Husband on bail for DV and my affair

[wth1990]

First time poster here so please be gentle.

I'm after some advice or maybe a reality check. My husband is currently on bail for the past year for DV against me and is due his court hearing for assault mid next year. We have children together who have sadly witnessed the abuse and are receiving a lot of help thankfully through SS, schools, support workers,...

I've always been faithful despite his years of cheating and abuse towards me until recently whilst being separated due to bail, I embarked upon an affair with another guy.

The affair has really helped me to 'push away' the trauma of this past year and the impending court hearing and I can say that I have put myself under a false guise of being in a happier place. I am finding myself falling head over heels for this guy who is a great friend, listener, adviser, shows support in pushing me in all aspects of my life- work, fitness etc...shows me genuine concern and not to mention a great lover. I've not had any of this throughout the later years of my marriage so all this seems amazing to me but my friend reminded me that this in essence is what a 'normal relationship' is like.

This guy knows about everything but assumes me and my husband are divorced even though I haven't explicitly said this or denied it when its come up casually in conversation. I don't think the timeline would even make it possible to have got a divorce so part of me thinks that maybe he knows the marriage hasn't completely ended and is just being understanding and not pulling me up on this, allowing me to work through this at my own pace. He has told me that I am everything to him and is quite serious about the relationship. He tells me he loves me but is willing to work at my pace and take things slowly since I have a lot to deal with at the moment. As for me, I sometimes feel the same but when my reality hits me I question what I really want and whether this is all too soon.

Currently i'm in the position where I am awaiting the end of the court hearing where I am allowed contact with my husband again to decide how to proceed- whether that's divorce or not but also the added complication of housing as it stands, I will most likely end up without a home and with big decisions to make regarding housing, finance, security and everything else. I've coped this far by being quite 'avoidant' to face the reality of everything.

I feel terrible that perhaps I am selfishly having a full blown relationship until this happens and then perhaps thinking about how to fix my situation when push comes to shove.

Please tell me what you think I should do? I'm not emotionally ready to potentially lose this guy by telling him the truth but at the same time i'm lying to him and if things progress with us, its all started based on a lie.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can advise if bail conditions can be imposed further after the court hearing and for how long?

Also am I being completely unreasonable and reckless in my actions?

I wouldn't call this an affair - you marriage is clearly over, the only thing missing is the legal paperwork to say so. And it doesn't sound like you've lied either - just speak to your new man!

It's not an affair and sounds like your ex broke any wedding vows long before you did anyway. My advice would always be to proceed with honesty in a new relationship, and it doesn't sound like you need to have this hanging over your head.

Just make sure you are looking out for yourself and taking it slow.

I agree with the first reply, this isn't explicitly an affair however you do need to be open and honest with your new partner.
I'm unsure how this new man is even able to be so understanding of your situation if you've not even told him what's actually going on?

I think you need to put your safety and your children's safety first. Its pretty obvious you need to end it with your husband due to his behaviour.
And then outline this to your partner.

Don't succumb to living a double life. Live one life openly and freely.

See a solicitor and get the divorce process started. Why would you not?

I think you need a professional to help you. Have you tried Women’s aid?
Personally - and i am guessing here - i don’t think you need to be allowed contact with H to initiate divorce. As I presume that you are not considering staying together.

How do the finances/housing work for now? Is he paying towards anything? Why do you think you’ll lose housing?

My new man knows everything thats gone on but thinks im divorced. He has said before that he is really into me and the only thing that would change things between us is if I am still seeing my 'ex'. Technically thats not the case since we arent allowed contact. I'm really enjoying my time with him and by me telling him that im still married might jeopardise everything good that ive got going on with him and that is keeping me sane until court proceedings begin.. I just cant deal with all this now. I want to wait to see if things are indeed serous between us and heading somewhere before i tell him.

starting divorce proceedings wont happen until I know the outcome of the case as at the moment my husband is still doing his bit with covering bills etc for the family home which belongs to his parents. If i initiate proceedings now then i run the real risk of maybe being kicked out of our home where I am with the kids as this will anger him. I think I am buying time until I am in a better mindframe and financial place with somewhere to go if i have to leave here. At the moment, things are constant for the kids. We are still in our home and getting on with things being as normal as they can be despite everything thats happened. Im not sure if im ready to shake it up with throwing a divorce into the mix right now. All that can come later on down the line.

