I need to end it, but I don't want to

[casuallysad]

I've been in a situationship with a lovely man for the past 3-4 months. We started out casual and were both dating other people, but recently we both stopped seeing anyone else - not because we decided to be exclusive, but just because it worked out that way. We are still casual.

The problem is that I've caught feelings. He is gorgeous, funny, very kind. I trust him and feel safe with him. He's considerate, likes to talk and communicate. We have absolutely mindblowing sex - like, beyond amazing. So I suppose it's no surprise that I've started to feel like I want more from him.

But I know that I don't really want more. He's younger than me and we are at different stages in our lives. He wants a wife and kids. I'm menopausal. That's not the only difference between us, but it's the main one. There are also things I don't like about him. He spent two hours one evening monologuing at me about his hobby (I nearly died of boredom) and he can be pedantic at times. He usually has to be right (although he never gaslights or speaks unkindly. He just thinks he's right about basically everything.) So he definitely has faults that annoy me. Also we live about two hours away from one another and I don't want an LTR.

I know he likes and cares about me, but I think if he said he wanted a relationship with me (he doesn't), I'd probably say no. But for whatever reason, I feel so much for him and it's getting to the point now that I feel so sad when I know I won't see him for a while, and I get upset if he doesn't text for a day or so, even though I will often take a couple of days to message him.

I feel like I have to end things because I'm undoubtedly going to get very hurt and there is literally no future for us, unless I'm happy to carry on in this way until it fizzles out. I would miss the sex, which is honestly the best I've ever had, and I doubt it will ever be this good with anyone again. And I would miss his tenderness and his funny, unique way of looking at the world.

Someone talk some sense into me, please! How do I walk away when it's so good between us?

I dont think it would work for the reasons you mentioned, unless you were both happy with the compromises.

Unfortunately casual relationships often end up with one or both getting feelings.

Yes. I don't know what I'm asking, really! Maybe just a way to feel better about ending it?

OP, sounds like investing in a few personal-bedroom toys may severely help you nip this in the bud!!

Ha! But no. It's no substitute for sex with a person and the love and connection you feel with someone.

This sounds so much like my ex I'm wondering if you're dating the same person I did!
In my case, upon reflection he was a narcissist. Hurt to end it and I will always miss him but it wasn't a fulfilling relationship in the end. I wonder if you would feel the same in a few months time.
No real advice OP, just sympathy.

In your shoes I usually think worst case scenario. You are in a situation you know can only carry on so long. So I would think about how the end could play out. It fizzling out is best case. Feelings fade and you are both unbothered really about it ending is definitely best case.

In this case is that you keep seeing eachother. You miss him and get stronger feelings. Then he meets someone he can settle down with and have kids with and cuts contact with you completely. Or it might be even worse if he just stops seeing you but keeps in touch with occasional texts in case his relationship doesn’t work. Then you are kept hanging on. Because you love him and you essentially become a back up and feeling like the other woman when he contacts you. Then you spend the next months/year getting over it.

Once I work out worst case, i make my decision. Is it worth it? In your case I would definitely walk away now. I wouldn’t let him convince me it could become something. Or maybe he doesn’t want kids or whatever it takes to make you stay in the situation. I would start moving on now.

Worst case, you spend a good few years in emotional turmoil over a man you don’t really want to be with and can’t be with.

It might not work for you. But it does for me.

Thank you. I don't think he's a narcissist, though he certainly has an ego! But maybe I'll see it differently in time. The fact that I feel slightly addicted to him is definitely a red flag. Thank you for pointing out this possibility!

This is a very helpful comment, @Ffsnotaconference thank you! You're right - it fizzling out is the best case outcome. The worst case scenarios could see me stuck in a cycle with this man for months or years. I won't allow that to happen. I know it needs to end, but gathering the strength to walk away is quite hard.

I was fine when we were both having fun and I felt like I could walk away at any point with no hard feelings. I was happy to be casual because I felt that a relationship between us would never work - and I still feel that it wouldn't work. I don't want a relationship with him, I'd be miserable! Our lives would never blend together and obviously I couldn't give him what he wants, either.

I don't want to think badly of him because I do believe he is a good person - not perfect, but good. I don't want to have to demonise him and start to dislike him in order to walk away, because he has treated me very well and he doesn't deserve that. But lately, after we've spent time together, I feel sad and a bit anxious, and I know I need to listen to those feelings. It doesn't matter why I feel that way - whether it's just the situation or it's my issues or his issues, or a combination of things. The fact is, I do feel that way and so I should make my decision based on that.

