Please help I’m in deep shit re sister’s wedding

[Confusedandhurt9]

I am originally Indian. I am divorced. My sister is marrying her fiancée in India next year. I am dating a man for 3 years now and I invited his mother to the wedding. My sister invited her friend to my wedding and I didn’t care. She now isn’t talking to me and said that my bf’s mom can’t come because they don’t know her. My parents are paying for this wedding and my sister isn’t paying a penny, nor is her fiancée. I cannot uninvite my bf’s mother as that’s rude and I’m really not keen to shake our relationship like this. What do I do? I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird. Her fiancée messaged me saying the mom can’t come.

Inviting random people to other people's wedding may or not be acceptable if you use the cultural card

But surely you would check with the bride and groom first?

If it is one of those huge colourful Indian weddings with people joining in from the street then I would be offended too.

If the wedding is smaller and intimate then you need to tell your bf's mother that, surprisingly, your sister is having a very odd, small Indian wedding and so unfortunately there will be no room for her to attend.

Offer her to come to India with you, all the same, if that will be fun. Did you want her to meet your parents? Was she helping out with kids? She will likely have a great time, with you able to show her cultural aspects of India.

Why did you invite someone else to your sisters wedding?
Thats a very odd thing to do.

Just say you misunderstood and your sister isn't having additional people. So you're sorry but you have to uninvited her

Don't you go to work? Clubs/hobby groups/local groups? Talk to neighbours? Know other parents? Your DH loves in isolation as well and had no friends or family or colleagues? Both of you have no extended family whatsoever? This second person also lives in isolation and know nobody else in the entire planet??

Threads like this are really useful at highlighting the differences between people who are prepared to learn about how different cultures do things and those that will tell you it’s odd (and therefore by extension not normal) and not prepared to accept anything different. Truly the definition of being stubbornly ignorant.

Anyhoo….I would speak to your sister first and ask her what the issue actually is. Listen to what she has to say first before judging her. You never know, she may change her mind. If she doesn’t then you have to be as honest as you can be with your DP’s Mum without hurting her feelings too much. Lying about why she can’t come won’t do any of you any good - she’ll find out eventually because people like to talk. The power of the Indian Auntie chatter. It travels far and wide.

The power of the Indian Auntie chatter. It travels far and wide.

This. It can be global.

There is no way of “not being too rude” in this situation. She will be very offended, she may well infer this disinvite has been approved or even determined by the parents. In my post I said I think the parents will not want her disrespected in this way so she needs to talk to them. If OP ends up marrying this guy they will mortified.

There is only one person that is wrong here. That is you OP. You should not have invited her without asking.
Your sister isnt being weird or cruel.
You are wrong.
Being South Asian doesnt mean manners go out the window and you get a free pass to invite whoever you like. You should have asked your sister first.

How many wedding guests? Will tour sister even notice?

Yes, it is a cultural thing. Otherwise, Indian weddings would not have 100s of guests. Sister also invited her friends to Op's wedding. I think sister can accommodate one person but I think as OP is divorced and it is still looked down upon in India, her sister does not want people to know OP is dating.

Op should have checked with her sister but now that she invited her bf's mother, most sister can accommodate to save Op embarrssment and avoid resentment between sisters. I think most posters don't understand as they don't understand Indian culture.

Are you Indian? It is common to invite friends on a siblings wedding. People even invite neighbours. Op's mistake is not checking with sister. It is more to do with op dating after divorce which is the likely cause of concern for sister because Indians can be judgemental about things like divorce and some even judge family and upbringing.

This is the most likely reason because it is unusual for a sister to make a big deal for one invite made by her sister in Indian culture.

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I would say that due to unforseen circumstances they have had to cut the guest numbers down drastically and you are very sorry but she cannot come now.

To be honest though... this might be a cultural thing but who invites someone to their sisters wedding without speaking to them first? Is that normal? I wouldnt' do that. I think THAT is rude.

This ⬆

I'm not Indian but have worked with Indian teams extensively and any wedding I have ever heard of has been hundreds of people, almost a week of festivities, and anyone can come. So that is very strange of your sister. Like PP said, are the husband-to-be's family uber conservative? Are they having a non-traditional small wedding?

I would say talk to your family and get your parents to get them to see sense, you can't just univite your bf's mum. That's hardly welcoming him and her into your family! She may understand if she isn't Indian herself, but considering the usual scale of these festivities it's very unexpected of your sister.

So glad this thread has resurfaced as a reminder of what a stupid/ignorant/racist place this can be some times.

I know, it's so infuriating.