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Original poster

Fuck! Paternity issue(?) but 14 years on

89 replies

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 21:33

long term mumsnetter but name change for this.

This isn’t great so please don’t just comment to judge.

My DD is 14, had her at 19. I was in a relationship with a lad for 2 years just before, we separated and I was ‘with’ her dad a few months before finding out I was pregnant. Not a planned pregnancy so dates were off a bit but at the time her dad was her dad. Me and her dad stayed together for a couple of years and then separated few years ago, she has some contact with him, sees him every few weeks etc.

Last year me and the lad from before got back in contact and have started a relationship. He has a 6 yr old DD.

A few nights ago we got to talking over a bottle of wine and he mentioned how quickly I got pregnant after we split up years ago. I said it was a good few months but then he me reminded it wasn’t that long and of a night we spent together, I had completely forgotten so he text his friend who agreed that night happened. This puts my DD’s conception dates very very close and tbh I’m terrified! He has showed me pics of his DD and she looks very very similar to my DD at that age!

I was showing his mum some photos of my daughter when she was a baby etc and straight away she said ‘blimey she looks just like ‘DP’ when he was born 😳

What so I do?! No one has mentioned DNA and tbh Iv avoiding the topic currently but it’s stuck in my mind that my DD’s dad might not actually be and that’s completely awful, I feel terrible for everyone.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 10/12/2023 06:20

This is not about you, it is about her

What do you think she deserves?

Panaa · 10/12/2023 06:35

MinervatheGreat · 10/12/2023 05:54

This!
Theres many a kid out there who by default doesn’t know it’s own father.
Just leave it.

Show quote history

Oh come on, she's in a relationship with the other potential father.
She can't just 'leave it'.

Ellamaelucyolivia · 10/12/2023 06:45

You have no choice. You have to do a DNA test because if she signs up to a DNA database like ancestry later, she'll find out very quickly and will feel completely deceived by you. I couldn't respect my mother if she hid my parentage. Do it now to save your relationship. Also, what if she met a relative of her real dad and started a relationship, not realising?

Kittenkitty · 10/12/2023 06:55

This is a big mess. You can’t continue dating this man.

If he turns out to be your daughters father she deserves some stability without finding out Mums new boyfriend is her Dad and all playing happy families as if 14years haven’t passed.

Panaa · 10/12/2023 06:57

Kittenkitty · 10/12/2023 06:55

This is a big mess. You can’t continue dating this man.

If he turns out to be your daughters father she deserves some stability without finding out Mums new boyfriend is her Dad and all playing happy families as if 14years haven’t passed.

Absolutely.
If he is the dad then the daughter needs to be able to build a relationship with him on her terms in her own time, that won't be possible if the OP continues to date him.

OnceUponATimeInTheVest · 10/12/2023 12:46

Before doing a DNA test, have you checked blood types?
Some blood types are only possible if at least one of the parents has the type.
e.g. If the child is B, one of the parents must be a B/AB type as well.
It could be a quicker way (and less invasive than a DNA test) to clarify the situation.
https://www.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/articles/2022/blood-type-inheritance/

How is blood type inherited? And do exceptions ever happen? - The Tech Interactive

https://www.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/articles/2022/blood-type-inheritance/

BrimfulOfMash · 10/12/2023 13:28

Daunting OP.

I think you have to tackle it though because it would be better for your Dd to hear the truth from you, in a controlled way, than find out as a shock in the future…. and then fit it to come out that you had a suspicion. More honourable to her Dad, too.

I would say it is playing on current man’s mind, and possibly has done all along, and he may have done the maths at the time, and this is why he thought about and brought up the dates.

Would get Dad reject her if he found he was no biologically connected? Would he be sensitive about it to her? Maintain basic affection as he has known her all her life? How might your Dd react to him if she learned he is not her bio Dad?

How does she get in with current man?

I think I would leave it until after Christmas and then talk to her like an adult. Tell her a comment current man made about looking like his Ds has made you think… does she know he is an old flame? You could ask her if she would like to do the test.

Mostly I would seek views on how to support her from people who have been in her shoes. If they don’t crop up on this thread start a thread “anyone discovered their dad was not their biological father?” and ask their advice on how to talk to her.

