I wish she would just let the friendship die!

[PoliteFizzleOut]

I have an awkward situation with an old friend who once a year tries to half heartedly reignite our friendship. We were very close as teenagers although the friendship was always one sided. She always had a lot of drama going on and I was always her reliable support. I enjoyed spending time with her though as she was fun.

As we got older things naturally became less intense. We are both married with children and don’t live near each other so see each other less. When we did see each other I would always organise and host. She would always message me saying she wanted to see me but never invited me to hers. She always wants to come to mine. Around 8 years ago I stopped offering to host. I just don’t like doing it anymore and if I want to see people we usually meet up for coffee or a drink. Obviously this is easier with local friends but harder when people live a distance.

Last time we met up was 3/4 years ago we met up halfway which worked ok. Since then she will send me a message around once a year telling me how much she misses me and wants to see me. I will then suggest dates and locations but then she never replies!!!!! It happens around this time each year like clockwork! I know she wants me to invite her round. Surely if she really wanted to see me she would invite me round hers? I find it so rude that she reaches out then blanks my reply.

I like her but am not really that bothered about seeing her. I like seeing her photos on Facebook and seeing her news. I am happy just to leave the friendship in the past and let it politely fizzle out! I don’t understand why she can’t just do the same and keeps the charade of wanting to see me going. I don’t want to ghost or block her as that seems rude but I think it’s fine just to let it die!

You reminded me of my SIL lol.

I avoid as much as possible (not difficult, in fairness, as she has no interest in me or my children - she does keep in touch with DH, her brother). Last time, he drove to hers, a near 4 hour round trip, to be greeted with, "you have an hour, I'm going to the hairdresser"!!! They'd even brought their own food.

I've just taken no interest in her posts on FB any more which is the only contact we have. I can't be bothered with her attention seeking behaviour.

Tbh I hate pass agg situations like this. I'd rather someone said they're too busy to meet me anytime soon. It's Christmas so you have an excuse to politely say that. IMO if you keep indulging by providing her dates etc you're both as bad as each other.

Honestly just reply with something like, "Hello!! Hope you're all doing well. It would be lovely to see you before long, yes."

I guarantee she won't put in any of the legwork to take you up on that, and you haven't had to do anything other than type a short text.

It's just a bit of a facade, the kind of message she sends you: it's something people do when they are feeling a bit guilty about not being better at staying in touch, but don't actually want to see someone all that much, certainly not enough to go out of their way. They send the message and then they feel better about it because it's relieved their guilt.

The thing is I wouldn’t mind seeing her, I don’t hate her or anything but I do hate hosting!!!! I would be happy to meet up or go round hers. What I don’t want to do is be forced to invite her round.

then do as pp says

great idea, let me know where and when and ill come along....

Yes it is all silly. I am generally happy to see her though, I haven’t made an excuse! I am just baffled at the pretence that she wants to see me! Surely if she did want to see me she would follow up. I have never been over bothered about seeing her which is why I never initiate!

Perhaps you could say something like

'Would love to meet up in the middle, when are you free.? Ps I'm too lacking in energy to host these days'

Then at least she knows that.

Then I’d suggested you stop following her on social media, do not respond to posts, liking them etc.

I wanted to drift from a friend so I stopped following them on fb, but was still a friend, but I put them as restricted so they no longer saw my posts. I could still go look at their posts but they no longer see what came up on my newsfeed.

it took five years but she deleted me finally. I like you, hadn’t been the one wanting to actually deliver the Final Cut off of the friendship.

She only wants to meet you at your place. That's it. She's hoping you will crumble when she doesn't reply about halfway meeting or dates.

Don't give in!

Oh gosh I do understand this. I’ve got friends who reach out but then disappear if the nice feeling of meeting up one day actually looks like it might become real. It annoys me too as it’s a fake social thing. I’m a bit more straight forward.

I’d be non committal and breezy back. Don’t try and pin her down or yourself

Why don’t you just say straight out that you’ve stopped hosting people. You used to like it but you don’t any more (if you’re close enough, explain why). So you’d like to meet up, but it has to be either half way or at hers.

All of this not saying stuff and hoping that other people will take the hint is pointless and exhausting.

@TheYearOfSmallThings If you insist on being truthful when it's to a known result of your own annoyance, then you have to accept responsibility. It's like knowingly walking into a door, because you won't lie, you were going that way, and then complaining that it hurts.

Why can't you look at your calendar and truthfully say you're doing something else? You will be. Even if it's sitting on the sofa gazing into the middle distance, you're doing something. 'I'm busy that day' can mean 'I'm planning to do the hoovering'.

Let her off. Op I found that too oh lets meet up. Never happened. We friends with a couple same non commital. Im not chasing people any more its tiring. I felt if she wanted meet us she would. Sigh

Does she gave adhd?! To me this sounds like the sort of well intentioned but never followed through on communication style of adhd. My guess would be that she probably thinks of you, would love to see you, but then procrastinates about replying to the message with anything as organised as specific dates until its eventually forgotten.

