DH and I have no common interests

[Fiddlesticks9]

I'm just looking for advice. DH and I have been married 5 years. I think we chose each other because we admired the other person's qualities - e.g. I appreciate his humility and consideration for others. However, we really have nothing to talk about. When we do try and talk, it's just one of us telling the other about something, and the other person has nothing to contribute. So it's not a conversation, just one person waiting patiently and tolerating the topic until the other person finishes. So generally we don't even bother anymore.
I like politics and the arts. He likes tech, AI and space exploration. His interests bore me to tears and vice versa. It wasn't a problem in the beginning because we were learning about the other person so had personal things to talk about, but now we've exhausted that. I realise that our lack of conversation is causing me to feel deeply unsatisfied and bored, even though I actually hate that phrase because I do believe that marriage is about giving rather than getting, and I think that marriage is about faithfulness and service to each other, not just happiness. But, I want our marriage to thrive and not just survive.

Is conversation important? If so, how can I revive that aspect of the relationship when we just don't enjoy talking about the same things? Or should I just accept that I'll have to satisfy my need for conversation with friends?

Please don't suggest I leave him. I really really meant my wedding vows when I said them. I'm looking for some good quality relationship advice.

Thank you!

I do think that you get different things from different people/friends in our lives.

Do you like to travel? Have pets? Go to museums? Do you like sport?
City breaks or country rambles?

Maybe alternate weeks and pick an outing (I hate the phrase date night but it is what I mean here) and see if anything comes from it that you share
I think you could cultivate common interests/topics of conversation.

It's worth a shot...

It doesn't sound like you're very compatible or companions really- do you have things that you like doing together?

Actually to the person who said art and tech link, this is absolutely true.

I was a Textile teacher ( A level-lots of STEM) and Dh works for a medical supplier, which sometimes uses textiles. We have lots of conversations about cutting edge smart materials in textiles, and what he could use. He uses my ideas as no one in his company has a scientific textiles background!

How would you feel talking to a professor in a subject you are interested in?

Personally, I love learning. Talking to someone with more knowledge than me is the best kind of conversation. I'm interested in why you actively dislike talking about a subject with someone more knowledgeable than you?

This. Jesus.

I like politics and the arts. He likes tech, AI and space exploration.

But all of these things are so interlinked! How tech and AI enhance or harm artistic endeavours is a huge topic right now. The political response to the rise of AI, also massively important.

DP and I share some interests, though not always to the same extent, and definitely not all interests. But I think a key is that we're interested in how each other's brains work. I'm not especially interested in arcane mathematical theories but I am interested in how someone who thinks mathematically applies that to the arts, for instance.

I also don't think an "imbalanced" conversation is a bad thing, unless it's only ever imbalanced from one side. One of the good things about a relationship is the opportunity to learn a bit about something you didn't think you were interested in. There's almost always a way "in" because so many things are interlinked anyway.

I'm back to why did you marry someone you didn't have that with if that's a primary need for you?

As per PP, DH don't have many shared interests. We do have some stimulating conversations about many subject, none particularly shared, but often learning something together and then brining our individual knowledge to that.

But I think some counselling many be beneficial for you if you want to continue in the marriage, maybe to help you learn other ways to feel that connection.

We have nothing in common.

We talk all the time tho. It does help us understand each other and we're together 24/7.

I now know more about music than I think I do & I was really surprised when DH came out with info about my interests.

But it's great to have a good chat habit as when there are difficult conversations, then we can still communicate.

Particularly as I talk too much & he goes quiet under stress.

Are you more bored, either with him or more generally?

We are complete opposites and have nothing in common and it isn't helped by me being naturally very quiet.

We talk about his work, his workmates, my family, what friends have been up to, his interests which are broader than mine, stuff on tv, radio or social media, DIY which we do a lot of, where we are going to walk, his retirement, anything that amuses or annoys either of us.

You're interested in politics and presumably the news? And AI bored you to tears? Is he bored by politics and the arts? Is it possible that you both need to think about how you communicate, rather than what you're communicating about?

I think cultivating a new shared interest is a good plan.

Regarding your current interests, there may be ways of building knowledge which can help. So if you're into art and politics and he's into tech and AI, then dive into the use of AI in art or the ethics (and political and societal impact) of its exploitation. You don't need to know everything to have an interesting conversation about it.

I’m not necessarily recommending having children however that is something you can instantly have in common!

I’d say 80% of our conversations are relating somehow or other to the kids. I do wonder what we’ll talk about when they’ve left home :-)

Any intimacy in your marriage? I dint mean sex. I mean sharing your deepest thoughts, your fears, your hopes. Planning the future, a holiday, whatever else you might want to build together.

i have little to share anymore with dh (very different reason) but we still have projects and a vision of what we want for the future holding us together iyswim

Btw I agree about making the effort to be interested in his interests (and expect him to be interested in yours!).