Thank you for the helpful comments and allowing me a space to talk this through!

OP, I'm struggling a little to understand the problem.

You have a casual relationship with him, based around sex, you don't want a proper relationship with him, and the sex is great and he treats you well within that context.... it sounds like you have exactly what you want from him....

.... I'm wondering what has started taking away your enjoyment? I'd be curious about the anxiety you feel after- what would that anxiety be if you put it into words? Is it really specific to him, or is it that you long for something from someone that you can not get from him? I understand you say you've developed feelings, but what is the problem with that if you don't want more with him? Or do you feel he doesn't and that makes it feel painful, regardless?

What would your absolutely ideal set up be? Do you want a full on relationship with someone? Or would you like what you have with him, just more frequent and a little more romantic, but still not a full blown relationship? I guess I'm just trying to understand what it is you are wishing for/ made unhappy by?

I read somewhere, most situationships end about 3 months or so in, as it's that stage when you start naturally thinking where is this going? Where do I want it to go? You're investing time and energy into someone else and vice versa, yet at any point they could find someone else thus ending the situation, and you have no control over it and no say. Some people can take it day by day and enjoy it for what it is, others including myself can't. What I would say is listen to your gut.

@financialcareerstuff These are such good questions, and I feel I don't really know the answers myself. I'm not sure what it is that's making me sad or anxious. He treats me well and we always have fun together. I think maybe it's that he meets some of my needs that no one else really does - for example, if I seem quiet, he asks how I am and if I want to talk. If I'm sad, he notices, and takes care of me. It's the little tendernesses, like stroking my hair, just showing love and concern. I've never really had that from anyone before.

Also, it's the honesty and communication around sex that makes it so great. We talk deeply about what we want in that respect and he makes me feel so safe and protected. As someone who's experienced a lot of sexual abuse in the past, it's really lovely to feel this kind of care and lovingness from him.

So maybe it's that I really want/need these things in a relationship, but I know that this particular relationship will have to end at some point. So I'm sad and anxious because I know that these needs are going to stop being met, and I'm thinking maybe I'll never get these needs met ever again?

I'm not sure, but I think it's something like this going on. Thank you so much for asking the questions.

Thank you, that's an interesting point about most situationships ending around the 3 month mark. I can definitely see that this is the point where I'm wondering, where is this going? So maybe part of it is just being aware that the natural span of this relationship is coming to an end.

F. Just following because the questions raised and the thoughtfulness of the thread is so healing. I know so many people in situationships that struggle to understand this experience. I am learning so much here.

People's comments have been so helpful! It's definitely an area of struggle for lots of people. Maybe more communication is key. I think if I told him how I was feeling, he'd want to call things off. So I'm thinking maybe I'll wait til I next see him and have the conversation with him in person. That way, we can talk it through and hug goodbye. I'm sure it will be really sad, but maybe a healthy way to end things with clarity and good will.

I'm sorry I'm still utterly baffled - even more so since you tried to answer my questions (and thank you for such a thoughtful reply.)

If you read it over, OP, you basically seem to be saying 'he's meeting my needs..... I'm scared he won't always..... so I should end it' (ie depriving yourself of something you are enjoying NOW because you might lose it later?

I am wondering if there are rules in your head about relationships that are stopping you from enjoying the fact that this one is a good thing in your life? Do you believe a relationship has to advance towards the ultimate marriage commitment or it isn't right? (Even if you don't want to marry?) do you believe that everything good ends? Do you believe that if a relationship is primarily sexual then it shouldn't be caring snd engage your heart or involve vulnerability? Do you believe that receiving pleasure, caring or getting your needs met is in some way not allowed or you don't deserve? Or are you afraid that you are not strong enough to manage losing something that is valuable, so you'd prefer to force its loss so you at least have control?

any of these would be understandable... we grow up with many if these beliefs. Maybe none of these are right, but I am wondering if there is something you can do to allow yourself to enjoy something that is good for you, but may not fall within the normal definitions of the classic committed relationship?

sorry if I have mussed something actually bad about the relationship.....

It's because he's the only person you're shagging. For casual to work you need at least a couple of men in rotation so you don't hung up on one 😉

Maybe what OP is discovering is that great sex and good conversation or having a weekend playmate isn’t enough for her. That his tenderness and emotional attunement is something she would like more if, or more permanently, but their age/stage difference means she anticipates that thus will end when he decides to have children. This makes all the sweet things bittersweet , by nature. Since the relationship is term limited, but the feelings and desires it has aroused are intensifying rather than ending.

