Difficult relationship with my mother- her reaction to me being 12 weeks pregnant has broken me

[starbar2020]

I suppose I’m posting here to get it off my chest, maybe get some advice or words of wisdom.
I’m 34, with my partner for 4 years and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. We were lucky and our first round of IVF worked and we are over the moon as we were told by our fertility consultant our chance of conceiving was between 5-7%.

I will give a short background to my relationship with my mother for some context. Growing up she was over critical, nasty, demeaning and I was a shell of a child with no confidence and major anxiety. I would be compared to every other child my age and humiliated if I said hello the wrong way or she didn’t like my hair (no exaggeration). School came naturally to me and I did well but nothing was ever good enough for her and if I got 90% she’d be cross and ask what happened the rest of the marks.

I have recollections of car journeys when I was younger being screamed at and then forced to go into a shop and buy her something as I’d be crying my eyes out over what she said. I’ve been told I’m fat, I don’t look nice, and that I constantly lie to her. The lying part had been happening up until recently until I flipped and told her I wasn’t accepting that behaviour and I’d return home when she apologised. I don’t live at home and this happened one day when I visited home.

There have been numerous events that she has ruined as she doesn’t cope well with crowds or big events and takes her worries out on everyone, my sister’s wedding being one. She is quite manipulative and will try to manipulate situations so I visit home telling me there is something wrong with my dad or she needs something and more often than not there’s actually nothing wrong.
I would love to get married at some stage but the thoughts of dealing with a wedding fill me with such dread I can’t see myself ever going through with a wedding, unless we eloped or something.

I had engaged in counselling when we were having difficulty trying to conceive as in life all I ever wanted was a loving relationship/marriage and kids so I found the fact our chances were so low extremely hard to deal with. This has ended up now in counselling over my mothers treatment of me and my psychologist has said I have been emotionally abused for my entire life. I find the counselling helps but there is so much to unpack and go through I don’t know how long it can go on for.

Fast forward to earlier and we decided to tell my parents our good news. I had half my prepared myself for a poor reaction and had pre warned my partner about this. The reaction we got was awful and worse than I imagined. Her first comment was to say in a cold/bitchy tone “ well I hope it works out for you”. And then she followed it up by saying “ you’ll have a great maternity leave with being on career break”. This was nasty as I am currently on career break from a job I was really unhappy in and I am working 4/5 days a week in another role. So her comment about that really stung. We haven’t told them about doing IVF as I just don’t tell her anything in my life and keep boundaries where I can.

I feel embarrassed that she behaved that way in front of my partner and even though I half expected it, I’m upset that it turned out the way I imagined. Maybe somewhere I had a faint hope that she might be happy for us.

I just posted her to vent as even though I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life, I feel flat and deflated since we told them our news. I feel sad for my partner as he didn’t deserve that ( we told his parents already and their reaction was so much better ).
I just feel there is no hope for our relationship, but also devastated that it can’t be different and that it will never be close to normal.
I will only visit my parents now with my partner as I know if I go alone I will be in for a telling off and an angry outburst and I won’t accept that anymore.

Congratulations on your lovely news! You must be over the moon..Don’t let her rain on your lovely parade

You'll be a wonderful loving mum congratulations.

Just don't see her - self preservation is essential.

Congratulations to you both
it was always going to be like this from the sound of it
You have told her, now go and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, this bitter woman will never change I’m afraid
I had one of those mothers

I’m so sorry OP. In all honesty I would just stop contact with her. You don’t need anyone like that in your life.

Congratulations on your wonderful news. You will be an amazing mummy and I’m so happy for you! Xx

Congratulations, enjoy your pregnancy and your baby.

You don't really need your mum in your life do you?

I agree with @SparklingSparkle , just gradually reduce contact with her until you see her once or twice a year . It’s less drama if you do it gradually.

in the meantime tell her nothing about pregnancy or your plans. Just be vague

Yes everything Is fine
yea that’s a good point we will need to think about that
we’ve not decided yet
plenty time to worry about that later

etc etc

Oh congratulations - wonderful news and I wish you a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy.