Part of me also wants to have a conversation with my husband to see if anything has changed or whether he has some sort of realisation about his behaviour. He suffers from mental health issues and ive always put his behaviour down to that. I know what he has done for years and years is completely wrong too. Without the house and financial support, things are going to be really hard for me and the kids.

The house will be sorted one way or another in the divorce, the criminal can't kick you out, you're married.
How long have you been dating the new bloke and how much time did you spend on doing the work to heal and educate yourself on abusers, how to avoid them, and also on how the trauma will impact your kids developing brains? Are the kids having the correct therapy they'll require for the trauma they've been exposed to?

Those are the crucial issues. Blokes are ten a penny, if this one freaks out at failing to realise you're married, who cares.

So you’re separated but not divorced.
Go and see a solicitor and find out what financial position you’re likely to be in after a divorce. And look at what you might be able to afford to rent etc on your salary plus any benefits you might be entitled to if you’re no longer living in the family home.
Tell your boyfriend you’re separated and the divorce is in process.

It's not an affair. But yes, I think you are being unwise & reckless to rush into a new relationship so fast. It reeks of love bombing if he's telling you he loves you already in what is a very short relationship.

You are vulnerable due to the DV and probably very lonely after such a miserable marriage. Fine if the new chap is just a casual fling to build your confidence up & have some light hearted fun but it doesn't sound like that. I think you need to be by yourself and learn to be independent and spot crap men before you start something new. If this guy really likes you he'll be prepared to wait a bit.

Get the divorce underway and explain to new man exactly what is going on and see what he says. But be careful not to run from one bad situation into another, all starry eyed and hopeful. It took me 2 years to feel ready to try a proper relationship again after my split and that wasn't with any DV, just a boring old affair on his part.

You are very vulnerable and on the rebound. I totally agree with @Gerwurtztraminer

your posts hint at the hope of reconciliation. Wanting to see if your husband has gained insight into his behavior is a mistake. You can’t continue to expose your children to this violence.

you aren’t technically having an affair as you are separated. You should clarify your current legal position with the boyfriend. If he balks, it is probably for the best. The reality is that your first relationship after exiting a domestic violence marriage is unlikely to be a healthy relationship long term. You need some time to learn to trust in yourself.

It's definitely not an affair, as PP have already reassured you about.

I completely understand doing all you can to survive in this situation. It must be amazing receiving so much love after being with your awful husband.

I do think it's probably too soon for a new relationship, but you're in one now. Just be careful because you don't actually know this other man very well yet. You are very vulnerable at the moment, so make sure you don't get so entrenched in needing his support that you can't manage on your own.

Obviously, please don't even consider going back to your husband. If you stay strong on that now, in a year, five years, ten years time you absolutely won't regret it. Things may be tough for a while, but they'll get better.

ive been with him for just under 3 months. He has been so patient with me which is why i am all starry eyed.

My healing began around 2 years ago when i knew the marriage was over as I allowed myself to accept all of the shit and begin to emotionally distance myself from him. We slept in separate beds and i did my bit by remaining faithful during that time. Ive attended DV courses and am part of a DV support group. The kids are getting help too so the healing has began for them aswell. I'm not sure if i'll ever be ready or able to trust any man but i feel safe with my BF for now. It is helping me immensely. He is very different to my H. Very caring towards me but unstable in terms of job and he is currently living with his parents. My H is a cheating abusive dog but stable job and financially in a great place.

This relationship feels great since I havent felt like ive been understood or appreciated for around a good 8-9 years. I am starting to feel like myself again and even if this new relationship doesnt materialise further beyond a few more months, i feel that this is what I need right now and want to cling onto it

Op

of course your husband cannot change if you walk back in that direction you will regret it for the rest of your life

and honestly you have met a great man be honest and tell him you are not divorced, the house you live in belongs to your exes family and you are worried they will evict you if you try to divorce him

Or are you saying your husband does not believe this relationship is over? Are you saying you have not told him this? And you believe he is expecting to return home?

If so you better make your decisions and fast with regards to both men.

Considering your husband is abusive you are also putting this new man at risk as I would not like to be him if your husband finds out what has been happening

I am truly sorry you are in this situation, but you do need to be completely honest with your new boyfriend the same way you have been here.

Your husband has treated you badly, but that doesn’t give you permission to treat your new boyfriend badly! It’s not fair of you to just string this man along, without him knowing all the facts, until after your court date, so you can then decide if you want to to go back to your husband. This is someone else’s life and emotions, you would be very unreasonable to play with them like that.

