Husband on bail for DV and my affair

[wth1990]

First time poster here so please be gentle.

I'm after some advice or maybe a reality check. My husband is currently on bail for the past year for DV against me and is due his court hearing for assault mid next year. We have children together who have sadly witnessed the abuse and are receiving a lot of help thankfully through SS, schools, support workers,...

I've always been faithful despite his years of cheating and abuse towards me until recently whilst being separated due to bail, I embarked upon an affair with another guy.

The affair has really helped me to 'push away' the trauma of this past year and the impending court hearing and I can say that I have put myself under a false guise of being in a happier place. I am finding myself falling head over heels for this guy who is a great friend, listener, adviser, shows support in pushing me in all aspects of my life- work, fitness etc...shows me genuine concern and not to mention a great lover. I've not had any of this throughout the later years of my marriage so all this seems amazing to me but my friend reminded me that this in essence is what a 'normal relationship' is like.

This guy knows about everything but assumes me and my husband are divorced even though I haven't explicitly said this or denied it when its come up casually in conversation. I don't think the timeline would even make it possible to have got a divorce so part of me thinks that maybe he knows the marriage hasn't completely ended and is just being understanding and not pulling me up on this, allowing me to work through this at my own pace. He has told me that I am everything to him and is quite serious about the relationship. He tells me he loves me but is willing to work at my pace and take things slowly since I have a lot to deal with at the moment. As for me, I sometimes feel the same but when my reality hits me I question what I really want and whether this is all too soon.

Currently i'm in the position where I am awaiting the end of the court hearing where I am allowed contact with my husband again to decide how to proceed- whether that's divorce or not but also the added complication of housing as it stands, I will most likely end up without a home and with big decisions to make regarding housing, finance, security and everything else. I've coped this far by being quite 'avoidant' to face the reality of everything.

I feel terrible that perhaps I am selfishly having a full blown relationship until this happens and then perhaps thinking about how to fix my situation when push comes to shove.

Please tell me what you think I should do? I'm not emotionally ready to potentially lose this guy by telling him the truth but at the same time i'm lying to him and if things progress with us, its all started based on a lie.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can advise if bail conditions can be imposed further after the court hearing and for how long?

Also am I being completely unreasonable and reckless in my actions?

If husband cheated then all bets are off. You are free to do what you like whether you live with them or not.

The fact that you are even remotely considering reconciliation with a man who is due in court for dv against you (no mean feat getting CPS to charge, never mind prosecute)even on the one charge, let alone 3 others, is absolutely horrifying.

Why?

Why would you put yourself in harm's way?

Why would you put your dc in harms way? (oh, and you say he's a good dad and would never hurt them - I'd bet my house you once thought he was a good husband and would never hurt you either)

He's not a good person, will NEVER be a good husband, and is in no way a good dad.

The rest about your new fella - meh. Lives are complicated. Neither me or my dp were officially divorced when we got together. But if I knew for a moment he was considering reconciling with a violent ex I would have dropped him in a heartbeat. He's the least of your worries op.

Get some advice about the divorce, the likely settlement and any benefits you might be entitled to (unless you're on £££ you might be surprised).

Jesus. I'm truly flabbergasted you're even condisering getting back with him. Ffs.

“He is a great father”

eh?

You are absolutely mental to be even thinking about that.

what the fuck are you thinking?

I havent spoken to H in a year, havent had a relationship with him in 3 years albeit living together. I do feel 'separated' cut off from him and the marriage has been rocky for around 8 years.

I met newguy at my gym. Started off as friendly banter, things became a little serious and after around a month and a bit of seeing each other i revealed about the DV past, courtcase so im unsure whether to necessarily view it as him seeing me as an easy target as he didnt know any of this at first and things were heating up.

It is my first relationship in say 3 years and i totally get what a previous poster said about not revealing anything that may appeal to guys looking for an easy target. i felt comfortable enough to share with him.

As for my H, i'm not necessarily intending to get back with him as i know the damage has made it impossible to do so. We spoke about divorce a lot towards the end but neither of us has initiated anything

Thanks to the poster who recommended the Freedom Program. Ive looked it up and sent an email. My last DV course ended in August and I definitely think another one will help.

