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Original poster

I wish she would just let the friendship die!

91 replies

PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:00

I have an awkward situation with an old friend who once a year tries to half heartedly reignite our friendship. We were very close as teenagers although the friendship was always one sided. She always had a lot of drama going on and I was always her reliable support. I enjoyed spending time with her though as she was fun.

As we got older things naturally became less intense. We are both married with children and don’t live near each other so see each other less. When we did see each other I would always organise and host. She would always message me saying she wanted to see me but never invited me to hers. She always wants to come to mine. Around 8 years ago I stopped offering to host. I just don’t like doing it anymore and if I want to see people we usually meet up for coffee or a drink. Obviously this is easier with local friends but harder when people live a distance.

Last time we met up was 3/4 years ago we met up halfway which worked ok. Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!! It happens around this time each year like clockwork! I know she wants me to invite her round. Surely if she really wanted to see me she would invite me round hers? I find it so rude that she reaches out then blanks my reply.

I like her but am not really that bothered about seeing her. I like seeing her photos on Facebook and seeing her news. I am happy just to leave the friendship in the past and let it politely fizzle out! I don’t understand why she can’t just do the same and keeps the charade of wanting to see me going. I don’t want to ghost or block her as that seems rude but I think it’s fine just to let it die!

OP posts:
SpottyCrumpet · 28/11/2023 14:03

The next time she messages, I would response with ‘hi friend, lovely idea. Unfortunately the last few times you suggested this, you ignored my reply with locations and dates? So it’s lovely for you to think of me, but I think it’s best we just stick with being Facebook friends! All the best’

Original poster
PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:10

@SpottyCrumpet i wish I had the guts to do that. I think she wants something like that so I can be blamed ans the executor of the friendship!!!!! It’s just so weird. I think just leaving it alone is the polite thing to do. I don’t know why she goes through the pretence. She has loads of friends so it’s not out of loneliness.

OP posts:
Seasonsfleetings · 28/11/2023 14:12

Just don’t reply.

Falalalalaa · 28/11/2023 14:13

“Sounds great! Let me know dates your free and we can arrange where to meet”

Save in “notes” on your phone, copy and paste every year.

lactonic · 28/11/2023 14:14

I would just ignore her

Original poster
PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:15

@Seasonsfleetings yes you’re right I shouldn’t reply. The thing is I wouldn’t mind seeing her, I don’t hate her or anything but I do hate hosting!!!! I would be happy to meet up or go round hers. What I don’t want to do is be forced to invite her round. However it’s the suggestion of meeting up halfway that then results in her not replying to me 😆

I fall for it everytime! Next time I do need to ignore.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 28/11/2023 14:16

Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!!

So, don’t suggest dates. Reply saying, ‘sounds good-let me know dates you are free?’

Don’t suggest a place either…leave that to her.

Why do you think she always wants to come to your house?

ManchesterGirl2 · 28/11/2023 14:17

I'd try being really non committal.

"That sounds nice"

Then see if she follows up with a plan.

Original poster
PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:17

Falalalalaa · 28/11/2023 14:13

“Sounds great! Let me know dates your free and we can arrange where to meet”

Save in “notes” on your phone, copy and paste every year.

This is my exact reply each year!!!!! Why does she keep doing it???!!! I think the same text exchange is our yearly tradition!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 28/11/2023 14:18

Response:

It would be great to see you, let me know suitable dates and locations and we ll try to make it happen.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 28/11/2023 14:18

Maybe it's because there is not enough drama or intensity involved when she has to set times, dates, and travel plans in advance. Sorry OP.

SisterAgatha · 28/11/2023 14:18

I started doing this with a friend.

she’d message and ask for dates, I’d reply to my old message with dates to her, with a thumbs up and “oh dear, you didn’t reply last time”

and do that everytime.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 28/11/2023 14:19

You don't sound particularly nice OP from what you've written here. It is weird that she doesn't reply but perhaps she can’t afford to go out somewhere? I think it's really shitty that you're essentially trying to ghost an old friend of many, many years. Not the actions of a mature adult but that's just my personal opinion

PossumintheHouse · 28/11/2023 14:20

I’d probably just keep doing exactly what you are doing. ‘Sounds nice, do you want to meet here on X date?’ There’s only so many times she can go round in this circle before it fizzles out on its own accord.

LubaLuca · 28/11/2023 14:21

Leave the date etc to her, then you haven't invested anything in it. If what she comes up with suits you then go and have a nice time with her.

Saz12 · 28/11/2023 14:22

If you want to see her, try inviting yourself to hers. EG "That would be great. Ive not seen your (hometown /house/children) for ages, I'd love to come to yours and catch up. When works for you?"
If you REALLY want to see her, then just invite her round.

SamW98 · 28/11/2023 14:23

Say ‘I’d love to meet but you never seem to come back when I suggest dates so you tell me when you’re free and we’ll sort something’

Original poster
PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:25

Shinyandnew1 · 28/11/2023 14:16

Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!!

So, don’t suggest dates. Reply saying, ‘sounds good-let me know dates you are free?’

