Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help I’m in deep shit re sister’s wedding

92 replies

Confusedandhurt9 · 02/12/2023 19:34

I am originally Indian. I am divorced. My sister is marrying her fiancée in India next year. I am dating a man for 3 years now and I invited his mother to the wedding. My sister invited her friend to my wedding and I didn’t care. She now isn’t talking to me and said that my bf’s mom can’t come because they don’t know her. My parents are paying for this wedding and my sister isn’t paying a penny, nor is her fiancée. I cannot uninvite my bf’s mother as that’s rude and I’m really not keen to shake our relationship like this. What do I do? I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird. Her fiancée messaged me saying the mom can’t come.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 02/12/2023 23:16

Have you asked your sister what the reason is?
(If not could you ask her? - in a neutral tone.)
Is it because you're not married to your boyfriend?
Or could your parents ask her what the reason is?

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 23:20

Is it the parents of the bride and groom who pay for it? Or just the bride's parents? Surely there are families who don't earn enough to save for years to fund a massive wedding?

It used to be that the cost mostly fell on the bride's parents. Now it tends to be split between both sets of parents and the B&G themselves. If either side want anything particular and expensive then they pay for it.

I have to say that 2,000 is big even for an Indian wedding. The bride was from an even wealthier family than my NDN and there were a lot of Important People there (though no-one actually knew them, it was a status thing). However 900/1,000 wouldn't be so unusual and you'd normally expect there to be at least 500.

Edited to add - and in cases where the immediate family couldn't afford what would be considered a suitably grand wedding then the wider family would chip in, often as their wedding gift. How it looks is very important and you would be judged for not doing it 'properly' so debt may be involved too.

NosamLDN · 02/12/2023 23:21

Sorry but you don't invite other people to someone else's wedding, it's up to the soon to be wed people to invite who they want. A bit off on your part, not sure if it's cultural

WillowCraft · 02/12/2023 23:22

CatMandarin · 02/12/2023 23:10

Is it the parents of the bride and groom who pay for it? Or just the bride's parents? Surely there are families who don't earn enough to save for years to fund a massive wedding?

Show quote history

It wil probably be run much cheaper than a typical UK wedding though. I went to one in Malaysia and the family/close friends (about 60 people) had a posh dinner. All the hangers on were offered the equivalent of a burger to eat standing up. All home cooked so no over inflated venue costs. I mean I'm sure the wedding cost plenty, they had posh outfits x 3 for all the wedding party, but it wouldn't be the equivalent of serving 1000 people a £50 a head meal in a hotel.

Newmumma23 · 02/12/2023 23:23

How do your parents/family feel about your new partner? To me this would seem like they are sending a message here. I’d talk this through with them. My partner is Indian and I wasn’t really invited to events or functions with extended family until we’d got engaged so maybe this is stemming from the lack of wedding on the cards for you guys? I’m sure you’ll completely get that these types of events are really all about appearances! I don’t personally see it as weird that you’ve invited your partners mum given that I’d imagine the guest list will be in the hundreds!

NotAStrongFemaleRoleModel · 02/12/2023 23:24

OP, when your DSIS invited her friend to your wedding, was your DSIS single at the time, or her partner was unable to attend, and her friend was her 'plus one' that you had accounted for? And did you know the friend?

Because if so, that's a bit different to you now attending her wedding with your 'plus one' (your DH), but then also inviting an additional third person. An additional third person they don't know and runs their guest list numbers (and costs) up when they only actually invited two people.

I have a cousin. She brought a friend to my wedding as her expected plus one, as she was single. But a few years later she's now in a relationship getting married. I wouldnt go to her wedding with my DH, but randomly invite my MIL as well, without my cousins consent or permission, because "well you brought a friend to my wedding"

It's different. And YABU I'm afraid.

OzziePopPop · 02/12/2023 23:25

Is this because you’re divorced? Does she not like/accept your boyfriend?

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/12/2023 23:27

WillowCraft · 02/12/2023 23:22

It wil probably be run much cheaper than a typical UK wedding though. I went to one in Malaysia and the family/close friends (about 60 people) had a posh dinner. All the hangers on were offered the equivalent of a burger to eat standing up. All home cooked so no over inflated venue costs. I mean I'm sure the wedding cost plenty, they had posh outfits x 3 for all the wedding party, but it wouldn't be the equivalent of serving 1000 people a £50 a head meal in a hotel.

Show quote history

You know Malaysians aren't the same as Indians don't you? Hmm
Indian weddings often have alot of people, can be cheaper per head, especially the ones where family do all the cooking but not cheaper overall necessarily if you have hundreds or even thousands of guests.

Ponderingwindow · 02/12/2023 23:32

Apologize to the woman you invited without permission and explain you overstepped. You will survive.

your sister doesn’t have to do anything with her wedding she doesn’t want to do. Even if there are cultural issues at play, people are allowed to decide to ignore tradition and make their own decisions.

