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Original poster

OLD - Hello as a first message - instant unmatch?

105 replies

Vegandiva · 28/11/2023 19:30

That’s it really, I’m wondering if anyone has ever had a decent relationship with someone whose first message on OLD after matching is a zero effort Hello, Hi, How are you, Hey, etc. 🙂

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 28/11/2023 21:46

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/11/2023 21:42

Pretty sure my DH started with Hello when we matched, which then lead to great conversation.

No wonder online dating is such hard work with all these made up rules.

They’re not exactly ‘rules’, just in my experience someone not making an effort in the first message tends to translate into not making an effort generally. Not always but more often than not.

to be honest trying to make conversation with people who just say ‘hello’ as an opener sounds like more hard work.

UnbreakMyFart · 28/11/2023 21:48

Is the custard cream line good or bad? Sounds perky and friendly unless it’s code for something.

SD1978 · 28/11/2023 21:52

Genuinely interested in what you think is an appropriate first message- as anything other than hi, how's your day going to me seems creepy........ they may have a fair amount of information about you from your profile but to use that as if we have some kind of personal connection would seriously give me a massive ick!!!! I dont know you, let's not pretend we do know each other.......so maybe this is why I find OLD shite as maybe they all feel like you when I say Hi, how's your day going.......Grin

Whalewatchers · 28/11/2023 21:53

UnbreakMyFart · 28/11/2023 21:48

Is the custard cream line good or bad? Sounds perky and friendly unless it’s code for something.

Maybe she's more of a bourbon sort of girl

SD1978 · 28/11/2023 21:54

@UnbreakMyFart - by the general 'rules' I'd have thought the custard cream comment was a winner- but maybe choosing the wrong biscuit is as bad as a 'Hi'......

bakewellbride · 28/11/2023 21:59

I'd give it a bit more of a chance, nothing to lose.

My OLD was (a bit) late to our first date but turned out to be amazing in every other way and now we are married with kids! Don't write someone off over a little thing.

Rainydays777 · 28/11/2023 22:01

SD1978 · 28/11/2023 21:52

Genuinely interested in what you think is an appropriate first message- as anything other than hi, how's your day going to me seems creepy........ they may have a fair amount of information about you from your profile but to use that as if we have some kind of personal connection would seriously give me a massive ick!!!! I dont know you, let's not pretend we do know each other.......so maybe this is why I find OLD shite as maybe they all feel like you when I say Hi, how's your day going.......Grin

Well it’s not hard, even something like, hey, how’s your week going? And then say something about themselves that invites further conversation and/or demonstrates some wit or personality…

Nothing wrong with commenting on something on your profile either given you’ve put it there, precisely, to invite conversation…

delix · 28/11/2023 22:03

The custard cream comment reinforced my niggling feeling that, based on the profile, it wasn't borne of dry humour. I got the sense he was the kind of chap that enjoyed taking his mum for afternoon tea. It's lovely to take your mum for afternoon tea, but something else to actually enjoy it

Whalewatchers · 28/11/2023 22:06

I've never done OLD.. only met past girlfriends/wife IRL!

So, if I was sending a first message, off the top of my head, I might say something like... Hey, I was really pleased to see that we matched. The fact you are into XYZ really caught my eye, that and your beautiful smile. Looking forward to chatting sometime soon.

God, it's hard to fall on the right side of charm/cheese 🤣 and no doubt my message is also completely unoriginal!

I think a guy should want to show that he's not just looked at your pics and thought phwoar, but they shouldn't drone on either! A 'hello' would scream BORING to me, BUT I think you could consider a X number of messages rule (5 maybe), where you give them a chance to see if they have a personality/GSOH/if you match up well, before moving on. It's not like he's typed 'I have a big dick' as his first gambit.

Pippipumpkin · 28/11/2023 22:08

I am not a massive fan of just hello. It does smack of laziness...as in 'I will put in minimal effort and see who responds'
If I match and send the first message I try and write a bit more...nothing creepy (hopefully) just show an interest in their interests.
Guys that have looked at my profile tend to pick up on my hobbies and will often ask about the sport I play. This usually follows the same format 'are you any good?'....'i haven't played for years, but would love to play a match one day', predicable but at least they have bothered to look and try and I would carry on the conversation as it shows a bit of effort.

I matched with someone the other day who blatantly was just swiping on everyone, as we when we matched he actually sent a message to say he had looked at my profile and I wasn't what he was looking for 🤨

Whalewatchers · 28/11/2023 22:09

delix · 28/11/2023 22:03

The custard cream comment reinforced my niggling feeling that, based on the profile, it wasn't borne of dry humour. I got the sense he was the kind of chap that enjoyed taking his mum for afternoon tea. It's lovely to take your mum for afternoon tea, but something else to actually enjoy it

My mum has a cracking personality, she's so funny, I would definitely enjoy going for an afternoon tea with her, we'd have a great time.

delix · 28/11/2023 22:11

My mum's funeral was yesterday, I loved spending time with her, she was irreverent. But I can't stand afternoon tea. Neither could she to be fair

Vretz · 28/11/2023 22:29

Male perspective, I'd agree "hello" is lazy. It's not difficult to find something on her profile to comment on (something in the background, location of a photo, in her bio, interest) so "hey, I really like X in your profile. What was it that got you interested in that?" is a hook.