Keep going with the counselling. Baby steps. Your partner and beautiful baby will be the focus of all your love and happiness. Your feelings about your mother are valid and unfortunately you can't change what she has put you through and thw way she continues to treat you. You can change your attitude and reaction to it though. Sounds like you have done amazing work with setting up some boundaries.

How she is - it's not your fault. You don't deserve that and you never have. Maybe some day you will decide it's healthier to cut her off. Whatever happens, I wish all the best to you. Enjoy your beautiful baby and the amazing life that is laid out before you - grab every second and live it without regrets 💕

Congratulations!
Seriously why are you even trying, she won’t change. It’s easy to say go NC, but honestly what is there worth staying in contact for? Just imagine her saying these things to you in front of your longed for child. Or worse she says them to the child and as you don’t react the child believes this is how people talk to each other and then they grow up and when in an abusive relationship assume it’s normal as they had it growing up.

Seriously, NC is valid.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I think the best solution is to go low contact or no contact. Keep working with the psychologist, and let yourself grieve for the relationship you will never have. It's not your fault. Motherhood will potentially bring up difficult feelings and emotions about what your relationship with your own mother lacked. Keep seeking support. Know that you have in your power the opportunity to break the chain of poor mothering (I wonder what your mother's relationship was like with her mother) but it may take some work. Nuture the positive relationships in your life, your patner, in laws, any friends you have. Your mother's behaviour is not your fault, surround yourself with the people who care about you and can celebrate your lovely news with you.

Congrats!!

I don’t think your mother brings anything positive to your life, so I’d severely limit any contact going forward. You know she’ll be critical of everything you do as a parent. Why subject yourself to that?

Hi Starbar,

Please don’t let ur mothers terrible behaviour dull the shine of ur good news.
U expected this reaction as u have experienced these narcissistic behaviours ur whole life, but it doesn’t stop you hoping for better.

I have a difficult relationship with my own mother, yet have a self destructive need to please her, gain her approval and make her proud and yet it never comes.

I am so pleased that you have already recognised that she’s the problem, not u and that you are seeking counselling prior to being a mum yourself.
I found the overwhelming love and need to protect my children a trigger to my emotions and “how could she have done that to me”

Keep respecting yourself and your boundaries. If she can’t learn these then she doesn’t deserve to be part of your or your child’s life but it takes time to mourn that almost.

So much easier to say than do, that i do know!

Congratulations!

I hope it will help you to know that having a child made me care so much less about what my mum thinks of me. It has been an incredibly freeing experience, figuring out that I don’t have to give her criticisms any time or headspace because my daughter is number one and I know what’s best for her. I hope that happens for you too.

She won’t change, but it’s hard to let go of the dream of a traditional ‘mother’
she’s just not capable or willing to be that role though unfortunately.
definitely reduce your contact with them, you don’t need to subject yourself to that.
give yourself a moment to grieve that moment, and that you were robbed of a lovely potential bonding experience with your mum. Then let it go as much as you can, focus on the positives
congratulations on your lovely news.

I'm truly thrilled for you, congratulations on your wonderful news.

It's not a reason to become a parent of course - but a happy side effect of becoming a parent can be that you gain clarity on your relationship with your parents and heal some of the wounds of your own childhood.

The approval and love of your mother (or lack of it), will of course always have significance for you. However, the good news is that it will pale in comparison to the significance of the relationship you will have with your child. You have the power to give your child the kind of loving, secure childhood you always wanted - that's wonderful and can be so healing. I feel that it is likely that your mother's power to hurt you is going to diminish, and this can be a time of real hope and empowerment for you.

By the same token, however, processing your own childhood through the lens of raising your own child(ren) can be painful and difficult, as well as therapeutic. Just something to be prepared for.

My best advice to you right now, would be for you to work on the understanding that you do not have to have your mother in your life.

Bluntly, she will never be the mother you deserve or want her to be and you cannot change her. It was never ever your responsibility to earn her love and care. It's very hard to confront this but accepting it can give you the power to freely choose how much, if at all, she is in your life. You do not have to have her in your life if she hurts you.