Starryskies1 · 02/12/2023 23:32

As it’s cultural to invite lots of people to the wedding and your parents are paying I would try again speaking to them. If not I would choose honesty with bf’s mother. Does your sister have an issue with you being divorced? I would still take her to India just not to the wedding if possible. The amount of people not understanding the cultural difference in this thread is shocking.

tachetastic · 02/12/2023 23:42

You can't invite someone to someone else's wedding, Full stop.

Also, small point. You say you were originally Indian. What are you now???

WillowCraft · 02/12/2023 23:46

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/12/2023 23:27

You know Malaysians aren't the same as Indians don't you? Hmm
Indian weddings often have alot of people, can be cheaper per head, especially the ones where family do all the cooking but not cheaper overall necessarily if you have hundreds or even thousands of guests.

Show quote history

Of course I know that...... the point I was making is that the catering cost per head is likely to be lower.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/12/2023 23:48

tachetastic · 02/12/2023 23:42

You can't invite someone to someone else's wedding, Full stop.

Also, small point. You say you were originally Indian. What are you now???

Try reading the full thread.

Badaba · 02/12/2023 23:49

So I'm not Indian/Asian but similar wedding culture, so I do understand when you say it's not a big deal. Because it's actually not a big deal.

To save face with my sister, I would find a way to go alone. I would try to enjoy it. But she better understand that if I am greeted with crowds of husbands neighbours colleague or whatever, imma be pissed and she's going to hear about it.

Wasjumpking · 02/12/2023 23:54

What is NDN @Gymnopedie ?

Gymnopedie · 02/12/2023 23:59

@Wasjumpking

NDN = next door neighbour.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/12/2023 00:00

Why can't the mother come ? It's not as if the couple are going to actually know every guest at their wedding.

My question to you would be, who is paying the mother's flight, and where will she be staying in India ?

I would speak to your parents, as they are paying for the wedding and will have an idea of how many are invited / expected.

Does the mother have a husband ? or is she widowed / divorced. Was she surprised to be invited by you - i personally don't think she was surprised as clearly you look upon her as family, and she looks upon you as family.

Is your sister upset / annoyed that you are divorced ? has she by any chance invited any of your former husband's family or indeed invited him ?

I have been invited to around 5 Indian / Hindu weddings in / around London, one of which was the sister of a male friend I had. I had never met her. I was actually a closer friend of his male cousin.

Hardtime · 03/12/2023 00:07

Attendance for a colleague's Sikh wedding reception in the UK was 500 ± 200. They literally didn't know how many would come until the day. The event took place at the bride's parents' home and the catering and car parking arrangements had to be very creative.

Katej82 · 03/12/2023 00:10

Speak to your parents maybe they can intervene on your behalf? I know you said your sister invited her friend to your wedding, is that quite acceptable for Indian wedding sorry I don't know much about it but if it is why have they said you partner mum not welcome? Don't lie to mum tell her your so sorry there had been a mix up because if you lie your going to look bad an older lady is no fool plus you'd always know you'd lied to your potential future mother in law x

beatrix1234 · 03/12/2023 00:12

You guys don't understand Indian weddings! My flatmate (she's Indian) invited all the flatmates to her brothers wedding, that was 4 of us (non Indians). It was a three day long wedding in Mumbay. The 4 of us decided that paying for an aeroplane ticket to india plus one week in an hotel to attend a wedding we knew no one was a little bit too much and out of our budgets. Our flatmate was upset because we decided not to go (we did apologise profusely and blamed it on the fact we were skint.

cerisepanther73 · 03/12/2023 00:12

Could she still spend time in India on girlie getting to know each more adventure trip with you ?

you just attend the wedding without her that's all
Just tell her a plausible excuse reason why it's unfortunately not feasible for her to attend,

Your sister is obviously much more different to you, such as families dynamics ect.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 03/12/2023 00:45

I’m not sure what help we can give really? There are finite options:

  • tell partner’s mum she can’t come
  • pay for her yourself
  • Ask your parents not sure if they call the shots on the guest list if they are paying
wanttogetadvice · 03/12/2023 01:44

my guess...they haven't told the wider family or don't want them to know that you are dating. Are you by chance dating someone from another culture? Do you share the same financial background? Is it possible that you family is looking down on your partner and his family?

thebestinterest · 03/12/2023 01:58

OP, 100% your bfs mom might actually not care at all. Bring it up soon. Like this weekend, though. Things happen… plans fall through.

I can understand your point about not caring that your sis invited people to your wedding… my sister did the same, only she invited 4!!! friends. I was irritated (somewhat), but at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. More people to celebrate with, and we married at a venue that we owned. Who knows how she’d react if I did that to her, but I wouldn’t.

but yes, don’t let it go too long. Tell her your relationship is rocky.

CatMandarin · 03/12/2023 02:06

Ponderingwindow · 02/12/2023 23:32

Apologize to the woman you invited without permission and explain you overstepped. You will survive.

your sister doesn’t have to do anything with her wedding she doesn’t want to do. Even if there are cultural issues at play, people are allowed to decide to ignore tradition and make their own decisions.

Exactly. It's her wedding