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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end it, but I don't want to

81 replies

casuallysad · 08/12/2023 23:13

I've been in a situationship with a lovely man for the past 3-4 months. We started out casual and were both dating other people, but recently we both stopped seeing anyone else - not because we decided to be exclusive, but just because it worked out that way. We are still casual.

The problem is that I've caught feelings. He is gorgeous, funny, very kind. I trust him and feel safe with him. He's considerate, likes to talk and communicate. We have absolutely mindblowing sex - like, beyond amazing. So I suppose it's no surprise that I've started to feel like I want more from him.

But I know that I don't really want more. He's younger than me and we are at different stages in our lives. He wants a wife and kids. I'm menopausal. That's not the only difference between us, but it's the main one. There are also things I don't like about him. He spent two hours one evening monologuing at me about his hobby (I nearly died of boredom) and he can be pedantic at times. He usually has to be right (although he never gaslights or speaks unkindly. He just thinks he's right about basically everything.) So he definitely has faults that annoy me. Also we live about two hours away from one another and I don't want an LTR.

I know he likes and cares about me, but I think if he said he wanted a relationship with me (he doesn't), I'd probably say no. But for whatever reason, I feel so much for him and it's getting to the point now that I feel so sad when I know I won't see him for a while, and I get upset if he doesn't text for a day or so, even though I will often take a couple of days to message him.

I feel like I have to end things because I'm undoubtedly going to get very hurt and there is literally no future for us, unless I'm happy to carry on in this way until it fizzles out. I would miss the sex, which is honestly the best I've ever had, and I doubt it will ever be this good with anyone again. And I would miss his tenderness and his funny, unique way of looking at the world.

Someone talk some sense into me, please! How do I walk away when it's so good between us?

OP posts:
Frasers · 17/12/2023 10:22

Ok that makes it easy then. Text him , tell him it’s over, block him, stop texting him about wanting more communication etc

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 10:25

Frasers · 17/12/2023 10:22

Ok that makes it easy then. Text him , tell him it’s over, block him, stop texting him about wanting more communication etc

Yes, if you read the thread you will see that's what I've done. Thanks though, for trying to stick the boot in. You seem lovely.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 17/12/2023 10:39

casuallysad · 17/12/2023 10:15

I'm not pushing for anything other than a clear ending. Yes I made a bad job of ending things. I said that myself, it's the first thing I said in my update.

I'm not trying to dictate his feelings. He doesn't have any feelings towards me other than rage that I've dared to end it with him.

I didn’t know I needed to say "don't reply" because actually sane, decent people can reply to a break up text and should have the right to say something in response.

My mistake was thinking he was sane and decent.

You haven’t messaged anything that’s a clear endimg. Every text has invited further conversation. Maybe we should end it and so on.

It’s not a break up.

Why are you assigning words like sane and decent to it? You keep kind of ending it. He keeps replying and where has it got you? Still in a mixed up situation. Is that same and decent. Either end it or don’t. But don’t keep telling you probably, maybe think you should.

You want him to reply but only in a way that you find acceptable. But you are inviting a conversation about it. You aren’t asking for a reply. You are asking to discuss it further.

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 10:49

No I'm not.

I ended it.

I came here for advice on how to end it. I got that advice. I took that advice, but admittedly messed it up the first time around. Gained new information about the person. Came back here to update and say where I'd gone wrong.

Got good advice from @Thenewmags about how to salvage the situation. Took it. Ended the relationship. Done.

But now I've got a fucking pile on from people who think, hey, here's a sad, vulnerable person having a shitty day - let's see how much we can harangue her about her imperfect behaviour. Just... go away and fuck with someone else.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 17/12/2023 10:57

casuallysad · 17/12/2023 10:49

No I'm not.

I ended it.

I came here for advice on how to end it. I got that advice. I took that advice, but admittedly messed it up the first time around. Gained new information about the person. Came back here to update and say where I'd gone wrong.

Got good advice from @Thenewmags about how to salvage the situation. Took it. Ended the relationship. Done.

But now I've got a fucking pile on from people who think, hey, here's a sad, vulnerable person having a shitty day - let's see how much we can harangue her about her imperfect behaviour. Just... go away and fuck with someone else.

You said you ended it. He replied. You messaged back and said ‘what else can I do?’

Thats not ending it. That’s asking him for an another option. That’s asking him what can be done to not stop seeing eachother.

