Husband on bail for DV and my affair

[wth1990]

First time poster here so please be gentle.

I'm after some advice or maybe a reality check. My husband is currently on bail for the past year for DV against me and is due his court hearing for assault mid next year. We have children together who have sadly witnessed the abuse and are receiving a lot of help thankfully through SS, schools, support workers,...

I've always been faithful despite his years of cheating and abuse towards me until recently whilst being separated due to bail, I embarked upon an affair with another guy.

The affair has really helped me to 'push away' the trauma of this past year and the impending court hearing and I can say that I have put myself under a false guise of being in a happier place. I am finding myself falling head over heels for this guy who is a great friend, listener, adviser, shows support in pushing me in all aspects of my life- work, fitness etc...shows me genuine concern and not to mention a great lover. I've not had any of this throughout the later years of my marriage so all this seems amazing to me but my friend reminded me that this in essence is what a 'normal relationship' is like.

This guy knows about everything but assumes me and my husband are divorced even though I haven't explicitly said this or denied it when its come up casually in conversation. I don't think the timeline would even make it possible to have got a divorce so part of me thinks that maybe he knows the marriage hasn't completely ended and is just being understanding and not pulling me up on this, allowing me to work through this at my own pace. He has told me that I am everything to him and is quite serious about the relationship. He tells me he loves me but is willing to work at my pace and take things slowly since I have a lot to deal with at the moment. As for me, I sometimes feel the same but when my reality hits me I question what I really want and whether this is all too soon.

Currently i'm in the position where I am awaiting the end of the court hearing where I am allowed contact with my husband again to decide how to proceed- whether that's divorce or not but also the added complication of housing as it stands, I will most likely end up without a home and with big decisions to make regarding housing, finance, security and everything else. I've coped this far by being quite 'avoidant' to face the reality of everything.

I feel terrible that perhaps I am selfishly having a full blown relationship until this happens and then perhaps thinking about how to fix my situation when push comes to shove.

Please tell me what you think I should do? I'm not emotionally ready to potentially lose this guy by telling him the truth but at the same time i'm lying to him and if things progress with us, its all started based on a lie.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can advise if bail conditions can be imposed further after the court hearing and for how long?

Also am I being completely unreasonable and reckless in my actions?

My suggestion would be to seek, engage with, domestic abuse services. It seems like you are in need of a lot of support. you need advice around housing and finances, you need to be realistic about splitting up and start facing the changes that will need to happen for you to live independent from you husband.

*”Part of me also wants to have a conversation with my husband to see if anything has changed or whether he has some sort of realisation about his behaviour.” - it’s concerning that you feel this way. He won’t change and it sounds like he has done some significant harm to you!

If I were you I’d put the current relationship on pause. You need to sort of the situation with your husband and housing etc before jumping in to a new relationship. You also need to make sure you have done some work to keep yourself safe from future abusive relationships.

I rarely post on here but am so alarmed by your posts OP that I felt I had to. Your husband was accused of really serious abuse against you and you didn't co-operate with the CPS and are keeping the door open to reconciliation? You think he is a great father? With respect and kindness, get. a. grip.
Do not do this to your children or yourself. Are you working? Try to become more financially secure. Talk to a solicitor re divorce and your rights/entitlements asap.
Re the new man, three months is nothing. It is not an affair as others have told you, and you are separated clearly. Enjoy the confidence boost and fun but don't be blinded by having the perfect happy ending. You clearly need counselling. I hope you have support and family to help you see the truth of your situation.

Why are you afraid of him getting off 'scot free' when you did nothing to support the police and prosecution services with having him potentially convicted of ALL the charges brought against him?
I don't understand the mindset.
I cannot comprehend the trauma both you and your children have been through but the fact that you are seemingly hedging your bets and potentially are thinking of subjecting your poor children to that kind of behaviour again astounds me. Because he will be abusive to you again.
You do yourself a disservice but worst of all, because they have no say in it, you do your children a disservice. A great father does not knock 10 bells of shit out the woman they profess to love.

Hi Op

I am implore you to work on yourself and heal before getting serious with another partner. With kindness, are you a good picker of men at the moment?

Sounds like you and your family have been through a horrific experience.

Your new BF could be an absolute diamond of a bloke but equally he could be love-bombing you as you are vulnerable woman. Please be wary. You have DC and have just come out of an abusive relationship, please take things glacially slowly.

Your DH is NOT a good father - he beat you up, which your DC saw. They will probably never, ever forget that.

It sounds like you are hoping to get back with your ex, which comes across as incredibly naïve and somewhat cruel, considering your poor kids already had to witness his abuse.

You may find that any attempt to reconcile would result in more SS involvement and the potential of you having the children removed from your care. SS will not happily allow you two to live together again after what the kids have already been through, and rightly so.

This new guy sounds lovely but if you're going to pine after the man who abused you you should let him go so he can find someone who is equally invested in him.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but it just seems insane for you to want an abuser back. He is the same man, OP. He always will be.

