I've fallen for gaslighting and made a massive mess

[HurtingInSilence]

Hi. This is very long but I am so very lost and would please appreciate some advice.

Some weeks ago, my husband started what I thought was a sexy talk game where we tell stories about being with other people. It started to turn very accusatory and I called him out on this and explained he was makimg me feel umcomfortable, like he thought I was some sort of slut.
I should probably add that my mother passed away just a few days before this started. I believe this is relevant. I still havent had tje headspace to grieve properly for her.

He then admits he saw text messages on my phone from 15+ years ago - really sick sex game stuff that I have zero knowledge of. He is utterly convinced that he has been reading sexy texts on my phone from about ten guys on and off throughout our marriage, that i invited one of these people into our bed, that I shagged this person in front of our kids (toddlers at the time he thinks this happened).

The gaslighting side of this comes in as he is SO convinced by all of this that I started questioning my own memories.
He gave me an ultimatum of confessing or he was leaving me. We have had a great relatiomahip in my opinion - notbqitgout it's ups and downs of course. Fell in love as teenagers, married young and became parents after just a year together. I absolutely adore him, and I thought he did me. We had a very bad year early'ish in our marriage where he was emotionally abusive towards me calling me names and that nobody else would love me so I should just stay with him (I had put a lot of weight on after having 2 children in close succession). I did look to find someone else to love me, this person was kind to me and took me out for lunch. I stayed at his flat once however had no condoms so we didnt sleep together but we did hold hands and kiss. It lasted about 3 weeks, maybe less. My husband found out about this and I was truly ashamed that I had ever done this and vowed never to repeat this. I remember this experience in vivid detail, which is why I'm so baffled that I remember nothing at all about the other things my dh talks about. My dad passed away about 2 or 3 weeks after dh found out as well. I was a daddys girl and it really affected me that I had let him down, I wasnt raised that way. I still carry the guilt of that today and absolutely take full responsibility

Anyway...

As he has dripfed information about all these 'affairs' to me, I have then created a story to go with it that fits his narrative. I have effectively confessed to shagging about 8 people, had a threesome, met up in some dark road to climb into someones car and fuck.

He has alao confessed to having 2 affairs in 2008 and 2009, one quite lengthy and one more of a fling (with his friends gf!). He sent me their names and photographs too.

To say I am devastated would be an underatatement but I'm not allowed to ahow this as he vlbelieved what I have 'done' is so much worse. He is truly broken by all this, and I don't know what to do to help him. I'm finding myswlf repeatedly apologising for things I haven't done to make him feel better.

He also wanted to sexualise scenarios he said he read about so he makes me reenact them with his details, he then gets himself off with these stories. He tells me he appreciates my honesty and it fucking shatters my heart everytime.

WTF have I done here? And how TF do I fix it? I know I shouod never have confessed to things I havent done, my brain went into fight or flight mode and him leaving just was not am option I could consider.
I have tried telling my dh the full truth several times but he thinks I'm just lying to protect myself and geta very angry. I would too if I believed as strongly as he does.

A few weeks ago I did have him arrested as he pinned me down on our bed and hit me twice around the head. I confess i did bite him on the forearm and gave him a nasty bruise but that's literally the only way I could defend myself.

I truly want our relationship to work. We have had a very strong relationship up until the last couple of months. We have been together 20 years, I am very hesistant to throw all that time away for what I believe is a mental issue on his part. I want to support him. He does have severe anxiety and recently diagnosed with depression.

I have an excellent relationship with his mum and have told her everything. He is furious with me for this. I now know her and her dh have been through some almost identical scenarios over the years and wonder if this is somehow just how my dh is wired? I dont think that is even possible though really.

Sorry, I know this is so long. Replies may be sporadic, I'm not really allowed to use my phone so much so dh will be mad if he kniws I've posted here.

You have children.

Your first responsibility is to them, to stay alive to look after them, and to keep them safe, emotionally & physically.

It is not to repeat the same dynamic your husband got from his parents, so they're taught this is normal.

Separate.

You can encourage your DH to get help, but you need to put your kids first.

Op your husband is abusing you and he SHOULD not be in the house

What mental health issues has he already been confirmed as having? Because that sounds like he could have deteriorated into psychosis.

