Hi. This is very long but I am so very lost and would please appreciate some advice.
Some weeks ago, my husband started what I thought was a sexy talk game where we tell stories about being with other people. It started to turn very accusatory and I called him out on this and explained he was makimg me feel umcomfortable, like he thought I was some sort of slut.
I should probably add that my mother passed away just a few days before this started. I believe this is relevant. I still havent had tje headspace to grieve properly for her.
He then admits he saw text messages on my phone from 15+ years ago - really sick sex game stuff that I have zero knowledge of. He is utterly convinced that he has been reading sexy texts on my phone from about ten guys on and off throughout our marriage, that i invited one of these people into our bed, that I shagged this person in front of our kids (toddlers at the time he thinks this happened).
The gaslighting side of this comes in as he is SO convinced by all of this that I started questioning my own memories.
He gave me an ultimatum of confessing or he was leaving me. We have had a great relatiomahip in my opinion - notbqitgout it's ups and downs of course. Fell in love as teenagers, married young and became parents after just a year together. I absolutely adore him, and I thought he did me. We had a very bad year early'ish in our marriage where he was emotionally abusive towards me calling me names and that nobody else would love me so I should just stay with him (I had put a lot of weight on after having 2 children in close succession). I did look to find someone else to love me, this person was kind to me and took me out for lunch. I stayed at his flat once however had no condoms so we didnt sleep together but we did hold hands and kiss. It lasted about 3 weeks, maybe less. My husband found out about this and I was truly ashamed that I had ever done this and vowed never to repeat this. I remember this experience in vivid detail, which is why I'm so baffled that I remember nothing at all about the other things my dh talks about. My dad passed away about 2 or 3 weeks after dh found out as well. I was a daddys girl and it really affected me that I had let him down, I wasnt raised that way. I still carry the guilt of that today and absolutely take full responsibility
Anyway...
As he has dripfed information about all these 'affairs' to me, I have then created a story to go with it that fits his narrative. I have effectively confessed to shagging about 8 people, had a threesome, met up in some dark road to climb into someones car and fuck.
He has alao confessed to having 2 affairs in 2008 and 2009, one quite lengthy and one more of a fling (with his friends gf!). He sent me their names and photographs too.
To say I am devastated would be an underatatement but I'm not allowed to ahow this as he vlbelieved what I have 'done' is so much worse. He is truly broken by all this, and I don't know what to do to help him. I'm finding myswlf repeatedly apologising for things I haven't done to make him feel better.
He also wanted to sexualise scenarios he said he read about so he makes me reenact them with his details, he then gets himself off with these stories. He tells me he appreciates my honesty and it fucking shatters my heart everytime.
WTF have I done here? And how TF do I fix it? I know I shouod never have confessed to things I havent done, my brain went into fight or flight mode and him leaving just was not am option I could consider.
I have tried telling my dh the full truth several times but he thinks I'm just lying to protect myself and geta very angry. I would too if I believed as strongly as he does.
A few weeks ago I did have him arrested as he pinned me down on our bed and hit me twice around the head. I confess i did bite him on the forearm and gave him a nasty bruise but that's literally the only way I could defend myself.
I truly want our relationship to work. We have had a very strong relationship up until the last couple of months. We have been together 20 years, I am very hesistant to throw all that time away for what I believe is a mental issue on his part. I want to support him. He does have severe anxiety and recently diagnosed with depression.
I have an excellent relationship with his mum and have told her everything. He is furious with me for this. I now know her and her dh have been through some almost identical scenarios over the years and wonder if this is somehow just how my dh is wired? I dont think that is even possible though really.
Sorry, I know this is so long. Replies may be sporadic, I'm not really allowed to use my phone so much so dh will be mad if he kniws I've posted here.