OLD - Hello as a first message - instant unmatch?

[Vegandiva]

That’s it really, I’m wondering if anyone has ever had a decent relationship with someone whose first message on OLD after matching is a zero effort Hello, Hi, How are you, Hey, etc. 🙂

It’s not about saying exactly the right thing though. It’s about making more effort than just one word! 🙄

why is it implied you are somehow ‘too fussy’ for just expecting a bit of effort. Is the bar really so low?

Bear in mind also that there's a ton of men on those apps and a lot of them just swipe right on everyone to cast a wide net and they do this across multiple platforms. If you're getting swamped with likes endlessly, this is why.

I'm a guy and I have multiple apps but I don't swipe right on everyone, I actually look and read. I'm getting likes and messages but the way the apps work, I have no idea who they are unless I pay, some you can't even reply. I'm not going to pay for them all.

I won't just say 'hi' but a bit more than that. However, I'm not going to go into depth on the first message with something deep as I have no idea who they are, whether they can or will see it or even reply.

You may think men should say more but some men don't know this. From what I gather from what I've been told and read, the ones that do know and seemingly say all the right things are using it as a hook, before going down that familiar path.

Was just going to say something similar. I don’t think we’re expecting anyone to send a perfect message and I’m ok with something a bit clumsy if it shows they’ve actually read my profile and made a bit of effort other than pinging out 👋 all day in hope of a response.

Weve all sent nice messages out that have been ignored - that’s the reality of OLD. But it doesn’t mean we give up or set our bar low.

I have to say anyone calling me babe darling sexy gorgeous in first message is an instant red flag as well.

Exactly, I’m all ears 😆

I’m on Bumble so the woman messages first. Yes I’d say at least half of the time dont get a response or I get a closed answer that gives me nowhere to go but it doesn’t mean I would ever revert to just a hi.

It takes a couple of minutes tops to read a profile, find common ground and something to reference as an opener but imo it makes a big difference.

I agree @Rainydays777

All the comments about possibly 'missing out' on men who fall below our bar...here's the thing...we WANT to miss out on those men. We have chosen that we'd rather be single than go out with a man who makes no effort. You are very welcome to choose to go out with one, but don't assume others are missing out if they make a different choice.

Christ. DP messaged with “hey how was your day?” And we’ve been together 7 years. He’s a proper good one too.

I gave everyone a chance even with basic openers. Heaven forbid, I actually messaged quite a few of them first.

If it was true that an opening message of hello could be generalised to be an indicator of someone’s investment and effort in a relationship I certainly wouldn’t be married right now.

Well I would expect slightly more than just 'hello'. Although, to be honest, I stopped sending longer messages first because I was sick of getting no reply after making the effort to come up with something interesting and that related to their profile. So I resorted to 'hey how are you?'.

agreed, i have no ambivalence about instant unmatch for 👋🏻

😁

I used to reply with the same level of effort.. needless to say… it never got very far….! If they couldn’t put some effort in and think of anything more to say at the start… I certainly wasn’t going to either… 🙄

i met my dh on old, we married 10wks ago and his opening message was hi, we chatted for a few days, exchanged numbers, met up quickly (within 8days) and the rest is history.

Hello isn’t so bad, it’s at least a polite opener. My last contact on OLD before I deleted it all and gave up was “awright darlin wot u up to lol”

I did comment on the difficulty of not being cheesy. If a girl messaged me and said that I would certainly take it as intended, as a compliment. Can't please everyone.

@Maze76
My thoughts too. I've been a bit bewildered by the thread so far. I have never been involved in OLD but I know lots of really lovely people who might not know what else to say but 'hello'. It's quite a common greeting irl.

Online dating is a tragic reflection of modern society. People now just go out to restaurants in their own little circle of friends and work from home. Gone are the days of meeting people normally. Now it's just a sea of people judging perspective partners on their first message, a few filtered photos, and perhaps being taken in by few overblown words about themselves on their profile, and going for a date knowing more than likely that person is chatting to multiple other people. It's no way to go about striking up a relationship.

People now just go out to restaurants in their own little circle of friends

Who did people go to restaurants with before? I agree with lots of what you said, but not sure I understand the restaurant comment. @RocketIceLollie

I think we might be seeing a divide between those of us who have OLD fatigue and have been let down by so many low effort time wasters and those who haven’t.

Once you lose enough time on these specimens you start to look for ways to weed them out faster and this was one I was wondering about, hence the thread.

As others have said, whenever I give anyone the benefit of the doubt on OLD it never works out in my favor.

Since a couple people asked, my opening messages vary, from something straightforward like the example provided before, or I might try to be flirty or to make a joke but always more than hello 😁

It’s been nice to hear everyone’s success stories regardless and to hear the diversity of opinions and experiences from both genders so thanks again for the replies everyone ☺️

@user628468523532453 I think maybe they meant as opposed to going to the pub or bars or the church tea dance or something which might have been more traditional ways to meet people in the olden days?

I dunno if it's the same on the other side but it's frustratingly hard even knowing who has liked you let alone getting to the stage of a conversation. Using multiple as I'm not in a city and everyone seems spread across many as well. I'm paying for a couple for a month not doing them all. I have likes but no idea who they are and have to swipe endlessly to try figure out who based on a blurry image and hope they pop up.

Actually what’s even worse is when you put effort into a first message and ask a question or two and they just reply with hi.

One of my last matches on bumble before I deleted, I read his profile sent him a message asking about his interests and he replied with 👋🌹 - I mean where is the chat supposed to go from there?

It is from me! The current guy I'm dating picked out 3 things he liked in my profile to chat up. Nothing too OTT, just thoughtful.

It's a good job I don't do OLD.
My default reaction would have been to reply:
Is it me you're looking for?

If they then replied with the next lyric or made a joke about Lionel Richie's head, I'd know they were the one for me.

How is it low effort for them not to message first, but not low effort for you to not message first?

These threads are what keep me with my DP. He drives me mad but I could not go through this drama.