Difficult relationship with my mother- her reaction to me being 12 weeks pregnant has broken me

[starbar2020]

I suppose I’m posting here to get it off my chest, maybe get some advice or words of wisdom.
I’m 34, with my partner for 4 years and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. We were lucky and our first round of IVF worked and we are over the moon as we were told by our fertility consultant our chance of conceiving was between 5-7%.

I will give a short background to my relationship with my mother for some context. Growing up she was over critical, nasty, demeaning and I was a shell of a child with no confidence and major anxiety. I would be compared to every other child my age and humiliated if I said hello the wrong way or she didn’t like my hair (no exaggeration). School came naturally to me and I did well but nothing was ever good enough for her and if I got 90% she’d be cross and ask what happened the rest of the marks.

I have recollections of car journeys when I was younger being screamed at and then forced to go into a shop and buy her something as I’d be crying my eyes out over what she said. I’ve been told I’m fat, I don’t look nice, and that I constantly lie to her. The lying part had been happening up until recently until I flipped and told her I wasn’t accepting that behaviour and I’d return home when she apologised. I don’t live at home and this happened one day when I visited home.

There have been numerous events that she has ruined as she doesn’t cope well with crowds or big events and takes her worries out on everyone, my sister’s wedding being one. She is quite manipulative and will try to manipulate situations so I visit home telling me there is something wrong with my dad or she needs something and more often than not there’s actually nothing wrong.
I would love to get married at some stage but the thoughts of dealing with a wedding fill me with such dread I can’t see myself ever going through with a wedding, unless we eloped or something.

I had engaged in counselling when we were having difficulty trying to conceive as in life all I ever wanted was a loving relationship/marriage and kids so I found the fact our chances were so low extremely hard to deal with. This has ended up now in counselling over my mothers treatment of me and my psychologist has said I have been emotionally abused for my entire life. I find the counselling helps but there is so much to unpack and go through I don’t know how long it can go on for.

Fast forward to earlier and we decided to tell my parents our good news. I had half my prepared myself for a poor reaction and had pre warned my partner about this. The reaction we got was awful and worse than I imagined. Her first comment was to say in a cold/bitchy tone “ well I hope it works out for you”. And then she followed it up by saying “ you’ll have a great maternity leave with being on career break”. This was nasty as I am currently on career break from a job I was really unhappy in and I am working 4/5 days a week in another role. So her comment about that really stung. We haven’t told them about doing IVF as I just don’t tell her anything in my life and keep boundaries where I can.

I feel embarrassed that she behaved that way in front of my partner and even though I half expected it, I’m upset that it turned out the way I imagined. Maybe somewhere I had a faint hope that she might be happy for us.

I just posted her to vent as even though I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life, I feel flat and deflated since we told them our news. I feel sad for my partner as he didn’t deserve that ( we told his parents already and their reaction was so much better ).
I just feel there is no hope for our relationship, but also devastated that it can’t be different and that it will never be close to normal.
I will only visit my parents now with my partner as I know if I go alone I will be in for a telling off and an angry outburst and I won’t accept that anymore.

My mum was horrid so as soon as I was able I moved out and ran my own life. And didn't see her or talk to her much. She might have impacted my childhood but I didn't let her ruin adulthood. Ignore her.

Congratulations ❤️

I hate to say this but as you become a mum
your awareness of her behaviour is going to become more , not less

keep with the therapy
focus on the ones you love and like more
be prepered to be very low contact

where is your dad in all this ?

Congratulations leave her to it and lower your expectations I have a critical mother took until I was in my thirties to get a positive comment from her (and she said it sarcastically) keep your child away as she will do the same to them do you want them
to spend years feeling upset at all her put downs in the way you did as she will do the same to them

Congratulations!

We could have the same mother. My mother is similar, always critical and negative. I've been called fat, ugly, stupid etc and made to feel like I'm a shit daughter.

Through therapy I've grained validation and emoitonal, physical abusive childhood. I also discovered my mother can't nuture and love as she didn't get things in her childhood and does not have the emotional intelligence to achieve them.

The tactic I use is: limit information, control communication and ignore the comments as they are too many. Sometimes I comment back or make a joke.

The saddest aspect is my mother now has started to my DD- who quite rightly refuses interaction with her GM and her behaviour. Which I'm fully support.

Enjoy your pregnancy and be the mother you always wanted. Thats the best advise I can give.

Some brilliant advice on here, especially from @Deltaforce.

There is a podcast called in sight: exposing narcissism. I, personally, find the narcissism thing a little extreme but I think you would find great solice in, and community, on this podcast/ group or similar. Definitely advise looking at this from a therapeutic lense now you are starting your own family as this may become very triggering for you. Good luck!

This.

OP, my grandmother was rather like your mother — critical, bitter, body-shaming. My mother was a dutiful daughter her whole life, to the point of having her mother living with us for several years in my teens. Which simply made my life a lot worse as she saw me as my mother’s daughter. My mother saw me as an aspect of her, so accepted it as normal. I was delighted when she died.

Stop thinking of yourself as in any way answerable to her.

Enjoy your life.

