Difficult relationship with my mother- her reaction to me being 12 weeks pregnant has broken me

[starbar2020]

I suppose I’m posting here to get it off my chest, maybe get some advice or words of wisdom.
I’m 34, with my partner for 4 years and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. We were lucky and our first round of IVF worked and we are over the moon as we were told by our fertility consultant our chance of conceiving was between 5-7%.

I will give a short background to my relationship with my mother for some context. Growing up she was over critical, nasty, demeaning and I was a shell of a child with no confidence and major anxiety. I would be compared to every other child my age and humiliated if I said hello the wrong way or she didn’t like my hair (no exaggeration). School came naturally to me and I did well but nothing was ever good enough for her and if I got 90% she’d be cross and ask what happened the rest of the marks.

I have recollections of car journeys when I was younger being screamed at and then forced to go into a shop and buy her something as I’d be crying my eyes out over what she said. I’ve been told I’m fat, I don’t look nice, and that I constantly lie to her. The lying part had been happening up until recently until I flipped and told her I wasn’t accepting that behaviour and I’d return home when she apologised. I don’t live at home and this happened one day when I visited home.

There have been numerous events that she has ruined as she doesn’t cope well with crowds or big events and takes her worries out on everyone, my sister’s wedding being one. She is quite manipulative and will try to manipulate situations so I visit home telling me there is something wrong with my dad or she needs something and more often than not there’s actually nothing wrong.
I would love to get married at some stage but the thoughts of dealing with a wedding fill me with such dread I can’t see myself ever going through with a wedding, unless we eloped or something.

I had engaged in counselling when we were having difficulty trying to conceive as in life all I ever wanted was a loving relationship/marriage and kids so I found the fact our chances were so low extremely hard to deal with. This has ended up now in counselling over my mothers treatment of me and my psychologist has said I have been emotionally abused for my entire life. I find the counselling helps but there is so much to unpack and go through I don’t know how long it can go on for.

Fast forward to earlier and we decided to tell my parents our good news. I had half my prepared myself for a poor reaction and had pre warned my partner about this. The reaction we got was awful and worse than I imagined. Her first comment was to say in a cold/bitchy tone “ well I hope it works out for you”. And then she followed it up by saying “ you’ll have a great maternity leave with being on career break”. This was nasty as I am currently on career break from a job I was really unhappy in and I am working 4/5 days a week in another role. So her comment about that really stung. We haven’t told them about doing IVF as I just don’t tell her anything in my life and keep boundaries where I can.

I feel embarrassed that she behaved that way in front of my partner and even though I half expected it, I’m upset that it turned out the way I imagined. Maybe somewhere I had a faint hope that she might be happy for us.

I just posted her to vent as even though I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life, I feel flat and deflated since we told them our news. I feel sad for my partner as he didn’t deserve that ( we told his parents already and their reaction was so much better ).
I just feel there is no hope for our relationship, but also devastated that it can’t be different and that it will never be close to normal.
I will only visit my parents now with my partner as I know if I go alone I will be in for a telling off and an angry outburst and I won’t accept that anymore.

Your mother is a complete bitch. A malignant narcissist. Please don't let her ruin any more of your precious life. Congratulations on your pregnancy! You did so, so well not to tell her about the IVF. Just give her the bare minimum. Tell her very little and focus all your energy on you and your pregnancy. She sounds utterly poisonous. I am so sorry she was vile to you. My mother could be similarly cruel and it really cuts deep.

@starbar2020 congratulations! i had my first child at the same age. I could’ve written your post at the same age. I’ve now got a soon-to-be 18 yo Dd and my narc mother died earlier this year. I have shed no tears (I actually opened the champagne). Here’s what I wish I’d known/done:-

1. Absolutely do not allow your mother to influence your child. So no child minding whilst you work etc. I thought for some reason things would be different but my DD now tells me about some of the weird shit my mother would say to her. I feel terrible she was exposed to that.
2. narc mothers only want GC to boast about. They do not actually want to help.
3. Your mother will not change. You have to grieve for the relationship you would like, but accept it is not possible. You will never enjoy a ‘hallmark card’ relationship, and she is not capable of one. This is not your fault.
4. Do not tell her about the IVF, that information will not stay private. It is also no one else’s business. I’ll wager she’ll try and be at the hospital so make it clear to the staff she is not allowed in.
5. your mother will never acknowledge what a crap mother she was. There will be no apologies. Even at the end.

