Difficult relationship with my mother- her reaction to me being 12 weeks pregnant has broken me

[starbar2020]

I suppose I’m posting here to get it off my chest, maybe get some advice or words of wisdom.
I’m 34, with my partner for 4 years and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. We were lucky and our first round of IVF worked and we are over the moon as we were told by our fertility consultant our chance of conceiving was between 5-7%.

I will give a short background to my relationship with my mother for some context. Growing up she was over critical, nasty, demeaning and I was a shell of a child with no confidence and major anxiety. I would be compared to every other child my age and humiliated if I said hello the wrong way or she didn’t like my hair (no exaggeration). School came naturally to me and I did well but nothing was ever good enough for her and if I got 90% she’d be cross and ask what happened the rest of the marks.

I have recollections of car journeys when I was younger being screamed at and then forced to go into a shop and buy her something as I’d be crying my eyes out over what she said. I’ve been told I’m fat, I don’t look nice, and that I constantly lie to her. The lying part had been happening up until recently until I flipped and told her I wasn’t accepting that behaviour and I’d return home when she apologised. I don’t live at home and this happened one day when I visited home.

There have been numerous events that she has ruined as she doesn’t cope well with crowds or big events and takes her worries out on everyone, my sister’s wedding being one. She is quite manipulative and will try to manipulate situations so I visit home telling me there is something wrong with my dad or she needs something and more often than not there’s actually nothing wrong.
I would love to get married at some stage but the thoughts of dealing with a wedding fill me with such dread I can’t see myself ever going through with a wedding, unless we eloped or something.

I had engaged in counselling when we were having difficulty trying to conceive as in life all I ever wanted was a loving relationship/marriage and kids so I found the fact our chances were so low extremely hard to deal with. This has ended up now in counselling over my mothers treatment of me and my psychologist has said I have been emotionally abused for my entire life. I find the counselling helps but there is so much to unpack and go through I don’t know how long it can go on for.

Fast forward to earlier and we decided to tell my parents our good news. I had half my prepared myself for a poor reaction and had pre warned my partner about this. The reaction we got was awful and worse than I imagined. Her first comment was to say in a cold/bitchy tone “ well I hope it works out for you”. And then she followed it up by saying “ you’ll have a great maternity leave with being on career break”. This was nasty as I am currently on career break from a job I was really unhappy in and I am working 4/5 days a week in another role. So her comment about that really stung. We haven’t told them about doing IVF as I just don’t tell her anything in my life and keep boundaries where I can.

I feel embarrassed that she behaved that way in front of my partner and even though I half expected it, I’m upset that it turned out the way I imagined. Maybe somewhere I had a faint hope that she might be happy for us.

I just posted her to vent as even though I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life, I feel flat and deflated since we told them our news. I feel sad for my partner as he didn’t deserve that ( we told his parents already and their reaction was so much better ).
I just feel there is no hope for our relationship, but also devastated that it can’t be different and that it will never be close to normal.
I will only visit my parents now with my partner as I know if I go alone I will be in for a telling off and an angry outburst and I won’t accept that anymore.

I understand your reluctance to not wanting to go NC because of your dad. I had similar thoughts myself. But my dad, no matter how much I love him is a weak man who never protected me from my mother. As it stands I won't see her and if he wants to see me, he knows where I live.

Going NC is the best gift for your mental health you can give. I'll never see my mother again. It's not worth it.

I hope you have a peaceful pregnancy

God, elope and just don't tell anyone! Keep it a happy secret just the two of you (I mean, take your partner's parents if you can TRUST them never to blab.).

It's also handy because your husband is legally the father of any children you have, so should, heaven forfend, anything happen to you in childbirth, he can take baby home no problem.

you do need to be married OP - just do a quick registry - don't need to tell anyone it's important for lots of reasons from a legal standpoint when you have a kid together

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I have very similar background with my mum and her reaction when I told her I was pregnant (age 26, owned a house, engaged so not exactly a shock) was "oh" followed by "well you're not even 12 weeks so will probably miscarry".
I was devastated and it took all my strength not to burst into tears- saved that for the car drive home.
Fast forward 4 years and I am NC with her.
Be prepared to have very conflicting feelings when you have your baby. I couldn't believe she could have treated me like she did when I looked at my son and couldn't imagine doing the same to him. It was the beginning of the end for our relationship.
I'd advise low contact keep all details of pregnancy private - grey rock.

I had a similar relationship with my mother, which I put up with for years. Within days of my DS being born, I went no contact and have never looked back. Your priorities shift when you have a child and, for me anyway, it made me really reflect on how she treated me as I couldn't believe someone could do that when I was now in the know as to how much you can love your child. You don't need it in your life, it's negative and it's draining,

Congratulations on your news and treasure every moment, don't let her ruin it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
It sounds like your mum is jealous as she always feels the need to belittle you. You're doing amazingly well considering what she's put you through. Whatever you do or say there will be no pleasing her and the way she reacted to the news of your pregnancy is an extension of that. I personally, would speak to her about it to try and understand why she treats you this way. If you're not happy with what she says or if she tries to tell you it's all in your head, explain that you don't want her negativity impacting on your child and tell her you won't be be having contact with you, your partner or child when he or she is born. Her reaction will say a lot. I would then consider cutting ties. I don't know how easy that would be for you to do, and it is easy for me to say as I'm not in that situation but she doesn't sound a very nice person. Does she contact you or is it always you making the effort?

I'm sorry to hear this. I am currently pregnant and had a similarly weird/miserable reaction when I told my mother.

I was dreading telling her for weeks and she was the last person I told. I knew she'd shit on it in some way and, no surprise, she did!

I don't expect anything from my mother anymore and don't tell her much about my life at all (sounds like you're similar if you didn't tell her about your IVF) There's no use expecting a normal, maternal reaction from people like our mothers.

But for me, the magical thing about having children is that you get to define the parent-child relationship and dynamics. I love that I'm creating my own immediate family and it's all in my control.

You can surround yourself with loving, positive, supportive people who love you now.