Maybe just reply "Sure!" when she asks if you'd like to meet up as it takes literally 2 seconds. Let her do the leg work of asking about dates etc if she really wants to.

Why don't you look up places that are near her place and offer to meet her there? It might be that she's too embarrassed to have guests, or something else makes it awkward. If you offer to meet near her home, you may find she takes you up on it.

I did this to a friend once, as like the OP's friend, she would try and 'reach out; maybe twice a year, and then ignore my response! She would also ignore me when I 'reached out!'

So after about 5 or 6 years of her doing this to me, she contacted me for a date to 'meet up' (after 8 months of radio silence, and several attempts by me to get in touch with her.) I texted back and said 'I don't think we really have a lot in common anymore, and every time I contact you, whether in response to you or just me contacting you, you don't get back to me. So let's just stay internet friends. Probably best for us both. We are both busy people. Take care.'

She texted back 'FINE! Goodbye! BLOCKED!' And then she blocked me on the phone. She also blocked me on facebook! I was a bit gobsmacked, but also thought 'no loss, she brings fuck-all to my life anyway.' Even when we did meet up, everything was all about her. Drama, moans, whinges etc. It had been like this for a decade or more.

Sounds like we know the same person @PoliteFizzleOut But yeah I would just gradually phase her out/ghost her. She sounds useless. I agree with other posters; just don't respond or reply to her. Hopefully she will give up and not bother you again.

This. It's up to you whether you want to keep dancing. It's just a text exchange, does it have to be shut down? Just accept it for what it is, or don't reply.

You could do what PP have suggested and it would probably work.

Or you could just reply "I don't fancy meeting up, thanks. Have a good year".

Just reply "yes, we must get something in the diary..."

But then obviously don't book anything in - you know she won't either.

Catch up soon thats what I get sent lol. Keep it vague op.

Quite recently, I decided I was dreading seeing someone I’ve known for decades. She would insist on meeting up annually, but I didn’t want to. We were basically just Facebook friends. After lots of debating-I asked myself if I wanted to retain the friendship? No. Did I want to ever see her again? No. It felt totally pointless and dreading seeing her was not good. I sent her a very careful message saying that I thought the friendship had come to an end. I then blocked her, I didn’t want an answer.

I don’t see why you don’t do this, @PoliteFizzleOut . What is the point of replying to her when you want her to fade away? If it’s annoying you to the point of posting on here, just block. She probably won’t notice.

What's with all the exclamation marks? !!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP why don't you do your usual reply being clear you can't host, and then if she ghosts, call it out! Eg "Hey, are you still keen to meet or do these dates not work for you? I understand it's a busy time of year but but can you let me know either way so I can get my calendar sorted? Thanks!"

Or you could say directly "Sorry but my calendar's packed at the moment so not sure I can make it work. To be honest, I don't think you replied the last few times I suggested dates, so I had the impression you weren't that keen to meet in person and would rather stay as Facebook friends! Have I misinterpreted that?"

What platform is this on, is it whatsapp/messenger where she'd be looking at your conversation history and can see the pattern of her initiating, you replying, and her ghosting? I'm always on the side of being clear and not ghosting, because life gets busy and most of us can always do with a friend, but she's being weird!

It sounds like your generic replies aren't working, so send a very specific reply.

When she says let's get together, say "That would be lovely! Let's do next Saturday at 8pm at yours, I'll bring the wine!" and see what she says.

Don't worry about where you're free next Saturday or not, it's irrelevant, you want to see the reply. You're not allowing her to turn it around and say "what dates are you free?" As you've already said specially. However, if she says she can't do Saturday, when else are you free just say "7pm the Saturday after, Saturday 9 Dec". State that actual date so there can be no pretence at confusion later from her. If she keeps turning it around on you just copy and paste the message, replacing the date with the date of the following Saturday. See how long this silly game lasts.

Also by saying you'll bring the wine you're not allowing her to suggest any of the "hosting" duties like "why don't you bring a dish?". If she says this just reiterate that you'll bring the wine. If she suggests "oh I was thinking of doing at yours" you just copy and paste saying "oh I thought it would be lovely to do at yours".

Copy paste and repeat. I don't think she'll hold out til February.

Interesting, I have a friend (male) who I have this limbo situation with. I think for the last few years I've been the one getting in touch, I'm always pretty much available and happy to either host him or travel to meet him or his home but he has young kids and so isn't as free as me.

The last time we met, he arranged it but I was really just their to fill time for him I think as he waited to meet other friends. I just don't know, I miss him but its probably more the friendship we had when we were in our 20's. I'm right now debating over contacting him one last time to see if he wants reconnect or to let the friendship fade away. I think he has lots of friends and he and his wife are more middle class and I don't quite fit in with them. He used to fancy me years ago and perhaps that is why he was eager to spend time with me while now I am older and fatter, he previously made some comments about my weight. I want to email him but worry he will feel like the OP and wish I'd just go away.

I have an acquaintance who does this and the last time she did it, I found out she’d also text another friend out if the blue on the same day. We concluded it’s a scatter gun approach, she sends out a dozen texts, and then goes with the best option when people get back?
I didn’t respond 😂