are both interested in politics.

We chat crap. Work, what the weather presenter is wearing, how many birds are in the birdbath. We don’t have intense conversations about either of our interests. I don’t like long intense conversations. Kids occupy a lot of our conversations.

I'm starting to think MN is actually not a good place for relationship advice. The only recommendations I ever see on these threads are to "LTB". I really came here for some advice to give me hope and something concrete I can do to help improve things, not just the easy way out. Surely, with good will on both sides, there has to be a solution other than leaving each other?

You must have got married for a reason? There must have been a connection? Other than his qualities of humility etc. What did you talk about then?
Either you both find new, common interests or you both take time to learn about at least some of each others interests.
The areas which you can't share you do elsewhere. There's nothing wrong with having some separate interests.
Marriage is hard work. And there has to be compromise. I have friends that I don't share interests with. I still take time to be interested though.

Doing something totally new together is a good way to start maybe?

Thanks, that's interesting. I do quite like long, intense conversations, but I usually have these with friends and other relatives. Maybe that's ok.

I wonder if you can try to learn about each other's interests. Is there no scope? DH and I have very different interests, but we have learn to love each other's interests too. Dragging him to the ballet shortly.

I don't know much about football, but I have learn because my DS loves it, and now I quite enjoy watching it on and off, or even talking about it.

I am not a tech person- I love the arts- but there are areas of tech that are fascinating. Can you not explore those? And viceversa?

Finding a new, common interest is a good idea actually

Do you have nights out together OP? If so, what do you talk about then? If not what do you do for a social life?

I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and we are polar opposites - this works because I appreciate his input on things, we always see things from different perspectives. I don’t enjoy his tv shows or film choices so we rarely watch things together but when we do we meet half way. I appreciate you don’t enjoy your husbands topics of conversation but try to see it as an opportunity to learn something different. What’s wrong with pleasing each other? If you both look bored and try to get off the topic as soon as possible obviously it won’t work, but if you love each other so much surely you want to make each other happy. That means listening to stories and smiling to yourself because it brings you joy to see him so enthusiastic.
Another poster suggested trying to find new interests neither of you have ever tried before and that’s a really good idea. If he loves Chinese and you love indian, try Thai. Hope that helps.

95% of the time DH and I chat about dull daily life things - organising the kids, planning family travel etc. big deep conversations are infrequent (but good when they happen).

Do you and your DH do things together that will develop common interests? Movie, theatre, travel etc. if you experience something together then you can talk about that.

And can you make an effort to learn a bit about his interests? Ask him to explain a tech issue in simple terms. Obviously some tech things are v dull but some actually have broad relevance to how modern life works (eg - is facebook spying on me and how bad is it?) and you might find some things interesting.

I would suggest you look for new interests you can do together.

Do you enjoy exercise/sport? Could you take up something like that together maybe?

How about walking/geocaching? You can do it in the countryside but can also do adventure lab caches in cities, make a day out of it.

Learn a language together/go to pottery classes? Loads of options you could explore until you find something that appeals to you both.

Why don't you book some couples counselling? I think that's probably the best advice.

Another tip I have is to get a joint hobby. My DH and I don't have things in common particularly but we have recently started a joint hobby once a week for an hour which gives us something in common. Also try watching the same thing on TV or even reading the same book if you both like reading.

The oldest adage with this sort of thing is to remember the reasons you were together in the first place. I know you say it was because you admired qualities about each other...that's actually an excellent reason to be with someone. It means you're more likely to have similar outlooks on life and ways of looking at the world. Don't dismiss it. Also remember it's very normal to have to work at a relationship and for five years after you're married for the honeymoon period to have worn off.

I know how you feel though. Me and DH are similar. We have wildly different hobbies and I hate it when he talks about his because it's so dull to me. But that's ok. I don't expect to have the same hobbies as everyone I know.

Apologies for that typo filled post. I am in recovery from surgery and just killing time.

Yes, what about a new interest? Like learning how to play a new sport or learn a new language or dance?

