I was with work colleagues last night and was shocked to learn I was a mumsnet legend

[ACoatIsntJustForXmas]

Hello.

Legend? 😂

I can assure you I wear no cape- I am no hero, I am no mentor. I was a desperate woman at the end of her tether who had to be smart. So I pooled from lots of women’s knowledge and started to plan

I just tried my best to fairly prepare a future life for my children and take on a bullying and coercive husband from a very wealthy family.

Apparently there were quite a few posters who wanted an update. Apologies for fleeing. It became clear journalists were interested in the story so I bailed.

Now here’s the best bit.

in my marriage I had no voice
I was ridiculed, belittled and made to believe that I was stupid, ugly and not enough for my ex. I learned that my ex had not only been caught out cheating by me- he’d been cheating for the best part of 17 years. When things become public it’s extraordinary who comes forward with details. I’m very grateful to those whistle blowers, they will always have a seat at my tiny table.

During our subsequent and drawn out divorce I took on his £3k a day barristers on my own and won- not bad for a ‘fat useless twat’ eh? 😄

I’m free now, all of my children have gone on to ace their lives and I have found true love with a man who of course has flaws but who shows me daily that he’s lucky to have me, he values me and I make his life better. It’s no fairytale but life goes on.

keep swimming my friends, put one foot in front of the other and show up. Take one hour at a time and congratulate yourself for not wobbling.

You will find peace again…baby steps x

Love Coats
X

Just read your full thread Op

I welled up several times, especially hearing your update.

Im so glad you went through with it and not only came out the other side but are thriving and happy.

You really are inspirational and i for one would buy your book, as I’m sure many others would.

Your ex sounds like he was a textbook narcissist - well done you for realising what he was and getting out, and with such dignity and calm resolve.

All the best for your future xx

I briefly remember your original thread and cheering you on from the other side of my screen. You are a force to be reckoned with OP, you should be so bloody proud of yourself.

So, so glad to hear your and your DC are all doing well.

Just found this update, oh wow I'm over the moon to read your update @ACoatIsntJustForXmas You are indeed a legend ❤️

Can I ask about custody / does he see the dc? Assuming they don't know the disgusting details but do they even want to see him if they know he cheated?

Always remembered that thread and wondered how you and your children were, thank you for surviving well and updating.

@Ivyy

I have to say I was terrified at how emotionally battered they were likely to get with ex’s gaslighting and manipulation from his whole family (I believe his issues stem from you very strict and controlling upbringing)

They pretty much refused to see him or his family after about 6 months the DC all seemed to be so savvy at working him out for what he is. They were told very little in terms of the full details but yes they know he cheated on me - he even tried to force 2 of them to live with him so he’d not have to pay child maintenance- the court threw out that order immediately. He also did some pretty shocking things in lockdown but anyway I digress. They get monthly aggressive texts from him which they largely ignore - very sad really.

He really couldn’t be arsed with his kids when I had them and I was bringing them up pretty much single handed - the minute we split he was forcing himself on them and very much trying the Disney dad pants on…he shat in them very early on. Nobody was buying it 😉

I’m so so glad to have found this update and hear you have come through the other side. I was rooting for you and hoping you could keep it up until the end. Following your ideas I kept my important documents in my locker at work.

You refer to a second Christmas being in the throes of it still. How long did it take before finally sorting and being free? And did he comply with the court’s orders?

@Trethew once it was clear he couldn’t worm his way back he got very nasty indeed
It took just over three years 😢

You are one remarkable lady. Bravo!!!

So pleased you are in a better place now OP - well done you.

I was just wondering how long after you found out did you tell him to leave? Was it about a month? Sounded like you needed all that time to prepare and get your head straight. Must have been so hard.

I do hope you got some money out of the divorce.

@Pipsquiggle it was ages. There were a couple of massive curveballs stopping me which involved health which delayed my plans then other factors but it all turned out for the best.

and frankly -no I consider in the grand scheme of things that I got fuck all. But I am learning to live with very little. The people that don’t matter ebbed away leaving me with fresh everything.

There’s not a lot better than freedom that’s for sure.

Ex used every trick in the controlling Narc’s playbook like ‘losing his job’ . Miraculously as soon as we divorced he was reinstated at his old place of work so he had obviously been benched and there was some agreement with his employers- again, fuck em. They will learn what he’s like when he doesn’t need them anymore.

I consider my hands well and truly washed of him.

Broke but not done.

I remember your story! Like a great escape. EXDH sounded so inhuman. It is good to hear that you are now free!

@Anaesthetistsrus great escape? I get what you mean.😊

I think I was too exhausted to realise to begin with. If there’s a positive about how shit a husband and father he was it was that I was so used to doing everything alone that my energy levels were better as I didn’t have the emotional weight off my back anymore so that carried me on when the adrenaline wore off

x