What I know now:

1. you can break the cycle. My mother had a shitty childhood and then chose to give me one. I have no idea why. I chose differently for my DD. She is thriving and we have a great relationship. I am her biggest champion (as it should be). She confides in me and I keep those confidences. There is trust in the relationship.
2. Go and get married. You don’t have to tell anyone, and if doesn’t have to be fancy. You do however need financial stability for your child/you especially if you have a career break. Do not let your mother have power over this. Also, make a will.
3. Read Philippa Perry’s ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ you have no point of reference for a normal relationship, this is a good starting point. Also there are two titles for daughters of narcissistic mothers recommended on the ‘stately homes’ thread - one is ‘Will I ever be good enough?’ I think the other is something like ‘Toxic mothers’. Have a look.
4. You don’t need to have had a good mother to be a good mother yourself. You need to follow your instincts and let children become the people they want to be - not some perfect creation. Your mother Will be insanely jealous of your ability to parent. This is the best feeling - succeeding where she failed is a great way to stick two fingers up at her.
5. there is no law that you have to continue a relationship with your mother if you choose not to. People who have had a normal childhood do not understand what you have been through - share in spaces like this amongst women who have been through the same about how you feel.
6. you will feel desperately sad as your child reaches some of the milestones at which you received the worst treatment. This is completely normal. Acknowledge your sadness but try and move on. Again, it was not your fault.

I wish you all the best. Motherhood has been the best thing I ever did.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'd unfortunately cease contact with your mum, it's likely your mum will also treat your child poorly. Sometimes you just can't force what isn't there.

Great post @Deltaforce

"My best advice to you right now, would be for you to work on the understanding that you do not have to have your mother in your life.
Bluntly, she will never be the mother you deserve or want her to be and you cannot change her."

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Also far better for your child to not have this awful, abusive person in their life. Best of luck to you.

What delta force wrote

if she is too toxic for you to deal with it is the same deal for your child too.

Keep your child well away from both your parents going forward. I say both as your dad is your mother’s enabler here and cannot be relied upon either. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are either discarded or are as narcissistic as she. He has and will continue to throw you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

You will have to let go of any hope that she will change or say sorry, this is who she is and she will not change. You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W Brown.

Congratulations. You’ll be a lovely mum. Your own mum has taught you what not to do. You have your own little family.

@starbar2020 congratulations on your news¬ why are you still in touch with your toxic mother??? she would have been shown the door many years ago if I had been you. You need to just cut loose! I did it and immediately felt much better and more relaxed. even my hubby noticed it! stopped speaking or visiting her till the day she died!! much less stressful¬

Congrats to you. It sounds like you deserve every happiness in the world. I do think your mother is an ill nasty person who for your sake and your partners and babies sake, you need to keep away from as much as possible.
Say to yourself that unfortunately you had a terrible experience with your mum but you will start a fresh clean chapter now with your new family starting out. She will ruin everything if you LET her. Concentrate now on you and your baby. Please keep her away from your child as she will manipulate both of you.
I wish you all the luck and happiness. Its so sad to read your story. Only you can change the future xxx

I'm sorry you experienced that. It shouldn't be the case and you don't deserve it.

Congratulations on your lovely happy news

Sorry but your mum is a bitch!
Mentally turn away from her, towards your little growing family, and do things your way now
Congratulations!

OP you are not obligated to your mother now you are an adult. Don't expose your baby to this. I would visit once a year at Christmas if that. Did your sister get treated like this also as a child?

