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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Would it be bad if I laugh?" - Am I overreacting?

88 replies

Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 18:44

If you had a conversation like the below, how would you feel? I am seriously questioning things. DBF is quite stressed with work but I don't feel that excuses this kind of attitude, but maybe I'm being too sensitive?

I play an instrument, I really enjoy it (and I'm decent) but I'm shy about performing, bf knows this. He has never heard me play because I'm too shy to do it in front of him. I am due to do a small group performance in front of the public soon which is a big deal for the musicians, and partners or friends usually come to watch.
I asked if he was going to come, at first he said no because he'd rather work, then said he'd maybe come but asked if it's a problem if he laughs at us. As it's a serious performance I said yes that really wouldn't be nice. He asked what face I make when I play and he did some silly impressions. He then said maybe he'd come but asked if it's bad if he just doesn't want to.

I just don't feel like giving up 20 minutes to see your partner perform something they love is really a big deal in a warm, caring relationship. I want to support and cheer my friends/family/partners on when they do something that requires effort and/or talent. I feel like this is really telling of his general attitude and has given me a peek "below the surface" into what's in store for the future

OP posts:
whatausername · 08/12/2023 19:18

Even if someone did pull an odd face during a musical performance, who would sit there and laugh!? Does he have a lot of anxiety himself? If not then he is a) an arsehole and b) not worth your time.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/12/2023 19:19

As with many 'Am I being unreasonable or is my partner being horrible?' threads, I find it hard to believe that he is otherwise a good and kind boyfriend, if this is the way he talks to you about this particular matter.

pictoosh · 08/12/2023 19:21

Yes you are, you're seeing his true colours.
He's not a man to boost and cherish you. He's a man who prefers you to doubt yourself.

He asked you what face you make when you play because he wanted to ridicule you. Not a keeper.

Surryqueen · 08/12/2023 19:26

Reading this I do feel for you and I think he's not being nice.

However...

If I'm being absolutely honest.. if it was my partner, I would laugh too.

PangoPurrl · 08/12/2023 19:26

I'm wondering if you're a drummer OP? As I drum and really do pull some ridiculous faces. Unintentionally of course! Nothing else I can think of to defend him in any way though, agree with general consensus that he isn't a decent guy/partner.

Specso · 08/12/2023 19:28

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/12/2023 19:19

As with many 'Am I being unreasonable or is my partner being horrible?' threads, I find it hard to believe that he is otherwise a good and kind boyfriend, if this is the way he talks to you about this particular matter.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Every single ‘am I being unreasonable’ re partner thread is the same.

He takes the piss out of me, mocks or dismisses my feelings/achievements, never initiates intimacy or pays me a compliment, can’t be arsed to look up from his phone to listen to me, shouts at me and calls me a (insert nasty name)..but otherwise he’s a wonderful man and we have a great relationship.

It baffles me that people actually think this when he’s very clearly a twat or utterly clueless about relationships at best.

He’s taking the piss about something important to you that he knows you feel insecure about. He’s also saying he can’t really be arsed to go at all with no regard for how that might make you feel. That is not how you treat someone you love. Not ok.

Original poster
Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 19:29

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/12/2023 19:19

As with many 'Am I being unreasonable or is my partner being horrible?' threads, I find it hard to believe that he is otherwise a good and kind boyfriend, if this is the way he talks to you about this particular matter.

I think it might be a classic case of someone seeming great for the first few months and then they feel comfortable enough to show the real them. He started off warm and kind but I'm beginning to think he might actually be a dick

OP posts:
Saschka · 08/12/2023 19:29

Dump him. What kind of weird freak would laugh out loud during a musical performance? How embarrassing. I wouldn’t want to take him anywhere in case he showed me up.

ScottChegg · 08/12/2023 19:32

PangoPurrl · 08/12/2023 19:26

I'm wondering if you're a drummer OP? As I drum and really do pull some ridiculous faces. Unintentionally of course! Nothing else I can think of to defend him in any way though, agree with general consensus that he isn't a decent guy/partner.

