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Original poster

Please help I’m in deep shit re sister’s wedding

92 replies

Confusedandhurt9 · 02/12/2023 19:34

I am originally Indian. I am divorced. My sister is marrying her fiancée in India next year. I am dating a man for 3 years now and I invited his mother to the wedding. My sister invited her friend to my wedding and I didn’t care. She now isn’t talking to me and said that my bf’s mom can’t come because they don’t know her. My parents are paying for this wedding and my sister isn’t paying a penny, nor is her fiancée. I cannot uninvite my bf’s mother as that’s rude and I’m really not keen to shake our relationship like this. What do I do? I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird. Her fiancée messaged me saying the mom can’t come.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 02/12/2023 21:03

This sounds like a cultural clash. no British person would be ever bring her boyfriends uninvited mom to a wedding. This said you can tell the mom your sister decided to change the venue and has realised it fits less people than she thought, the sister has had to reduce the number of guests and has asked she only wants her and the fiancée close family. Tell the mom how upset you feel with your sister because of this. I don’t think you’re telling any lies here, it’s the closest thing to the truth right?

User56785 · 02/12/2023 21:11

No need to be nasty and superior.

That's my whole point! There is no need to be nasty and superior. That's why I don't think people should post

'This is really odd'

and

'most people wouldn't dream of inviting someone to somebody else's wedding'

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 21:26

User56785 · 02/12/2023 21:11

No need to be nasty and superior.

That's my whole point! There is no need to be nasty and superior. That's why I don't think people should post

'This is really odd'

and

'most people wouldn't dream of inviting someone to somebody else's wedding'

It is unusual in my culture. I concede that is what I should have said.

however I did not accuse OP of never having travelled or read a book!

so let’s agree to differ - have a great night.

savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 21:43

*It is unusual in my culture. I concede that is what I should have said.

however I did not accuse OP of never having travelled or read a book!

so let’s agree to differ - have a great night.*

It's you @User56785 was saying must not have travelled, not the OP.

As you said most people wouldn't dream of inviting extra people to a wedding. It's completely normal in some places.

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 21:53

savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 21:43

*It is unusual in my culture. I concede that is what I should have said.

however I did not accuse OP of never having travelled or read a book!

so let’s agree to differ - have a great night.*

It's you @User56785 was saying must not have travelled, not the OP.

As you said most people wouldn't dream of inviting extra people to a wedding. It's completely normal in some places.

Yes I understand that it was being me
who was being insulted as untraveled and uneducated! That wasn’t the point I was making.

I deeply regret joining this chat - everyone seems to be very spiky!!!. I hope OP gets it sorted and isn’t too embarrassed with her boyfriends mum.

ActDottie · 02/12/2023 21:57

I find it so odd that

  1. you invited someone else to someone else’s wedding
  2. you thought it was appropriate to invite your bf’s mum???

Sorry I find the whole thing weird.

Lampzade · 02/12/2023 21:58

StrictlyJowita · 02/12/2023 19:48

You cannot invite people to other people’s weddings.

You definitely can in some cultures.

I went to a Nigerian wedding where it is quite common to invite others to someone else’s wedding.
I just find it strange that you would invite your bf’s mother to your sister’s wedding.
As another font said. Just tell bf’s mother that the numbers have been reviewed

Mirabai · 02/12/2023 22:00

It’s an Indian wedding. This is not abnormal peeps.

OP - talk to your parents, they can deal with your sister.

It’s unfortunate but it’s done now and you can’t uninvite the poor auntie.

Canisaysomething · 02/12/2023 22:04

My mum’s been to 3 day long Indian weddings of work colleague’s children she’s never even met. They aren’t the same as UK weddings. I think anyone not knowing the culture is going to struggle to recommend how you get around this without offending anyone further OP.

Mirabai · 02/12/2023 22:05

500 guests is normal.

saraclara · 02/12/2023 22:13

Interestingly one of the panel on The Kitchen Cabinet on radio 4 this morning was taking about such weddings. She's Indian too, and she was saying how huge they are, and that you don't need an invitation. If you hear of a wedding, you just go! That brought a chuckle from the audience. I've also been invited/encouraged, to a few Indian weddings of people I didn't expect an invitation from. They just seen to be 'the more the merrier' events.

So yes, Sis's reaction seems a very unusual response in her culture

declutteringmymind · 02/12/2023 22:15

Totally normal. Although one of my Dad's sisters actually printed invitations to our wedding as my Dad hadn't given her enough for her in-laws. We were trying to keep it down to 900 due to fire regs at the venue.