I really appreciate the responses of the hard truth. I dont have anyone to speak to about the full situation as I am hoping to do here with an outsider perspective. I didnt cooperate with authorities as i felt pressure from my almost teen DC to lessen the impact on their dad.

so.
am gony be harsh. (please do not confuse as unsympathetic)you asked,from what youve said im gonna say what i see.ok.
You may well have got into relationship as a coping mechanism. You havent been straight up honest. so.Thats not bloody fair.
Youre quite ok to lead mr nice guy up the garden path .And you actually are;despite doing dv group\support your nothing like healed. your dv husband had 3 SERIOUS charges dropped cos you were too- what?scared?felt guilty exposing him?what?

you called him a great father.No he isnt. Good fathers do NOT require court proceedings to protect the other parent.he is an abuser.tell YOURSELF the truth ,please.

the sort of triangle of abuse thing is abuser-victim-rescuer
you havent been honest with mr newman so he isnt aware of the dynamic hes stepped into. cant you see the shift in whos wear what label.
i am in no way suggesting you do not deserve love,happiness,devotion.
I do not believe your in a position to offer it back tho. As for waiting to talk once bail conditions are lifted.
SCREAMS of- willing to slip back into the same shit cos more convienient than upheavel of moving\contact for kids wtc.
am sorry that seems brutal.i know this is a crap place to be. Leopards and spots.Yes,change is possible.
So wwhy not you change. Be honest with yourself/your support workers who presumeably dont know your in the sidelines waiting to see which way your abuser jumps?
good luck

Why can't you start divorce proceedings now? That will give you more financial security.

SS will get involved to protect your DC if you go back to 'D'H. The fact that you were unwilling to co-operate with the DV case shows that you have form for putting 'D'H above the safety of yourself and your DC - which is wrong.

The fact that you are even wondering about having a chat with him to see if he has 'changed' shows me you are not ready for another relationship.

It took me a really long time to understand that great fathers don't abuse the mother of their children. We had already divorced before the abuse started but I kept saying he's a good dad. He bloody wasn't. He's damaged my son so badly, I don't think he'll ever get over it.

So don't beat yourself up if that still seems hard to believe. But anyone here will tell you it's the truth. He is a terrible father and a shit husband.

You need to just be honest with him.

You’re not having an affair because you’re not together with your ex.

Lots of people are separated but not divorced as it can often be complicated.

If this man has an issue with you still being married because you haven’t been able to physically get a divorce yet, then he’s not the man you want to be with.

I understand why he’s worried about you having contact with the ex but as you share children then this is going to have to happen sooner or later.

I’m very happy that you are happy but you need to remember that you don’t know what a healthy reaction looks like.

I am a bit concerned for you that’s it’s only been 3 months and you seem quite heavily involved with him already.

Just remember that all men are lovely at first and it’s important that you don’t move in with this man or have him in your home too often for at least a couple of years.

You and your children need to have a home where it’s just you guys and not have another man stay over too much or move in, when you’ve all been through so much.

I completely agree.

Having DV in the home is now classed as child abuse.
So their dad is guilty of child abuse.

No good parent would do something that requires their children to have multiple professionals helping them with their trauma.

As a child of DV myself, I do think you need to keep the communication open and depending on their ages they can decide whether they want to see him or not.

But you should never say that’s he’s a good dad because he isn’t.

Men don't change. Your abusive, violent twat of a husband will always be that way, and your ne'er-do-well boyfriend who doesn't have a stable job and lives with his parents will always be that way. Take it from a woman who's well into her sixth decade--MEN DON"T CHANGE.

See a solicitor, divorce the abuser and give yourself some time to figure out what you really want in life, for you and your children, before you attempt a new relationship. You also need counseling to find out why you think substandard men are your only option.

They happily continue to see him and would probably get really mad at me and rebel if I try to stop the contact. They are approaching their teens and do a lot of fun activities with their dad. So no matter what, they will see him. Yes you are right. I refer to him as a good dad but he isnt as an abuser makes for a shit dad but the kids dont see it this way for now.

I know my healing journey will take years as is the case with women that have been through DV.

I am dicing with danger so will need to correct my ways. If H finds out about the new man then ill probably be forced out of the property owned by his parents.

im not entitled to any benefits and am actively saving to be able to buy a property with help from family. Thank god I am close enough to that goal but need to probably press on with a divorce to ensure the assets aren't taken into account if i do so before the divorce.

God, i feel so sick at everything that ive got myself into with the new relationship and everything else and what makes it worse is im feeling hormonal as im about to come on.

Thank you for helping me open my eyes through this shitshow

Not sure why it's an affair... Your husband is your ex regardless of your divorced or not, some people never get divorced but still desperate.. it's not an affair 😒

Back to what i said here

'im not entitled to any benefits and am actively saving to be able to buy a property with help from family. Thank god I am close enough to that goal but need to probably press on with a divorce to ensure the assets aren't taken into account if i do so before the divorce.'

as it stands, i will lose out more than him financially with a divorce despite his very wealthy family cleverly doing what they do

I have to agree with @tolerable you aren’t being honest: with yourself or to Mr ‘I’m hedging my bets’ wonderful and quite frankly, you are making a messy situation messier. New man assuming you were divorced is not an ‘reason’ to not set him straight.