Congratulations again on this exciting next chapter of your life <3

Time to "divorce" your mother. She is just someone you used to know! I did, and life was so much better...I didn't go NC and was civil but uninvolved on the phone, but I never sought contact and refused to get into arguments. (She improved a bit as a result.)

Please don't expose your future child to her.
Cease all contact. You don't need her.
Congratulations on your amazing news.

Maybe somewhere I had a faint hope that she might be happy for us.

As every child inherently knows, pleasing their parent is the safest route to survival. But your mother was damaged way before you were born and nothing you can do or say will ever change her. Any change has to come from her wish to change.

It's not your fault. Sear that into your mind. It's not your fault.

Enjoy your own new family, break those generational traumas and don't feel a moment of guilt. It all started long before you were born.

Do NOT feel flat and deflated. It was no more nor less than what was to be expected.

I hope that your counsellor can help you to shake this dreadful woman off and move on with your life. Do not visit - if she asks why you have not visited, then just say that you do not like the way she speaks to you and only want joyful company in your life. Say you are happy to visit if she will be positive, friendly and encouraging.

Honestly, life is just too darned short - you have put up with this for decades.

I am so thrilled that you have this new chapter opening up in your life - just enjoy!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy defying all the odds!

With your mother, honestly I'd work towards seeing/talking to her as little as possible, you'll be much happier that way. Mine was similar, I remember a complete load of total unsolicited nastiness coming out of her mouth when I told her no 2 was on the way. She loved her grandchildren, but I continued to be a disappointment to her for the rest of her life. Sadly it too me until I was in my 40s to see that elements of my parenting style were the same as hers and having a negative effect of my DD. Once I worked that out I would pause, think to myself what would mum have done, then do the opposite. Worked brilliantly with my girls! She died 3 years ago, I continued to be a disappointment to her up until the day she died. Sometimes you just have to accept things will never change.

Be civil, but fade her out. She’s punctured your happiness for no reason. Get excited about a future without her. Texts only, don’t commit and don’t ask her to offer opinions that she can use to hurt you.

We grew up roughly 1000 miles from one set of grandparents, and 10,000 miles from the other. When I learned about proverbs at school, my mother used my grandmothers to illustrate "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight, out of mind". Being the other side of the world with occasional phone calls and very very rare visits meant that I could grow up with a meaningful idea of a granny in a way I probably wouldn't have if we'd lived closer, now I understand more about my mother's own childhood.

I think I'd be thankful that your mother has shown the bad response you'd predicted, to your partner - because when you want to place and maintain boundaries in the future, he will know you're not joking and exaggerating, and hopefully be able to properly support you in what you need. It is sad, yes, but the important thing will be your own little family, and how fantastic you can get good support from your partner's parents.

Congratulations and best wishes for the pregnancy!

Congratulations! You will be an insightful, loving parent. You would benefit loads from therapy. Your mother must have serious issues, I'm sorry 💐. None of this is your fault.

I feel this pain. I never realised what a weird relationship I had with my parents until I was watching gilmore girls with a friend and she commented how strange it was that Lorelai had gotten engaged and not told her parents but to me it felt entirely logical and of course she wouldn't tell then because they would ruin it

The amazing thing is now you are having your own child and you get to decide what kind of mum you want to be. I have 2 DS and we have such a lovely relationship. You can be the generation that brings change. Congratulations on your amazing news.

My mum is like this. I've been in counselling for a few years now and the only way to cope is to ring fence her and give her zero information.

I wouldn't expect any help with the baby either unfortunately. It'll likely come back later when she says she's raised your child (having just done the bare minimum expected of a living grandparent).

Honestly since I've followed those rules life is so much easier. It's about damage limitation with people like her if you don't want to cut her off

Congratulations to you and your partner. I can tell you now you will be a completely different mother to what your mother was to you.

I was brought up by an emotionally abusive, highly manipulative mother and I eventually cut all ties with her this year, what a huge relief.

I would seriously consider going low contact with her as they don't change and get worse as they age.