Did your sis say you MIL could come or did you assume.

If the former then give your sister the number to call and uninvite. If the latter then you will need to appeal to your sister, or her fiancée's better nature - I'd say 'I'll try and put her off but I can't uninvite her, it will really help if you could make this allowance and I'm sorry I assumed you would be ok with it.

Don't lie to your future MIL about the situation though. If you have to explain that your sister is being a bit of brat and you've tried your best, she will appreciate the honesty.

AnneElliott · 02/12/2023 22:22

Definitely a cultural thing and this wouldn't be unusual at Indian weddings. I'm white but have been to loads of Indian weddings as many of my school friends were Indian.

Certainly the in laws of a sister of the bride would normally be invited. Is there an issue about you not being married? Some traditional families might take issue with that?

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 22:38

At my NDN's wedding there were 2,000 (two thousand, in case you thought I'd accidentally added a 0) guests. In the OP's culture it is her sister who is being weird/unfriendly/different.

PosyPrettyToes · 02/12/2023 22:46

Is your sister having an Indian wedding? If so, it’s odd she’s said no - all the ones I’ve been to have had hundreds of people and a more the merrier guest list. Do you think it has something to do with her not approving of your divorce/boyfriend?

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2023 22:47

Why on earth did you do such a thing? Because she did the same to you? You aren’t the same person, did you not realise she would react poorly to you inviting a randomer to her wedding? I understand from friends that Indian weddings are generally huge, everyone is invited, but surely it’s still up to those getting married?

CustardySergeant · 02/12/2023 22:50

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 22:38

At my NDN's wedding there were 2,000 (two thousand, in case you thought I'd accidentally added a 0) guests. In the OP's culture it is her sister who is being weird/unfriendly/different.

I find this extra mind-blowing, because I only know 2 people and I'm married to one of them. I do realise I'm at the other extreme though.

CatMandarin · 02/12/2023 22:53

Who pays to feed thousands of people and what if they aren't loaded?

MiddleParking · 02/12/2023 22:58

Yes I’d also love to know how the catering works, and the booze!!

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 23:03

CustardySergeant · 02/12/2023 22:50

I find this extra mind-blowing, because I only know 2 people and I'm married to one of them. I do realise I'm at the other extreme though.

Show quote history

Well to answer @CatMandarin they are loaded so that wasn't an issue, but families start saving for the wedding even before they have kids.

The thing is that they don't know all of them, and it's not just because people bring friends and relatives. If you buy a paper every morning and you always bump into the same man - he has to be invited. Someone came to give you a quote for cleaning your gutters, they have to be invited. My family has a phrase for that sort of relationship (though I'm white and also in the probably properly only know about 30 people category). 'Our cat ran up your alley'.

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 23:04

MiddleParking · 02/12/2023 22:58

Yes I’d also love to know how the catering works, and the booze!!

No booze! Muslim so no alcohol allowed. That cuts the bill down a bit.

CatMandarin · 02/12/2023 23:10

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 23:03

Well to answer @CatMandarin they are loaded so that wasn't an issue, but families start saving for the wedding even before they have kids.

The thing is that they don't know all of them, and it's not just because people bring friends and relatives. If you buy a paper every morning and you always bump into the same man - he has to be invited. Someone came to give you a quote for cleaning your gutters, they have to be invited. My family has a phrase for that sort of relationship (though I'm white and also in the probably properly only know about 30 people category). 'Our cat ran up your alley'.

Show quote history

Is it the parents of the bride and groom who pay for it? Or just the bride's parents? Surely there are families who don't earn enough to save for years to fund a massive wedding?

Copperoliverbear · 02/12/2023 23:11

I would not go myself, if she wasn't talking to me and was being so horrible to me, I just would not go.

CatMandarin · 02/12/2023 23:12

CatMandarin · 02/12/2023 23:10

Is it the parents of the bride and groom who pay for it? Or just the bride's parents? Surely there are families who don't earn enough to save for years to fund a massive wedding?

Show quote history

Or weddings I should say if more than one child.

MelsMoneyTree · 02/12/2023 23:12

Is your bf Indian? Have you explained to him that your DSIS doesn't want people she doesn't know at the wedding? Because I'd be drafting him in to help explain to his DM why she was invited and now isn't. Since it's his mum, he might have a better idea on how to rescind the invitation.
I understand why you thought it would be fine. I've been invited to a few Indian weddings over the years. But maybe your DSIS thinks if you bring along your bf's dm, people will be asking who she is and the focus will shift from her relationship and marriage - to your relationship.