Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck! Paternity issue(?) but 14 years on

89 replies

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 21:33

long term mumsnetter but name change for this.

This isn’t great so please don’t just comment to judge.

My DD is 14, had her at 19. I was in a relationship with a lad for 2 years just before, we separated and I was ‘with’ her dad a few months before finding out I was pregnant. Not a planned pregnancy so dates were off a bit but at the time her dad was her dad. Me and her dad stayed together for a couple of years and then separated few years ago, she has some contact with him, sees him every few weeks etc.

Last year me and the lad from before got back in contact and have started a relationship. He has a 6 yr old DD.

A few nights ago we got to talking over a bottle of wine and he mentioned how quickly I got pregnant after we split up years ago. I said it was a good few months but then he me reminded it wasn’t that long and of a night we spent together, I had completely forgotten so he text his friend who agreed that night happened. This puts my DD’s conception dates very very close and tbh I’m terrified! He has showed me pics of his DD and she looks very very similar to my DD at that age!

I was showing his mum some photos of my daughter when she was a baby etc and straight away she said ‘blimey she looks just like ‘DP’ when he was born 😳

What so I do?! No one has mentioned DNA and tbh Iv avoiding the topic currently but it’s stuck in my mind that my DD’s dad might not actually be and that’s completely awful, I feel terrible for everyone.

OP posts:
PlanetOfTheDogs · 10/12/2023 00:04

In your first post you say you thought it was a good few months between partners yet in your later post you say you ALWAYS knew it was quite close. It doesn’t make sense.

gotomomo · 10/12/2023 00:10

The flip side is babies can look very similar right up to about 2, completely unrelated. My dps dd looks so similar to my dd at the same age and they are completely unrelated (we are both fair skinned, blue eyed, blonde with ex's who are dark haired which helps explain possible similarities). Consent is important here, your dd is old enough to discuss this with, just watch mamma Mia first ...

theduchessofspork · 10/12/2023 00:17

It seems more likely to me that he has his dates muddled than you did.

But you can a DNA test to be sure

theduchessofspork · 10/12/2023 00:21

.. I meant to say you CAN do a test.

It would be equally valid to let sleeping dogs lie, until your daughter is old enough to decide.

Ghentsummer · 10/12/2023 00:31

How would your new guy's friend remember a date years ago you and new guy had sex? And how would you not remember sleeping with someone who wasn't your boyfriend?

It could easily be that the new guy has his dates messed up. But you won't know until you do a dna test.

boscabosco · 10/12/2023 00:32

Pinkflamingopants · 09/12/2023 22:39

You really forgot that you’d slept with another man at the time your DD was conceived?!

this, oh come on, you are talking about it like it was 50 years ago and happened to someone else.

Ohnoooooooo · 10/12/2023 00:45

If she is not 'her' dad's - she could find out later by chance for example if they have different blood types, she does an ancestory test when she is older etc etc. You owe it to everyone involved to be sure now because an accidental mistake a the age of 19 is forgivable - a conscious decision as a full blow adult to lie and hide this information is another.

Lightbulbspark · 10/12/2023 00:52

This isn't just your problem anymore to keep quiet about. It involves the lives and emotions of 3 other people, perhaps 4 if you include the potential half sister? What would you want if you were your DD? If you dont deal with this now, how about when she finds out you kept this from her in years to come? She needs to know who her biological father is, one way or another. It's only fair that she gets a say in this.

SnowSwan · 10/12/2023 01:13

You forgot you had sex with your ex while seeing another man? Doubt. Look, you can blame what happened on being a dumb teenager, but you are not a teenager anymore. You do not get to pretend anymore. Your daughter deserves to know who her father is. It is wrong to let her build a relationship with her "dad" under false pretences. And it is wrong to mislead one man in to thinking he is a father. It is also wrong to deny another man the opportunity to be a father if he is one. Your daughter has a potential sister there too. Sort this mess out properly.

ironorchids · 10/12/2023 01:35

PlanetOfTheDogs · 10/12/2023 00:04

In your first post you say you thought it was a good few months between partners yet in your later post you say you ALWAYS knew it was quite close. It doesn’t make sense.

I think the confusion is probably down to her age at the time, the fear of what if she got the person or dates wrong and so you just believe what you think you need to believe at the time and suppress everything else. Adults can do this so it's completely plausible to me that a child would do it and just never let the idea that any other possibility could be true, because it's probably not true, and having to tell two people they might be the father and you don't know which one and need do DNA tests at that point might have been two scary a thought to entertain.

ittakes2 · 10/12/2023 01:38

My brother had an on off relationship with a woman who also had an on off relationship with another man who she married and had a child with. My brother did the dates and asked her if the child was his and she said no.
Years later my parents did ancestory DNA and discovered this child was their granddaughter so was infact my brother's child. She is 17/18 now and coming to our Christmas dinner for the first time and I am looking forward to having her. I am also looking forward to meeting the her dad that raised her because at some point he discovered she was not his biological dad but he did not change his relationship with her and I think this man must be awesome.
My brother on the other hand - I am not sure he's even seen this daughter since she discovered he was her biological dad. I hope so but I would not be surprised if he hasn't.

ironorchids · 10/12/2023 01:41

Fowlerrose · 09/12/2023 23:42

This is exactly my thinking. I would not mention it to her at all and I know no one else would. It’s such a mess, and Iv been so distracted by this for days now. I do think that it would have played on my mind even more all of these years if it was likely

I think you need to come clean with your daughter that you are now unsure and would like to do a DNA test as soon as possible, because otherwise this is going to haunt you forever and haunt her as well if she finds out.