Personally i think you are unwise to invest so much in a new relationship given the circumstances. It would be better to focus on your children and sorting out your situation with regard to housing, money etc. The fact that you are letting him think you are divorced is a red flag - you are not being honest with him.

Apologies if I have missed anything and have this wrong, but with legal restrictions on contact, and so much to sort not to mention the actual divorce, how could you possibly of managed to tie everything up. So ...this should be easy. Just tell him, and ask him for a hand to hold to get through it all!

It's not unreasonable at all for you to have fallen for him, stuck your head in the sand and cracked on with a bit of happiness. Your friend is right, kindness and understanding is just a normal relationship. He will totally understand and he will respect your honesty, possibly even a little endearing your focus has just been on him . You haven't done anything wrong really, just didn't go into detail. And he will understand that you just couldn't cope with doing so. ☺️ Good luck!

Ooooh, I massively missed something. Next time I'll read through.

Abusive bastards are not great fathers. They are the worst fathers.

And you very clearly need some help and support before getting into another relationship. Especially if your plan with him is anything other than paperwork.

Wow.

Telling the boyfriend that the divorce hasn’t been started yet is irrelevant. OPs sole focus should be on the traumatised child abuse victims and staying away from blokes entirely. If she does need a boyfriend years down the line she can pick one who can at least hold down a job and house himself. As a pitifully bare minimum.

Well yes I know that now!!! 😂😂

As for my H, i'm not necessarily intending to get back with him as i know the damage has made it impossible to do so. We spoke about divorce a lot towards the end but neither of us has initiated anything

You're insane. Literally. Not necessarily?

Never mind having to find somewhere to live (which could be easily done with the assistance of Women's Aid and social housing, as you'd be deemed homeless due to being a victim of domestic abuse needing to leave your ex's parents' property), you are very likely, once the nearly teen tells Daddy all about Mummy's Friend, to get beaten to death/stabbed/strangled and everything else that happens when somebody gets into a new relationship. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest, either. New boyfriends also tend to get murdered as well by men like that.

And yet you're telling yourself he might be sorry and you could get back together with him? Hopefully, Social Services will be alert to the possibilities so they can at least save those children the prospect of watching/hearing it happen to you.

Very gently OP - it sounds like you need more support from your DV group as you sound very passive and hopeful that your DH will see the light. He wont - the rate of people who stop being abusive is vanishingly small. You need to get legal advice around housing, separation and your rights. Better to do it now, rather than waiting until your DH is free and there is no reason for him to behave himself. And for gods sake, if he does anything else to you, cooperate with the police.

@wth1990

Having read your updates - I think the new relationship of 3mo isn’t really an issue.

Doesn’t matter what you tell or not tell the guy right now. Way too early to wonder what’ll happen with him.
Just enjoy it for what it is atm. It gives you support and distraction from your life - great.

The much bigger issue is you lack of thinking about the future for you and your kids.
Your kids witnessed DV. Yet you did not cooperate with authorities and charges were dropped? Really?
When kids are old enough to understand - what would they learn from that?

You are clinging to your abusive H for financial security - but don’t seem to have any plans for sorting out your life to be free.
If the house belongs to inlaws - have you talked to them about the future given what is happening?

What are your options for work/benefits/etc?

Looks like you are just waiting for the case to go away so that you get back with H - to not rock the boat. And having a bit if fun with the new guy while that happens.
This wont end well.

OP did your new boyfriend know you were recently out of a DV relationship? Unfortunately there are men who target women in that situation, as they are vulnerable and easily impressed by 'love bombing'

I would really recommend you get some support around recognising and recovering from DV (like the freedom programme) and take some time- a year at least - to truly recover

get some advice from a solicitor about divorce- and the house. We have a housing crisis in this country and even as a DV survivor a local authority may simply not be able to house you

good luck

“I want to wait to see if things are indeed serous between us and heading somewhere before i tell him.”

