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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Would it be bad if I laugh?" - Am I overreacting?

88 replies

Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 18:44

If you had a conversation like the below, how would you feel? I am seriously questioning things. DBF is quite stressed with work but I don't feel that excuses this kind of attitude, but maybe I'm being too sensitive?

I play an instrument, I really enjoy it (and I'm decent) but I'm shy about performing, bf knows this. He has never heard me play because I'm too shy to do it in front of him. I am due to do a small group performance in front of the public soon which is a big deal for the musicians, and partners or friends usually come to watch.
I asked if he was going to come, at first he said no because he'd rather work, then said he'd maybe come but asked if it's a problem if he laughs at us. As it's a serious performance I said yes that really wouldn't be nice. He asked what face I make when I play and he did some silly impressions. He then said maybe he'd come but asked if it's bad if he just doesn't want to.

I just don't feel like giving up 20 minutes to see your partner perform something they love is really a big deal in a warm, caring relationship. I want to support and cheer my friends/family/partners on when they do something that requires effort and/or talent. I feel like this is really telling of his general attitude and has given me a peek "below the surface" into what's in store for the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Sera1989 · 08/12/2023 21:50

RadRad · 08/12/2023 20:44

OP why do you have to ask? Clearly the guy is an idiot and needs to grow up, but why do you need the validation from a bunch of strangers on the internet, don’t question your feelings or your gut, just trust them x

My parents both had big issues and a terrible relationship so unfortunately even at this age it can be a struggle to trust my gut when I had such bad role models for relationships as a kid. So I'm really thankful for the validation, MN is so useful for people like me

OP posts:
Rec0veringAcademic · 08/12/2023 21:54

You deserve better. This is a very immature guy, playing at your insecurities. Throw him back.

mambojambodothetango · 08/12/2023 21:55

He doesn't deserve you. Six months in, I'd give up and enjoy your instrument on your own.

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 08/12/2023 22:07

I imagine he's not very skilled at anything - has never really applied himself to attain any kind of level of expertise, and he's basically jealous of your talent and dedication so needs to bring you down. People who are secure in themselves and fulfilled have no need or desire to bring those around them down.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 22:34

You are dating a complete knob. He doesn't have your back, he's not on your side and he doesn't seem to like you I'm afraid. I don't think that's a bad thing. Who wants a knob to like them?

Snowdogsmitten · 08/12/2023 22:42

OP, he’s substandard. What a horrible shit he is. I’m glad you’re only six months in.

Good luck with your performance. People adore listening to music be performed live, it gives us shivers and is very compelling. Remember that and enjoy every second of it.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 08/12/2023 22:46

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like much fun or very nice.

You know what you need to do.

Seaoftroubles · 08/12/2023 22:55

You are definitely seeing his true colours OP. He sounds incredibly childish and immature and really nasty in threatening to laugh at you. No wonder you've been too shy to play in front of him previously. Definitely dump him, you sound lovely and deserve so much better than this pathetic specimen.

ComorosPearl · 08/12/2023 22:55

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 08/12/2023 22:07

I imagine he's not very skilled at anything - has never really applied himself to attain any kind of level of expertise, and he's basically jealous of your talent and dedication so needs to bring you down. People who are secure in themselves and fulfilled have no need or desire to bring those around them down.

Perfectly said! This is it.

UsingChangeofName · 08/12/2023 23:37

I just don't feel like giving up 20 minutes to see your partner perform something they love is really a big deal in a warm, caring relationship. I want to support and cheer my friends/family/partners on when they do something that requires effort and/or talent.

I mean, it's not going to be 20mins though is it ?

Not that that excuses the ridiculous comments, but I am another who thinks it odd you don't practice / play at home because you are too shy, or nervous, but then want him to watch you perform in public.

ILostMy20s · 09/12/2023 01:02

Something about this post has really touched me. He sounds a total bellend, and probably the sort of individual who was a bully back in his school days and made fun of certain kids for having "uncool" hobbies or whatever.

Nobody should belittle your interests and things you're passionate about, particularly not a partner. Even if it's not something that particularly interests them, it takes zero effort to show a bit of interest in something that matters to your partner, and to take pride in their skills and achievements. It honestly shocks me that some people lack the basic people skills to be even capable of that, and yet are somehow able to form relationships.

Please leave this tool, and make it obvious that his reaction to this was a big part of the reason why. I would say hopefully the message gets through his thick skull, but if he's got to the age of 36, and he's still this obnoxious, there's probably very little hope for him.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2023 01:11

You've only been together six months and he's already said he will laugh at you in public. That is the kind of man who will belittle you until you have no self esteem left. You want to end up a shell of yourself? Of course not, so get rid of the nasty contemptuous excuse for a human being.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 01:25

Anywhere between 3- 6 months the mask can slip and you realise you are dating a wanker. You've seen the best of him until now. A genuinely nice man maintains it, he's showing you it was all a facade unfortunately. It can happen, then you know its best to get out of the relationship asap, this is probably the start of his downward spiral.

NoNoNadaNo · 09/12/2023 01:46

Leave him. But if you do stay with him, please do not have children with this man. My father was like this, it makes you a shell of a person.

EssAyyBee · 09/12/2023 01:53

Call me oversensitive BUT i always find things that are said like this, always show a very unkind side of someone. May be extreme but if I was throwing up in hospital or in labour and looked 'a bit funny' are you going to feel different towards me or bring it up and laugh... i dont know, it doesnt sit well with me. Partners are supposed to be thick and thin and from my experience of really really loving someone, nothing they were passionate about would be unimportant to me.

LaurieStrode · 09/12/2023 02:03

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2023 01:11

You've only been together six months and he's already said he will laugh at you in public. That is the kind of man who will belittle you until you have no self esteem left. You want to end up a shell of yourself? Of course not, so get rid of the nasty contemptuous excuse for a human being.

This.

Why on earth would you waste your time with this asshole?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2023 02:05

"Would it be bad if I laugh?"

There is a certain class of person who asks a certain class of question. If you ever hear a question and think, 'one answer I'm a mug and the other I'm a pride/humourless/mean' you've met a certain type of wanker.

I like to 'notice' this. let them know that good people don't ask questions that require the other person to choose to be terrible things. See also:

Do you mind if I go to Thailand three weeks with single male friends?
Do you mind if I sleep in the same bed as my female friend?
Do you want to do [weird sex thing]?

The answer to all these question's, including "Would it be bad if I laugh?" is "are you fucking serious, wanker?".

workandwork · 09/12/2023 02:19

He's an immature insecure dickhead.

All the best for the performance. I hope you can leave the idiot before then, but if not Merry Christmas!

DatingDinosaur · 09/12/2023 02:19

“but maybe he is assuming that and maybe he doesn't want to be embarrassed of me”

Or maybe he’s just a thoughtless, insensitive prick with a heart of stone.

“we have been together about 6 months and I feel like I'm seeing his true colours”

Yep. I think you are.

RantyAnty · 09/12/2023 02:27

Maybe ask him next time you have sex if it's ok to laugh at him.

CurlewKate · 09/12/2023 04:43

Anyone who has responded somehow making it the OP's fault should be ashamed. She is NOT responsible for her shit boyfriend's feelings. He is.

WandaWonder · 09/12/2023 04:46

Yes he sounds like a prat but this constant needing reassuring and 'oh I am not good enough tell me I am' feeling is also really annoying

So if you want to play then play

Original poster
Sera1989 · 09/12/2023 10:29

WandaWonder · 09/12/2023 04:46

Yes he sounds like a prat but this constant needing reassuring and 'oh I am not good enough tell me I am' feeling is also really annoying

So if you want to play then play

I've never asked anyone for reassurance about my playing, I just find playing on my own scary so I only play in front of an audience in a group. I don't need him to praise me, I just wanted him to care enough to turn up (but not if he's going to laugh at musicians)

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 10:35

He sounds like a complete arsehole

Please dump

Mumofteenandtween · 09/12/2023 10:42

theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 10:35

He sounds like a complete arsehole

Please dump

8 words that sum up the situation perfectly.