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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help I’m in deep shit re sister’s wedding

92 replies

Confusedandhurt9 · 02/12/2023 19:34

I am originally Indian. I am divorced. My sister is marrying her fiancée in India next year. I am dating a man for 3 years now and I invited his mother to the wedding. My sister invited her friend to my wedding and I didn’t care. She now isn’t talking to me and said that my bf’s mom can’t come because they don’t know her. My parents are paying for this wedding and my sister isn’t paying a penny, nor is her fiancée. I cannot uninvite my bf’s mother as that’s rude and I’m really not keen to shake our relationship like this. What do I do? I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird. Her fiancée messaged me saying the mom can’t come.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 02/12/2023 19:37

Just tell her that they’ve reviewed the numbers and unfortunately she missed the cut , it’s a bit odd inviting your boyfriends mum to a wedding of people that she has never met and is not related to in any way .

SBHon · 02/12/2023 19:37

I’m thinking this is a cultural thing I won’t understand, not being Indian?

Because I couldn’t in a million years imagine inviting anyone to someone else’s wedding.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 19:38

Just because you didn't care who came to your wedding doesn't mean they don't. It's a mess of a situation because there is incredible rudeness from every direction, unfortunately.

Lougle · 02/12/2023 19:38

I think you were in the wrong to invite someone to your sister's wedding - the invite list isn't yours.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/12/2023 19:40

Inviting someone else along to a wedding without asking is beyond rude.

I can see why she’s pissed.

Echobelly · 02/12/2023 19:40

Tell her you're really sorry you got ahead of yourself, you didn't realise that they are not having people invited by others coming along (I can only assume this is a cultural norm for you, though it's not one I've heard of).

CormorantStrikesBack · 02/12/2023 19:40

Just tell her that a numbers issue means she can’t attend the actual wedding. Could she still come to India with you?

ElevenSeven · 02/12/2023 19:40

Why on earth did you invite your boyfriend’s mother to your sisters wedding? Your sister sounds just as odd, but had you at least met the friend she brought?

Just tell her you got it wrong; they’re having a small wedding and numbers are restricted.

theduchessofspork · 02/12/2023 19:41

Floralnomad · 02/12/2023 19:37

Just tell her that they’ve reviewed the numbers and unfortunately she missed the cut , it’s a bit odd inviting your boyfriends mum to a wedding of people that she has never met and is not related to in any way .

This

You cannot invite people to other people’s weddings.

Stop being weird.

SamW98 · 02/12/2023 19:47

SBHon · 02/12/2023 19:37

I’m thinking this is a cultural thing I won’t understand, not being Indian?

Because I couldn’t in a million years imagine inviting anyone to someone else’s wedding.

This. I can’t imagine inviting someone to a wedding then calling the bride cruel and weird for not facilitating the unwelcome guest.

You don’t have any choice but to tell your bf mum she can’t go. Maybe it’s a lesson to check first before issuing unsolicited invites to other people’s weddings.

StrictlyJowita · 02/12/2023 19:48

You cannot invite people to other people’s weddings.

You definitely can in some cultures.

Blondebutnotlegally · 02/12/2023 19:53

I think everyone is being very unempathetic to the different cultural norms. Because of this, maybe posting here wasn't your best bet as its not the etiquette here to invite someone to someone else's wedding.

lunar1 · 02/12/2023 19:58

I've been with my Indian husband for 17 years now. If there is one thing I've learned it's to expect extra guests at every event. My husband's sister invited random people to our wedding.

DH is Hindu, and among him and his massive circle or friends/family there has never been such a thing as a finite guest list for anything!

ColleenDonaghy · 02/12/2023 20:04

What culture is the mum from? If she's Indian it might be a bit more awkward but it doesn't sound like she is? If she's British (or Irish) she'll fully understand if you say you were mistaken and she's not actually invited. Probably be relieved at not having to travel long haul for a wedding when she doesn't know the bride and groom! It'll be fine, just be honest with her.

therealcookiemonster · 02/12/2023 20:07

your sister is being weird. in fact if you are in a serious relationship (which I assume you are given you invited your partner's mum) your parents and sister should have personally invited her. unless the sister's fiancé is from a very conservative family, but pretty much most people accept boyfriends now in india/Bangladesh - its pretty common.

ps to the non Indians here, I can understand you will probably have the opposite view. but in South Asian weddings we literally invite everyone- and guests might come with their entire families. and inviting future in laws of siblings is a must.

