I wish she would just let the friendship die!

[PoliteFizzleOut]

I have an awkward situation with an old friend who once a year tries to half heartedly reignite our friendship. We were very close as teenagers although the friendship was always one sided. She always had a lot of drama going on and I was always her reliable support. I enjoyed spending time with her though as she was fun.

As we got older things naturally became less intense. We are both married with children and don’t live near each other so see each other less. When we did see each other I would always organise and host. She would always message me saying she wanted to see me but never invited me to hers. She always wants to come to mine. Around 8 years ago I stopped offering to host. I just don’t like doing it anymore and if I want to see people we usually meet up for coffee or a drink. Obviously this is easier with local friends but harder when people live a distance.

Last time we met up was 3/4 years ago we met up halfway which worked ok. Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!! It happens around this time each year like clockwork! I know she wants me to invite her round. Surely if she really wanted to see me she would invite me round hers? I find it so rude that she reaches out then blanks my reply.

I like her but am not really that bothered about seeing her. I like seeing her photos on Facebook and seeing her news. I am happy just to leave the friendship in the past and let it politely fizzle out! I don’t understand why she can’t just do the same and keeps the charade of wanting to see me going. I don’t want to ghost or block her as that seems rude but I think it’s fine just to let it die!

I have a friend a bit like this. You need to be more direct and truthful. Some people like rocking up, sitting on their arse in your kitchen watching on while you run round waiting on them. That’s what she wants to do.

Say:

Hey Deb, be great to see you. It’s been ages. I can’t host but we can either meet half way, or I’ll come to you. I can do 17th, 19th or 21st. Let me know if they suit you.

And if she doesn’t reply then great and if she does you’ve made it plain you can’t host.

Yes I think this is exactly what would happen. I don’t want to do the goodbye text as it will give her a chance to be dramatic. I don’t have any drama in my life and that’s the way I like it.

She is clearly angling for you to host - have you actually explained to her why you don't want to/can't host anymore?

Oh FFS 😂

Can't you just send the let me know when you're free message then put it out of your mind for another year? Takes 2 mins to do and saves the potential drama of ignoring her/falling out etc. Friendships don't have to die. They can just be allowed to hibernate. It's a long life and sometimes people come in, go out, then back again.

Then don’t answer.
Just like she does when you answer back to her.

Not everything has to be said. Or to be given so much space as to invite drama.

I have dozens of old friends who I contact or who contact me every now and again, we always say “it would be lovely to meet up” when we chat in messages but mostly we never actually arrange to as we live too far away, our lives have moved on and we’re busy etc. The other friends just replies “yes we must!” It’s just a statement, not actually wanting to make plans there and then. Do you think that’s what she’s doing and you’re taking her literally?

Do you think she texts when she has had a few drinks?

I seem to remember that I used to do something a bit like this (I don't drink any more - not for this reason - I saw it as one of the more harmless side effects of drinking). Especially around Christmas, if I was a bit tipsy/merry I would feel all warm and nostalgic towards old friends I didn't see any more and try and arrange stuff - but then in the cold light of day - it wasn't that I didn't WANT to see them on some level - I would just be forced to confront the fact it wasn't really practical or there wasn't time to do so.

Just a thought. Anyway, OP, I would just do as you are doing and not stress. Maybe she likes you a bit more than you like her - if so that's flattering surely?

PLEASE don't call her out on it - I do think that would be humiliating for her, and she doesn't really deserve it from what you have said. I would be appalled if an old friend told me that they never wished to see me again in person (even tho I have no doubt it is true of many - but it is not something that needs brutally spelling out, unless someone is stalking or harassing you for meetings or otherwise making your life hard).

Yes I know what you mean but we don’t chat. It’s just months/ years of silence then message!

@Ilovelurchers i won’t ever call it out, i am too much of a chicken and don’t want to invite drama. Also I don’t want to be mean to her, I still like her I just think the friendship has come to a natural end.

If it was the 80s it would be a nice polite send a Xmas card type of friendship! Social media is to blame for prolonging fake friendships!!!!!

Next time just reply "Lovely!" or "Great!" and nothing else!

Agree keep it brief great! I think its ran its course op.. I wouldnt be rude as other posts have said

It could be that she’s waiting for you to invite her to stay, but just don’t. Keep doing as you’re doing except don’t suggest dates, throw the ball back at her to suggest dates and location. It’s not too taxing. A simple message every year. It might be that she’s just trying to open up a conversation. If you can be bothered just ask her how she’s doing and see what she says.

Then just block her. It’s not like she’ll get a bounce back if she tries to message you; you’ll just never see it. She’ll just think you haven’t replied and will eventually get bored.

There is no need for anyone to do this social dance where everyone seems to do everything but say what they mean and don't do or say what they think.

It means a waste of time for everyone and not everyone understands a slow fade.

Just either don't answer her or tell her politely you don't want to stay in contact anymore. That you've outgrown each other.

Why cause yourself so much stress?

It's easier to do the above then keep hand wringing over the same thing year after year. Just take control and tell her. I would rather be told.

Maybe be honest. Hi friend. Lovely to hear from you. Would be great to catch up. I no longer host at home and wouldn't expect you to as I don't anymore.. Probably easiest if we meet half way. I suggest x coffee shop or a walk in x park or maybe we could both bring a packed lunch for ourselves and find a nice spot to park and chat/park/service station carpark.Let me know what dates would work for you and then we can see if we can work out date/time/place.