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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Would it be bad if I laugh?" - Am I overreacting?

88 replies

Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 18:44

If you had a conversation like the below, how would you feel? I am seriously questioning things. DBF is quite stressed with work but I don't feel that excuses this kind of attitude, but maybe I'm being too sensitive?

I play an instrument, I really enjoy it (and I'm decent) but I'm shy about performing, bf knows this. He has never heard me play because I'm too shy to do it in front of him. I am due to do a small group performance in front of the public soon which is a big deal for the musicians, and partners or friends usually come to watch.
I asked if he was going to come, at first he said no because he'd rather work, then said he'd maybe come but asked if it's a problem if he laughs at us. As it's a serious performance I said yes that really wouldn't be nice. He asked what face I make when I play and he did some silly impressions. He then said maybe he'd come but asked if it's bad if he just doesn't want to.

I just don't feel like giving up 20 minutes to see your partner perform something they love is really a big deal in a warm, caring relationship. I want to support and cheer my friends/family/partners on when they do something that requires effort and/or talent. I feel like this is really telling of his general attitude and has given me a peek "below the surface" into what's in store for the future

OP posts:
DoIOrNot · 08/12/2023 18:46

Well he sounds like a terrible BF. A partner is supposed to be supportive!
Have you been together long?

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 18:47

Is ‘BF’ your boyfriend or your best friend? I’m guessing it’s he former, as you said ‘partner’? Is he generally supportive? As he sounds like an utter dickhead from this post.

HorseySurprise · 08/12/2023 18:47

Yes, I wouldn't be impressed - there's something very contemptuous about his reaction. Tell him not to bother coming and then dump him.

heldinadream · 08/12/2023 18:49

OK so your shyness is defensive, you're scared of not being 'good enough' and his offhand jokiness may well be similarly defensive in that he might be scared that he won't like it and that he'll feel bad for you.
I don't know if it's this, but just offering you an alternative narrative possibility OP.

I hope it goes well. You might feel better about playing if he's not there. And that's OK you know.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:50

Your partner is meant to be your cheerleader and your supporter. They're meant to make you feel good about the things you love doing, and make you feel more confident, not less. His attitude is rotten and it can't be excused by work stress.

SpringleDingle · 08/12/2023 18:51

He’s a douche according my way less shitty boyfriend. Dump this wanker, there are far better ones out there!

Decimbir · 08/12/2023 18:52

Unless the instrument is something objectively funny (a kazoo?), then yeah that’s hurtful. I’d give him a chance to explain and apologise if it seemed out of character, sometimes people do say the wrong thing and then just get stuck digging.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:52

And you're not overreacting. This is 100% a dumpable offence.

CryptoFascist · 08/12/2023 18:52

How old are you both? Please tell me he's no older than 23.

platinumplus · 08/12/2023 18:54

He sounds like an immature, uncultured idiot.

However I feel you need to tell us what instrument you play as that may alter the answers...

TomeTome · 08/12/2023 18:54

I think that’s really not very nice at all.

Lifeinlists · 08/12/2023 18:54

Tell him to grow up. Or find a new boyfriend. I don't think this will end well.

JoanMacIntosh · 08/12/2023 18:58

He sounds like a prick. Get a new boyfriend.

Supersimkin2 · 08/12/2023 19:00

Nasty.

furtivetussling · 08/12/2023 19:00

Your partner is supposed to be your biggest fan, but he's an immature twat.

Grendell · 08/12/2023 19:00

You are both projecting out insecurity.
You are prepared to embarrass yourself and he is prepared to be embarrassed on your behalf and for himself.

Ideally, you would develop confidence in your musical skills and project confidence and "isn't this cool" vibes.
He could then pick up on that. If he doesn't, then he is a jealous twat.

Gnomegnomegnome · 08/12/2023 19:03

The fact that you are anxious to do it in front of him in the first place speaks volumes.

Ffsnotaconference · 08/12/2023 19:04

He absolutely should go.

I would go. However, I wouldn’t want to if it my most recent dp. I know his anxiety would be through the roof and worse if I am there. I would hate having to lie if it didn’t go well. definitely wouldn’t be honest if it went badly. I know if it went badly, it would be worse for him with me there rather than just people he doesn’t know or hardly knows.

However, I tend to really over think things and worst case scenarios. But I would go and I wouldn’t have told him I didn’t want to.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/12/2023 19:08

He sounds like an absolute knobhead.

Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 19:08

Grendell · 08/12/2023 19:00

You are both projecting out insecurity.
You are prepared to embarrass yourself and he is prepared to be embarrassed on your behalf and for himself.

Ideally, you would develop confidence in your musical skills and project confidence and "isn't this cool" vibes.
He could then pick up on that. If he doesn't, then he is a jealous twat.

If I can't be honest and vulnerable with him then what's the point in being together? I'm happy to play in a group and do it twice a week, I've never told him I think I'm bad because I don't think I am, but maybe he is assuming that and maybe he doesn't want to be embarrassed of me

OP posts:
Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 19:09

CryptoFascist · 08/12/2023 18:52

How old are you both? Please tell me he's no older than 23.

Brace yourself... he's 36

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 08/12/2023 19:11

Ugh. Tell him to fuck off OP

PurpleBugz · 08/12/2023 19:11

I wonder why you are nervous to play in front of him? It's his attitude. Terrible boyfriend I'd be upset about it too. Do you have kids together? If not I'd end it over this if it were me.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 08/12/2023 19:12

Life is too short to be with a complete arsehole.

Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 19:15

PurpleBugz · 08/12/2023 19:11

I wonder why you are nervous to play in front of him? It's his attitude. Terrible boyfriend I'd be upset about it too. Do you have kids together? If not I'd end it over this if it were me.

I'm just nervous to play on my own (my brother used to be very critical about everything I did) but I'm fine in a group and don't really get scared before performances. No kids, we have been together about 6 months and I feel like I'm seeing his true colours

OP posts: