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Original poster

Fuck! Paternity issue(?) but 14 years on

89 replies

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 21:33

long term mumsnetter but name change for this.

This isn’t great so please don’t just comment to judge.

My DD is 14, had her at 19. I was in a relationship with a lad for 2 years just before, we separated and I was ‘with’ her dad a few months before finding out I was pregnant. Not a planned pregnancy so dates were off a bit but at the time her dad was her dad. Me and her dad stayed together for a couple of years and then separated few years ago, she has some contact with him, sees him every few weeks etc.

Last year me and the lad from before got back in contact and have started a relationship. He has a 6 yr old DD.

A few nights ago we got to talking over a bottle of wine and he mentioned how quickly I got pregnant after we split up years ago. I said it was a good few months but then he me reminded it wasn’t that long and of a night we spent together, I had completely forgotten so he text his friend who agreed that night happened. This puts my DD’s conception dates very very close and tbh I’m terrified! He has showed me pics of his DD and she looks very very similar to my DD at that age!

I was showing his mum some photos of my daughter when she was a baby etc and straight away she said ‘blimey she looks just like ‘DP’ when he was born 😳

What so I do?! No one has mentioned DNA and tbh Iv avoiding the topic currently but it’s stuck in my mind that my DD’s dad might not actually be and that’s completely awful, I feel terrible for everyone.

OP posts:
sashh · 11/12/2023 06:30

I think the first thing is to tell your DD.

Once she knows the possibility then you can contact her 'dad', he has a right to know too.

Leave any next steps until then.

Panaa · 11/12/2023 09:41

Lifeasiknowitisout · 11/12/2023 04:41

What does that say about him?

He thought there was a chance he was the dad enough to talk about it over the years, but never got in touch to find out. He knew he must have split with her close to conception date but just kept quiet? Even got back in touch with Op and never brought it up until they were back in a relationship.

Doesn’t seem he was bothered until he was back in a relationship with Op, but has been bothered enough to talk about it several times with a friend?

That still doesn’t answer how he remembered and the friend remembers 15 years later but it completely slipped teller ops mind, 16 weeks later.

Show quote history

Yes I've said in other posts how odd it is, and how immature and insensitive it is towards the child.

Another reason why I think if he's the dad that the OP needs to split up with him, I don't know about the OP but I wouldn't trust this man to handle the situation sensitively or maturely at all with the child considering he thought she might be his child, said nothing about it and then only brings it up once he's in a relationship with her mother.

CottonC · 11/12/2023 10:03

Pinkflamingopants · 09/12/2023 22:39

You really forgot that you’d slept with another man at the time your DD was conceived?!

This.

@Fowlerrose
It sounds like you preferred the other man and decided to focus on him being the father so he will bring her up, instead of exploring the possibility the other guy was the true father. I assume the guy you told you were pregnant and who brought her up, you didnt tell him that you had very recently slept with another man?? If this is the case, it was terribly deceitful and controlling to hide this from him, which blocked him from making his own decisions. I expect he would have asked for a paternity test to be sure. And also made a decision about whether he wanted to stay in the relationship.

It's not fair on your DD or the man who you told was her father to not be sure who her true father is, it's their right to know and you need to take responsibility for any fall out. Say to your DD you want her to know the truth and to confirm since it's recently come to again to your attention.

She'll almost certainly find out anyway herself in the future since you're all in contact with each other and the resemblance will be there so the fall out at that point would be absolutely devastating and could destroy your relationship with her.

yhk · 11/12/2023 12:46

Tell your daughter that her "dad" might not be her dad.

Tell the "dad" that he might not be her dad.

Tell the "dad" that he may well be her dad.

Ask your daughter if she'd be willing to provide saliva for a DNA test.

Ask dad1 and dad2 if they'd be willing to provide saliva for a DNA test.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 11/12/2023 14:57

Panaa · 11/12/2023 01:47

Completely disagree @Pinkpinkpink15
The man being her mothers boyfriend puts more pressure on the daughter and their relationship. She might feel a lot of pressure to like him because she doesn't want to ruin her mothers relationship.
Also the daughter might not feel able to discuss this man or how the relationship is coming along with her mother because she won't feel like she's impartial, which she wouldn't be if he's her boyfriend.
There could be lots of difficult emotions that arise, perhaps the daughter will start to build a relationship with him and then want a break from him to process, not easy if her mother is in a relationship with him and she knows she's still seeing him. Would the OP be willing to take breaks from the relationship if the daughter needed that space?
Perhaps it would be a struggle for the daughter to watch the relationship with his other daughter and compare the 2 and she has no safe space to vent because this man is always in her home or around the mother.

It would be incredibly selfish to not allow the daughter to do things her way in her own time.

@Panaa

you're entitled to your opinion as I'm entitled to mine & I think you're being OTT. 💁🏻‍♀️

Panaa · 11/12/2023 16:55

@Pinkpinkpink15
And I think that the adults involved will be completely self centred and insensitive if they continue their relationship.
You think I'm being OTT but I think what you said below is completely minimising the seriousness of the situation and living in fairy land.

I disagree, the OP doesn't need to stop seeing him whether he's DD father or not, they just each need to build there relationships with him desperately as well as together

And by the sounds of it that's what both the OP and the potential dad have been doing until now, minimising and living in fairy land, time for them both to actually take this seriously and handle it in a mature way and neither have shown maturity about this situation up to this point which suggests they're not equipped to handle the situation with the sensitivity it deserves for this child.

Original poster
Fowlerrose · 11/12/2023 17:25

Hi, I did I actually had 3 ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy as she measured further along so they changed the due date in total by about 4 weeks

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 11/12/2023 18:14

So whilst they were doing the ultrasounds and moving the dates did you not think ‘Hang on, I had sex with someone else at that point’?

Missingmybabysomuch · 11/12/2023 18:36

I think you absolutely have to find out. Your DD (and whoever her dad is) have a right to know their own parentage. Plus (god forbid) you don't want her to find out because she goes on ancestry when she is a bit older or does one of the many high street DNA things available or even worse, needs to know for a medical reason. Best case scenario, it turns out to be who you thought it was and you can rest easy. If not, then you need to have some difficult conversations.

Thehouseofmarvels · 11/12/2023 18:53

Has the guy who has been acting as a father paying child support? Do you think he will be ok with having paid child support if she turns out not to be his and he realises that you slept with two blokes around the same time and could not be sure whose she was?

neeep · 11/12/2023 18:54

I had completely forgotten so he text his friend who agreed that night happened.

Sorry, his friend knew when you had sex 14 years ago? How??? I don't even know when I had sex last year, let alone 14

Panaa · 11/12/2023 19:41

@Thehouseofmarvels

Of course there's a chance he would want it back if he paid it but OP you can't let that stop you doing the right thing.

@neeep
His friend would easily remember if this man had discussed it with him at the time and about he thought it could be his baby. I still remember the paternity/DNA scandals from back when I was that age!

neeep · 11/12/2023 19:59

Nothing in the op states the the possible father knew at the time op was pg and had any clue that she was pg at the time

Just reads very oddly

Panaa · 11/12/2023 20:08

@neeep
Ok but that's one of the possibilities. Even if they weren't in contact people do tend to hear stuff about their exes so it would be more unusual if he had somehow never found out she was pregnant at the time.

Aside from that there's nothing weird about his friend remembering, I remember loads about my friends lives from back then and things that happened on certain nights, peoples parties, significant events etc.

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