Get out of there with your children whilst the parents are staying, whilst you still have the chance.

wtf have I just read, what’s wrong with you both, and you’ve children living in this environment.

I've read all this again and I have some questions.

Your husband is unquestionably abusive. It is no surprise that the first round of abuse started when you were extremely vulnerable with two young children. I expect that you were probably leaning on your husband more than usual and he was feeling stressed, so took it out on you. After your "affair", I imagine you became extremely compliant towards your husband and that has led to your marriage functioning since then. He had the upper hand.

I think the residual guilt you feel about looking elsewhere after the first round of abuse has clouded your ability to think clearly now. You know deep down that you did not do all the things your husband is accusing you of. You need to have your own back on this.

I notice that your father passed away some years ago, and your mother has passed away recently (I'm so sorry). Does this mean that you are likely to receive some kind of inheritance soon? Would this give you a level of financial capacity to leave the relationship? This may be a trigger for your husband's behaviour.

Your husband sounds dangerously like he is having a psychotic break and he is at very high risk of causing harm to you or your children. Do not underestimate this risk.

If his parents have normalised bizarre behaviour like this, he is unlikely to suddenly turn around and admit he was wrong. He will dig in, and only become angrier and more blaming towards you.

I think you need to seriously consider leaving with the children immediately (as in, in the next week), and not telling him where you are. I understand this may be extremely difficult, but the one thing you need is clear headspace from him. You are under a huge amount of pressure and you need to be able to clarify your thoughts away from his psychological abuse.

After reading this, all I can think is that I hope you and your kids get out safely.

If a) this is true and b) you still have kids living at home, I think you should show this thread to your GP and Social Worker.

This sounds made up.
Or truly horrible. You need to get out. I'm concerned about both of your MH tbh.
I don't think you are all that logical actually. Or this a huge wind up.

You need to get support to get those children out safely.

He's deranged!

Replies may be sporadic, I'm not really allowed to use my phone so much so dh will be mad if he kniws I've posted here.

Also just saw this at the end. This is really alarming. Your husband clearly has control issues.

I suspect that the "ups and downs" of your relationship that you mentioned are not what most people would consider normal "ups and downs" but were periods of increased abuse in a relationship where you have been heavily controlled but too naive (due to having no basis for comparison) to know it.

You really, really need to get away from him and start talking to a qualified counsellor in detail about what your relationship has been like. I think you will be surprised and horrified to realise that your relationship has not really been great at all.

Sweetheart this is very wrong. You don’t realise it now as he has made you so confused but this relationship can’t continue. For both your sakes, but definitely mostly yours and your children’s.

Do you have anyone in real life you could talk to?

I was with a gaslighter who constructed false narratives and accused me of outrageous things, when I was 100% faithful in word and deed and only had eyes for him, as well as not even having male friends and being a very reserved person.

my reaction to his crazy making behaviour was to defend politely until I reached the point of utter sadness and then anger. Never would I have ever admitted to anything that I had not done. I know how crazy making this behaviour can be, but it seems to me that you are both suffering from mental health issues as you have taken his suggestions and are literally unable to stay within reality. The relationship I believe is fully over and seems to be heading to a very dangerous place. You can’t help him with his issues, he has completely broken you down through it.

Have you showed him this post?

I suggest if you wanted to help him you need to get away somewhere safe, stop engaging in the weird sex games, write him a letter clarifying the truth. Tell him if he doesn’t 100% believe that then the relationship is already over anyway. Get some counselling and get him some help also.

he is incredibly mentally abusive and you are incredibly suggestible and broken down. I highly doubt you’ve had 20 years of bliss without some foreshadowing of these behaviours, Or other similar behaviour having displayed itself over the years

Assuming this is real…. It’s batshit crazy

Sorry I replied above without reading all your posts OP.

So the police are aware and SS…. That’s good. What have they suggested you do?

Have you contacted Refuge or Women’s Aid?

This is batshit crazy. If this is true, if any of this is true, you need to get the fuck out of there now and never, ever look back before he either drives you utterly insane or he kills you.

Op, please don’t show him this post. I fear for your safety as it is, if he thinks you’re talking about him in a negative way he will not respond well. It’s very important that you start to think about how to keep you and your children safe. They are teens now I guess so that might make it easier.

I don’t know if you have a daughter but what would you say to her if she came to you and described a relationship like the one you have. I cannot believe you would want her to stay in an abusive relationship.