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 20:08

This is really odd. As others have said it must be cultural because most people wouldn’t dream of inviting someone to someone else’s wedding!!

if I was your boyfriends mum I wouldn’t go unless I received the invitation. It’s a very long way for her to travel for a wedding she hasn’t been invited to and doesn’t know the bride and groom. Are you sure she even wants to go? Would she be staying with your family? Have your parents invited her and are they happy to host her?

Viviennemary · 02/12/2023 20:34

It isn't usually invite people to somebody else's wedding. If your parents are paying for the wedding ask them to sort it out with your sister. I think it would be rude to uninvite her though you had no business inviting her in the first place

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/12/2023 20:38

Is your sister's wedding unusually small? My DH is Indian origin and on his side of the family weddings vary between huge and bloody massive and there's always extra seats for unexpected guests. His sister's wedding was on the small side, being only 600 ish people.

I think people calling it rude to invite someone to someone else's wedding don't really understand Indian weddings. We were on holiday in India and one of DH's colleagues happened to be there for his cousin's wedding and we were invited too, which would never happen at a European wedding.

User56785 · 02/12/2023 20:43

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 20:08

This is really odd. As others have said it must be cultural because most people wouldn’t dream of inviting someone to someone else’s wedding!!

if I was your boyfriends mum I wouldn’t go unless I received the invitation. It’s a very long way for her to travel for a wedding she hasn’t been invited to and doesn’t know the bride and groom. Are you sure she even wants to go? Would she be staying with your family? Have your parents invited her and are they happy to host her?

So it isn't odd then. Confused

I think it's odd that people must not have travelled or have friends from other countries. Or even have read books or watched films.

LittleGreenDragons · 02/12/2023 20:46

I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird.

Actually you are the one coming across as weird. Very weird. 😬

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2023 20:49

StrictlyJowita · 02/12/2023 19:48

You cannot invite people to other people’s weddings.

You definitely can in some cultures.

Yes. I have been to Indian weddings, two being the sisters of a guy who was a colleague of my husband! He invited us and said if we wanted to bring our parents, we could. All sorts of people came to the weddings I attended, it is quite usual - the more the merrier.

Obviously, in the case of the op's sister it is not the usual - which is unusual. I wonder if the sister does not approve of op's boyfriend/family.

I don't quite know how you are going to get out of this, op. I see that others have made suggestions but it is awkward for you now. Good luck.

LittleGreenDragons · 02/12/2023 20:52

After reading some of the other posts maybe you would have a better response posting in a different forum

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/south-asian-mumsnetters

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/12/2023 20:52

Dd age 8 was invited to an Indian wedding in Hyderabad by the mother of her school friend, I by extension was also invited as she obviously couldn’t go alone. I’d never met the bride or anyone from the family and when I said so and asked if she was was sure it was ok, to the Mum she laughed and said “it’s fine! anyone can come!”

We couldn’t go in the end but I really wish we could have 🇮🇳

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/12/2023 20:52

TBH the easiest way out might be for you not to be able to go for some reason. Then, quite naturally, neither your partner nor his mother would go. It would be a shame to miss your sister's wedding, but it seems that she doesn't like you much at the moment anyway if she's not prepared to talk to you about issues.

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 20:56

User56785 · 02/12/2023 20:43

So it isn't odd then. Confused

I think it's odd that people must not have travelled or have friends from other countries. Or even have read books or watched films.

Show quote history

I have travelled and read a lot of books. Although I haven’t been to India. It is odd in this culture to invite people to a wedding that isn’t yours. Clearly is this instance OP should have checked with her sister because it wasn’t okay - for whatever reason

Assuming OP and her boyfriends mother live in Uk I wouldn’t travel thousands of miles to attend a wedding if people I have never met and am not related to.

I am not uneducated, I just find it odd. Perhaps it was a poor choice of words - unusual in this culture? But OP has posted it on mumsnet to have a chat about it. No need to be nasty and superior.