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Original poster

Fuck! Paternity issue(?) but 14 years on

89 replies

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 21:33

long term mumsnetter but name change for this.

This isn’t great so please don’t just comment to judge.

My DD is 14, had her at 19. I was in a relationship with a lad for 2 years just before, we separated and I was ‘with’ her dad a few months before finding out I was pregnant. Not a planned pregnancy so dates were off a bit but at the time her dad was her dad. Me and her dad stayed together for a couple of years and then separated few years ago, she has some contact with him, sees him every few weeks etc.

Last year me and the lad from before got back in contact and have started a relationship. He has a 6 yr old DD.

A few nights ago we got to talking over a bottle of wine and he mentioned how quickly I got pregnant after we split up years ago. I said it was a good few months but then he me reminded it wasn’t that long and of a night we spent together, I had completely forgotten so he text his friend who agreed that night happened. This puts my DD’s conception dates very very close and tbh I’m terrified! He has showed me pics of his DD and she looks very very similar to my DD at that age!

I was showing his mum some photos of my daughter when she was a baby etc and straight away she said ‘blimey she looks just like ‘DP’ when he was born 😳

What so I do?! No one has mentioned DNA and tbh Iv avoiding the topic currently but it’s stuck in my mind that my DD’s dad might not actually be and that’s completely awful, I feel terrible for everyone.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 09/12/2023 22:26

Oh hell, that’s a difficult one. In your position I’d look into DNA tests but I’ve no idea how you’d get a sample from your dd without her knowing why. And if her dad is her biological father there’s no point in upsetting her needlessly.

Daffodil18 · 09/12/2023 22:30

I really wouldn’t wait to do a DNA test any longer with this knowledge. You can do a saliva sample and I would make something up to DD what this is about. You could just say it’s for genetic testing as you might upset her needlessly. But the longer you leave it then the harder it will be for her.

swuahies · 09/12/2023 22:33

Daffodil18 · 09/12/2023 22:30

I really wouldn’t wait to do a DNA test any longer with this knowledge. You can do a saliva sample and I would make something up to DD what this is about. You could just say it’s for genetic testing as you might upset her needlessly. But the longer you leave it then the harder it will be for her.

Agree. Can you get her to do a "Covid test"

Or maybe get a dna test based on a strand of hair?

OhpoorMe · 09/12/2023 22:36

You found out you were pregnant and somehow completely forgot there had been another man at the time?

Did you actually just bury your head in the sand because you were in a realtionship?

Pinkflamingopants · 09/12/2023 22:39

You really forgot that you’d slept with another man at the time your DD was conceived?!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/12/2023 22:41

I get how dates can blur. It's a genuine mistake, and it may not be true anyway. If you're stressed about it then you could do the dna to find out, but you don't have to do it immediately.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 22:46

Please don't dna test your 14 year old without her knowledge. Would people really lie about what a sample was for? That's awful

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 22:47

The interrogation was inevitable 🙄🙄. You were young, life happens.

Given her 'Dad' isn't exactly falling all over himself to be a Dad, do you think DD would be upset to find out he's not her Dad? It doesn't sound like it to me.

you know your DD, we don't. You need to make the call whether you tell her & ask for a DNA swab from her, or whether you pull the hair out of her hairbrush.

As your 'previous lad/new bloke' brought it up & his Mum made comments, just tell him that you want to do a DNA test. I don't see the issue.

just be careful not to push the new relationship ahead too fast if he is. You need to take both relationships slowly not just meld as a family. You may decide he's not for you and DD& him need a separate relationship.

best wishes.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 22:48

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 22:46

Please don't dna test your 14 year old without her knowledge. Would people really lie about what a sample was for? That's awful

No I wouldn't lie, but I would strip her hairbrush if I didn't want her to know yet. Depends on the child.

