Husband on bail for DV and my affair

[wth1990]

First time poster here so please be gentle.

I'm after some advice or maybe a reality check. My husband is currently on bail for the past year for DV against me and is due his court hearing for assault mid next year. We have children together who have sadly witnessed the abuse and are receiving a lot of help thankfully through SS, schools, support workers,...

I've always been faithful despite his years of cheating and abuse towards me until recently whilst being separated due to bail, I embarked upon an affair with another guy.

The affair has really helped me to 'push away' the trauma of this past year and the impending court hearing and I can say that I have put myself under a false guise of being in a happier place. I am finding myself falling head over heels for this guy who is a great friend, listener, adviser, shows support in pushing me in all aspects of my life- work, fitness etc...shows me genuine concern and not to mention a great lover. I've not had any of this throughout the later years of my marriage so all this seems amazing to me but my friend reminded me that this in essence is what a 'normal relationship' is like.

This guy knows about everything but assumes me and my husband are divorced even though I haven't explicitly said this or denied it when its come up casually in conversation. I don't think the timeline would even make it possible to have got a divorce so part of me thinks that maybe he knows the marriage hasn't completely ended and is just being understanding and not pulling me up on this, allowing me to work through this at my own pace. He has told me that I am everything to him and is quite serious about the relationship. He tells me he loves me but is willing to work at my pace and take things slowly since I have a lot to deal with at the moment. As for me, I sometimes feel the same but when my reality hits me I question what I really want and whether this is all too soon.

Currently i'm in the position where I am awaiting the end of the court hearing where I am allowed contact with my husband again to decide how to proceed- whether that's divorce or not but also the added complication of housing as it stands, I will most likely end up without a home and with big decisions to make regarding housing, finance, security and everything else. I've coped this far by being quite 'avoidant' to face the reality of everything.

I feel terrible that perhaps I am selfishly having a full blown relationship until this happens and then perhaps thinking about how to fix my situation when push comes to shove.

Please tell me what you think I should do? I'm not emotionally ready to potentially lose this guy by telling him the truth but at the same time i'm lying to him and if things progress with us, its all started based on a lie.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can advise if bail conditions can be imposed further after the court hearing and for how long?

Also am I being completely unreasonable and reckless in my actions?

No he hasn't met the kids and no intention for that happening anytime soon.

I told him about my situation after a month or so after we started dating so my vulnerabilities had no impact on him getting involved

Abusers can sense vulnerable.
Single mum with kids is potentially pretty vulnerable from the offset tbf.

You mention how he's "been patient". Yet it's 3 months in and the guy is already telling you he loves you. Knowing that it's obviously not ok to be putting that on you right now. You're just out of an abusive relationship. Its boundary pushing.

Other things that could have gave away vulnerability early on without you even telling him your situation might include - you were visibly exhausted or shaken, your self esteem seemed low (things like- you may have over appolpgised for things) or you ignored and accepted red flag, boundary pushing behaviours from him.

You've been abused for years and abusers train us to be perfect abuse victims. Other abusers can find you because you have a bullseye on your back. Until you do the healing.

You're even still talking about potentially letting a man who assaulted you back into your life. That's what abuse victims who haven't healed do. And it's the sort of mindet that predators can sense. The 'making excuses for them' mindset.

You didn't need to tell him about your past, it would have been apparent from your mannerisms, demeanour and choices from the moment you started dating.

Maybe I'm bring harsh but op, maybe he is a good egg. But I very much doubt it.

This is so utterly sad; it’s gut wrenching. You’re clearly hoping to get back with him, possibly for financial reasons. Can you not think about your kids, they cannot live with you both again, they have witnessed enough, you cannot put them through it again, and I suspect if you try to social services will step in.

OP, I know it sounds really harsh that people are questioning this new man but, honestly, the only reason you're not seeing it yourself is because you're so vulnerable right now.

And you won't see that either. Not really.

I know that this new man is a symbol of hope, a distraction, fun, feels safe etc but you barely know him. You might have known him to chat to at the gym but that's not actually 'knowing' someone.

When my marriage ended 12 years ago, I was bemoaning life to a pretty new male friend of mine. He was interested initially but, when I started to open up about background, he friendszoned himself.

He told me that I was vulnerable but couldn't see it. He also told me (very kindly) that any decent man would back off at that point because a) they would recognise I needed to heal amd that I wasn't in a place to date and b) they wouldn't want to be involved in a potential shot show and wpuld have good enough boundaries and self esteem to not want to be involved.

He was right. I could see it at the time too but, 12 years on, I can see with much more clarity than I could then.

There is a lot of 'chaos' in your posts and anyone decent would recognise that

Gently, someone doesn’t need to be told why someone is vulnerable, they can sense it.

I think the majority of posters on here could tell you were vulnerable by the way you speak, even if you hadn’t mentioned all of the other issues.

That’s not an insult, that’s just facts and so someone like you has to be extra careful with any partner you get with.

You do need to be honest with him and make sure he understands that you share DCs and that means you may need to have contact with DH.