Don’t suggest a place either…leave that to her.

Why do you think she always wants to come to your house?

Edited

I try not suggesting dates and always say “sounds great, let me know when you’re free”. She then puts it back on me and it seems strange to refuse to give dates (I know how silly this all sounds)!

The hosting thing is hard to explain. I used to love doing it and was definitely the mother of our friendship group. People would always be round enjoying lovely home cooked meals. Due to quite a major change in my life this significantly changed. Friends from my past do find this hard to accept. I think she wants it to be like old times maybe? I have changed a lot as a person.

I also think she just doesn’t actually want to see me she just messages out of politeness and some weird sense of nostalgia? Surely if she wanted to see me she would engage with my suggested dates and locations? Or she would invite me round? I think she needs closure on the friendship but won’t let it die!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Grendell · 28/11/2023 14:27

I have one of these, too!! She has told me about other people she texts every now and then (4-8 weeks) just to make sure they are "still there" in case she actually wants to get together in the future. She is doing the same to me.

In my friend's case she is a prescription pill addict, a hoarder, spending addict, general hot mess who aspires to "get back out there and engage in the world" but just can't. I debate just not replying, but for now I am sending her back a throwaway text "Sure!" "Anytime, just say when" - although I know I won't hear from her for another 6 weeks when she sends me her regular throwaway text about what her co-worker is wearing and a "I should call you" and me replying "Sure!" We have been doing this for 6 years now. It is just sad and kind of stupid.

ScarboroughHair · 28/11/2023 14:30

This is a social dance where she is saying "I know we don't have much in common and I don't really need or want to see you, but you've been important to me in my life and I can't burn my bridges with you either". It's the modern equivalent of receiving a Christmas card every year without fail from someone you hadn't seen in 25 years.

Don't get worked up about it, just do what @Falalalalaa says and carry on with your life.

Vuurhoutjies · 28/11/2023 14:33

PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:17

This is my exact reply each year!!!!! Why does she keep doing it???!!! I think the same text exchange is our yearly tradition!

Show quote history

A lot of people send out the generic, "we must get together message" as a way to feel like they've reached out, without actually having to go to the effort of meeting up.

Let's face it, we've all done it on some level a few times - not normally consciously. That mum on the school run who you always say, "ih, we must get coffee". It's not that you DON'T want to get coffee, but you don't really have the headspace to make it happen. So acknowledging that you'd like to do it feels like a mid level solution.

Just keep replying with the generic, "happy to meet up on a Wednesday half way - what dates are good for you" and put it out of your mind unless she comes back.

Original poster
PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:33

GladioliandSweetPeas · 28/11/2023 14:19

You don't sound particularly nice OP from what you've written here. It is weird that she doesn't reply but perhaps she can’t afford to go out somewhere? I think it's really shitty that you're essentially trying to ghost an old friend of many, many years. Not the actions of a mature adult but that's just my personal opinion

This made me laugh, I don’t think I am particularly nice when it comes to her!? I am not that bothered about seeing her and find her texting then ghosting habit really weird! You are right she doesn’t like spending money (although she does have it) that’s not my responsibility. I don’t like hosting so don’t want to invite her round to make life easier and cheaper for her!!!!!

I have never been nasty to her, I just want to politely let it all fizzle out!!!!!!

OP posts:
Shybutnotretiring · 28/11/2023 14:35

I had a 'friend' like this too. I found it hard to explain to people how I found it rubbish that she would keep getting in touch but each time it was like getting a postcard, she never actually replied to my reply. I stopped replying but then she moaned about that so in the end I told her to get lost. I think people like this just like to feel like they are nice people (even if they aren't particularly).

erinaceus · 28/11/2023 14:37

You want her to politely let it all fizzle out but that’s your desire and she might navigate friendships differently to you.

Given you probably cannot have this want met without a conversation that is likely to be off-the-wall bizarre, what do you want to happen? You’re actually not communicating to her at all that that is what you want.

Vuurhoutjies · 28/11/2023 14:37

PoliteFizzleOut · 28/11/2023 14:25

I try not suggesting dates and always say “sounds great, let me know when you’re free”. She then puts it back on me and it seems strange to refuse to give dates (I know how silly this all sounds)!

The hosting thing is hard to explain. I used to love doing it and was definitely the mother of our friendship group. People would always be round enjoying lovely home cooked meals. Due to quite a major change in my life this significantly changed. Friends from my past do find this hard to accept. I think she wants it to be like old times maybe? I have changed a lot as a person.

I also think she just doesn’t actually want to see me she just messages out of politeness and some weird sense of nostalgia? Surely if she wanted to see me she would engage with my suggested dates and locations? Or she would invite me round? I think she needs closure on the friendship but won’t let it die!!!!!!!!

Show quote history

I used to host a lot. But I got tired of being the one who did the hosting, and somehow it never got reciprocated. People were always spontaneously enjoying a meal or drinks at my house, but somehow I never got invited in to theirs. Now there are only a small number of people I host and they are people who host us back. Also SIL who has never hosted us and it still irritates me so I do it seldom.