I need to end it, but I don't want to

[casuallysad]

I've been in a situationship with a lovely man for the past 3-4 months. We started out casual and were both dating other people, but recently we both stopped seeing anyone else - not because we decided to be exclusive, but just because it worked out that way. We are still casual.

The problem is that I've caught feelings. He is gorgeous, funny, very kind. I trust him and feel safe with him. He's considerate, likes to talk and communicate. We have absolutely mindblowing sex - like, beyond amazing. So I suppose it's no surprise that I've started to feel like I want more from him.

But I know that I don't really want more. He's younger than me and we are at different stages in our lives. He wants a wife and kids. I'm menopausal. That's not the only difference between us, but it's the main one. There are also things I don't like about him. He spent two hours one evening monologuing at me about his hobby (I nearly died of boredom) and he can be pedantic at times. He usually has to be right (although he never gaslights or speaks unkindly. He just thinks he's right about basically everything.) So he definitely has faults that annoy me. Also we live about two hours away from one another and I don't want an LTR.

I know he likes and cares about me, but I think if he said he wanted a relationship with me (he doesn't), I'd probably say no. But for whatever reason, I feel so much for him and it's getting to the point now that I feel so sad when I know I won't see him for a while, and I get upset if he doesn't text for a day or so, even though I will often take a couple of days to message him.

I feel like I have to end things because I'm undoubtedly going to get very hurt and there is literally no future for us, unless I'm happy to carry on in this way until it fizzles out. I would miss the sex, which is honestly the best I've ever had, and I doubt it will ever be this good with anyone again. And I would miss his tenderness and his funny, unique way of looking at the world.

Someone talk some sense into me, please! How do I walk away when it's so good between us?

I agree, it's a good opportunity to try to reclaim my peace of mind. And also when he does get in touch again (assuming he does) then the loss of communication is a good reason to say it's time to end things.

Thank you for this really kind and supportive comment. I'm going to come back to this to remind myself to take everything positive I can from this situation. Thank you.

Hi, just an update and request for help! So after some slightly lacklustre messaging for a couple of days, he didn't message me for 4 days and needless to say I was hurt and upset. I didn't think he'd ghost me, honestly. I thought he'd be mature enough to say it wasn't working or say anything really to end it kindly. But no, it was a ghosting.

Then this morning he sent me several messages in a row, the first one saying he was so sorry, he had hurt his hand and couldn't use it so hadn't been able to message.

Obviously bullshit. He could have sent a voice note or asked someone to type out a message for him.

The other messages were all sweet and flirty. As if everything is fine. But it's not fine with me. First he ghosted, then he lied.

But I don't know what to respond. I thought about saying something like, wow that sounds so serious, hope you have a full recovery and no lasting disability. But is it better to say nothing at all? Or be honest and say, this isn't working for me?

Any wise suggestions? It's so tempting to let him away with his lie so I can see him again. But I think that would make me feel terrible in the long run.

I'm so disappointed in him. I thought he was better than this.

Don't bother replying but don't block either.
I find that too aggressive and unnecessary.
This friendship is on its last legs.
Time to put it out of its misery!

Yeah, I don't want to block him, although it probably is the answer.

Not answering is hard, because I have to keep not answering. But then if I answer him, I'm waiting for a response and I'm stuck in a cycle.

I'm just so pissed off and disappointed that he couldn't be real with me. I really deserve better.

I’d send something in reply. Short and sweet, acknowledging ‘the injury’ but keeping it brief will hopefully send a signal you’re not impressed. I mean it’s possible be hurt his hand and he didn’t think to voice note if this is meant to be a casual thing not a relationship.

Thank you. Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I suppose it is possible that it's true. I don't want to be a dick about it. I think I'll just respond to that part of his message and not the rest, though.

Ouch, too late but just in case you haven't replied yet. I'd say I was sorry that he had hurt his hand, hope he gets better soon.

And that you are grateful for the pause , as you have realised that it's not working for you so best to leave it there. And block so he doesn't get round you.

Sorry.

Absolutely agree with PP encouraging you to be grateful for what you have learned and that there is energy in taking control.

I like this a lot! I think Id want to take the bull by the horns and end it kindly but firmly. Its a bit of a “its not you but me” goodbye but that’s not a bad way to close the door. It leaves him with the questions not you.

Honestly, if you think you'd say no if he asked for a relationship, then perhaps you're right that the time is coming to an end. If you feel like you'll hurt regardless then what have you got to lose by being honest with him? Maybe draft a message saying how you're feeling and what's the worst that can happen?

I like this a lot. And it's not too late. I did send a message about his hand but I can still send the one about being grateful for the pause and ending it there.

@pikkumyy77 I agree, I'd prefer an ending where there's no blame or shame. If he is the one left with questions, I think that's okay.

I think you just have to do, casuallysad, gently and kindly of course because he is bound to have feelings for you. However, there doesn't appear to be a future for the pair of you as a committed couple so you have no choice.

Honestly, I do feel for you, you will miss him and grieve. However, it will not last, you'll come to terms with it in time and be able to look back on the relationship with pleasure. I hope the same for him.

Good luck.

Bail OP, bail.

I'm enjoying my situationship of 2 years as neither of us has the feels.

