Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband making me feel like a crap mum and wife

103 replies

Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 21:10

I am a SAHM of an 18 month old and my husband criticises EVERYTHING I do.

The way I play with our son (not long enough, don't talk to him enough, talk to him the wrong way, don't do the right games with him)
The way I interact with him (he is delayed because I don't interact with/ talk to him enough - I have been trying to socialise our son as much as possible, taking him to the children centre and to the park/softplay everyday, enrolling him in speech classes, following the workers' advice, seen a pediatrist, etc...etc... )
What I cook for him, what time I cook, the portions sizes (I either give him too much or too little according to him), how many meals I give him (I give him three meals and one or two snacks)
How I keep him busy when I'm cooking/cleaning (I shouldn't put cartoons on for him, I should make sure he is with me in the kitchen). I should also never leave him alone, even in safe places, and always be next to him and when he plays, always sit next to him
I shouldn't go on my phone
I should make sure the house is clean earlier
I should make dinner earlier
He criticises me when I tell my son off for something he shouldn't do (I am first, I don't yell at him) or when I swear to myself (not in front of our kid) even when I just say "for God's sake".
He gives me lists of things to do everyday
He asks me to give him a run-through of everything I did with our son at the end of his work day "for his peace of mind"

I often tell him I do my best and I feel he criticises me too much, but he doesn't change anything.
Earlier today I told him I was starting to feel like a shit mum, so he sent me videos of other mums' routine with their toddler and told me to watch them for inspiration and copy them.

He also insinuated he thought I was a rubbish mum once. He said "These past couple of days you've done really good, you've come a long way".

I try my best but I'm pregnant in my second trimester and I feel really tired sometimes and things just take me longer.
I feel like such a shit mum and wife and I cried about it a couple of times.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm not the best mum, but I do try and I know I can't get much better. I feel terrible for my son. I've also started not to enjoy parenting so much.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I don't know if he is right or if he is overly critical.
But I tried to improve and I just can't.

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 27/11/2023 21:12

Run for the hills . Wildly over critical. It sounds utterly draining.

HaveNoIdeaForAName · 27/11/2023 21:15

He’s a cunt.

FedUpMumof10YO · 27/11/2023 21:17

How can you be the 'best mum' (whatever that is) with an arsehole of husband.

Do your son (and yourself) a massive favour and leave this abusive, waste of space.

HaveNoIdeaForAName · 27/11/2023 21:17

Has he ever looked after him tor a full day on his own so he knows how hard it is? He’s a bellend who has no respect for you.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 27/11/2023 21:18

How about you give him some advice right back?. Fuck off should cover it.

Original poster
Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 21:20

HaveNoIdeaForAName · 27/11/2023 21:17

Has he ever looked after him tor a full day on his own so he knows how hard it is? He’s a bellend who has no respect for you.

No he hasn't, the first and only time he took him out by himself was at 16 or 17 months old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 21:20

Thank you all for your replies

OP posts:
DNLove · 27/11/2023 21:20

He's a cunt. Book yourself a holiday on your own for a weekend and leave him to it. Let Mr Perfect do it all. And when you come back, empty your case fill it with his stuff and show him the door.

Mum2jenny · 27/11/2023 21:22

He’s a complete arse. Let him look after your little one for a couple of days when you go and stay with a friend or do a spa break. See how he handles it

Tusktusk · 27/11/2023 21:22

Does he think he’s your parent?

Even if he was, you don’t parent by constantly criticising your children.

Your husband is abusing you. You will never be good enough because his aim is to keep you insecure and trying your best to please him.

Everyone here is going to tell you to leave him. They are right.

Out of interest - what was he like before kids? Controlling what you wear, who you talk to, where you go?

GreekDogRescue · 27/11/2023 21:24

Don’t be a doormat OP.
turn the tables and ask him why he is such an unsatisfactory husband

Orangeteatime · 27/11/2023 21:24

It is not you. Being pregnant and looking after a toddler is hard. You are doing plenty.
I don't know the best way for you to keep you and your kids safe but some things to think about: What would happen if you refused to say what you'd done each day? What would happen if you asked him to take on more housework and caring tasks with your child?