You’re avoidant and have a rather short term way of looking at things. So what’s the plan? String new man along, while keeping your H sweet with not pressing for a divorce. All this talk of ‘needing’ the new relationship is bs and an excuse to not to deal with your situation authentically.

It’s time you were honest and you should start with yourself.

How did you meet your bf?

3 months in and he already knows all about the abuse, social services involved and court case...and he says he loves you. I'm sorry to say it but I'm very concerned for you that you have fallen for love bombing and he chose you because you are an easy target.

Reading your post apart from the prison part really took me back in time. I went from one abusive relationship to another a couple times. Each time shared deep emotional stuff very fast and fell for love bombing. Each time compared to what I had just been through I thought this was amazing.

There is a real fear of being alone for many of us. It came up a fair bit in my woman's aid group sessions. You can logically know that but not see it when you walk into the next abusers arms.

You really really need to stay single for a bit. See how you can do everything single how strong and capable you are. Learn who you are and what you like rather than just doing what the partner wants and not even realising you don't like stuff because your focus is always on improving the relationship not yourself. You need a big long gap and time single. Really do some self development and learn about DV- there is a book 'why does he do that?' And you absolutely should do group sessions of the freedom program from woman's aid. When you have done that you start tentatively dating and never just dive in with the first man to be nice.

The affair is irrelevant. Start your divorce. If you can't find somewhere to live then let them kick you out and get social housing. I was homeless when I left my last abusive ex with 2 small children. I had tenants in my property and couldn't go home and couldn't afford the legal fees to evict them for months. Didn't qualify for help with housing or even benefits because of the property. It was the most horrific time of my life. I didn't have time to date. I was working all hours juggling childcare budgeting looking for all the things I needed second hand, keeping brave face for the kids. Then when finally home and qualified for tax credits to help with childcare I had the divorce dragging on and debt to pay off. It was a long time before I started thinking of dating and then I saw as so poor I couldn't afford babysitting so things had to go very very slow. And I realised what I had achieved and how strong I was and I saw the red flags in people with online dating. Changing my profile to make no mention of a less than perfect history and not mentioning the DV and all the drama for a good few dates I realised the type of men I was speaking to had far far less reg flags because I no longer was an obvious easy victim.

Please please. Just give up on dating and your marriage and focus on yourself and sorting your life. Or you will likely end up in another abusive relationship

Your kids are preteen and there is social services involvement because of the DV. Children witnessing violence is abusive to them as well as you and however he may be with them independently, if you take him back there will be repercussions.

This is a much bigger thing to think about than your new relationship.

I would be very worried for your safety and that of your new bloke when your ex finds out about this, which he will almost certainly (if erroneously) see as an affair. All a sensible person should want in the wake of your experience is to nurture and mind their children, heal themselves and rebuild their lives in terms of work, housing, etc. Your new chap - or any chap - is something for way way down the line.

I'm sorry but I think your decision making here is really poor on a number if reasons (recollection, not cooperating with CPS, next man pretty quickly etc.)

You really need to simplify your life and that of your children. All of you need a quiet, steady, healing period. Having a bed nan enter the equation is just shirt sighted and a recipe for disaster.

This.
You don't need to talk to him about where you go from here. Just file for divorce and get it over with.

You didn't cooperate with the authorities?! Why on earth would you take legal advice/pressure on that from your child?! Please change your mind, you need to tell the authorities immediately that you are willing to back the evidence.

After 3 months this new boyfriend barely knows you, you sound a bit naive.

Get your soon-to-be-ex-husband convicted, get divorced, get counselling, stay single for a long, long time.

I know its an utter nightmare position- and the kids adoring dad makes you almost doubt your experiences.Or almost villify yourself for being his target.
Its so hard to navigate.
Which is why i cant stress enough that you are honest,with yourself.+particularly with your support circle.
The fact you know your current squeeze is likely to come underfire is a major concern.
Especially as your holding back with divorce whenyou have all cards stacked in your favour at the moment.Presumeably gony red\rag bull when ex gets hold of that. its unfair,but id hnestly ditch the new guy.
you have to put YOU as the lead role,so you can move on,and be mum kids need

If I were seeing someone who’s led me to believe they were divorced, when in fact they were “technically” not seeing their husband but open to the idea of staying with them and considering a conversation about that, I’d feel deceived and strung along and would end the reltionship

things aren’t clean. If you’re separated then fair enough, but you’re not really are you?

@wth1990

You are being extremely unfair to the OM. You're allowing him to think you are divorced all the while you are actually undecided about ending your marriage. You want to 'see if he's changed' before you decide.

I suppose you're also being unfair (technically) to your current husband who isn't aware that you've embarked on a new relationship and who I assume thinks there's a chance for the marriage to be repaired. Personally I think you'd be stupid to EVER go back into a marriage where abuse has taken place, but hey ho up to you.

You need to be honest with OM because you have taken his right to decide his own future away from him. If you truly aren't sure about divorce you need to tell him and that the two of you need to take a HUGE step backwards until you've made up your mind and announced your intentions to your husband. And you need to be very sure you aren't looking at OM as a 'way out' of your marriage without facing homelessness or financial loss.