Don't put yourself through the emotional pain.

Good luck.

Well I fucked this up big time!

I sent a sympathetic message about his hand, but didn't respond to other messages. He sent a message back saying, actually it was his left hand he stabbed (he's right handed) but he struggled to use his laptop etc. This pissed me off because in his original message he said he was having to use his left hand to type and that's why he couldn't message. But anyway.

I then sent another message saying, well, the pause has been a good chance to think and maybe we need to end this as it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I realise now that I worded this message terribly, as we ended up in a big conversation and I didn't manage to end anything at all. However, I did say that I was unhappy with the lack of communication and I needed more from him.

Said goodnight, went to sleep, messaged him the next day. He ignored my messages the whole day. So last night I sent another message, which I thought was very positive, saying let's say goodbye, and thanks for the good times etc.

This morning I've woken to a looooong message from him about how it's not fair I haven't told him what I wanted from him, and how it seems like I'm sabotaging something that's really good etc. I messaged back saying, but I told you what I needed from you and you stopped communicating with me. What else can I do?

So... probably I shouldn't even have responded to that. Probably the person who commented early on and said he sounded like her narcissistic ex was right. I'm so disappointed that it turned out this way and now I'm doubting myself, even though I know I've done nothing wrong. I'm not sabotaging anything, am I? He's the one who stopped talking to me. I guess he thinks that me having and expressing my needs is making things difficult. I'm just so sad that my lovely fling turned into this shitshow. Is everyone a fucking narcissist, or just the men I end up dating?

Your posts tell me that you very much want him to declare undying love for you. This isn't likely to happen. What's happening now is that the relationship is ending and it is messy. He's probably cheesed off that you ended it too or rather suggested it. Take a clean break with this if you really want to end it.

Not sure where you are getting that from? Projection, maybe?

What I want him to do is be honest and kind and let me end things on a positive note, rather than acting like I'm a crazy person for having normal needs and feelings.

Projection? No I'm not remotely in your scenario. Why go on the attack? Sadly people don't do what you want or need. I will leave you to it.

Honestly, it really comes across like you aren’t going to end it. Just continue this cycle of trying to push him into some big epiphany where he completely changes. In this case where he declares his love and becomes an amazing partner.

People dont continually do something they don’t want unless they are getting something out it. You are getting something out of prolonging this and the back and forth.

Your messages of ‘maybe we need to end it’ isn’t ending it. ‘Let’s say goodbye thanks for the good times’ isn’t ending it. It’s fishing for him to come back and tell you all the reasons you shouldn’t end it.

You could just tell him it’s over. It’s not working for you and not to reply. Then either ignore him and don’t engage in conversation or block. At least for a bit, so you don’t get drawn in.

And you can’t dictate that he must let you end it on a positive note. If he takes it badly, he takes it badly. He doesn’t need to let you do anything.

You dont get to dictate his feelings about it. But you dont need to engage.

You didn’t mess it up at all. This is entirely salvageable. Just follow up and say something like “ this has run its course, it was lovely but we’re done here now and I don’t want to continue this but I wish you all the best” . Don’t leave it open ended.

If you don’t end it now it’s likely his behaviour will get worse and ultimately he will end it with you. This sounds like a power move on his part. The fact that is ignoring your messageS when it suits him then drawing you into another argument when he feels like it is not a good sign.

It’s not about “fair” you’re allowed to split up with him whether you’ve communicated your needs to him or not. You’re hardly married -you don’t owe him an explanation. let him go and scale back on the drawn out explanations.

I gave my ex an opportunity to change by raising issues with him in person . He responded with tears,and telling me we could be so good if I just gave “us” a chance, so I stopped short of breaking up with him, but a couple of weeks later tried to gain the upper hand by freezing me out, saying I’d upset him again and he didn’t feel able to see me that weekend despite us having a weekend planned. I just told him it we had some great times but it’s clear we were done now . He did reply immediately saying he didn’t want that, but I replied In a neutral way repeating myself that neither was to blame but it wasn’t working anymore and told him this was the last message I was sending so he needn’t bother to reply to me. Thankfully never heard from him since.

I'm not pushing for anything other than a clear ending. Yes I made a bad job of ending things. I said that myself, it's the first thing I said in my update.

I'm not trying to dictate his feelings. He doesn't have any feelings towards me other than rage that I've dared to end it with him.

I didn’t know I needed to say "don't reply" because actually sane, decent people can reply to a break up text and should have the right to say something in response.

My mistake was thinking he was sane and decent.

Oops didn’t meant to quote your whole post lol 😆

I don’t think you do want him to “let you end it.” You don’t need his permission. You just end it and block.

instead you’re trying to manipulate to get a relationship out of him. That’s what you really want. He just wants easy sex. One of you needs to step up here and be honest.

Thank you @Thenewmags that is really helpful and that's what I'll do.

Jesus, fucking hell. No I am not trying to manipulate him to get a relationship out of him. Ffs. Did you read any of my posts? If not, why bother commenting? This is such bullshit.

I wanted easy sex. I wanted a casual relationship. It worked until it didn't. When I tried to end it, things became complicated. I messed up because I didn't realise his true character.