You want him to reply. But also don’t like his reply and get drawn into talking about other options. But then do enter a conversation about ‘what else can I do?’

This is a man you had a casual set up with for a few weeks.

If it’s ended. It’s ended. Job done.

The dramatics over a ‘pile on’ is odd to be honest. People have their opinion. There’s no pile on.

You are dragging this whole situation out. You would only do that if you get something out of it.

Outliers · 17/12/2023 11:01

Only a matter of when it ends not if.

Its a fantasy You would find a lot more to dislike in each other if you were actually in a relationship.

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 11:07

I ended it, @Ffsnotaconference . It's ended. It's over.

Your opinion is utterly worthless if you won't even read my posts.

Yeah, maybe saying it's a pile on is a bit OTT. But ffs. Repeatedly telling me to do something I've already done, and telling me the reason I haven't done what I've actually done is because I'm really trying to manipulate this person and if I really wanted to do what I've ACTUALLY FUCKING DONE I would just do it, but I won't because I don't really want to blah blah fucking blah... it's wearing on me.

And it's no fucking secret that I didn't actually want to end things with him. The clue's in the title of the thread. So if you can't have compassion and empathy for a person doing something she clearly found difficult to do, then why comment at all? What do you think you are contributing? Does it make you feel good and wise? Could you perhaps go and be those things somewhere else?

OP posts:
Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 11:09

Outliers · 17/12/2023 11:01

Only a matter of when it ends not if.

Its a fantasy You would find a lot more to dislike in each other if you were actually in a relationship.

I agree with this.

Even though I fucked up my first attempts at ending it, doing that did give me a lot more information about him and the kind of person he is. I knew I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, but now I realise he would have been a very difficult person even to continue in a casual situationship with.

OP posts:
Thenewmags · 17/12/2023 11:18

Got good advice from @Thenewmags about how to salvage the situation. Took it. Ended the relationship. Done.

well done on ending it, and if you hear from him again - stay strong!

I agree, matters of the heart can be very complicated and it’s easier said than done sometimes just to end things when you still have feelings for someone.

But glad you made the right decision now, as it would be even more painful 6 months down the road.

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 11:25

Thank you @Thenewmags

I won't go back - it's a clear ending, finally, and I won't put myself through this again. He was so manipulative and unkind in his responses to me, which made it clear that he was never the lovely person I'd believed he was.

I know it was the right decision, but I'm sad and disappointed. I'll learn from the experience, but right now it hurts.

Thanks for giving me the words I needed to be able to shut down the conversation with him and actually end things. I really appreciate that.

OP posts:
Thenewmags · 17/12/2023 11:40

@casuallysad

Good to hear. And glad I was able to offer some help!
No doubt his manipulation was a desperate attempt to keep control of the situation. He underestimated you!

Yes, sometimes people’s true colours do come out once you try and end things or let them know they’re not meeting your needs. He turned out to be different from the man you thought you knew, so yeah it’s only natural to feel sad about that as it’s still so fresh.

As you say, you’ll learn and grow from this experience.

I hope your day gets better!

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 11:44

Thank you! I'm allowing myself to have a cry for a bit and then I'll start the day over and find something cheerful to do!

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 13:00

would miss the sex, which is honestly the best I've ever had, and I doubt it will ever be this good with anyone again

I also had this with a situationship

but it’s a very very limiting view for you (and me !) to hold

in fact when we had a (one of many 🙄) break I had better sex with someone , I didn’t fancy him the same but the quality was good !

im your age and have re discovered my desire for lots of sex

but keep the faith that you can and will find another enthusiastic lover down the line

WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 17/12/2023 13:13

Really hope you are OK OP and sorry it didn't end in an ideal way.
Treat yourself kindly and take as much space as you can from him - block if you can, you need to detox and not get caught into his bullshit.
If he's late 30s based in Oxfordshire then that could well be my ex too like I said earlier - run!!! 😊
Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 13:16

Thanks @Indifferentchickenwings I know you're right - the sex was great but I'm sure I'll have great sex again with someone else! I think I was just clinging to that feeling of how special and wonderful it all was... and then it wasn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 13:21

WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones · 17/12/2023 13:13

Really hope you are OK OP and sorry it didn't end in an ideal way.
Treat yourself kindly and take as much space as you can from him - block if you can, you need to detox and not get caught into his bullshit.
If he's late 30s based in Oxfordshire then that could well be my ex too like I said earlier - run!!! 😊
Wishing you all the best.