Congratulations! OP I am sorry to hear your mum reacted like this. I would suggest finding a good therapist now as having a baby may bring up intense feelings of grief and loss for what you didn't get from her. It will help you break this cycle. Congratulations again.

Your Mum is the one who is broken. Unfortunately this makes her harmful to you. You wouldn't go on using a broken spoon and keep putting a sharp edge in your mouth, would you? Your Mum alas is broken too, so protect yourself.

You have to let go of the idea that one day that spoon won't cut you - it always will. Learn to live differently That is your challenge.

It's very sad, OP. I think when you have a mother like this it's like an ongoing grief - very painful.

I agree with PP. When you have your own child you will care far less about what your mother thinks. It's like a magic elixir.

Keep her at a distance and answer questions in a vague fashion. Ie be as boring as possible. She may well improve if you do that but don't expect it.

Cut her our of your life. She brings nothing to it and its damaging for you. Don't put yourself and your baby through it.

Many congratulations!

You will be a great mum as you can see how very wrong your mum’s behaviour is, and won’t subject your child to it. Ignore your mum and focus on your own growing family.

As some one who had cold, aggressive, difficult parents I can fully empathise.

You need to take control of the relationship and what you want it to look like. Do you want to go no contact? You don't owe your parents anything and dont deserve what you have experienced. You don't mention your dad in this but even if he didn't join in he is still complicit in it and allowed it to happen.

If you do want to keep contact you could limit visits to specific times Ie (their) birthdays. Figure an amount of time you want to stay say an hour and that you have your dp with you for support. Then stick to it and don't be manipulated into more. Only have one form of communication eg text or email. And stick to it. Knowing the boundaries will help it feel manageable.

You will also need to see how she is when your baby is here. If she treats your baby like she did you, would you really want to put your child through that. Don't let her babysit as her behaviour in front of you may be different to when you are not there. You know what she is capable of.

I would recommend more counselling but the focus needs to be on accepting the relationship (or no relationship as it is. You can not change the relationship you have with them but you can accept it and choose if you want to be in it.

Btw I have 3 kids who I love the bones off. I'm very affectionate with them and we are very close (two are adults now) . You will know what you don't want to be as a parent.

What wonderful news that you are having a much wanted baby.

I can empathise my mum was exactly the same as you described yours.

When I told her I was pregnant she said I was too old and there might be something wrong with the baby due to my age etc and to see what the GP thought, he looked at me like I was mad, and said it a good age to be having my first baby, I was 29 at the time!

I am NC with my mum, have been for many years now, she is just too toxic, spiteful and self centred. She hasn’t ever bothered with her grandchildren.

Being a mum myself was the final nail in the coffin regarding my relationship with my mum. I know I could never treat my children as she treated me.

You will be a fantastic mum OP many congratulations.

Congratulations Op
Stop contact with your mother, you have a child to think of

You don't need to torture yourself anymore. Don't let her ruin your pregnancy or have the opportunity to upset you and your child again.
Hope you can put her in the past, continue with the therapy and enjoy a happy life with your partner and child.

Why visit her at all?

You've been emotionally abused by her all your life, and now you're having a baby.

Don't inflict an emotionally abusive grandmother on your child. Don't inflict her on yourself when you're going to be quite vulnerable with what happens to your body and hormones and after the birth the exhaustion and so on. You don't want to end up with PND because she's so awful to you or having stress hormones flowing through your blood stream in pregnancy.

She does you harm. You need to protect yourself (and baby) from her.

Congratulations 🎊

Congratulations! I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy

Your mum and mine could be twins. My childhood sounds exactly like yours. I realised it would never change and slowly went LC. She took it up a notch when my kids were born and I went NC to protect them and my own mental health.

You don't have to stay in contact with her. You don't have to visit her. If she was an acquaintance rather than your mother, you'd be staying well away from her. Being your mother doesn't obligate you to put yourself through this.

What’s your dad like?

personally I’d go very low contact with her. See her less often for much shorter lengths of time.