Good luck OP.

thelonemommabear · 10/12/2023 13:54

If you're in any doubt take the test - for all involved. Especially if you are in receipt of CMS from the current "dad"

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:08

Wait…. His friend remembers the night you slept with ex, 14 plus years on? How? And why were they randomly talking about it?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 10/12/2023 14:18

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 23:41

To be honest, finding out you are pregnant so young is so so scary. I can honestly say that from personal experience. I just did what all my family and professionals told me to at the time and carried on. Even if it has crossed my mind I would have buried it unfortunately ☹️

I'm sorry to be blunt OP, but this is no excuse. You were 19, not 13. Yes it was young, but actually not all that young. The injured parties here are everybody else. The man who raised her, the potential biological dad, his family, specifically his young daughter, then also your own daughter.

Saying you'd have buried knowing the truth just because you were 19, a legal adult, is very a very poor excuse for the possible catastrophic effects your actions may have on many lives here.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 14:24

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:08

Wait…. His friend remembers the night you slept with ex, 14 plus years on? How? And why were they randomly talking about it?

Yep. He remembers. The friend remembers all this time later.

Op couldn’t remember when she found out she was pregnant at 16 weeks.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:30

Must have been a good party that night!

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/12/2023 14:36

My mum didn't tell me there could be a chance my dad wasn't my dad until I was 30. Turns out he wasn't. Please find out for the sake of your daughter.

Chersfrozenface · 10/12/2023 14:45

Falalalalaa · 09/12/2023 23:04

Because these things have a way of coming out.

What if DD signs up to one of those Ancestry websites in the future? She deserves the truth.

Show quote history

What if DD signs up to one of those Ancestry websites in the future?

Absolutely this. So many people do nowadays.

What will be her reaction when she realises what the results mean?

burnoutbabe · 10/12/2023 14:48

It could well be remembered by a Nate such as

Ah that night of my birthday when we were supposed to do x but you bailed as seeing your ex.

Panaa · 10/12/2023 15:44

EmptyYoghurtPot · 10/12/2023 14:08

Wait…. His friend remembers the night you slept with ex, 14 plus years on? How? And why were they randomly talking about it?

He could have talked to him over the years about how he thought he might have been the babies dad in which case the friend would remember.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 10/12/2023 16:45

Dauntedbydating · 09/12/2023 23:03

What good can come of knowing?
Her father accepts her as his daughter
She accepts him as her father

Why throw a spanner in the works?
You will all be damaged by it

@Dauntedbydating

you HAVE to be kidding. She doesn't have much of a relationship with her 'Dad'

she deserves to know who her biological Dad is.

She deserves to have a relationship with her actual biological father (if she wants that)

FGS

cool4cats2020 · 10/12/2023 23:17

Panaa · 10/12/2023 05:14

Yep imagine a few years down the line if the OP and this man stay together and she found out that her stepdad was actually her biological dad all along, they suspected and said nothing about it.

That could cause an incredible amount of damage.

Show quote history

I actually know a family that was in this situation - couple got back together when the son was just becoming a teenager. I don't know the exact details but it sounds like there was minimal gap between the relationships (maybe even an overlap, but that was never admitted). They never thought paternity with step dad was a possibility until the son started looking more and more like him. They raised it with step/son (who had zero contact with who he had always thought was his biological dad), and offered to do DNA testing. Son declined and said he didn't actually want to know - step dad was the only dad he'd ever known anyway.

I think in your exact circumstances (where dd already has a lifelong relationship with the man she thinks is her dad) that I'd want to do a DNA test on the sly first of all. I know this won't be a popular opinion. But I think explaining it all to your dd and then suggesting the test is going to be a massive head fuck for her, just in that time between telling her and getting the test result, with her paternity being questioned when she has always thought it was certain. Nevermind what the the actual result comes back as.

So I'd try and do the test first, and then if it comes back that dad has always been dad you don't have to trouble dd with it at all. And if it comes back that the other bloke is actually her dad, you can cross that bridge then and do another DNA test openly with your daughter.

