I wish she would just let the friendship die!

[PoliteFizzleOut]

I have an awkward situation with an old friend who once a year tries to half heartedly reignite our friendship. We were very close as teenagers although the friendship was always one sided. She always had a lot of drama going on and I was always her reliable support. I enjoyed spending time with her though as she was fun.

As we got older things naturally became less intense. We are both married with children and don’t live near each other so see each other less. When we did see each other I would always organise and host. She would always message me saying she wanted to see me but never invited me to hers. She always wants to come to mine. Around 8 years ago I stopped offering to host. I just don’t like doing it anymore and if I want to see people we usually meet up for coffee or a drink. Obviously this is easier with local friends but harder when people live a distance.

Last time we met up was 3/4 years ago we met up halfway which worked ok. Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!! It happens around this time each year like clockwork! I know she wants me to invite her round. Surely if she really wanted to see me she would invite me round hers? I find it so rude that she reaches out then blanks my reply.

I like her but am not really that bothered about seeing her. I like seeing her photos on Facebook and seeing her news. I am happy just to leave the friendship in the past and let it politely fizzle out! I don’t understand why she can’t just do the same and keeps the charade of wanting to see me going. I don’t want to ghost or block her as that seems rude but I think it’s fine just to let it die!

Yes this totally resonates with me. I think it’s about her wanting to feel like she’s a nice person with enduring friendships. I am quite content with the nice memories of our friendship but happy to move on. Nothing dramatic happened, people just drift, that’s life. If she really cared she would reply but she doesn’t really care and that’s ok (I just wish she would accept this and leave me alone)!

I think she needs closure on the friendship but won’t let it die

You're making it dramatic. There's no drama here. You're not bothered about seeing her, and you're not going to. You don't think she actually wants to. You're both getting what you want.

What's wrong with honesty? 'Hi Gina, thanks for your message. We've tried to arrange to meet up a few times but you don't confirm any arrangements and it's getting a bit frustrating.' Then leave it with her.

You use a lot of exclamation marks and are having a big struggle, for someone who is accusing someone else of drama. Why does she need be the one to 'let the friendship die'? Why can't you, by simply being too busy to meet, forever?

I try and communicate it the traditional passive aggressive way by never initiating anything!!!!!

I am quite content with the nice memories of our friendship but happy to move on

Move on, then.

I don't really see a problem here. You just say "Sounds good, let me know when and where" and it's back with her to drop again.

I understand the irritation though - I have a friend who is too busy to maintain any friendships, but she is also afraid of having no friends so she insists on scheduling stuff way in advance (which I hate, but I do it because I know she will cancel), then as the date approaches she apologises profusely and rescheduled it another 3 months away. The only part that bothers me is that she apologises in a pitying way, as if this is leaving some kind of hole in my empty life, when in fact I am fine with it, and would be fine with letting the friendship drop altogether. I wish her well but what is the point of a friend you never see? But like your friend, I think she is just reassuring herself that I am still "available" as a friend.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

But why do you agree to scheduling something? Why not say 'Oh, May isn't good for me, actually I'm busy until July, let's get back to each other then', and just keep delaying, yourself?

Because if she says "what are you doing on Sunday 17 January? Let's go for lunch, I know an AMAZING place", I'm not going to look in my calendar and lie to her.

Is there a reason she can't host or would feel uncomfortable hosting? I can only think of the generic ones such as not having room, living in a small flat, living with family or such but there could be others?

Can you accept that what you see as “the traditional passive aggressive way” is actually not all that traditional? If you carry on doing what you are doing whilst silently seething at her apparent misreading of you the setup is unlikely to change.

If you would like the situation to change I think you need to communicate your needs directly. For example ask her to call and talk it over, or ask her to stop contacting you if that is what you prefer. But if you prefer the status quo, do nothing. I don’t think the fault is all hers.

But then you send a follow up text suggesting loads of dates and a venue, which she then repeatedly ignores?!

Just reply-‘Ok, let me know some dates/places you can do?’.

What do you think OP should do?

I recognise it’s all so silly! It’s interesting to see that I am not the only person who experiences this. I just would never initiate contact with someone unless I actually wanted to see them so just find her reaching out then blanking so annoying!

To all you who are saying not to suggest dates you are completely correct. I seem to always fall in the trap!