Plus you can find overlap too eg in the way AI is ‘infiltrating’ the arts.

What do you do together? Do you like the same activities, holidays, tv shows, music?

What does he feel? The same? What is he doing about it?

You choose to marry each other so you must have some connection? You say you admired his humility and consideration for others but there must be more than that for you to have considered marriage. What else was it that drew you to him, and him to you? What did you imagine your longer term life being like?
Having different interests is completely fine, the important thing is that you both respect each other's interests, don't dismiss each other's interest as being boring or insignificant. That doesn't mean you need to share it all in-depth. You can have political debates with friends, he can go into the depths of AI with friends.
In balance, you need to find ways to feel connected to each other. You say in a comment above that you feel connected to people by having stimulated conversation, which suggests you aren't getting that from your husband about any other topic? Don't you discuss plans and dreams for your life together? Career goals? Family plans? Money? Health, fitness? Do you come home from work and chat about your day? Plan what you want to do at the weekend? Where you want to go on holiday?
A shared interest is good if you can find one you both enjoy, but remember it's not the particular interest that is the important factor, it's that you are both willing to invest time and attention to the other person, that you want to be together.
Stimulated conversation is great, but perhaps what is needed is engaged conversation, that you are both fully in. That doesn't need to be a debate or in-depth interest, it can just be small things that you are both making the effort to pay attention to because you love each other.
Aside from stimulated conversation, there are also other ways to feel connected to someone. Hugging, kissing, sex, holding hands, watching TV together, cooking together or cooking for each other, getting treats for each other that you know they will love, making a coffee or tea for the other, going for a walk together, making the effort to love each other's family, etc. The little things build up into connection and love.

Can you find a shared interest? Find a new hobby together which you can both enjoy? Anything from jigsaws, hillwalking or starting a dance class.. start off with something small and see where it takes you. My husband bought me the ‘adventure book’ a couple of years ago and it has been a lot of fun to connect in new ways. We have been married for 5 years but our interests are not very similar so have found other things which we both enjoy

Can you find something that you can share and do together? Even just a small thing.

A practical activity helps structure the time and gives you something to talk about.

I can't really offer great advice because I'm in much the same position. I have nothing whatsoever in common with my DP. We've been together for 15 years. We don't have the same interests, don't remotely like the same music, don't watch the same films. I often feel a bit sad about it. He doesn't feel the same way, is happy scrolling FB and watching gardening programmes. Like you I enjoy in-depth conversations and also just get that from friends, because it's never going to happen with him. You don't have to get all your needs met by one person, in fact I don't think it's healthy if you do. However what's helped a bit is (after almost having to push him out the door to do it) he joined a local interest group where he can talk old cars/town history/fixing lawnmowers/whatever the group's about. We also started volunteering together at a local charity, plus found a hobby that we kind of both enjoy, so we now have a couple of things to chat about.

I agree

Can you start some kind of joint hobby together?

Some cheesy games can actually open up paths of communication about subjects I e murder mystery cases you might both have very different skillets and interests but combined gets you talking and explaining with interest because it's joint effort.

What about chats for the future ? Like where you guys see yourself where you'd both like to travel achieve.

If your ideal relationship is long deep connecting conversations you absolutely can have that it does exist. Among other things as well but I put a boundary in my marriage that if he didn't want to put the effort and energy into having these conversations then we should divorce because we aren't suited. Turns out he loves it. He didn't have the language and capacity before but after some counselling and dedicated effort it's enriched his and my life no end. Now we can happily discuss anything on earth to a real deep profound level. If there is something we don't know we learn about it together.
I find If he is willing to put the effort into my subjects and genuinely find things that interest him it's effortless to do the same for him.
Having a shared outlook not necessarily topics have been essential for us.

It sounds a bit like you want to have deep conversations about your interests and not his, so perhaps some more flexibility is required from you to find fulfilment in the relationship. Do you have friends with similar interests that could meet that need?

Most people don't have exactly the same interests as their partners. I go to watch country music with friends as dp would hate that. His interests in AI bore me to tears as much as you find. But we enjoy walks together, eating out (rarely these days!), scifi, holidays and plenty of other things. Doesn't need to get that deep and meaningful really. Have you considered something like a science museum trip, holiday to somewhere that has science and arts stuff, or other things where you cam both enjoy and discuss after?

I don't have many shared interests with DH, we like different things. I'm a creative person, like reading fiction, drawing and crafting, baking, writing - I always want to be indoors. DH is way more into science and tech, likes gardening, likes to be outdoors. Very different! But we still have a great relationship so I suspect there's probably more missing from yours than just a lack of common interests.

I have friends and colleagues who I probably talk to a lot more about my interests than I do with DH. But reading this thread has made me realise that while he might not always be my favourite conversational partner, he is my absolute favourite person in the world to be quiet with.