Is it possible not to? I was watching a video of Chad Smith last night and he was pulling some daft faces! I reckon if it's alright for him it's alright for anyone. 😁

Original poster
Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 19:34

PangoPurrl · 08/12/2023 19:26

I'm wondering if you're a drummer OP? As I drum and really do pull some ridiculous faces. Unintentionally of course! Nothing else I can think of to defend him in any way though, agree with general consensus that he isn't a decent guy/partner.

I'm not but I dated one once and I used to like his faces! Drummers work bloody hard and he was very passionate

OP posts:
mommatoone · 08/12/2023 19:35

He sounds like a knob. Play your heart out OP, and be bloody proud of yourself. You dont need validation from someone like that. Despite your nerves, i bet You will feel amazing once you have done it. Good luck x

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 08/12/2023 19:35

Sorry but anyone who would go to a performance planning to laugh at the people playing is a twat.
Even if those people were the worst (and I absolutely not saying you are @Sera1989 ) he would still be a prick.

Im afraid you’re right. He is showing you his true colours 😢😢 Listen to him.

Lindy2 · 08/12/2023 19:39

Yes, I'd say you are seeing his true colours and they aren't good.

He's OK with surface level commitment as long as that fits in with what he wants to do. Anything that means he has to prioritise someone else or their feelings isn't on his agenda.

Thats why he's 36 and only in a 6 month long relationship.

If you want anything more involved than a surface level relationship move on now. This man is not a good long term partner or potential father, if you are thinking of having children in the future.

DerekFaker · 08/12/2023 19:45

Surryqueen · 08/12/2023 19:26

Reading this I do feel for you and I think he's not being nice.

However...

If I'm being absolutely honest.. if it was my partner, I would laugh too.

Would you? Why?

GentlemanJay · 08/12/2023 19:52

I have a musical background in education. I'd be absolutely furious if I got this reaction from my partner. Sounds incredibly immature to me.

MasterBeth · 08/12/2023 19:53

He sounds like a dick but you sound tiresomely falsely modest. You admit you're a decent musician but you won't play in front of him, even in private. If you had ever done so, this wouldn't even be an issue

GentlemanJay · 08/12/2023 19:55

I'd be as proud of punch of you. I'd take you out for food after, as a well done celebration.

whatausername · 08/12/2023 20:04

@Specso is spot on.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 08/12/2023 20:06

Surryqueen · 08/12/2023 19:26

Reading this I do feel for you and I think he's not being nice.

However...

If I'm being absolutely honest.. if it was my partner, I would laugh too.

Id like to know too what you would be laughing at?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2023 20:11

He sounds like an immature, uncultured idiot.

Couldn't have put it any clearer than that.

Brace yourself... he's 36

Come on now, op. He's a fucking dimwit. Get rid of this twat.

cannaecookrisotto · 08/12/2023 20:18

Chuck this one back in the sea.

He sounds like an absolute mindless cunt and you deserve someone who will turn up to your performance without even being asked and supporting you.

DerekFaker · 08/12/2023 20:34

MasterBeth · 08/12/2023 19:53

He sounds like a dick but you sound tiresomely falsely modest. You admit you're a decent musician but you won't play in front of him, even in private. If you had ever done so, this wouldn't even be an issue

What? No she doesn't! You can be talented and still not like performing in front of people/get nervous.

And no, she did NOT bring that shitty reaction on herself. That's all on him. I suspect she already had an inkling of how he would act.

"Oh you've never performed in front of me before so I'm going to laugh at you" said no-one ever.

pictoosh · 08/12/2023 20:43

"I think it might be a classic case of someone seeming great for the first few months and then they feel comfortable enough to show the real them. He started off warm and kind but I'm beginning to think he might actually be a dick."

Do yourself a solid and and break it off.

RadRad · 08/12/2023 20:44

OP why do you have to ask? Clearly the guy is an idiot and needs to grow up, but why do you need the validation from a bunch of strangers on the internet, don’t question your feelings or your gut, just trust them x

fulawitt · 08/12/2023 21:14

He knows that you are shy to death and that it would kill you if you made one false note... If I were a clever boyfriend I would say that I am not interested and I would not come just to lower the level of stress for you It's your first, and perhaps I would be there anonymously and I would record you to show you that it was not that bad. Would you be able to play if he were there looking at you from beginning to finish ? Honestly ?

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