It's potentially incredibly upsetting and unnerving for her to have to find out her father might not be her father, but you owe it to her for her to know who her biological dad is.

The thing that would worry me is if you tell her and then she refused to do the test, as then this might haunt her for the eatery of her laugh.

I think the best for everyone is to just have a DNA test and for your daughter to know who her father is.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/12/2023 01:47

At least for your daughter you can say you're doing an ancestry DNA thing. Not sure how you'd get her Dad or other possible Dad's DNA without coming clean. Would her Dad do a DNA test if you said you we're tracing both sides of your DDs family? Or if you do do the ancestry tracing them some of Dad's or possible Dads relatives might be on there. It's one way you might be able to find out without involving anyone else.

stepintochristmas1 · 10/12/2023 02:12

Seriously you can't do DNA tests on an adult without permission jfk .

Brexile · 10/12/2023 03:34

I wouldn't worry about misremembered dates or who she looked like as a baby - of course she looked like other babies. Who does she look like now?

PeopleAreWeird · 10/12/2023 04:08

Dont do it via a Hair

Very unreliable , a friend could of borrowed the hairbrush

Saggypants · 10/12/2023 04:37

It all sounds a bit off. I can understand you being confused about your dates if on the pill but you didn't have an ultrasound, fundal height check, anything at all which could have dated the pregnancy more accurately?

Panaa · 10/12/2023 05:08

You need to get a DNA test done.

Also if he is her father then I think you need to end your relationship with this man for now anyway. They need to have to be able to build their own relationship and that will have to take priority over your love life.

You being in a relationship with him would confuse the whole situation even more and maybe make her feel a lot of pressure to build a relationship with him quickly or all sorts of other uncomfortable emotions and thoughts that this might throw up for her.

and then if it goes bad what would that mean for their relationship?

Also how long have you actually been in a relationship with him? You said you've been back in touch since last year and he only mentions this now? That's completely bizarre.

Panaa · 10/12/2023 05:14

Falalalalaa · 09/12/2023 23:04

Because these things have a way of coming out.

What if DD signs up to one of those Ancestry websites in the future? She deserves the truth.

Show quote history

Yep imagine a few years down the line if the OP and this man stay together and she found out that her stepdad was actually her biological dad all along, they suspected and said nothing about it.

That could cause an incredible amount of damage.

YoBeaches · 10/12/2023 05:16

OP how close are the dates we're talking about here?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 05:26

I appreciate its scary finding our you are pregnant when you are young. I was in position.

But when you found out you were 16 week pregnant, the sex was 16 weeks ago. At the time it wasn't years difference. So at the time you thought there had been months between sleeping with the 2. You forgot that yoj slept together and there waa crlss over. Even though it was only a few weeks before? But now, years later you say there was only a short period?

I think you need to get this bit straight. Because it doesn't make sense. And being an adult who is in shock and scared doesn't mean you do know the difference between some cross over in who you slept with.

Your dd and the man who thinks he is her Dad will have these questions. I don't know isn't going to do.

Either there was months and the new bloke is misremembering and you are assuming he is right and the seed of doubt has set in your brain and convinced you he could be right.

Or you knew there was a chance she was his, not the father's. In which case you are better being honest that you said she was the man you said it was because you panicked and made the wrong decision.

And honestly, what's going on with the new/ex bloke. He knew all these years the child was conceived really close to sleeping with him to the point, he is bringing up now but never bothered asking until he was back with you? He has clearly discussed it at length with the friend. Who remembers exactly dates of when their friend had sex 15 years ago?

If it turns out he is your dad's father, he needs ro be ready to answer questions she will have as well

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/12/2023 05:29

She came 'early' by due dates but appeared overdue? So she was conceived earlier than you thought. Making it even more possible her father is your ex/current DP. You need to test, discuss it with her and DP before you do so.

MinervatheGreat · 10/12/2023 05:54

Dauntedbydating · 09/12/2023 23:03

What good can come of knowing?
Her father accepts her as his daughter
She accepts him as her father

Why throw a spanner in the works?
You will all be damaged by it

This!
Theres many a kid out there who by default doesn’t know it’s own father.
Just leave it.

allitdoesisrain · 10/12/2023 06:03

MinervatheGreat · 10/12/2023 05:54

This!
Theres many a kid out there who by default doesn’t know it’s own father.
Just leave it.

Show quote history

That might have been fine when I had my first over 20 years ago. DNA testing was rare and only in the most extraordinary medical circumstances. I would have had no reason to think that things like Ancestry would come about and DNA testing would be so common place. At that time, this kind of reasoning might have held more water.

These days, there is a big chance it's going to come out somewhere along the line. Is it better to leave it and have it come out as an awful secret in future, potentially, or preempt it? I think I'd start by talking to DP and telling him this other guy you were with close to getting together with him is claiming possibly paternity, would he do a DNA test to put the matter to rest?

RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 06:18

I don't think yoy can blame your brother for not seeing her @itittakes2 , he got told he wasn't the father, he did ask. His biological dd has only known the dad that brought her up as her dad so best not to muddy the waters maybe.

Swipe left for the next trending thread