Thanks so much to all those who replied.Myself and my partner had a long conversation about it all last night. I had told him about her awful treatment of me and last night was only the second time he saw for himself how nasty she can be. She puts on a show around people and is on her best behaviour with anyone outside of family.
Like another poster mentioned, in a way I’m glad he witnessed it as he said he is there to support me in whatever way I need navigating my relationship or what’s left of it with her.
I decided when I bought my house a couple of years ago that I was never going to leave myself alone in a situation with her again. I suffered for years with horrendous migraines/teeth grinding all through stress of dealing with her and funnily enough when I had my own home and space all of this stopped. I genuinely felt like there was a weight off my shoulders and for the first time in my life I felt at peace.
My partner and myself had decided when we were ready to try for a baby and discussing possible childcare etc that she was never going to be an option to look after the child as she is manipulative and dangerous and I just didn’t want the worry of what is she saying/doing when I’m not there.
Funnily enough she sent me a text message this evening about something totally unrelated, there was a “congratulations” in the middle and then another topic unrelated. For me, it makes no difference. She has been horrible and nasty to me too many times now and last night was the latest in a long line of things I could write a book about.
My father although not nasty, has never been able to stop her behaviour or has never made a proper stand against it. He is subject to similar and I partly think the reason why he is such a quiet man in the last few years is that she has just worn him down. Aside from everything she has done/said her general tone and mood on a daily basis is horrific to be around.

My partner has said he would prefer if I just saw her while he is around as he was totally surprised and angry at her behaviour last night and feels if I’m on my own with her it would be a lot worse. I have detached myself from any sort of feelings/emotions towards her and even though I have learned to expect nothing it still hurts a lot when there’s yet another comment/outburst.

Congratulations! This wonderful news for you both and so exciting! I absolutely hear what you are saying with your mum, i had a very similar relationship with mine. I would suggest you keep them at a distance and even stop seeing them if they make you feel so bad. Its your life, you dont have to see them anymore. You shouldn’t feel any kind of loyalty here. Look to the future. Best of luck x

I know going no contact is a big decision, but you don't really seem to be considering it? Why is that?

This! Congratulations OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You can't change who your mother is. All you can do is break the cycle and try to be the kind of mother you wish you had had.

Why on earth do you keep seeing this old sow?? Don't see her again. She's foul

You literally owe this utter bitch completely nothing. Cut her out. You will feel so much happier. Yep she'll try and wheedle her way back in you call tell her go fuck herself. Congrats on escaping this and making a life for yourself. If it's any help after I got pregnant after my first child my mother said - 'oh so now we have to go through all that again'. F'ing sow.

Yep my grandmother was the same. I thought I had to be nice to her because that's what you did. I would happily dance on her grave now.

To the poster who asked why I haven’t cut contact I’m coping reasonably well with the boundaries I have put in place with her. It’s probably easier to just go low contact rather than no contact at all. My dad is a few years older than my mum and he has slowed down considerably in the last few years. I feel if I were to go no contact it would be very hard for him and also because even though he hasn’t exactly done a lot to stop her behaviour, there is no badness/nastiness in him.
I have said that if the nastiness continues throughout my pregnancy I will go no contact for my own mental health. It’s something that I have broached with my counselling and I am working on boundaries and what to say/how to reply when she is being abusive/manipulative.
Im not sure if it’s as a result of my childhood but when anyone says something questionable towards me I totally freeze in the moment and it’s only a few hours later I realise what I should have said. So that’s where my counselling is focused at the minute.
Maybe I should be more accepting and not as hurt over her behaviour yesterday evening as she has finally said congratulations. But i just can’t feel any emotions towards her anymore. Even when she is “behaving normally” she still isn’t even a nice person, wanting to know everyone’s business and gossiping.

OP, another one saying that no contact is a big decision, but the only thing keeping you in touch with your mother is the hope that she will change and one day be happy for you. Spoiler alert. She won't.

Abusive mothers turn into abusive grandmothers.
I stupidly kept up a relationship up with my narcisstic mother because I thought she deserved to have a relationship with her grandchildren. And because I thought that she might spontaneously morph into the lovely mother of my imagining. It wasn't until I realised that she was treating her GC the same way that she did me, that I had the courage to break away. I only feel bad that I exposed my children to her for as long as I did. My DS recently recounted a memory from when he was 5 about her mistreating him. I had mistakenly thought he was too young to realise.

I second the Insight: Exposing Narcissism podcasts - I have found them immensely helpful. This is not your fault.

Well done OP and No, you definitely should NOT be more accepting. I too have this problem of not being aware when I am being having my boundaries overstepped until after, it's like my natural reaction to abuse has been short circuited. It's very nice of you to look after your dad, and congrats on your work in therapy

You will be everything to your child that she wasn't to you.
You will experience what unconditional love is too.
I'm sorry your mother is so heartless but please don't let her spoil your beautiful news xx

She is abusive and probably a narcissist. Do not raise your child around her. Time to cut ties before she damages your child.
Congratulations!

Honestly wouldn't let her near your chld. You owe her NOTHING. If anything like my mother she will try and undermine your parenting and ruin the experience for you.

I have one like this.. they never change. I know it's hard but go no contact, it feels amazing!
Congratulations on your amazing news!

I don't think you need to learn how to find the right thing to say in the moment- there is no reply that's going to work on someone like this. Having to and fro with her will likely escalate the situation not close it down.

I think you need to take yourself out of conversations. She's nasty, you leave/put the phone down.

I don't think counselling aimed at staying in an abusive environment is the best way forward.

Why would you be accepting of a half-assed congratulations in the middle of something else after she was so horrible about the news?

My mother is exactly the same. And that's why I haven't spoken to her for 15, blissful years.

She's never met her granddaughter, and never will, because if she can't be nice to her own daughter, I sure as hell won't expose my daughter to her.

Check out the Stately Homes thread over in relationships for support ✨️