It seems like you want to have the best of everything right now. You want your boyfriend to think you’re divorced so that you can carry on living a fantasy with him, but you don’t want to actually be divorced because you want the financial support your husband provided and you still clearly are open to reconciliation.

You have to choose one.

Choose new boyfriend or choose to be single (personally I think this is the right choice!), get divorced, get your head straight. You are not ready for a new relationship right now anyway.

OR

Choose to stay with your husband and the financial stability he provides.

But you can’t have both.

I'm not convinced that being economical with the truth (as that's what it is at best) will do you any favours in the long run.

What will happen if your ex wants to see the kids and you do have to have some contact him (or is that not an issue).?

It sounds like you’ve had a very difficult time, OP, and I understand the desire to avoid telling this new guy the true position.

But it’s so important to be honest on this. At the moment, he believes he’s dating a divorcee but there must be quite a high risk that he will find out you’re not divorced and then he won’t trust you at all.

Plus I agree that your post suggests you think you may reconcile with your H. The fact that you consider yourself to be having an affair says that, not just legally but emotionally, you consider yourself to still be married (I don’t think most people who are separated and dating others consider themselves to be having an affair).

It would almost certainly be a huge mistake to return to your H but if you end things with your BF to return to your H, he will surely find out then that you have been married all along.

You aren't having an affair don't worry.

But I am worried this new boyfriend can see how vulnerable you are and is using you. Don't let things move too fast with you. You have a whole lot of healing to do by yourself first.

You are surely not considering a future with your husband ? What are you thinking?

I think that you’re storing problems for the future.

Either your h is going to be really angry and go after you and your bf

or

Your bf is going to be furious that you’re not properly separated. Your post sounds like that there is a small possibility of reconciliation and your bf will find out that you’re still married if you go back to your h.

I have a feeling that you are not going to do anything but please try and find out what you can expect with regards to housing. You need to be prepared to move quickly if your h finds out about your bf.

Even though he’s cheated multiple times, your h is going to see this as an affair. I don’t think it is but if I was your bf I’d want to know that you weren’t completely free.

I'm sorry for the situation you are and have been in due to DV, but 2 things stand out here. One is that you're keeping the door cracked for possible reconciliation. Please don't do that to yourself and your DC.

The second thing is that allowing New Guy to think you're divorced puts him (all of you, really) in a risky and possibly dangerous position. He has no idea that things aren't over with your husband, and that he's in a relationship with a still-legally-married woman. What if your husband loses it when the truth comes out? New Guy can't make an informed choice about the risk involved. He might be in danger and has no idea.

I'm not saying this to scare you, or to make you feel guilty. But I do think all of you could possibly be in some danger, and your new guy hasn't got a clue.

My H still has contact with the kids as the DV was towards me and not them. He is a great father. I dont know what he has been thinking over the past year I guess i'll only know once ive had a chance to speak to him after bail is lifted. But yes ashamedly I am hopeful that he is taking steps to reform himself. He pleaded not guilty at the hearing and i'll have to see what decision is made at the next court date. Initially he had 4 charges bought to him by CPS= really serious ones that i dont want to mention here incase anyone from his side recognises me from my post. I didnt cooperate with the authorities by backing the evidence (which was substantial) so 3 of the major charges have been dropped with just a single assault charge going forward. I'm afraid that he will get off scott free and then further add to his ego dismissing me as a 'drama queen' in front of everyone who knows us

Beware. No one falls in love faster than a man with nowhere to live.

Also, domestic abusers are absolutely not 'great fathers'. They're scum of the earth, his behaviour choices will have reaching consequences on your poor kids, great fathers are not violent criminals.

Mental health issues are not a reason for abusing you OP, they're just not. And in front of your children? Do not inflict that on them again. By allowing him back into your home you will be allowing that to happen.

You, as the adult, need to protect them. No excuses.

It’s sounding more and more like you’re going to get back with your abusive DH so it’s only fair to tell the boyfriend the whole truth for goodness sake. Lying by omission isn’t going to change the facts; you have an extremely abusive husband, children who’ve witnessed presumably physical, emotional and verbal abuse (and whose recovery will be affected by you going back). You’ve dropped charges so your husband knows he can get away with seriously hurting you (and he’ll definitely do it again) . What on earth are you trying to achieve?
know your in-laws own the house but ffs surely your DCs are worth more than that, they deserve a safe, healthy childhood than you’re close to seriously jeopardising.

And god help you when he gets to hear about your affair…..you’ll certainly need it!