I kind of feel that the relationship revealed to OP that she would want a more permanent commitment from someone.

Do you believe that receiving pleasure, caring or getting your needs met is in some way not allowed or you don't deserve? Or are you afraid that you are not strong enough to manage losing something that is valuable, so you'd prefer to force its loss so you at least have control?

I think both these things are key, @financialcareerstuff . I've literally never had a relationship where I felt cared for and there was tenderness and communication. I've had short flings that were fun but nothing more, and I've had longer relationships that were abusive and destructive. But I've never had a relationship like this, where I feel safe and cared for in so many ways. I had a very difficult childhood where I was unloved and I think everything comes back to that. The feeling of being loved and cared for is actually deeply uncomfortable. Which is really sad.

And yes, I feel that it's easier to be in control of ending the situation than to feel like I'm waiting for it to end. It will definitely end, there's no doubt about that. But I guess I feel that how it ends could be something I control.

That his tenderness and emotional attunement is something she would like more if, or more permanently, but their age/stage difference means she anticipates that thus will end when he decides to have children. This makes all the sweet things bittersweet , by nature. Since the relationship is term limited, but the feelings and desires it has aroused are intensifying rather than ending.

I think this is really well said, @pikkumyy77 I know it has to end and probably it will end when he learns that my feelings are more serious or deeper than his, since he won't want to hurt me. So yes, everything sweet is bittersweet.

But it has made me realise that I really want and need those things - the tenderness, kindness, communication, protection and safety that I feel with him - and also that I've never had them before. I don't know if I believe I could ever have this with someone else, or in a serious relationship.

I also think that this situation has triggered a lot of emotional stuff for me to work through, and while he cares and wants to listen if I want to talk, it's not stuff that he can help with because in order to feel totally safe to talk about these things, I'd need to know he was sticking around and willing to work on these things with me, in the context of a relationship. And he cannot make that commitment to me, and I also don't really want him to. I find his presence and his attention very healing. But it's not fair to him to use him as a way to heal my emotional wounds.

Possibly. We were both seeing other people until recently, but I think for both of us, other things fizzled out. I'm still talking to a couple of other men (not in the modern sense! I just mean talking to) and I'm sure he has other interests too. That's another element of this - I've never been jealous about him seeing other women but whereas I used to never even think about it, now it does cross my mind. I don't want to be jealous as that's not fair. We both agreed to non-monogamy and we both want the other person to be happy and fulfilled. But now I'm starting to feel the need to be special to him - which would be normal and healthy if this were a progressing relationship and not a situationship that can't go anywhere.

So maybe I should look to move things forward with one of the other men I'm talking to. You're right that it might help the situation and give me some perspective.

Alternatively, stop dating anyone and just be by myself for a while.

Dear OP: I think spending some time alone and thinking about what you want/need might be a good thing. You have learned something about yourself that is really important, so I hope you can treasure that. You seem to want someone who is really in your life as a partner not a temporary passenger. I hope you find him! It is lovely to have all that tenderness and affection there for you constantly and steadily.

Thanks @pikkumyy77

I might take a short break from all of it! Figure out what I really want and then start looking for that. I guess maybe I won't find it, but that doesn't mean I should just take whatever I can get, even if it's not what I really want.

Ah well, looks like I don't need to end anything, as he hasn't messaged me since Saturday afternoon... We had been messaging a lot, then spent a few days together and now the messages seem to have stopped. I doubt he will totally ghost but I feel like this is enough to show me the situation isn't serving me. I'm so sad, though! This is teaching me that I truly want and need more from others than I've been accepting up until now. I feel so hurt.

Use this gap in communication to take back control of your feelings. No good ever comes from relationships like this. You're already starting to feel anxious and no relationship is ever worth losing your peace of mind for. You're stronger than you think, so take your courage in both hands and stride on forward, knowing that you are protecting your precious heart. Force yourself to stop pining over him and distract yourself with whatever works for you whenever you get wistful.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad, OP, and I feel your confusion- I really hope that even if it ends now, you can look on this relationship with appreciation.....

It sounds like it has been honest, caring, and sexually satisfying.... and it has helped open you up to the possibility of wanting, and deserving more. That sounds like a valuable gift to have given yourself, and sadness at it ending does not invalidate that.

Some relationships aren't meant to progress or stay for ever. But they can still be meaningful, beautiful and give you something that you needed at a particular point in your journey.