Let me be really clear here, you ARE in an abusive relationship and it’s imperative you get the hell out asap, however much you think you love and adore him. You are in danger and need to be safe.

please call women’s aid as soon as you can, and make sure that you are logged out of here on your phone if you think he’ll check up on you. He is controlling and abusive and you are worth more than this. Your children are worth more than this.

Please keep posting, plus there are some great threads on here where women in your situation have managed to escape.

I wish you well.

I actually understand you admitting to things you haven't done. My ex did this to me , kept on and on and on asking if I had ever been unfaithful (not to him but anyone previous) . I was so beaten down that I said I had (I hadn't) and of course that then gave him the stick he wanted to beat me with.
You must know how fucked up all this is , please get out while you can.

Good Lord, the abuse hear is staggering.

He's done such a number on you that you've admitted to things you didn't do. He's thrown all of this at you just so he can blame you for his affairs!

He has also been physically abusive and controlling but you want to 'make it work'?!!

You've been with him from such a young age that you clearly have no idea of what a healthy relationship looks like because, and I cannot say this strong enough, this is NOT ONE!

HERE!! Before someone corrects me! 😁

The gaslighting side of this comes in as he is SO convinced by all of this that I started questioning my own memories.

I also want to add that I get this. I was in an abusive relationship for years where he lied repeatedly to me and gaslit me.

Often you have an uneasy feeling in your gut about what's happening, but if you don't have any hard evidence to prove that he's not being honest with you other than his reactions seeming 'off' (either over-the-top or strangely dismissive/evasive) then you do start to question yourself.

Gaslighters use all sorts of techniques to get you into a state of near-permanent self-doubt and confusion. They'll say they don't remember things that you do remember and get aggressive with you if you voice concern about them being so forgetful, so you back off and feel guilty. Then they'll say you said or did things you have no recollection of and that seem out of character for you, and they'll say see, you forget things too. Reality starts to feel fuzzy around the edges.

You'll have circular conversations where you try to get them to just answer one question, but they constantly avoid straight answers and bring up issues that they have with you instead, or say you're being ridiculous to even want to discuss what you want to discuss. You'll be accused of being a nag, having a hidden agenda, not trusting them.

If you have any financial vulnerability that makes the thought of leaving overwhelming (big family debts, no income, more money invested in the family home than your partner, etc) or are concerned about his ability to care for the kids without you around, sometimes it's easier to just drop the argument and hope things get better.

Plus, they're SO vehement about their position. They seem to have no doubt whatsoever that they're right, and even when you feel internally quite certain they're not, you can't get your head around the fact that someone who supposedly loves you and functions normally in the world could be so completely off-base with what they're saying and so utterly resistant to your perspective. It doesn't compute.

You convince yourself that you must be missing some critical detail that would make it all make sense, because if you're not missing something, the only other options on the table are that a) your partner knows full well he's lying to you and is deliberately making out that you're crazy, and you really don't want to believe that, or b) your partner is actually quite divorced from reality to a degree that he doesn't know truth from fiction, and that feels scary if you allow yourself to consider it seriously.

In those circumstances, you can find yourself trying to convince yourself that you must be the one who has it wrong, because that's still within your control. If you're in the wrong, you just need to work out where you're going wrong, and then you can fix it and everything will be okay again.

This is the head-fuck of gaslighting and abuse.

You have to be away from him and his toxic words before you can get clarity.

There's a BBC drama called Murdered By My Boyfriend about an abusive relationship (based on a true story) where the woman is so worn down from constant accusations from her partner that she admits to something she hasn't done. He then beats her to death.

It's a really devastating watch, more so for being a true story.

OP, please read this. Your DH isn't just depressed, he is seriously mentally unwell and you are fuelling his psychosis! They is absolutely no telling what he is capable of.
If you love him like you say you do, then ve
get out (protect yourself first, if not for you for your children) and very help for him.
He desperately needs it!

The most concerning part of this incredibly unhealthy and frankly down right weird situation is that there are children in this. And also he's saying you've had sex with other men in front of your children?! I can't see how this relationship has been without problems for 20 years and now this. He has to end for the sake of the children, let alone yourself

This is SO fucked up. Like something from a really disturbing movie. You deserve better and things won’t improve with him, by the sounds of it.