Mylovelygreendress · 27/11/2023 21:25

Hmmm this is very familiar .
Have you written about this before ?
One of my DSDs has a husband like this ; gives her daily lists of things to do . He is getting worse and it is huge concern for her DM my DH and me .
Can you leave ? ( my DSD won’t but us a bundle of nerves)

TomatoSandwiches · 27/11/2023 21:25

You really should leave, your children will think this is how you treat your wife and ir hiw they should be treated by their partner.
He is not a good role model.
Can you go back to work?

TicTac80 · 27/11/2023 21:38

He sounds bloody awful! You being at home as an SAHM is enabling him to be able to carry on with his job/career without a worry in the world. He doesn't know how damned lucky he is to not have to worry about juggling childcare, household stuff and FT work. I say that as a single parent of 2DC who does work FT.

It sounds like you're doing a fab job already as a mum/wife! Look at all the wonderful things you are already doing with your little one. Well done for that - I was too scared to take my eldest to baby groups after encountering a couple of nasty women at one of the groups I started going to, and losing my confidence.

How dare he try and make you watch videos for inspiration?! Who the hell does he think he is?! Does he not realise that parenting isn't akin to the glossy articles in parent magazines or the picture perfect lives that people stick on SM? I'm betting he has never looked after your son by himself for a full day (plus doing the housework etc etc).

You don't need to "improve". Just do what is right for you and your baby. As long as he's loved, safe and looked after (fed, clean, you know the basics are covered), the rest is neither here nor there. My kids are 17 and 10 now. If you look at them/their friends, no one can tell which ones went to nursery FT from an early age (mine had to as I had to work), which ones went to baby groups, which ones stayed home with a parent, which ones watched cartoons or had outings everyday.

FWIW, my mum was an SAHM to four kids (we siblings are now in our 40s and 50s!). My dad had a stressful/high flying job in banking. He was always very grateful, respectful and appreciative of everything my mum did, and he never let her or us forget that - he used to say that he/we wouldn't have the life we did if it wasn't for everything mum did for us.

Don't you let your "D"H make you feel bad. xx

Undethetree · 27/11/2023 21:46

GreekDogRescue · 27/11/2023 21:24

Don’t be a doormat OP.
turn the tables and ask him why he is such an unsatisfactory husband

This.

Everytime he asks you a question/gives some advice on your parenting, return the favour, he has many father/husband skillsto learn. He probably won't though, he actually sounds abusive tbh.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/11/2023 21:49

Your husband is a twat. Either leave him or decide to stand up for yourself and stop tolerating his bullying.

Inaspot21 · 27/11/2023 21:50

What a complete asshole, no two ways about it!! Sounds to me like he’s trying to grind you down, making you doubt yourself and you’re starting to buy into his crap. And you’re pregnant too, how much can he expect?? He’s being completely unreasonable. Parenting is a team effort regardless of who works and who stays home and he should be on your side. He seems very controlling and extremely patronising. Please get rid of this utter shitbag ASAP and please don’t let your children start to believe this is how relationships should be, because it’s not in any way normal.

wildwestpioneer · 27/11/2023 21:53

Urghhh he sounds dreadful. This is not normal supportive behaviour

Himawarigirl · 27/11/2023 21:54

Reading your post frightens me. You can’t honestly feel this is on you and you’re just not trying hard enough? His behaviour sounds abusive and controlling and has clearly eroded your sense of self worth. It doesn’t sound a healthy relationship to be in.

DGPP · 27/11/2023 21:56

He is abusing and controlling you. This is not normal

theduchessofspork · 27/11/2023 21:57

This man is appalling and he’ll grind you down till you can’t fight back.

This is emotional abuse pure and simple and it will only get worse.

Do you think you have any option to leave?

Safxxx · 27/11/2023 22:05

Maybe he should be a stay at home father and you can go to work!!
Clearly what ever you do he will still criticise you, his a control freak.
You need to do what's best for you and your son, you seem to do everything that pleases him and in return your miserable.
Stop it now ... your a good mother trust your instincts as a mother and go with the flow.
Clearly his the problem do something about it before you mentally collapse

Andthereyougo · 27/11/2023 22:06

He is abusive. Pure and simple — abusive.
Your children will grow up with him criticising you, or he will start criticising them.
Talk to your midwife and tell them you’re in an abusive relationship and need help.

berksandbeyond · 27/11/2023 22:09

The only thing you’ve done wrong is get pregnant, twice, by this man. Leave him, for your children’s sake if not for yours