Why wait to see if it gets serious? If things do get serious you then tell him you’re not divorced he then might think you have lied/kept that from him and risk loosing him and by that time strong feelings may be there. If you tell him sooner rather than later at least you’ve been upfront with him and he can accept your not divorced yet and the marriage is over so continue a relationship with you or he might not like that your not divorced yet and leave you before everyone gets strong feelings. If he knows the rest of the details why leave this one out?

@newtlover shes answered that already, and about freedom project. If you click ‘see all’ on an OPs comment it’ll show all their replies.

Why on earth would you want to get back with your husband after he’s abused you physically and mentally.
Why are you calling this an affair when to a reasonable person would say this marriage is over.
I think you need to consider something like the freedom programme . You deserve to be happy OP and that can never happen with a man who beats you

New guy sounds like a love bomber.

How gas he been 'so patient' when you're only 3 months in. And already he's giving you the 'I love you' patter.

Sorry op but you're potentially dating another manipulator. It's so so common for this to happen. Leaving one relationship that's abusive for another that seems the total opposite..
at first.

Please say you've not let him near your kids.

Best advice would be this, at least this has been a nice destraction for a while but you need to be single now and focus on your kids.

I can't surely have read you are interested in whether or not your abuser has has a change if heart!? Why the fuck does that matter! Its totally irrelevant. You don't take back people enough assault you infront of your kids.

You need to be single for a good while and do the freedom programme before even considering dating again.

Call time on the current fling (which us what a 3 month thing is. Not love) and focus on your kids.

Read up on how to spot love bombing too as it sounds like you're dealing with it.

Also do all the reading you can on narcissistic abuse. Doctor ramani on YouTube is good on that subject.

You have kids, and yourself, to protect. Start doing that. No men for a while.

Bloody hell, OP.

I really don't know what to say.

You need to shake yourself, truly.

to decide how to proceed- whether that's divorce or not

Why would you not divorce your scum bag estranged husband??

You are very vulnerable at the moment.

A decent man, upon realising this, would stay well clear.

The fact this new man hasn't shows he either doesn't understand the impact of DV and therefore how vulnerable you are or he isn't a decent man.

You're living a fantasy at the moment and run the very real risk of it coming crashing down.

Your children need some stability now and not for you to be preoccupied with another man.

Whatever support they are receiving will not undo the impact of the DV they have experienced, it will just, hopefully, give them tools to deal with their emotions as time goes by.

I wonder if you're so invested in this new man because you see him as being able to rescue you if you decide not to reconcile with your husband.

And yes, SS would take a very dim view of that

Is part of you waiting for your husband to come back? It sounds like your new relationship is normal and you are not used to it. Please don’t let this man back into your life. Start the divorce process, you can do it online. Speak to womens aid. Contact gingerbread they may be able to advise you about entitlement and some finances. Also go to a solicitor. Please don’t let your ex back in can you get an injunction in place permanently so the children have supervised contact going forward?

Jesus you've been drinking the cool aid haven't you?

A man who assaults his wife repeatedly and is being prosecuted for it especially when the CPS considers it a serious charge isn't a "great father";he's a violent criminal who's brought domestic violence and abuse into his children's home.

As someone who grew up as a child in a home where domestic violence was present I can tell you it scars you mentally and emotionally.

Has new man met your kids?

I hope this guy you are with dumps you if he finds out you are still married and lied about it. He could be next to be cheated on.

DV Topic: so you are deciding to stay with this person just because of your own financial/housing situation? I feel for you but I hope you find a way

Just a heads up op, anywhere from 1 in 100 up to 1 in 25 men are paedophiles (meaning ONLY attracted to kids. There are also far more with paedophilic tendencies).

Who do you think these men target?
Single, vulnerable mothers.

How do they target them?
Finding them at their weakest and love bombing them.

Ask yourself, why would any normal man get super involved with a women who's still married to an abuser? He wouldn't. Someone who does that has issues of their own.

Best case scenario, he's a rescuer. Emotionally unhealthy and liable to become codependent. Your kids don't need this right now. Worst case scenarios - another abuser, a paedo or even someone that wants something from you like a con artist.

Sorry op but get your divorce rolling ASAP and remove both these men from your life. You need to put your kids first.