The way it goes is she reaches out, I say sure let me know some dates. She then says oh you are always so busy so you let me know when you are free. I then say x,y,z and then she just doesn’t reply!!!!!!!

Gosh, I mean it all sounds a bit of a drama (on your part).

If you like her and would like to see her, then see her.

If she lives a long way from you and is prepared to schlepp over, then good for her for making the effort- crack on and let her.

Suggest a cafe in your hometown if you can't bear to give her a cuppa.

Her visits sound few and far between.
You are waaaay overthinking this tbh.

Yes you are right it is all silly drama but if you can’t over analyse relationship nonsense on mumsnet where can you do it!!!!!!

As i have previously said I do suggest locations, she then doesn’t reply!

If I were you I would royally ignore her, she should get a taste of her own medicine. Sounds like a twat tbh.

It sounds like you have changed a lot. Does she know the back story about why you have changed?

@shininglight16 you are so right, I need to just ignore any future messages.

@Dontgivemeplants yes she does and she doesn’t approve!!!!!!

Does she message you in the evening when she’s possibly had a drink and is feeling nostalgic?

"Once a year tries to half heartedly reignite our friendship. We were very close as teenagers although the friendship was always one sided. She always had a lot of drama going on and I was always her reliable support."

Think you have your answer there OP.

She's competitive and controlling, and sees you not as someone to enjoy spending time with, the way you do her, but as someone she can "look down on" and play power games at.

I noticed when younger a lot of people "use" drama for attention from others so they can play the victim and get people like you rallying around them ("I've broken up with Mike, my boyfriend of two weeks I met twice in real life! I insist you need to cancel your weekend plans to comfort me!").

Now she can't do that any more. So she needs a new strategy.

People who have "drama" often frighten others into doing what they say as they are "scared of what the over-dramatic person might do". They're not overemotional, they're actually very cold and controlling - the "drama" tends to get them what they want from others.

In the social hierarchy in her head, you're "beneath" her and your interactions should reinforce your time is worth less than hers and you are there to support her.

And maybe if you've progressed in life she is pissed off by this and wants you to stay the underdog - the reliable qualities you had as a teenager probably are giving you a calmer adult life than her.

You've moved away with physical distance now, so she can't play power games like when you were young.

Same with hosting - I imagine she was used to "I want X, she does X", but as you were able to assert yourself and have your own family to back you she can't do that any more".

She asks you to suggest dates (then turns them down) because she likes thinking "PoliteFizzleOut is so desperate to spend time with me she will do anything".

I actually would just completely "grey rock" her and phase her out and ignore what she actually says or the detail, as it's all manipulative nonsense anyway.

Reply with one liners spaced out over a few days, one week, one month....don't reply to the content of her messages but just emoticons or something unrelated....

(It is definitely a control thing with the hosting).

Anyone who has done online dating, will know some creepy pushy guys want to "be invited to yours" and not go out

(not talking Man Paying for a date at a Michelin starred restaurant, but just get your own coffee or a drink somewhere mutually convenient).

But they don't want to directly say this, but would rather manipulate and override boundaries.

So they obfuscate and bullshit and claim they want to meet, then ignore any suggestions of "going out", in the hope that you give in and do what they say. People like this are no good and should fuck off.

But you DO respond when she initiates. Why? This thread is quite frustrating, TBH. You say “I just want her to let things die!!!!”, but you won’t let it die yourself. Sure, if you didn’t suggest dates and times, she might still pop up months later like you haven’t ignored her, but you haven’t even tried that (very simple) tactic.

You say you think she wants to feel she’s a nice person by continuing the friendship. But be honest - isn’t that what you want too? Otherwise you’d let things die from your side, even if you don’t let it go as far as actively killing the friendship.

I'd ignore it. IMO People do what they want to do so if she actually wanted to see you she would have done by now.

They sound like duty texts rather than an actual desire to see you.

@bluejimjams thank you, I must confess if I get a wiff of manipulation from people I do not give in! I am too old for that nonsense and was a total pushover when I was younger.

I would reply and say that would be nice. Say things are very much up in the air at the moment but maybe we can set a time and venue in the New Year. See if she gets back to you.

Yes I confess there is some truth to that. I don’t want to be a bitch and ignore her. I wouldn’t mind seeing her but I never initiate it so am obviously not that bothered! It’s a silly dance! Yes you are right I shouldn’t suggest dates.