If she's interesting, she'll give you some detail, some context, a story, and there's a conversation. If she's dull, it's an easy unmatch.

I've matched with women with great profiles, to be met with a response with "oh. Thank you." and then it's like pulling teeth. There are MANY women who have become entitled and feel it's a man's job to impress on OLD. The OP is alluding to the "tests" many women do, and it's not a problem to expect a bit of effort. It's a problem if that becomes one sided though, because it means the relationship will be crap and my interest goes.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/11/2023 22:37

I wouldn't respond to 'hello' 'how are you' or anything at all with a question mark. Because I just find that so so boring. If you don't, and you respond in kind, then you go for it, they're all yours.

The only ones I'd respond to had actually looked at my profile, where I deliberately set up some easy things to talk about, and made some quip about it. The only chats I enjoyed were the ones which started about random irrelevant stuff like elephants or biscuits- absolutely hated stuff like 'So, what did you get up to on the weekend.' Yawn.

delix · 28/11/2023 22:38

Vretz · 28/11/2023 22:29

Male perspective, I'd agree "hello" is lazy. It's not difficult to find something on her profile to comment on (something in the background, location of a photo, in her bio, interest) so "hey, I really like X in your profile. What was it that got you interested in that?" is a hook.

If she's interesting, she'll give you some detail, some context, a story, and there's a conversation. If she's dull, it's an easy unmatch.

I've matched with women with great profiles, to be met with a response with "oh. Thank you." and then it's like pulling teeth. There are MANY women who have become entitled and feel it's a man's job to impress on OLD. The OP is alluding to the "tests" many women do, and it's not a problem to expect a bit of effort. It's a problem if that becomes one sided though, because it means the relationship will be crap and my interest goes.

I agree totally. In my profile I included amongst other things info about what makes me laugh, what I like to drink, my pet. My partner picked up on this and his reply was witty and inquisitive.

If I had locked eyes with a man in a bar and he approached me, hello would be fine as you've also got intonation, facial expressions and body language to work with. Not so online so you need more

arethereanyleftatall · 28/11/2023 22:39

@Vretz - I can assure you, talking to 90 % of the men on OLD is also like pulling teeth.,

RantyAnty · 28/11/2023 22:40

They are spraying hello to 100s of women hoping to get a bite.

Very low effort.

delix · 28/11/2023 22:41

arethereanyleftatall · 28/11/2023 22:39

@Vretz - I can assure you, talking to 90 % of the men on OLD is also like pulling teeth.,

I'm not sure @Vretz would doubt your statistic. Humans are humans after all, male or female.

SamW98 · 28/11/2023 22:44

@Vretz

I agree with you. I have a lot on my profile about my likes and interests. The best messages are when someone shows they’ve actually read the profile not just looked at the photos.

I always find something on their profile to start the chat and I appreciate the same back. And yes I hate closed responses that leave you nowhere to go.
It’s not a job interview or a Q&A session but a few questions and flowing chat back and forth goes a long way for me

Hi, hello, you look nice etc - nope

LightSpeeds · 28/11/2023 22:47

I wouldn't bin someone off just for saying hello. I'd want to see how the conversation developed...

Original poster
Vegandiva · 28/11/2023 22:51

RantyAnty · 28/11/2023 22:40

They are spraying hello to 100s of women hoping to get a bite.

Very low effort.

are they though? because this is on tinder so they don’t even get a chance to do that unless they match first, and men are always saying they barely get any matches. that’s why i feel like if that is the case, and they do a low effort opening gambit, it’s not a good sign of things to come…

OP posts:
Original poster
Vegandiva · 28/11/2023 22:57

Thanks to everyone for all your thoughtful replies, it’s been interesting to see how many people are not in the anti-hello camp 😁

I decided to give the last man who sent me a hello a chance anyway and he hasn’t been too bad to talk to so far, so we’ll see.

I certainly can’t say anything I have done so far has worked out, so I am not holding myself up to be an OLD expert, happy to consider alternate approaches 😅

OP posts:
Maze76 · 28/11/2023 23:52

I think it’s a shame to automatically dismiss someone simply because they say hello! Some folks don’t have the confidence to compose witty introductions, that doesn’t mean they lack effort, I have responded to ‘ hellos’ and have great exchanges and dates. I can’t see the issue

Keepinmovin · 29/11/2023 06:38

Hello is a sort of test to see if you are still using the platform perhaps? Lots of people don't reply at all especially women to men as they get so many messages. So perhaps this person is fed-up of composing thoughtful intros to people who don't reply. Maybe just reply hi back and then see if he makes an effort

Scalottia · 29/11/2023 06:50

delix · 28/11/2023 22:03

The custard cream comment reinforced my niggling feeling that, based on the profile, it wasn't borne of dry humour. I got the sense he was the kind of chap that enjoyed taking his mum for afternoon tea. It's lovely to take your mum for afternoon tea, but something else to actually enjoy it

Sorry if I have misunderstood, but enjoying taking your mum for afternoon tea is wrong?