HiCandles · 09/12/2023 22:50

Depends on her but if her dad isn't very involved, might she be fine with this new possibility? It's all a bit Mamma Mia, perhaps she wouldn't take it that badly.

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:50

Your daughter deserves to know the truth about who she is and where she comes from. She also deserves to know relevant family medical history etc.

chopc · 09/12/2023 22:56

You need to sit down and think calmly. If you were with her dad for a few months before finding out you were pregnant then it is unlikely the ex is the dad isn't it?
Even if unplanned the thought would have gone through your mind that there is a question of paternity.

I think her dad is her dad and you are now confused as you can't remember the dates

But if you are really in doubt, a DNA test is the only answer

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:00

@Pinkpinkpink15

No I wouldn't lie, but I would strip her hairbrush if I didn't want her to know yet. Depends on the child.

Fair enough. But those saying pretend it's for genetic testing or a Covid test, can you imagine the utter betrayal the DD will feel if it turns out her dad is not her dad, and her much sneakily tricked her rather then being honest?

Awful thing to consider

Dauntedbydating · 09/12/2023 23:03

What good can come of knowing?
Her father accepts her as his daughter
She accepts him as her father

Why throw a spanner in the works?
You will all be damaged by it

Falalalalaa · 09/12/2023 23:04

Dauntedbydating · 09/12/2023 23:03

What good can come of knowing?
Her father accepts her as his daughter
She accepts him as her father

Why throw a spanner in the works?
You will all be damaged by it

Because these things have a way of coming out.

What if DD signs up to one of those Ancestry websites in the future? She deserves the truth.

Messyhair321 · 09/12/2023 23:08

Wait. You forgot you slept with someone else at this point?; How??

nameychangio675 · 09/12/2023 23:11

How have you only just realised this? Doesn’t make any sense.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 23:11

Whoops! I forgot that one-off shag I had with my ex during seeing my bf - for a few months 😂.

VegeBurgers · 09/12/2023 23:15

They always have offers on Christmas for money off DNA ancestry kits. Soon everyone will be testing.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2023 23:38

Finding out you were pregnant must have been very stressful at the time. How on earth could you not work out that there were two possible fathers?

Original poster
Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 23:38

Thank you all for the responses.

its probably nothing to worry about, as I said before. At the time I didn’t have a doubt, I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time when I found out but because I was young, on the pill (although likely not taking it correctly at the time due to getting pregnant) I didn’t accurately know the date of my last period etc and then she arrived ‘2 weeks early’ by my due date but was actual an overdue baby (so I remember the doctors saying at the time). It was quite close I always knew that but didn’t honestly think about it too much at the time as I was young (so foolish) and in a totally different situation now that I shudder at all of this!

I could possibly try and get a DNA test but would also have to mention this to my current partner and I’m not sure even how they would go down (partly because that’s a huge shock to too possibly suddenly realise you are a dad and have been for years!) let alone my poor DD 😫☹️

OP posts:
Katbum · 09/12/2023 23:39

Tbh I think it is more likely that the ex has misremembered the dates of your 15-year old hookup than that you overlooked it at the time, especially if you still don’t remember now. You can do a DNA test, but need to be clear about how you will respond whoever turns out to be the dad. I don’t think you tell DD until the test results are in. Really unfair to upset her for what is a very unlikely outcome.

Original poster
Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 23:41

To be honest, finding out you are pregnant so young is so so scary. I can honestly say that from personal experience. I just did what all my family and professionals told me to at the time and carried on. Even if it has crossed my mind I would have buried it unfortunately ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 23:42

This is exactly my thinking. I would not mention it to her at all and I know no one else would. It’s such a mess, and Iv been so distracted by this for days now. I do think that it would have played on my mind even more all of these years if it was likely

OP posts:
Keepitweird · 09/12/2023 23:49

Folk seem to be only focussing on the DD in this - what about the guy who has been Dad for the last 14 years?? This is a hell of an impact on him too as well as the child - what a tricky situation :-(