Definitely not the same guy but sounds like the same M.O.

You're right, I do feel like I need to detox. The funny thing is that when he was ignoring me and i decided to end things, I felt myself very lighthearted, singing and joyful. As soon as I got drawn into conversation with him again, I felt exhausted and sad.

I had noticed this sadness when spending time with him before, but I thought it was sadness that we wouldn't be together or sadness that I would have to sacrifice all the lovely things he was giving me.

Now I wonder if it was literally my body reacting to someone who wasn't good for me.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 13:30

All endings hurt 😞

and he’s probably being a twat as he’s a bit hurt abiut it too ?

but I’m telling ya when we start stressing cos a so called casual situationship hasn’t texted …

it’s a cluster fuck

I did this shit for 22 months
ughhhh

be kind to yourself and if he’s triggered a lot of feelings … that’s very human and don’t push them away

pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2023 14:14

Good going OP! Ignore the posters putting the boot in. This is not the olympic sport of breaking up and there are no East German judges who get to downrate you for not sticking the landing. You ended an ambiguous relationship with a person who didn’t want you to have that power. The two of you had a little tussle for control and he refused to allow you to gracefully back out snd have everyone preserve face. So you had to gesture a little more broadly, be a little louder. So what? A sick person never lets you have a healthy way out of a relationship. You cut loose at the and snd saved yourself. That is all that matters.

Original poster
casuallysad · 17/12/2023 15:27

pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2023 14:14

Good going OP! Ignore the posters putting the boot in. This is not the olympic sport of breaking up and there are no East German judges who get to downrate you for not sticking the landing. You ended an ambiguous relationship with a person who didn’t want you to have that power. The two of you had a little tussle for control and he refused to allow you to gracefully back out snd have everyone preserve face. So you had to gesture a little more broadly, be a little louder. So what? A sick person never lets you have a healthy way out of a relationship. You cut loose at the and snd saved yourself. That is all that matters.

Thank you so, so much for this comment. That sums it up exactly and I appreciate your insight.

He actually did message a little while ago in response to my final message, saying he was sad it'sover and he wishes me well. I fully suspect he is hoping to draw me back in, but for me, this is a win, because he's saying goodbye and I can leave it there. No response necessary.

Ugh today has been rough! But I really appreciate the kind and helpful comments from many people here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 16:41

This is not the olympic sport of breaking up

i love that too !
break ups are always messy and painful

and as a result we always feel some regret and question ourselves , even if the break up was right , did we handle it right ….

Ebokebok · 17/12/2023 23:12

casuallysad · 17/12/2023 09:53

Not sure where you are getting that from? Projection, maybe?

What I want him to do is be honest and kind and let me end things on a positive note, rather than acting like I'm a crazy person for having normal needs and feelings.

Show quote history

I got the same impression too. Your message was written in such as way as to try and prompt him to express feelings for you.

Original poster
casuallysad · 18/12/2023 09:02

Ebokebok · 17/12/2023 23:12

I got the same impression too. Your message was written in such as way as to try and prompt him to express feelings for you.

Show quote history

You didn't see my messages to him, though. You're literally making that shit up. So either it's projection or you're just trying to be mean.

And honestly, what is the point of this post? I've broken up with him, it's done. So the fact that you imagine my messages were of a certain tone or intention is really completely irrelevant.

It's like some of you have never been in a relationship or had feelings for another human being, I swear.

OP posts:
Original poster
casuallysad · 18/12/2023 09:03

This is not the olympic sport of breaking up

Say it louder for the people in the cheap seats. This is my life, my actual experiences, my very real feelings and my mental health. Not 'please judge my text messages even though you can't see them and tell me how shit I am at breaking up with someone I don't actually want to break up with'.

OP posts:
Mornusting · 18/12/2023 09:29

This thread alone should show you that different people have different interpretations of things so maybe he is the same. I don't know why you are being so abusive towards people who have posted on here when you asked people to talk some sense into you. Did you just want people who agreed with you?

PeacefulPottering · 18/12/2023 10:20

On a side note.
Why does nobody talk on the phone to each other?
You have got as intimate as two people possibly can but can't talk personally on the phone to each other?
It baffles me.
I am rubbish at reading context in Whatsapp messages, I would not be conducting my relationship, breaking up especially, over bloody text messages!