Panaa · 10/12/2023 23:38

@cool4cats2020

Presumably this man isn't acting as 'stepdad' yet as the relationship is only new.
So if he is the dad he shouldn't be in her life as stepdad or her mothers boyfriend. The OP needs to let the daughter build a relationship (or not) with him in her own time, and not while her mother is in a relationship with him which just confuses the whole situation entirely.

I also can't get over how odd it is that all along he thought there was a chance he was the dad and he waits until months into the relationship to say it to the OP......even though he presumably thought the OP thought there was a chance also....and they got into a relationship ignoring the massive elephant in the room.
It seems extremely immature and massively insensitive towards this child.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 10/12/2023 23:56

Ellamaelucyolivia · 10/12/2023 06:45

You have no choice. You have to do a DNA test because if she signs up to a DNA database like ancestry later, she'll find out very quickly and will feel completely deceived by you. I couldn't respect my mother if she hid my parentage. Do it now to save your relationship. Also, what if she met a relative of her real dad and started a relationship, not realising?

This

Burntouted · 11/12/2023 00:13

Tell your daughter the truth. Don't gather or do a DNA test without her knowledge nor consent.

Go in for the test. Do not get a home postal kit. Those are highly unreliable.

Don't know how you "forgot" that you slept with two guys in close proximity of the pregnancy..especially when you found out that you were pregnant...while you were pregnant....while you were at the hospital or wherever giving birth....after the birth....etc...

Sounds like you didn't want to lose your relationship, so even though you knew there were two possibilities, you just went with the "safer" option.

Also, physical appearance and similarities mean nothing, as many people all over the world look similar.

A paternity test is needed.

Whatever consequences may come from this, and the impact this will have on everyone...is your doing.

You should have been honest with these two men (are there more possibilities?)
and had the test done long ago.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 11/12/2023 01:32

Panaa · 10/12/2023 23:38

@cool4cats2020

Presumably this man isn't acting as 'stepdad' yet as the relationship is only new.
So if he is the dad he shouldn't be in her life as stepdad or her mothers boyfriend. The OP needs to let the daughter build a relationship (or not) with him in her own time, and not while her mother is in a relationship with him which just confuses the whole situation entirely.

I also can't get over how odd it is that all along he thought there was a chance he was the dad and he waits until months into the relationship to say it to the OP......even though he presumably thought the OP thought there was a chance also....and they got into a relationship ignoring the massive elephant in the room.
It seems extremely immature and massively insensitive towards this child.

Edited

I disagree, the OP doesn't need to stop seeing him whether he's DD father or not, they just each need to build there relationships with him desperately as well as together

Panaa · 11/12/2023 01:47

Completely disagree @Pinkpinkpink15
The man being her mothers boyfriend puts more pressure on the daughter and their relationship. She might feel a lot of pressure to like him because she doesn't want to ruin her mothers relationship.
Also the daughter might not feel able to discuss this man or how the relationship is coming along with her mother because she won't feel like she's impartial, which she wouldn't be if he's her boyfriend.
There could be lots of difficult emotions that arise, perhaps the daughter will start to build a relationship with him and then want a break from him to process, not easy if her mother is in a relationship with him and she knows she's still seeing him. Would the OP be willing to take breaks from the relationship if the daughter needed that space?
Perhaps it would be a struggle for the daughter to watch the relationship with his other daughter and compare the 2 and she has no safe space to vent because this man is always in her home or around the mother.

It would be incredibly selfish to not allow the daughter to do things her way in her own time.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 11/12/2023 04:41

Panaa · 10/12/2023 15:44

He could have talked to him over the years about how he thought he might have been the babies dad in which case the friend would remember.

Show quote history

What does that say about him?

He thought there was a chance he was the dad enough to talk about it over the years, but never got in touch to find out. He knew he must have split with her close to conception date but just kept quiet? Even got back in touch with Op and never brought it up until they were back in a relationship.

Doesn’t seem he was bothered until he was back in a relationship with Op, but has been bothered enough to talk about it several times with a friend?

That still doesn’t answer how he remembered and the friend remembers 15 years later but it completely slipped teller ops mind, 16 weeks later.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 11/12/2023 04:58

I'd be getting a DNA test. I don't believe you really forgot tbh, but hey... it is what it is. You owe it to your daughter to find out.

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