Try something together? Could be as simple as watching Netflix - find something you both find entertaining. It doesn’t need to be intellectually stimulating or your favourite thing, it just needs to be enjoyable for both of you.
You could try : Nature documentaries, sci fi, superhero stuff, horror movies, the trashiest reality tv you can fin, anime, true crime, medical dramas….
It doesn’t matter what the genre is, it’s just something that can become your thing together.
You can do similar with food or outings/exercise.
So if you both quite like a hike up a hill or a walk in the woods or a wander down a canal path, you can do that together regularly and plan what you want to do next.
You could try out a new recipe every week or get take away from a different place every week.
You could try playing board games together or trying out all the pubs in your city (slowly, for the atmosphere rather than to get drunk).
You might enjoy planning your holidays together as much as you enjoy actually going on the holidays.
That is not a definitive list of anything btw, just some suggestions. It really doesn’t matter one bit what the activities and topics are, just that you find some things to share together.
You don’t need to share all your interests but you do need to find some things that you enjoy doing together and planning to do together. And then you can stop boring each other to tears talking about AI and politics.

Surely there's a lot more to talk about than just your respective interests?

We don't really talk about our interests to each other much. I'd be bored to tears if I had to listen about sport.

We talk about DD, current affairs, politics, history, religion, philosophy, our jobs, our families, friends, past memories, just anything and everything!

I sympathise as it can be very difficult... and I've been married over 35 years. We actually met through a joint volunteering activity and that was a great interest for many years (although we sometimes disagreed on how we did things!). There are certain subjects we just don't discuss together as we have very different views ... ie: politics. In fact I sometimes think if we met now we wouldn't even pursue a relationship - we are such different people
But we have a lot of shared history and that counts for a lot.
I think you have to respect each other's differences, try to find one or two new joint interests and actively seek other friendships for your 'intense' conversations.
I know not everyone would agree with me but I've never thought of my DH as my 'best friend' .. obviously we have a deep affection for each other but we both have a wide circle of friends which fulfil our need for different interests/discussions/hobbies etc.

I also feel as shallow as a tea tray now because I also don’t really like long deep meaningful conversations.

dp and i Chat a lot. Not about “interests” as such. About our day, friends, food (a lot!), something we’ve read or heard, current affairs (a bit), family, plans for the week, the weather, work problem, just shit.

When I was doing online dating the ability to chat was a key criteria for me. And after 10 years we still chat constantly.

I think you are looking for one person to be your everything to you op and I think that’s a dangerous path to go down.

Children are the biggest (and best) shared interest in a marriage.

Aside from that, to qualify my advice DH and I are 20y very happily married, 27y together, four children and 3 dogs into our marriage..

Take an interest in stuff that doesn't interest you, but interests your spouse.

Talk about new stuff, not yourselves. Discuss a storyline in a TV program, what would you do in this situation? talk about current affairs, consider views on contentious subjects, philosophy.

But also, lower your expectations on deep conversations. Either you'll have children in the future and parenting will zap your time for frequent big/deep conversations. Or you'll need to develop robust independent interests, to stop relying on each other to fill your time.

I’ve been with my DH 12 years (no kids yet) . We have a lot of separate interests, I like arts, theatre, wine, singing. He loves all sports! But we have enough shared interests we have found together like outdoors, eating out, house renovations, holidays. And we both make the effort to participate in each others interests, like I’ll ask him to find a play he wants to see or I’ll go to football with him. Perhaps you need to find some shared interests and hobbies and appreciate your differences. And I think it’s more important that you love his qualities.

How can you say you don't have a common ground when you are interested in politics and the arts and he likes tech and AI? Those are huge linked topics. What if you discussed AI and novel writing- would you find his views boring? Does he bore you even if you're talking about everyday things?

And by the way, women are encouraged here to live their best lives. When they are told to divorce it's usually because of abuse. Do you think that they should stay with their abuser?

I think the problem is... Yes, we could learn a bit about each others interests, but the conversation wouldn't be stimulating at all, because of the imbalance of knowledge and enthusiasm. And stimulating conversation is how I feel connected to a person.

Please don’t breed just so you have something to talk about.

I echo pp - my DH and I rarely talk out about respective interests perse (I am not massively into heavy metal or German expressionism for example!)...Just more life in general, world affairs, family and friends, books we've read, films we've watched, our DD, plans for the future, mundane chit chat, work, our shared history, our own childhoods (both having some individual therapy currently) etc. I think maybe some couple counseling may be beneficial to work it through...